I've Been to London

by Buffelyn

There's a rip in the fabric of time...and it's in Rick and Evy's living room. Join our heroes as they welcome Buffy and Spike in the first of a rather silly series of guest appearances. :)

I've Been to London: "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"

There's a rip in the fabric of time...and it's in Rick and Evy's living room. Join our heroes as they welcome Buffy and Spike in the first of a rather silly series of guest appearances:) Review, please:)

I've been working on this story forever and a day. One of those things you pick up every couple months. Finally, finished. Hahahahahahah! May not be any good, but I for one was greatly amused. :)

A note: Assume that Rick and Evy are newlyweds and are already living in London...

A Buffy chronology note: There's something between Buffy and Spike, but nothing's happened yet...

Disclaimer: Stephen Sommers and Joss Whedon own these characters, not me. Can you imagine what wonderful worlds that pair could dream up? Also, title is from a Splender song, which the band obviously owns.

Evelyn O'Connell sighed contentedly as she rested her head on her sleeping husband's chest. To think only a month ago, she'd thought him a dirty, rotten scoundrel...she certainly had never pictured herself marrying someone like him. But now that she had, she couldn't ever see herself with anyone else. Of course he wasn't perfect. No one was perfect. She'd had to tell herself that many times over the course of the past few weeks. He had a criminal record, for goodness sake! That alone should have deterred her from any sort of involvement. The fact that they'd met in prison, however, had done nothing to dampen Evelyn's attraction to him. (Well, once he'd cleaned up a bit.) He was an American, had no higher education, had grown up in an orphanage, had no reputable friends, and could be rather tactless and foul-mouthed at times...but there were certain other things he could do with his mouth which more than made up for that last flaw.

Crash...clatter...

"What was that?"

"It's just the storm," Rick mumbled.

"Maybe it's Jonathan coming back."

"It's not early enough for that."

Clang...thump...

"Rick, I definitely heard something downstairs."

By this time Rick had woken fully and had retrieved a gun from his dresser. "Stay here," he commanded Evelyn as he crept out of the room, following the noises.

"Yeah, right," Evelyn muttered as she grabbed a robe and followed her husband.

Crash!...

"Be careful!" Buffy hissed as she yanked Spike off the floor. "What is your problem?"

"I'm just a little disoriented," he said. "That was one strange trip."

"Where are we?"

"How should I know?"

"You're the one who fell into the stupid portal in the first place!"

"Yes, and as I recall, you followed me right in. Why did you, by the way?"

Buffy was very glad that it was dark, so Spike couldn't see her blushing. "I...I didn't want you to...get hurt."

"Thanks for looking out for my well-being, Slayer, but I think I can look out for myself."

"Geez, you try to be nice to someone-"

"Where are we, anyway?"

"I think we're in a house," Buffy answered, glad to change the subject. "Man, these people have money. Where did the demon go?"

"Why would the portal take us here?"

"Don't move," a voice growled from behind them. Despite the warning, Buffy immediately whipped around and knocked a gun out of the man's hand, then delivered a rather vicious blow to his midsection which sent him straight to the floor. "A little jumpy, love?" Spike asked. "We're the ones who've broken into his house, after all."

"We did not break in!" Buffy protested.

By this time Rick had recovered and snatched the gun off the floor. He aimed it at Spike and said, "Get the hell out of here."

"Sir, we're really sorry," Buffy said. "We just seem to have gotten lost-"

"And you wandered into my house?"

"Actually, mate, this being Sunnydale, we stepped through a portal, and poof! Here we are."

"Sunnydale? This is 4578 Green Lane. It's a private residence. I suggest you leave now."

"I don't think there's a Green Lane in Sunnydale," Buffy said. "Is there?"

"How should I know? I spend most of my time in the cemeteries!"

"Who the hell are you?" Rick exploded. "What are you doing in my house?!"

The little blond girl had gotten a very funny look on her face. "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Brendan Fraser?" she asked Rick suddenly.

"Mate, this may be a very strange question, but what year is it?"

"1925," came another, more timid, voice behind them. "Rick, what's going on?"

"Evy, I thought I told you to stay upstairs!"

"We're really sorry, love, but we seem to have wandered into the wrong house," offered Spike. "We'll just be on our way."

"Do you have a car?" Evy asked.

"No, we'll just...walk."

"Nonsense," said Evy. "In this storm? You'll drown."

"Storm?" Buffy asked Spike. "I don't remember a storm."

"Who are you people?!" Rick interrupted. He waved the gun in the air as if he'd forgotten he still held it. His wife noticed this and laid a hand on his arm. "Rick, sweetheart, why don't we put the gun down and make a cup of tea for our guests?"

"Oh, yes, let's make a cup of tea for the intruders!"

"Listen, mate, it was an accident!"

"Are you really going to send them out in this weather?" Evy asked her husband.

Rick gave her a look, but the gun disappeared and he gestured in the general direction of the kitchen. "Fine!"

Soon Evelyn had settled everyone around the kitchen table with a cup of tea. She decided to begin the introductions as nobody else seemed keen on speaking. "My name is Evelyn," she introduced herself, "and this is my husband Rick."

"I'm Spike," said the vampire, "and this is my...friend, Buffy."

"Do you live in London?" asked Evelyn.

"London?" Buffy said with alarm. "We're in London?!"

"Oh, sorry about Buffy here," said Spike. "She gets a little disoriented sometimes."

"I do not!"

"Are you vacationing here?" asked Rick.

"Um, yes, we live in California."

"London," Buffy muttered. "Stupid portal."

"Where you from originally, mate? I take it you're not English."

"Boston."

"Oh, lovely town. Lots of good food."

"Spike!"

"What?"

"Are you hungry?" Evy asked. "Would you like a snack?"

"Oh, no, Ma'am, that's fine--"

"Nonsense. I've just baked some cookies this afternoon."

Nothing Spike could say would sway Evy from fetching the cookies (he didn't think it polite to ask if they had any blood around the house). After they'd all had a few, again in complete silence, Evelyn began to look a little green.

"Excuse me," she said, pushing out from the table and running headlong out of the kitchen. Rick made a move to follow her, but Buffy suspected that he wouldn't want to leave Spike alone. "I'll go see if she's okay," she said, and followed Evelyn out of the kitchen.

Silence reigned for the next several minutes as the two men stared at each other across the table. "So, mate," Spike offered, "how did you meet your wife?"

"Prison."

"Ah. Right."

Rick searched around for something to say and found he could not come up with anything original. "How did you....meet Buffy?"

"Tried to kill her. Not the last time, either. Course I can't now, what with this chip in my head. Prevents me from hurting humans. Government put it there, you know."

"Oh."

And that was the end of that.

Buffy found Evelyn sitting on the tile floor of the bathroom still looking pale, but no longer green. "Hey, Evelyn," said Buffy. "Are you okay?"

Evy looked up as Buffy knelt down next to her. "Yes, thank you. I haven't been feeling too well lately."

"I'm sorry."

"I think I'm pregnant," Evy blurted out. "Oh, God. Why did I just tell you that?"

"It's okay."

"I just...had to tell someone."

"Do you know for sure?"

"No. I had an appointment with the doctor today, though. I'll know in a few days....but....I do know. I'm sure of it. I don't know why, but I am."

"Are you...are you happy?"

"Yes," she said immediately. "Oh, I don't know. But...yes. I can't believe I could be so blessed. And at the same time..."

"You're afraid to tell Rick, aren't you?"

"I am! I mean, I don't know how he's going to react! We've only been married for a couple of months, we've never even discussed children seriously--"

"He loves you."

"What?"

"I can tell by the way he looks at you. So how could he not be happy?"

Evelyn looked as though she were about to cry. "Oh, Buffy," she sobbed, falling into the slayer's arms again. "Thank you, thank you so much."

"No problem. And hey--congratulations."

"Thank you." Evelyn straightened up. "Now about that man of yours...Spike?"

Buffy laughed, though Evelyn couldn't know entirely why. "No. Spike's not my type. He's not...wait. He's exactly my type. And that's why I have to stay away from him."

"Forgive me, but I don't get the reference."

"Spike just isn't...anything."

Evelyn raised her eyebrows. "Are you sure about that?"

"No," Buffy confessed. "I thought he wasn't anything, but...."

"I know what you mean. Sometimes, those people....they can turn out to be everything."

The girls returned to the kitchen to find that, while at least they weren't tearing at each other's throats (heh heh...pun intended:), Rick and Spike were still apparently not speaking to each other. Evelyn and Buffy took their places at the table again, and the silence continued.

Evy tried to start the conversation again. "So, what do you two do?"

"Uh, well I--"

"I'm a slayer," Buffy said. "I live on a Hellmouth and I fight demons all night long. Ever need a demon extinguished, just call me. I owe you one for the cookies." Spike put his head in his hands.

Several more moments of silence followed, though not as many as Buffy and Spike might have thought. Rick simply asked, "How about mummies?"

"What?" She hadn't expected so understanding (or polite) an answer.

"Ever encountered any mummies?"

"I've done a mummy in my time. She sucked the life out of guys by kissing them."

"Ours just sort of sucked the life out of you," Evy offered. "I guess he did kiss me that once. Oh, twice. But he didn't suck the life out of me, he just tried to ritually sacrifice me. Also tried to kill Rick, didn't he, sweetie?"

"You kissed him twice?"

Evelyn's eyes widened, and her mouth opened and shut a few times before she could answer. "Um, technically." Buffy and Spike exchanged nervous glances across the table.

"May I ask which time I missed?" Rick asked.

"I was saving your life! He was going to kill you with that sandstorm!"

"You saved our lives by kissing Imhotep?!"

"Well it worked, didn't it? It was all I could think of on short notice!"

"Um, perhaps we should be going..." Spike said, standing. "Thank you very much for the cookies."

"Yes," added Buffy. "We really should--"

She was interrupted by a scream from Evelyn, who was justifiably startled, for a bright green demon with pointy things for hands and a rather mad gleam in his eye was crouched on her kitchen counter. "He must have followed us in. Evelyn, Rick, get back," said Buffy. "Get out of the--"

With a growl the monster leapt off the counter and tackled Buffy before she could think to grab a weapon. She rolled him off and scrambled for the door as Spike pushed the O'Connells through it. Just in time they slammed the door on the beast and the vampire shoved a short bookcase in front of it. They could hear the thing scratching at the other side of the door. Everyone stood there for a moment, not sure what to say.

"Um," tried Buffy, "happen to keep a little thing called a Dagger of Dranon somewhere in the house?"

"What?" asked Spike. "You had it in your hand when we went through the portal!"

"Well, I don't have it now! I must have dropped it."

"Excuse me," said Rick. "What's so important about this dagger?"

"It's the only thing that'll kill this demon."

"Demon? What the hell is a demon doing in my kitchen?"

"It was a whole big thing," said Buffy. "It's been eating puppies."

"Naturally," added Spike, "Buffy felt the need to stop him."

"Trust us, we did lots of research."

Evelyn looked quite ill again. "Puppies?"

"Yes. And virgins."

"Oh."

Spike was perusing the sword rack on the wall. "You keep quite a collection of weaponry around the house. Any particular reason?"

"Those were my father's," replied Evelyn. "He collected things like that."

"Spike," said Buffy, "where did you say you came across that dagger?"

"Oh, I've had it since the fifties. Lifted it from an estate sale." At Buffy's questioning look, Spike threw up his hands. "I didn't kill anyone! They seemed like nice people. Thought it was enough of a trade to take the thing and not feed on 'em. I can be a good guy sometimes."

"Where was the estate sale?"

"In..." Spike's eyes widened. "...London. Evelyn, where did your father get most of this stuff?"

"Egypt, mostly, but some of the smaller pieces are from Asia--"

"That's it! That's it! Look for a little green one, it has Japanese characters on the handle."

They were given no chance, however, for the demon crashed through the kitchen door, rolled over the bookcase, and began swiping at Evelyn with his clawed hands. Spike and Rick both attempted to tackle the thing at the same moment and ended up accomplishing nothing more than knocking heads. The demon turned his attention to Buffy, who was ready with a large bejeweled sword but no dagger. She swung the sword at him but the demon was quicker, and he managed to bound out of the way and up onto a chandelier. He swung from the ceiling, studying the people below and hissing.

"I found it!" cried Evelyn, holding up the Dagger of Dranon. She was slightly less cheery about her discovery when the demon spotted it in her hand and jumped to the floor. "Uh...catch!"

With that she pitched the dagger in Rick's general direction. The demon changed courses and lunged at him, and Rick made a valiant effort but the dagger was knocked from his hand in the scuffle. Spike readily picked it up but, again, the crafty thing slipped from his grasp. "Buffy, catch!"

He tossed the dagger at the slayer, which she caught easily, but the beast continued to pursue the vampire. He knocked Spike to the ground and pounced on him.

"Hey!" cried Buffy, tapping the demon on the shoulder. "Get the hell away from my friend!"

The demon was confused enough by all the activity to turn right into the dagger as Buffy stabbed him. He gave a last growling protest, but finally the demon fell to the floor, defeated.

Buffy offered a hand to help Spike up. "Nice teamwork..." he said. "...Friend."

"Yeah," she said, not meeting the vampire's eyes. "That one was feisty. You guys have experience with Dranon demons?"

Evelyn and Rick exchanged a look that the others could not read. "Mummies, mostly," said Evelyn. "But I can assure you I've never kissed one unless there were no other options."

Rick hugged his wife close and kissed the top of her head. "I know. I'm sorry. I would have made his death much more painful, however, had I known about that second one."

Spike looked to Buffy but she shook her head. "Hug me and you'll be dusted so fast..."

"Fair enough. Hey! Look, the portal!"

They looked to the splintered kitchen doorway, which had begun to pulse and distort the shadows in the kitchen. "We have to get the Dranon through the portal first," said Spike. "We can't just leave it here."

"Don't worry," Buffy assured Rick and Evelyn, who looked doubtful about the whole concept of a portal. "We have lots of experience with demon disposal."

Rick and Spike managed to heave the body through the doorway, and in an instant it was gone. "Well," said the vampire, "I guess this is goodbye. Thanks for your help, mate." He held out his hand, which Rick shook, though he still looked a bit wary.

Buffy turned to Evelyn, surprised to find that tears stung her eyes. "Thank you, Evelyn. For everything."

Evelyn hugged the slayer quickly, but before letting go she whispered, "Good luck with Spike."

"Thank you. Keep the Dranon dagger someplace safe, okay? We don't want to mess with history."

"Ready, slayer?"

Spike held out his hand, and it was a moment before Buffy realized he expected her to take it. She did so, and they shared a long look before stepping forward into the blur that was the portal. Just like that they were gone, and as soon as they'd disappeared the portal snapped loudly and closed, leaving nothing but a fractured kitchen door in it's place.

"Well," said Rick, "that was interesting."

"Yeah...Rick?"

"Yes?"

"I'm pregnant."

THE END:)

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Suggestions, comments, constructive criticism appreciated, as always. :)