'Child's Play'
"Me?! Why do I have to look after it?"
"Jool, someone needs to look after it while we check out the rest of the ship. Just hold it, that's all."
Jool gave Crichton an exasperated look.
"What if it starts crying? What am I supposed to do then?"
"Don't tell me you've never held a baby before?"
"Well, yes, but...."
"Great, you've done it before, you can do it again. Take it back to the pod and wait for us there."
He strode out. Jool looked at the bundle in her arms. The child appeared Sebacean and it couldn't have been more than half a cycle old.
"At least you're asleep," Jool told it, as she headed back towards the pod.
***
D'Argo and Crais were alone in Moya's command, waiting for Crichton, Aeryn and Jool to return from the derelict ship. The atmosphere was slightly strained. Crais suspected that he would never be anything to the Luxan except the Peacekeeper Captain who had held him captive. He assumed that was why D'Argo had not spoken a word to him.
In fact, he was wrong. D'Argo's silence had nothing to do with Crais. He was recalling a conversation he had had with Crichton earlier that day. He had been thinking about his son a lot lately, but more than that he had been thinking about the future.
"John," he had said, "before you came to Moya, did you intend to have children?"
"I always figured I would, yeah. Why, what's up D?"
"Do you remember when we were on the Royal Planet?"
"How could I forget?" Crichton said, the memory of the daughter he would never know was still fresh in his mind.
"Chiana and I took the DNA test. Our DNA is not compatible."
"So you guys would never be able to have kids," Crichton said, sitting down beside him.
"At the time I told myself that it did not matter as I already had a son. But lately I have been thinking that I would like to have another child some day. But that would mean...."
"That you'd have to give up Chiana."
"Yes. And I do not know if I could do that."
"Could you guys maybe adopt a baby from somewhere?"
"Perhaps. But I have come to suspect that Chiana does not feel the same way about this as I do."
"She's still pretty young, D'Argo. Maybe in a few years she'll feel differently."
"Maybe, but what do I do if she doesn't?"
Crichton had got up and patted him on the shoulder.
"Wish I could tell you D," he'd said.
"Crais?" D'Argo said.
"Yes, Ka D'Argo, what is it?" Crais replied.
"When you were a Peacekeeper, did you ever take part in the genetic birthing program?"
Crais was very surprised by the question and not too pleased. It brought back some unwanted memories.
"I did," he said.
"Did you ever consider meeting your child?"
"As a matter of fact," Crais said, not meeting D'Argo's eyes, "the child did not survive."
"If it had survived, would you have considered it?"
"Such an action would have been against regulation. However, I did find myself...curious...about it."
D'Argo grunted and lapsed into silence once again. Crais wasn't sure what to make of the conversation. He couldn't recall D'Argo ever asking about his life before and he had no idea why this should be of interest to him. The feelings associated with the memories also unsettled him. He began to wish that they had stuck to silence.
***
"It's a cute little thing," Chiana said, peeking at the bundle. "For a Sebacean anyway."
"You take it then," Jool said, stuffing the bundle into Chiana's arms.
"Why should I have to take it?"
"Crichton wants me to run tests on it to make sure it's not sick. I can't do that and hold it at the same time," Jool said, going over to the work bench.
"Well, it looks healthy to me."
"That's your expert opinion is it?"
"Are you calling me stupid?"
"Not if you're going to do it for me."
The baby woke up and began to cry at the loud voices. Jool and Chiana shared a panicked look.
"Make it stop," Chiana said.
"Me? I don't know how to make it stop!"
"You must have some idea!"
"Maybe we could try...feeding it," Jool said desperately.
"With what, dried food cubes?"
"We need something liquid."
"Like what?"
"I don't know!"
Chiana smelt something.
"Maybe it doesn't need feeding, maybe it needs something else."
"Like what?"
The smell reached Jool's nose as well. They shared a disgusted look.
"What do we do now?" Chiana asked.
***
"John!" D'Argo said, rather glad not to be alone with Crais anymore. "What did you find?"
"Not much, I reckon a few people got there before us. We found some narium coils, but that was about it on the spare parts front."
"Nothing else?"
"I think we got us a new crewmember."
"What?!" D'Argo exclaimed.
"That ship was a Peacekeeper ship, we may have to think carefully about trusting any survivors," Crais said.
"Sort of a case of the pot calling the kettle black, isn't it Crais? Besides, with this particular one, betrayal is going to be the least of our problems."
"Meaning what?" Crais asked suspiciously.
Instead of answering, Crichton accessed his comms.
"Jool, how's it going?"
He heard sounds of splashing.
"Not so good," Jool said. "Chiana nearly drowned him."
"I did not!" Chiana said, outraged. "You were the one who nearly dropped him!"
"No, I was giving him to you. If you had been paying attention, it wouldn't have happened."
"If you had warned me first then...."
Crichton closed the comm line.
"I think we may need to do some damage control down there."
"Crichton, what precisely is happening?" Crais said, more confused than ever.
"We found a baby on the ship. We couldn't find any other survivors but there was a body not far from it that was probably its mother. It looked like she'd died pretty recently."
"Then there may well be Peacekeepers in the area," Crais replied.
"I don't think so. The woman was a Peacekeeper Officer. If Peacekeepers had come to check it out they would've taken her with them."
"That still means that someone must have boarded the ship recently," D'Argo said.
"I don't think so," Crichton said, shaking his head. "Jool checked her out. She died of natural causes. Best guess, their food supplies ran out."
"So we now have a child on board?" D'Argo asked.
"Yeah, although if I don't get down there fast they may end up killing him," Crichton replied with a grin.
"I will go with you," D'Argo said immediately.
"Crais, you coming?"
"This is not really my area of expertise."
"Maybe not, but you can help keep Jool from killing Chiana."
***
"I've managed to find some bed sheets. What is it that you want them for?" Aeryn said, as she entered the medilab.
"Diapers," Crichton replied. "Pass me the scissors Jool."
"You're going to put those on him?" Jool said.
"It's not like I can just run down to Mothercare. This is the best that I can come up with."
"Fine, you do it then."
"What exactly are we going to feed it?" Aeryn asked.
"There's a commerce planet a day from here, we'll have to find some supplies there." Crichton replied.
"And until then I suppose you intend to feed it food cubes."
"No, we'll just have to improvise."
"Who's going to take care of it?"
"I am not doing it!" Jool said. "It's bad enough having to bath him!"
"Don't look at me John," Aeryn said.
"I will take care of it," D'Argo said.
"D'Argo," Chiana said, "are you sure about this?"
"You do not have to assist me unless you want to."
Chiana looked uncertain.
"Well maybe I want to," she said
"You!" Jool said. "He won't last an arn."
"Oh, like you're any better!" Chiana snapped back.
"I suggest I take him out before he wakes up," D'Argo said.
"Great idea. Chiana, are you going with him?" Crichton said.
"Yeah," she said, "I am. It's not that hard."
She left with D'Argo...and pretended not to hear Jool's snort.
***
The child had now been on board for more than thirty solar days. It felt like much longer. It was amazing how quickly they'd adapted, even though every routine had been turned upside down. The biggest argument had been over what they would name him, since they didn't know what name he had been given. D'Argo had, of course, wanted to give him a Luxan name, Crichton wanted to name him after his father, Chiana had suggested Nerri after her brother. This argument had finally been finished by Aeryn who said that, since the child was Sebacean, he ought to have a Sebacean name. And, eventually, they'd decided on the last name they'd thought of. They named him Tauvo.
Crais, who had kept out of the discussion, was both amazed and (although he hadn't admitted it) touched by this. No matter how strange it had been at first, it was wonderful to have his brother's name remembered in this way.
***
Jool was attempting to take care of Tauvo and run tests at the same time. It was not an easy task. But since everyone else had left them to fetch supplies from the commerce planet, she didn't have much of a choice. It might have been much easier if he had just gone to sleep. Unfortunately, he was very much awake and determined to claim her attention. She'd grown far more comfortable with him since he came on board, but that didn't make her job any easier. She finally gave up trying to work and picked him up. Maybe if she entertained him for a while, he might go to sleep.
Crais chose that moment to come in. He was surprised at the sight. With the possible exception of Aeryn and himself, Jool was usually the most uncomfortable with Tauvo. D'Argo and Crichton both adored children and Chiana had proved to have a talent for entertaining him, while Aeryn and Jool rarely spent time alone with him. Crais himself had always kept his distance. Caring for children was not something he had much experience in. It was one thing with Talyn, but a Sebacean child was an entirely different proposition. Besides, he suspected that D'Argo would not appreciate his interference.
Jool saw him.
"Great," she said. "You can help me take care of him while I work."
Crais found the baby stuffed into his arms. He held Tauvo as if he were made of glass.
"I believe you would be a better choice," he said.
"I don't know any more about children than you do. Just hold him for a few minutes."
Crais had never been so tense. He eyed the child in his arms rather as if he was a bomb who might go off at any moment. After a while though, he slowly began to relax. Nothing bad seemed to have happened. He cautiously touched the baby's cheek. Tauvo smiled and blew bubbles. Despite himself, Crais found a smile on his face. Tauvo reached out determinedly, grabbed one of Crais' fingers and held tight. For the first time, Crais began to feel as if this was an experience he could get to like.
He didn't realise straight away that Jool was watching him. When he finally looked up, he couldn't read the expression on her face.
"I didn't think you liked children," she said.
"I was never given the opportunity to find out," Crais said. "And I did not expect to have the chance to raise my offspring."
"What about now?" She said.
"I...have never given it much thought," Crais said, honestly.
He still couldn't read the expression on her face.
"Well maybe you should," Jool said.
"Why?" Crais asked. Something told him that there was more to this conversation than casual enquiry.
"No reason," Jool said, avoiding his gaze.
"I rather suspect," Crais said, "that there is a reason."
"Maybe I was just curious," Jool said. "So I'd know, for the future."
"The future of what?" Crais asked.
"Just...the future," Jool replied.
***
"Why is it such a strange idea?" D'Argo asked.
"Because...it just is," Chiana replied, more than a little flustered.
"I thought you enjoyed taking care of him."
"Well...I do," she said, "but...it wouldn't be the same if I had to."
"You're very good with him."
"Well...well thanks...but, D'Argo I don't want...."
"You don't want what?"
"I don't want...to be a mother. At least, not yet. I'm...I'm young D'Argo...I don't want it yet."
"At least you are being honest," D'Argo said. "Do you think you will change your mind later?"
"Yeah...maybe...I'm not sure," Chiana said.
"I suppose we'll just have to wait and see," D'Argo said.
"Yeah, wait and see," Chiana replied uneasily.
***
"You really enjoy taking care of him, don't you?" Aeryn said, watching Crichton feeding Tauvo.
"I've always liked children," he replied. "You don't seem to feel the same way."
She came to sit beside him.
"It's not that I don't like him," she said. "I've just never been around children before."
"Well, now's your chance."
They were both silent for a moment.
"You know, John, that sooner or later we will have to leave him somewhere."
"Yeah, I know."
"This is not exactly an ideal place to raise a child."
"Has Pilot found anything yet?"
"He's been scanning for Sebacean planets, but nothing so far."
"Then you have the time to get used to him." Crichton said, placing Tauvo in Aeryn's arms. Aeryn held him gingerly.
"What should I do with him?" she asked.
"Just support him with one arm and feed him with the other."
Crichton watched Aeryn concentrating on Tauvo.
"Have you ever thought about having children?" He asked.
"Since I never expected to raise them, it didn't seem to matter," she replied.
"What about that genetic birthing thing, did you ever have one of them?"
"I did have one, yes."
"Really?" Crichton asked. "Didn't you ever try to find out anything about it?"
"He didn't survive," Aeryn said flatly.
"What about the father?"
"What about him?" Aeryn asked.
"Well, who was he, maybe?"
"I don't know," Aeryn said.
"Whoa, stop, you don't know? How can you not know?"
"I was impregnated in a lab with his DNA, I have no idea who he was."
"But it must have been on your record."
"Peacekeeper Officers do not have access to their own personnel files. And there was no reason for me to know."
"Weren't you even curious?"
"The chances that it was someone I knew were minuscule. There seemed no reason to know. But, perhaps, if the child had survived, I would have wanted to find out."
Crichton was silent, trying to absorb all this.
"What about now?" he asked, rather fearing what the answer would be. "Would you consider having them now?"
Aeryn was quiet for a moment.
"Maybe," she said.
That seemed to be the best he was going to get.
***
"Okay Pilot, we're here, what is it?" Crichton asked.
"Moya and I have located a planet that appears to have large numbers of Sebacean lifesigns on it."
Crichton and D'Argo shared a look.
"I guess this is where we part company," Crichton said.
"I wish I could keep him here."
"Yeah, I know, but it's better for him to have a safer life down there than to be on the run with us."
"Somehow, knowing that does not make me feel better."
"We're all going to miss him, D."
"Except maybe Rygel."
Their laugh was almost convincing.
***
"You don't think it strange that they have made no contact with us?" D'Argo said.
"Pilot said that it looks like a rural planet. They probably don't have that kind of technology," Crichton said.
"Or they don't want to be disturbed."
"We'll have to take that risk."
"You are certain that you don't wish me to come with you?"
"If it is a rural planet they're probably not that used to off-worlders. I figure we'll blend in better if it's just me, Aeryn and Crais. Once we've got things sorted we'll bring everyone down."
"At the slightest hint of trouble, call Moya for help."
"Don't worry D'Argo, we will."
***
"Peacekeepers!" The child's scream rang out. Her mother quickly pulled her inside.
They were in a small village, farms were visible in the distance all around and fields filled every gap. Crais couldn't help feeling that this place was somehow familiar to him. They looked around for someone to talk to, but everyone seemed to have disappeared. They approached something resembling a town hall. Their knock was answered.
The man who answered seemed to age twenty cycles just by looking at them. He stood up.
"I'll inform the people that you recruiters are here."
"We're not Peacekeepers," Crichton said, suddenly understanding why everyone had vanished.
"You sure look like them," he said, suspiciously.
"We don't want to hurt you, we don't want to 'recruit' anybody, we just need your help."
"With what?" The man said, slightly less suspiciously.
"It will take some time to explain. May we come in?" Aeryn asked.
"If you're not Peacekeepers then you're welcome here," the man said.
They settled down in his office.
"So, what is it that you need help with?"
"On our travels, we came across a derelict ship. There was only one survivor, a young Sebacean child. We have been taking care of him on our ship, but we wish to find a suitable family for him here."
"Where is this child?"
"He is still on our ship. Our friends are taking care of him."
The man regarded them.
"Guess you must really not be Peacekeepers. I never heard a Peacekeeper call anyone a friend. But those are Peacekeeper uniforms."
"The ship we are travelling on was once under Peacekeeper control," Crais said. "Myself and Officer Sun were both Peacekeepers, but no longer."
"I didn't think Peacekeepers just let people go," the man said, his suspicion returning.
"Crais and I were both declared irreversibly contaminated due to our contact with the others on Moya and were lucky enough to escape execution," Aeryn said.
"Crais?" The man said.
"I am Bialar Crais," Crais replied. "Aeryn Sun and John Crichton," he added, gesturing to the others.
The man looked uneasy.
"We've got someone by that name here. Don't suppose he's any relation though."
The hairs on Crais's neck had begun to prickle, this all seemed like too much of a coincidence.
"What is his name?" Crais asked.
"Valen Crais."
Crais went white.
"Crais, what is it?" Aeryn asked.
"That is my father's name," Crais said, hoarsely.
"Is that possible?" Crichton asked.
"I was born on a farming community like this one. It seems familiar to me. It could be possible."
"I guess there's only one way to find out," Crichton said. "Where can we find him?"
"The Crais farm is at the other end of the village, by the river. He'll most likely be there."
"Let's go," Crichton said.
"No!" Crais said. "We came here to deal with Tauvo."
"Tauvo?" the man asked.
"The child," Crais said.
"Don't you even want to see if it is him?" Crichton asked.
"Perhaps later," Crais replied.
Crichton shrugged his shoulders.
"Have it your way," he said.
***
Crais was alone, his mind in turmoil. In his wildest dreams, he'd never imagined that he'd see his father again. The prospect brought back all the feelings he'd tried so hard to forget. His resentment towards his father because he'd let them be taken by the recruiters, and his guilt over his failure to protect his brother. He couldn't face him. He would be sure to ask about Tauvo, and Crais would have to tell him the truth. That Tauvo was dead. That Crais had failed to protect him as he'd promised he would. That he was a failure.
But, despite that, a part of him wanted to see if it really was his father. To go back to his childhood home. He would never have another chance in his life time, that was certain. But that meant risking the rejection that he feared. It was strange. He'd spent years being told that accidents of birth meant nothing, but it had never dissolved his love for his brother or his fear of his father. If anything, it had strengthened them.
Where had the man said the farm was? Crais headed in the direction he had indicated and suddenly found that he remembered the way. It was an unsettling feeling, walking up the path he'd run up so many times as a child. He'd never dreamed he would walk here again. He could almost feel the ghosts of himself and Tauvo around him. It took all his strength to go on, but he would not give in to fear.
There was an old man sitting outside the house. He had altered much over the cycles, but Crais knew him immediately. He did not seem to recognise Crais though, even as he came close to him.
"There's no children here so you're wasting your time," the man said.
"What?" Crais said.
"I tell you recruiters every time you come up here. There's no children in this house."
"I am not a recruiter," Crais said. "Or a Peacekeeper."
The man looked him up and down.
"You look like one to me."
"I was a Peacekeeper," Crais said. "But I am one no longer."
The man gave a bitter laugh.
"No wonder they take all our children if they're letting people go!"
"They did not *let* me go," Crais said. "I was fortunate enough to escape."
"If you're not recruiting what do you want?" the man said.
"I...used to live in this house," Crais said.
The man snorted.
"Don't be ridiculous. I've lived here all my life and I've never seen the likes of you before."
"My name," Crais said, "is Bialar Crais."
"Is this some sort of sick joke?!" the man said. "It's bad enough that you take my sons away from me, then you have to torture me as well! They are gone, you got what you wanted, now leave me alone!"
"Father," Crais said. "I am not joking. I am Bialar Crais and I am your son."
The man regarded him. He obviously did not believe Crais.
"When you were young, what pet did you have?"
"A Tarka lizard," Crais replied, without hesitation.
The man shifted in his chair.
"How did he die?"
"He ate the poison you put down to kill the Greenash beetles."
"No!" the man said forcefully. "You can't be him! It is not possible!"
"But it is true."
"You have really come back?"
"Yes."
"And Tauvo, is he with you?"
This was the moment Crais had been dreading.
"Tauvo is dead," he said.
The man slumped in his chair.
"When?"
"More than three cycles ago."
The man was silent. Crais had been expecting an explosion.
"Are you not angry with me?" Crais asked, the silence was making him too uncomfortable.
"What for?" the man asked.
"I failed. I couldn't protect Tauvo. I was certain that you would be angry."
The man gave a tired smile.
"It's hard to care about anything that much any more. I lost both my sons, then my wife. It is enough that you have returned."
"My mother?" Crais asked. "She is dead?"
"For over thirty cycles," the man said. "It was a blessing she died."
Crais was shocked by that. The man saw his expression and gave a wry smile.
"Don't look like that. I meant it was a blessing for her. After the recruiters took you and Tauvo away she was never the same again."
"You have lived alone here for all that time?"
"I have hired men working the farm for me and Laili to look after the house."
"Laili?"
"Your cousin Laili. You won't remember her. She wasn't even born when you were taken away. She's the only one the recruiters haven't taken, too weak when she was young, she's grown out of it now though."
"And my Aunt and Uncle?"
"Both dead these ten cycles."
Crais sat down and tried to absorb all he had heard. The fears he'd had that his father would reject him seemed groundless, but so much had happened since he was here last. His father seemed like a different man and everyone he knew seemed to be dead. The world he'd known was dead and gone.
"What about you?" the man asked. "How long have you been out of the Peacekeepers?"
"Over two cycles," Crais said.
"What are you doing now?"
"I live on board a leviathan with a group of escaped Peacekeeper prisoners."
The man almost laughed.
"A real step up," he said.
"I have come to appreciate it."
"What about a mate, offspring?"
"I have no offspring. I have a mate, of sorts."
"What's she like?"
Crais found himself smiling.
"Hard work," he said.
The man managed a chuckle.
"Will I get to meet her?" he asked.
"If you wish it," Crais replied.
***
It ended up with almost the entire crew piled into the kitchen. Laili proved to be a very good natured woman who didn't object to six people invading and served food so good that even D'Argo considered snurching some to take back with them. She took to Tauvo immediately and, altogether, they thoroughly enjoyed themselves.
Before they left, Laili asked to speak to them.
"You say that you are looking for a family for him. Would you consider leaving him here with me?"
"If we leave him with you, sooner or later he will be recruited," Aeryn said.
"That would be true of any family here," she said. "I understand that you do not want him to be a Peacekeeper, but there is a risk of that wherever you leave him."
"She's right," Crichton said. "From what I've heard here, the recruiters come round every few cycles. The community is almost dying out."
"And every Sebacean planet like it is the same," D'Argo said.
"At least I can give him a good life until then," she said. "But it is your decision."
"Could we have a moment alone?" Aeryn asked.
"Of course," Laili replied and went outside.
"Are we going to condemn him to life as a Peacekeeper?" D'Argo asked.
"I don't like it either D'Argo, but I think this is as good as we can do," Crichton said. "Wherever we leave him they'll probably pick him up, at least here he can have a good start in life."
"What if we kept him with us?" Chiana said.
"And the next time Scorpius catches up with us, he gets killed? We agreed we had to find him a home."
"I wish there was another option too D'Argo, but this is the best we can do for him," Aeryn said. "He will have a childhood here and maybe he won't be taken, we can't be sure."
"Or are we just telling ourselves that to make us feel better?" D'Argo replied.
"Being on the run is no life for a child," Crichton said. "This may not be perfect, but it's the best we can do."
***
The others had left to go back to Moya. Crais was still at the house. He knew that he must leave soon. He didn't know quite what he was waiting for, but it felt to him like something else had to happen before he could leave. He was sitting on the steps outside the house, watching the sunset. It was a sight he remembered and loved from his childhood.
He heard footsteps behind him.
"Bialar, you must come," Laili said.
Crais knew what it was without asking.
His father gave a weak smile as Crais approached his bedside. It took him a while to find his voice.
"I've always wondered, all these cycles, why I was still here. I had nothing to live for anymore. I guess now I understand, I had to wait for you to come back."
Crais didn't know how to answer.
"I've regretted a few things in my life, but it's too late to change most of them. One thing I can do though, is to explain to you the way I was when you were young."
He paused, struggling to find the right words.
"I always knew that you would be taken one day. I thought it would be easier for you if you weren't too attached to me. I kept you boys at arms length all the time. But I was wrong, that just made it easier for me. All these years you've been gone, I've regretted that. I just wanted to let you know that...I'm proud of you."
His eyes closed and, for the first time that he could remember, Bialar Crais broke down and wept.
***
He felt better. It was as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He no longer felt like a failure. He only wished that he'd had more time with his father.
He was deep in thought as he headed to the medilab to see Jool. His mind had come back to the conversation they'd had before they set foot on the planet. He was still sure that there was something she wasn't telling him, and he intended to find out what it was.
"Jool," he said, as he came in, "I have been thinking more about our earlier conversation."
"Oh?" She said. He was sure her shoulders had stiffened.
"I believe," he said, slowly, "that I would like to raise a family eventually."
"Oh," she said again. "I wish you luck with that."
"Don't you mean, wish *us* luck?" Crais asked.
"No," she said. "I mean you."
"You do not want children then?"
"It's not that I don't want them, it's just...."
"What?"
"I...can't have them. It's medical and irreversible, before you ask. I discovered it in a routine screening four cycles ago."
"I knew there was something you were not telling me."
"Well now you know," she said. "What are you going to do?"
"It does not matter to me at the present time."
"But it will, later on?"
"Perhaps. I suggest we delay thinking about it until it does."
"It's not going to go away."
"I know that, but it may never become a difficulty for us."
Somehow, Jool found that hard to believe.
***
Aeryn was on Talyn, searching for her personnel file that Crais had accessed from Peacekeeper command. The events lately had made her think about the child she'd lost, and she'd found that she was curious to know who the father had been. She wasn't sure if it would be listed on her file, but that was the best idea she had.
When she found it, she scanned it, looking for a reference to genetic birthings. When she found it, she went white.
"Talyn," she said, "restrict access to this file. Myself only."
She gripped the panel for support. No one must ever read this file. If Crais should find it, or worse Crichton, they might never get over it. Of all the people it could have been! How had she come to have a child with Captain Bialar Crais?
***
Many cycles later, on a Peacekeeper Command Carrier, a young officer marched into Command. He approached his new commanding officer and stood to attention.
"Officer Tauvo Crais reporting for duty, Sir!"
"Me?! Why do I have to look after it?"
"Jool, someone needs to look after it while we check out the rest of the ship. Just hold it, that's all."
Jool gave Crichton an exasperated look.
"What if it starts crying? What am I supposed to do then?"
"Don't tell me you've never held a baby before?"
"Well, yes, but...."
"Great, you've done it before, you can do it again. Take it back to the pod and wait for us there."
He strode out. Jool looked at the bundle in her arms. The child appeared Sebacean and it couldn't have been more than half a cycle old.
"At least you're asleep," Jool told it, as she headed back towards the pod.
***
D'Argo and Crais were alone in Moya's command, waiting for Crichton, Aeryn and Jool to return from the derelict ship. The atmosphere was slightly strained. Crais suspected that he would never be anything to the Luxan except the Peacekeeper Captain who had held him captive. He assumed that was why D'Argo had not spoken a word to him.
In fact, he was wrong. D'Argo's silence had nothing to do with Crais. He was recalling a conversation he had had with Crichton earlier that day. He had been thinking about his son a lot lately, but more than that he had been thinking about the future.
"John," he had said, "before you came to Moya, did you intend to have children?"
"I always figured I would, yeah. Why, what's up D?"
"Do you remember when we were on the Royal Planet?"
"How could I forget?" Crichton said, the memory of the daughter he would never know was still fresh in his mind.
"Chiana and I took the DNA test. Our DNA is not compatible."
"So you guys would never be able to have kids," Crichton said, sitting down beside him.
"At the time I told myself that it did not matter as I already had a son. But lately I have been thinking that I would like to have another child some day. But that would mean...."
"That you'd have to give up Chiana."
"Yes. And I do not know if I could do that."
"Could you guys maybe adopt a baby from somewhere?"
"Perhaps. But I have come to suspect that Chiana does not feel the same way about this as I do."
"She's still pretty young, D'Argo. Maybe in a few years she'll feel differently."
"Maybe, but what do I do if she doesn't?"
Crichton had got up and patted him on the shoulder.
"Wish I could tell you D," he'd said.
"Crais?" D'Argo said.
"Yes, Ka D'Argo, what is it?" Crais replied.
"When you were a Peacekeeper, did you ever take part in the genetic birthing program?"
Crais was very surprised by the question and not too pleased. It brought back some unwanted memories.
"I did," he said.
"Did you ever consider meeting your child?"
"As a matter of fact," Crais said, not meeting D'Argo's eyes, "the child did not survive."
"If it had survived, would you have considered it?"
"Such an action would have been against regulation. However, I did find myself...curious...about it."
D'Argo grunted and lapsed into silence once again. Crais wasn't sure what to make of the conversation. He couldn't recall D'Argo ever asking about his life before and he had no idea why this should be of interest to him. The feelings associated with the memories also unsettled him. He began to wish that they had stuck to silence.
***
"It's a cute little thing," Chiana said, peeking at the bundle. "For a Sebacean anyway."
"You take it then," Jool said, stuffing the bundle into Chiana's arms.
"Why should I have to take it?"
"Crichton wants me to run tests on it to make sure it's not sick. I can't do that and hold it at the same time," Jool said, going over to the work bench.
"Well, it looks healthy to me."
"That's your expert opinion is it?"
"Are you calling me stupid?"
"Not if you're going to do it for me."
The baby woke up and began to cry at the loud voices. Jool and Chiana shared a panicked look.
"Make it stop," Chiana said.
"Me? I don't know how to make it stop!"
"You must have some idea!"
"Maybe we could try...feeding it," Jool said desperately.
"With what, dried food cubes?"
"We need something liquid."
"Like what?"
"I don't know!"
Chiana smelt something.
"Maybe it doesn't need feeding, maybe it needs something else."
"Like what?"
The smell reached Jool's nose as well. They shared a disgusted look.
"What do we do now?" Chiana asked.
***
"John!" D'Argo said, rather glad not to be alone with Crais anymore. "What did you find?"
"Not much, I reckon a few people got there before us. We found some narium coils, but that was about it on the spare parts front."
"Nothing else?"
"I think we got us a new crewmember."
"What?!" D'Argo exclaimed.
"That ship was a Peacekeeper ship, we may have to think carefully about trusting any survivors," Crais said.
"Sort of a case of the pot calling the kettle black, isn't it Crais? Besides, with this particular one, betrayal is going to be the least of our problems."
"Meaning what?" Crais asked suspiciously.
Instead of answering, Crichton accessed his comms.
"Jool, how's it going?"
He heard sounds of splashing.
"Not so good," Jool said. "Chiana nearly drowned him."
"I did not!" Chiana said, outraged. "You were the one who nearly dropped him!"
"No, I was giving him to you. If you had been paying attention, it wouldn't have happened."
"If you had warned me first then...."
Crichton closed the comm line.
"I think we may need to do some damage control down there."
"Crichton, what precisely is happening?" Crais said, more confused than ever.
"We found a baby on the ship. We couldn't find any other survivors but there was a body not far from it that was probably its mother. It looked like she'd died pretty recently."
"Then there may well be Peacekeepers in the area," Crais replied.
"I don't think so. The woman was a Peacekeeper Officer. If Peacekeepers had come to check it out they would've taken her with them."
"That still means that someone must have boarded the ship recently," D'Argo said.
"I don't think so," Crichton said, shaking his head. "Jool checked her out. She died of natural causes. Best guess, their food supplies ran out."
"So we now have a child on board?" D'Argo asked.
"Yeah, although if I don't get down there fast they may end up killing him," Crichton replied with a grin.
"I will go with you," D'Argo said immediately.
"Crais, you coming?"
"This is not really my area of expertise."
"Maybe not, but you can help keep Jool from killing Chiana."
***
"I've managed to find some bed sheets. What is it that you want them for?" Aeryn said, as she entered the medilab.
"Diapers," Crichton replied. "Pass me the scissors Jool."
"You're going to put those on him?" Jool said.
"It's not like I can just run down to Mothercare. This is the best that I can come up with."
"Fine, you do it then."
"What exactly are we going to feed it?" Aeryn asked.
"There's a commerce planet a day from here, we'll have to find some supplies there." Crichton replied.
"And until then I suppose you intend to feed it food cubes."
"No, we'll just have to improvise."
"Who's going to take care of it?"
"I am not doing it!" Jool said. "It's bad enough having to bath him!"
"Don't look at me John," Aeryn said.
"I will take care of it," D'Argo said.
"D'Argo," Chiana said, "are you sure about this?"
"You do not have to assist me unless you want to."
Chiana looked uncertain.
"Well maybe I want to," she said
"You!" Jool said. "He won't last an arn."
"Oh, like you're any better!" Chiana snapped back.
"I suggest I take him out before he wakes up," D'Argo said.
"Great idea. Chiana, are you going with him?" Crichton said.
"Yeah," she said, "I am. It's not that hard."
She left with D'Argo...and pretended not to hear Jool's snort.
***
The child had now been on board for more than thirty solar days. It felt like much longer. It was amazing how quickly they'd adapted, even though every routine had been turned upside down. The biggest argument had been over what they would name him, since they didn't know what name he had been given. D'Argo had, of course, wanted to give him a Luxan name, Crichton wanted to name him after his father, Chiana had suggested Nerri after her brother. This argument had finally been finished by Aeryn who said that, since the child was Sebacean, he ought to have a Sebacean name. And, eventually, they'd decided on the last name they'd thought of. They named him Tauvo.
Crais, who had kept out of the discussion, was both amazed and (although he hadn't admitted it) touched by this. No matter how strange it had been at first, it was wonderful to have his brother's name remembered in this way.
***
Jool was attempting to take care of Tauvo and run tests at the same time. It was not an easy task. But since everyone else had left them to fetch supplies from the commerce planet, she didn't have much of a choice. It might have been much easier if he had just gone to sleep. Unfortunately, he was very much awake and determined to claim her attention. She'd grown far more comfortable with him since he came on board, but that didn't make her job any easier. She finally gave up trying to work and picked him up. Maybe if she entertained him for a while, he might go to sleep.
Crais chose that moment to come in. He was surprised at the sight. With the possible exception of Aeryn and himself, Jool was usually the most uncomfortable with Tauvo. D'Argo and Crichton both adored children and Chiana had proved to have a talent for entertaining him, while Aeryn and Jool rarely spent time alone with him. Crais himself had always kept his distance. Caring for children was not something he had much experience in. It was one thing with Talyn, but a Sebacean child was an entirely different proposition. Besides, he suspected that D'Argo would not appreciate his interference.
Jool saw him.
"Great," she said. "You can help me take care of him while I work."
Crais found the baby stuffed into his arms. He held Tauvo as if he were made of glass.
"I believe you would be a better choice," he said.
"I don't know any more about children than you do. Just hold him for a few minutes."
Crais had never been so tense. He eyed the child in his arms rather as if he was a bomb who might go off at any moment. After a while though, he slowly began to relax. Nothing bad seemed to have happened. He cautiously touched the baby's cheek. Tauvo smiled and blew bubbles. Despite himself, Crais found a smile on his face. Tauvo reached out determinedly, grabbed one of Crais' fingers and held tight. For the first time, Crais began to feel as if this was an experience he could get to like.
He didn't realise straight away that Jool was watching him. When he finally looked up, he couldn't read the expression on her face.
"I didn't think you liked children," she said.
"I was never given the opportunity to find out," Crais said. "And I did not expect to have the chance to raise my offspring."
"What about now?" She said.
"I...have never given it much thought," Crais said, honestly.
He still couldn't read the expression on her face.
"Well maybe you should," Jool said.
"Why?" Crais asked. Something told him that there was more to this conversation than casual enquiry.
"No reason," Jool said, avoiding his gaze.
"I rather suspect," Crais said, "that there is a reason."
"Maybe I was just curious," Jool said. "So I'd know, for the future."
"The future of what?" Crais asked.
"Just...the future," Jool replied.
***
"Why is it such a strange idea?" D'Argo asked.
"Because...it just is," Chiana replied, more than a little flustered.
"I thought you enjoyed taking care of him."
"Well...I do," she said, "but...it wouldn't be the same if I had to."
"You're very good with him."
"Well...well thanks...but, D'Argo I don't want...."
"You don't want what?"
"I don't want...to be a mother. At least, not yet. I'm...I'm young D'Argo...I don't want it yet."
"At least you are being honest," D'Argo said. "Do you think you will change your mind later?"
"Yeah...maybe...I'm not sure," Chiana said.
"I suppose we'll just have to wait and see," D'Argo said.
"Yeah, wait and see," Chiana replied uneasily.
***
"You really enjoy taking care of him, don't you?" Aeryn said, watching Crichton feeding Tauvo.
"I've always liked children," he replied. "You don't seem to feel the same way."
She came to sit beside him.
"It's not that I don't like him," she said. "I've just never been around children before."
"Well, now's your chance."
They were both silent for a moment.
"You know, John, that sooner or later we will have to leave him somewhere."
"Yeah, I know."
"This is not exactly an ideal place to raise a child."
"Has Pilot found anything yet?"
"He's been scanning for Sebacean planets, but nothing so far."
"Then you have the time to get used to him." Crichton said, placing Tauvo in Aeryn's arms. Aeryn held him gingerly.
"What should I do with him?" she asked.
"Just support him with one arm and feed him with the other."
Crichton watched Aeryn concentrating on Tauvo.
"Have you ever thought about having children?" He asked.
"Since I never expected to raise them, it didn't seem to matter," she replied.
"What about that genetic birthing thing, did you ever have one of them?"
"I did have one, yes."
"Really?" Crichton asked. "Didn't you ever try to find out anything about it?"
"He didn't survive," Aeryn said flatly.
"What about the father?"
"What about him?" Aeryn asked.
"Well, who was he, maybe?"
"I don't know," Aeryn said.
"Whoa, stop, you don't know? How can you not know?"
"I was impregnated in a lab with his DNA, I have no idea who he was."
"But it must have been on your record."
"Peacekeeper Officers do not have access to their own personnel files. And there was no reason for me to know."
"Weren't you even curious?"
"The chances that it was someone I knew were minuscule. There seemed no reason to know. But, perhaps, if the child had survived, I would have wanted to find out."
Crichton was silent, trying to absorb all this.
"What about now?" he asked, rather fearing what the answer would be. "Would you consider having them now?"
Aeryn was quiet for a moment.
"Maybe," she said.
That seemed to be the best he was going to get.
***
"Okay Pilot, we're here, what is it?" Crichton asked.
"Moya and I have located a planet that appears to have large numbers of Sebacean lifesigns on it."
Crichton and D'Argo shared a look.
"I guess this is where we part company," Crichton said.
"I wish I could keep him here."
"Yeah, I know, but it's better for him to have a safer life down there than to be on the run with us."
"Somehow, knowing that does not make me feel better."
"We're all going to miss him, D."
"Except maybe Rygel."
Their laugh was almost convincing.
***
"You don't think it strange that they have made no contact with us?" D'Argo said.
"Pilot said that it looks like a rural planet. They probably don't have that kind of technology," Crichton said.
"Or they don't want to be disturbed."
"We'll have to take that risk."
"You are certain that you don't wish me to come with you?"
"If it is a rural planet they're probably not that used to off-worlders. I figure we'll blend in better if it's just me, Aeryn and Crais. Once we've got things sorted we'll bring everyone down."
"At the slightest hint of trouble, call Moya for help."
"Don't worry D'Argo, we will."
***
"Peacekeepers!" The child's scream rang out. Her mother quickly pulled her inside.
They were in a small village, farms were visible in the distance all around and fields filled every gap. Crais couldn't help feeling that this place was somehow familiar to him. They looked around for someone to talk to, but everyone seemed to have disappeared. They approached something resembling a town hall. Their knock was answered.
The man who answered seemed to age twenty cycles just by looking at them. He stood up.
"I'll inform the people that you recruiters are here."
"We're not Peacekeepers," Crichton said, suddenly understanding why everyone had vanished.
"You sure look like them," he said, suspiciously.
"We don't want to hurt you, we don't want to 'recruit' anybody, we just need your help."
"With what?" The man said, slightly less suspiciously.
"It will take some time to explain. May we come in?" Aeryn asked.
"If you're not Peacekeepers then you're welcome here," the man said.
They settled down in his office.
"So, what is it that you need help with?"
"On our travels, we came across a derelict ship. There was only one survivor, a young Sebacean child. We have been taking care of him on our ship, but we wish to find a suitable family for him here."
"Where is this child?"
"He is still on our ship. Our friends are taking care of him."
The man regarded them.
"Guess you must really not be Peacekeepers. I never heard a Peacekeeper call anyone a friend. But those are Peacekeeper uniforms."
"The ship we are travelling on was once under Peacekeeper control," Crais said. "Myself and Officer Sun were both Peacekeepers, but no longer."
"I didn't think Peacekeepers just let people go," the man said, his suspicion returning.
"Crais and I were both declared irreversibly contaminated due to our contact with the others on Moya and were lucky enough to escape execution," Aeryn said.
"Crais?" The man said.
"I am Bialar Crais," Crais replied. "Aeryn Sun and John Crichton," he added, gesturing to the others.
The man looked uneasy.
"We've got someone by that name here. Don't suppose he's any relation though."
The hairs on Crais's neck had begun to prickle, this all seemed like too much of a coincidence.
"What is his name?" Crais asked.
"Valen Crais."
Crais went white.
"Crais, what is it?" Aeryn asked.
"That is my father's name," Crais said, hoarsely.
"Is that possible?" Crichton asked.
"I was born on a farming community like this one. It seems familiar to me. It could be possible."
"I guess there's only one way to find out," Crichton said. "Where can we find him?"
"The Crais farm is at the other end of the village, by the river. He'll most likely be there."
"Let's go," Crichton said.
"No!" Crais said. "We came here to deal with Tauvo."
"Tauvo?" the man asked.
"The child," Crais said.
"Don't you even want to see if it is him?" Crichton asked.
"Perhaps later," Crais replied.
Crichton shrugged his shoulders.
"Have it your way," he said.
***
Crais was alone, his mind in turmoil. In his wildest dreams, he'd never imagined that he'd see his father again. The prospect brought back all the feelings he'd tried so hard to forget. His resentment towards his father because he'd let them be taken by the recruiters, and his guilt over his failure to protect his brother. He couldn't face him. He would be sure to ask about Tauvo, and Crais would have to tell him the truth. That Tauvo was dead. That Crais had failed to protect him as he'd promised he would. That he was a failure.
But, despite that, a part of him wanted to see if it really was his father. To go back to his childhood home. He would never have another chance in his life time, that was certain. But that meant risking the rejection that he feared. It was strange. He'd spent years being told that accidents of birth meant nothing, but it had never dissolved his love for his brother or his fear of his father. If anything, it had strengthened them.
Where had the man said the farm was? Crais headed in the direction he had indicated and suddenly found that he remembered the way. It was an unsettling feeling, walking up the path he'd run up so many times as a child. He'd never dreamed he would walk here again. He could almost feel the ghosts of himself and Tauvo around him. It took all his strength to go on, but he would not give in to fear.
There was an old man sitting outside the house. He had altered much over the cycles, but Crais knew him immediately. He did not seem to recognise Crais though, even as he came close to him.
"There's no children here so you're wasting your time," the man said.
"What?" Crais said.
"I tell you recruiters every time you come up here. There's no children in this house."
"I am not a recruiter," Crais said. "Or a Peacekeeper."
The man looked him up and down.
"You look like one to me."
"I was a Peacekeeper," Crais said. "But I am one no longer."
The man gave a bitter laugh.
"No wonder they take all our children if they're letting people go!"
"They did not *let* me go," Crais said. "I was fortunate enough to escape."
"If you're not recruiting what do you want?" the man said.
"I...used to live in this house," Crais said.
The man snorted.
"Don't be ridiculous. I've lived here all my life and I've never seen the likes of you before."
"My name," Crais said, "is Bialar Crais."
"Is this some sort of sick joke?!" the man said. "It's bad enough that you take my sons away from me, then you have to torture me as well! They are gone, you got what you wanted, now leave me alone!"
"Father," Crais said. "I am not joking. I am Bialar Crais and I am your son."
The man regarded him. He obviously did not believe Crais.
"When you were young, what pet did you have?"
"A Tarka lizard," Crais replied, without hesitation.
The man shifted in his chair.
"How did he die?"
"He ate the poison you put down to kill the Greenash beetles."
"No!" the man said forcefully. "You can't be him! It is not possible!"
"But it is true."
"You have really come back?"
"Yes."
"And Tauvo, is he with you?"
This was the moment Crais had been dreading.
"Tauvo is dead," he said.
The man slumped in his chair.
"When?"
"More than three cycles ago."
The man was silent. Crais had been expecting an explosion.
"Are you not angry with me?" Crais asked, the silence was making him too uncomfortable.
"What for?" the man asked.
"I failed. I couldn't protect Tauvo. I was certain that you would be angry."
The man gave a tired smile.
"It's hard to care about anything that much any more. I lost both my sons, then my wife. It is enough that you have returned."
"My mother?" Crais asked. "She is dead?"
"For over thirty cycles," the man said. "It was a blessing she died."
Crais was shocked by that. The man saw his expression and gave a wry smile.
"Don't look like that. I meant it was a blessing for her. After the recruiters took you and Tauvo away she was never the same again."
"You have lived alone here for all that time?"
"I have hired men working the farm for me and Laili to look after the house."
"Laili?"
"Your cousin Laili. You won't remember her. She wasn't even born when you were taken away. She's the only one the recruiters haven't taken, too weak when she was young, she's grown out of it now though."
"And my Aunt and Uncle?"
"Both dead these ten cycles."
Crais sat down and tried to absorb all he had heard. The fears he'd had that his father would reject him seemed groundless, but so much had happened since he was here last. His father seemed like a different man and everyone he knew seemed to be dead. The world he'd known was dead and gone.
"What about you?" the man asked. "How long have you been out of the Peacekeepers?"
"Over two cycles," Crais said.
"What are you doing now?"
"I live on board a leviathan with a group of escaped Peacekeeper prisoners."
The man almost laughed.
"A real step up," he said.
"I have come to appreciate it."
"What about a mate, offspring?"
"I have no offspring. I have a mate, of sorts."
"What's she like?"
Crais found himself smiling.
"Hard work," he said.
The man managed a chuckle.
"Will I get to meet her?" he asked.
"If you wish it," Crais replied.
***
It ended up with almost the entire crew piled into the kitchen. Laili proved to be a very good natured woman who didn't object to six people invading and served food so good that even D'Argo considered snurching some to take back with them. She took to Tauvo immediately and, altogether, they thoroughly enjoyed themselves.
Before they left, Laili asked to speak to them.
"You say that you are looking for a family for him. Would you consider leaving him here with me?"
"If we leave him with you, sooner or later he will be recruited," Aeryn said.
"That would be true of any family here," she said. "I understand that you do not want him to be a Peacekeeper, but there is a risk of that wherever you leave him."
"She's right," Crichton said. "From what I've heard here, the recruiters come round every few cycles. The community is almost dying out."
"And every Sebacean planet like it is the same," D'Argo said.
"At least I can give him a good life until then," she said. "But it is your decision."
"Could we have a moment alone?" Aeryn asked.
"Of course," Laili replied and went outside.
"Are we going to condemn him to life as a Peacekeeper?" D'Argo asked.
"I don't like it either D'Argo, but I think this is as good as we can do," Crichton said. "Wherever we leave him they'll probably pick him up, at least here he can have a good start in life."
"What if we kept him with us?" Chiana said.
"And the next time Scorpius catches up with us, he gets killed? We agreed we had to find him a home."
"I wish there was another option too D'Argo, but this is the best we can do for him," Aeryn said. "He will have a childhood here and maybe he won't be taken, we can't be sure."
"Or are we just telling ourselves that to make us feel better?" D'Argo replied.
"Being on the run is no life for a child," Crichton said. "This may not be perfect, but it's the best we can do."
***
The others had left to go back to Moya. Crais was still at the house. He knew that he must leave soon. He didn't know quite what he was waiting for, but it felt to him like something else had to happen before he could leave. He was sitting on the steps outside the house, watching the sunset. It was a sight he remembered and loved from his childhood.
He heard footsteps behind him.
"Bialar, you must come," Laili said.
Crais knew what it was without asking.
His father gave a weak smile as Crais approached his bedside. It took him a while to find his voice.
"I've always wondered, all these cycles, why I was still here. I had nothing to live for anymore. I guess now I understand, I had to wait for you to come back."
Crais didn't know how to answer.
"I've regretted a few things in my life, but it's too late to change most of them. One thing I can do though, is to explain to you the way I was when you were young."
He paused, struggling to find the right words.
"I always knew that you would be taken one day. I thought it would be easier for you if you weren't too attached to me. I kept you boys at arms length all the time. But I was wrong, that just made it easier for me. All these years you've been gone, I've regretted that. I just wanted to let you know that...I'm proud of you."
His eyes closed and, for the first time that he could remember, Bialar Crais broke down and wept.
***
He felt better. It was as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He no longer felt like a failure. He only wished that he'd had more time with his father.
He was deep in thought as he headed to the medilab to see Jool. His mind had come back to the conversation they'd had before they set foot on the planet. He was still sure that there was something she wasn't telling him, and he intended to find out what it was.
"Jool," he said, as he came in, "I have been thinking more about our earlier conversation."
"Oh?" She said. He was sure her shoulders had stiffened.
"I believe," he said, slowly, "that I would like to raise a family eventually."
"Oh," she said again. "I wish you luck with that."
"Don't you mean, wish *us* luck?" Crais asked.
"No," she said. "I mean you."
"You do not want children then?"
"It's not that I don't want them, it's just...."
"What?"
"I...can't have them. It's medical and irreversible, before you ask. I discovered it in a routine screening four cycles ago."
"I knew there was something you were not telling me."
"Well now you know," she said. "What are you going to do?"
"It does not matter to me at the present time."
"But it will, later on?"
"Perhaps. I suggest we delay thinking about it until it does."
"It's not going to go away."
"I know that, but it may never become a difficulty for us."
Somehow, Jool found that hard to believe.
***
Aeryn was on Talyn, searching for her personnel file that Crais had accessed from Peacekeeper command. The events lately had made her think about the child she'd lost, and she'd found that she was curious to know who the father had been. She wasn't sure if it would be listed on her file, but that was the best idea she had.
When she found it, she scanned it, looking for a reference to genetic birthings. When she found it, she went white.
"Talyn," she said, "restrict access to this file. Myself only."
She gripped the panel for support. No one must ever read this file. If Crais should find it, or worse Crichton, they might never get over it. Of all the people it could have been! How had she come to have a child with Captain Bialar Crais?
***
Many cycles later, on a Peacekeeper Command Carrier, a young officer marched into Command. He approached his new commanding officer and stood to attention.
"Officer Tauvo Crais reporting for duty, Sir!"