Dear Diary

I have been sleeping for days with few breaks. Dreamlessly sleeping. I hadn't even remembered going to sleep after they told me, but Ursula says it's been days. That's all due to the stunning curse, though.

I'm not at the cabin anymore. I'm in London. At Naffelegoat square, in room 108 at the Wizarding Hospital. Ursula is trying to console me. I wish she wouldn't. I wish she would give me a little space. I haven't had any space since they told me. They think I'll hurt myself if they leave me alone. They haven't actually said it. They said "We're here to keep you company." Being an Auror myself I know what this means. They are here to keep me safe, or from hurting myself.

I can't bring myself to write it. This is all too real but it feels as if I'm in a dream, floating from scene to scene and it'll all disappear soon. But I know it won't. I've seen it over and over again. Me being the protecting Auror while someone else sits and stares at everything as if they've seen it for the first time, as if nothing is real. But it is real, it's always real, and even this is real. They're dead. Lily, James and Peter are dead.

When they came to tell me, I knew. Dumbledore, Fudge, Leopold, Evie, Ursula and Remus came to my cabin the other night. They had to tie me down. It's a good thing they did too, they wouldn't have been able to hold me down if they hadn't. I imagine I may have run straight for my wand and cursed myself, or through a window, or maybe even the knife drawer. It was that bad, it was like being hit by lightning the way the pain hit me like that. The last thing I remember was screaming. I couldn't stop. And I said things I shouldn't have, called people names I shouldn't have, I even blamed Remus for things that he didn't do. I called Dumbledore a liar. I can't even remember what made me do it. I didn't mean it, I don't really know what made me do it. I just couldn't stop screaming.

They say that Sirius is at fault. They say he outright murdered them, that he turned to the dark lord. If It weren't for him, my best friend would be alive right now. This is the hardest part of it all; I can't bring myself to believe it. And I must be mad, crazy, a lunatic even. Because a part of me is siding with him. I feel so guilty and disgusting. Oh dear god, Desdemone, how can you still defend him after what he did? He killed Lily! Sirius killed her, and James and Peter!!! Desdemone, how can you even think it? If I forgive him, I can't forgive myself. He chose Voldemort over all of us. But I do forgive him.

The feeling is making me sick inside. I feel so confused I just want to die. There's two people I've loved more than anyone else in the world. Lily and Sirius. Now Lily is dead and Sirius is the only one left. My heart is making excuses for him, telling me that I should love him anyway. And I still do love him. I need him more now than I feel I ever have, and yet the more I love him the more I hate myself. I want Lily back. I can't do this, I can't do this at all. What would Lily say? I am shaking. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I can't write. I just

And that's just what I did, I threw up. After that last entry I had to stop and run to the ladies room down the corridor. Ursula stopped gazing out the window and said "Des? Des, are you alright?" She ran after me but I closed the door behind me and slid the lock in place. I barely made it to the loo before I was sick.

"Des? Dezzie?"

I ignored her. She knocked and then the knob shook.

"Dez, open up."

She'd forgotton her wand back in the room. I sat back against the wall and hugged my knees resting my cheek on them.

"Dezzie? Are you alright? Answer me!"

"I'm fine." My head was a little dizzy and I couldn't bring myself to stand up.

"Can you unlock the door?"

"I'll be out in a minute, I'm just going to wash my hands." I flopped over and crawled toward the sink, somehow pulling myself up. Running my hands under the cool water woke me up a little. I looked in the mirror and saw the face of a stranger. Her eyes were cloudy and lifeless. Her face was pale and covered in deep dark shadows. All I could see was a betrayer.

I looked back to my hands under the running water and they lingered to wrists. At the back of my mind I heard Lily's voice "You're the best in the world, you always will be." It seemed to echo. I found myself replying in my head.

"No, I'm not. I'm not..." It echoed, then Lily's voice grew louder and so did mine. The voices were jumbled, growing louder and louder.

"No, I'm not" I whispered, and I said it again louder.

"Dez?"

"I'm not!" I said out loud.

"What?" Ursula sounded concerned.

That's when I lost control. I punched the wall as I screamed "I'm not, dear god, I'm not! I'm not! It isn't true!" I started to breathe faster and faster. The wild rage returned and swept through me. I flung open the cabinet and scattered it's contents everywhere.

"Dezzie!!! What are you doing?! Open the door! Dez!" She was slamming on the door now. "Dez! Open the door now! Stop it! You're scaring me!"

I couldn't be stopped. I kept screaming and throwing things around. I was looking for something sharp, something that could pierce the skin. I found a bottle of some sort of serum and without reading it, I opened it and drank it all down, hoping all the time it was a poisonous serum. I threw the empty container at the door and it shattered.

"DEZZIE!" Ursula screamed, violently shaking the door. "Someone help me! Dez, stop, please!" She may have been crying, I don't know. I didn't seem to care. I caught a glance of my face in the mirror, my hideous betraying face and I savagely charged at it. I smashed at it with my fists and cracked it. 'Broken glass' I thought. I could hear Urs running down the hall crying out for aid. The mirror was attached by two hinges and wrenching at it I managed to break one. By furiously jerking it and shaking and pulling at it, it broke off the wall. I could hear footsteps coming just before I held the mirror above my head and plunged it down on the sink. It smashed and the splinters of glass went everywhere. The palms of my hands were cut up, they were bleeding. I fell to the ground and cast my eyes about, looking for the right piece. I had one in my hand when the door swung open and Urs was there, her hands tightly gripped around my arms. She was trying to pull me out. The shard of glass slipped from my wet hand and I began to thrash my arms around. I hit and scratched at Ursula, screaming all the while. There were more people around me and they held me down. I fought to the last second, the word 'stupefy' rang through the air, and I fought through the moment before it hit me.

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