Chapter 6
"Soda, what the HELL are you doing?!"he yelled. I opened my eyes. Soda jumped slightly back and I quickly unwound my arms from around him.
"Steve!" I glared at him, angry as hell for him breaking the kiss. But then I remembered he knew nothing about Sandy. "Hi!" my voice suddenly high.
"Um, um. Well.. we were just.... just." Soda stammered trailing off, unable to find the words to explain. Steve walked behind the counter quickly.
"What they hell are you two doing?" he asked again, angrily his voice loud. "Soda, what the hell are you doing cheating on Sandy?" His voice got louder. "She's gone for less than two fucking DAYS and already you're cheating on her! I can't believe you! You fucking asshole!" He rambled on and on about Soda. Finally I couldn't take it anymore, the hurt look on Soda's face at his best friends half betrayal. I quickly stepped in front of him protectivly. "Stop it!!!!!" I screamed at Steve. "Just stop it!" I screeched. They both looked at me in shock.Steve stopped immediatly.I never, ever screamed at THEM. Other people, yeah sometimes, but never THEM. I told you I have a temper and when I lose it, I lose it big. And I had lost it. "SHE was the one cheating on HIM! And she started about two months BEFORE she even fucking left!" I yelled as loud as I could, tears streaming down my face. " So don't you fucking DARE yell at him about cheating, alright?! They aren't together anymore. She told me she was gonna break up with him even if she hadn't been sent to Florida." I was still yelling. I sniffed and wiped the tears out of my eyes. I turned and looked into Soda's big, brown eyes. I saw the look there. "Soda, I'm so so sorry." I said softly. Apparently Soda still thought she'd choose him over Clark anyday by the look on his face and in his eyes. I reached up a hand and softly carressed his face. I pressed a soft and loving kiss on his cheek and whispered in his ear, "I'm so so sorry Soda." then I kissed his cheek again and turned towards Steve. Soda's taller than me, but not too taller than me. It was relativly easy to kiss his cheek with only slightly reaching up. I was still in front of Soda and I leaned against him slightly. He didn't move. He didn't do anything. I was only half relieved however. I looked at Steve. He looked stunned.
"Soda? Is she telling the truth? She ain't lying?" he asked softly. Soda slowly looked at his face.
"Yeah, I guess she is telling the truth. She isn't lying."he said softly. Tears welled in his eyes.
"Hey, man, I'm sorry ok? I'm sorry." said Steve.
But Soda wasn't listening. I felt a little strange. A knot started in my stomach. I slowly turned and looked at him. He was looking at me, tears about to drop. "I can't believe you didn't tell me." He suddenly looked at Steve. "You should have known! You don't start on me! My life is my business. And you've cheated dozens of times!" he said loudly. He looked at both of us angrily. I shrank back slightly, afraid for the first time of his anger.
"Soda.." I said experimentally, trying to think of something to say. But Soda had had enough. He shook his angrily at us and ran out the door and then out of sight. Me and Steve looked at each other.
"After him!" I said. "We have to go after him!"
Steve nodded and we both shot out the door after him, me locking the door and turning the open sign to closed as we raced out the door. We ran and ran, trying to figure out where he would go. Suddenly I got it. Me and Steve were running side by side. "The park!" I said to him as he got back on course with me after veering. But only slightly. We shot through the lot, passed the Curtis's and to the park. I'm a really fast runner. I'm on the track and cross-country team and everything. Steve was fast too, so we got there in about five minutes all together. We got to the grass. I slowed to a stop and leaned on my knees, gasping for breath slightly. Steve came up next to me and started to look around, breathing heavy. I stood up straight and started to look around myself. Then I saw him. He was sitting on the grass, his back to the fountain, softly crying. As frequent as Soda's crying seems, he almost never cries and most certainly, NEVER in public. But so much had happened to him with almost no time for him to get used to any of it. "Steve." I said quietly and pointed at Soda. His shoulders were starting to shake.
"Belle, I'm sorry." Steve said, almost whispering.
"I know you are."I said. and put my hand on his arm lightly. Steve was Soda's best friend and I needed to keep him as one of my friends too. Steve had a hard time with his father. A whole lot of bottled up anger and hatred. The second most dangerous of the gang. But I understood and he knew that. He loved me for it. As a sister. And I loved him as I would my own brother. He was my brother in a way. We walked over to Soda slowly. I sat down beside him. Steve sat on the other side. "I know about Ponyboy and Johnny." I said, after a couple of seconds. "I know about what they did. And I know that the police dragged Dally in and he told them they were headed for Texas and they weren't coming back." His shoulders slumped a little more. I put my hand on his shoulder, lightly. He shrugged it off. I pulled it back like I had been burned when he shrugged it off his shoulder.
"You know a lot, don't you?" he said angrily.
"Yeah, I do." I said, getting a little angry myself. "I also know Dally would never tell cops the truth about ANYTHING, especially Johnny." "I'm still probably never gonna see him again." he said bitterly
"Oh, Soda. Of course you will! He'll come back." said Steve firmly.
"If he knows what's good for him though, he'll stay away from Socs."I said.
"Yeah, you'd know all about that wouldn't you? You've been on their side before Belle. What about now, huh?" said Soda bitterly.
"Stop it! That was different and you know it! And you also know that more than 95% of the time I'm on you're side. That was one or maybe two fucking times Soda! And those situations were completly different. You should know better than to assume that I'd side with the man that put my boyfriend in a coma. We may not be together now, but we were then and you especially should know what my temper can get like. I'm on you're side and you know it! You're searching for reasons to hate me and you know you can't find them. I am NOT a Soc!" I ranted angrily, emphasizing the last statement with all the force I had. And right then it was a lot.
"I know you're not, but sometimes you can act like one hell of a Soc. And you're not a Greaser either so stop pretending you know what it's like!"Soda yelled at me. "Belle, you can't go back and forth forever. Find out who you are and stop trying to act like something you're not."he said. Then he got up and started walking away.
"Soda! Wait! I thought you, of all people, would understand! Stop!" I yelled after him. But it was no use. He just kept walking. I got up. I stared after him angrily. Of all the people in the world, I thought he'd understand. I really didn't KNOW where I belonged. I didn't KNOW who or what I was. I didn't know how to find out. "Fine, be that way!" I shouted angrily after him throught angry tears, instantly wishing I could take the words back. But Soda had made me realize something that I had only truly realized a few times before, and even then only in short moments of pure truth. I DIDN'T know who I was. I was living lie after lie trying to be things I just wasn't. I didn't know where I belonged. I didn't belong anywhere. And I felt such and emptiness at knowing it. I really didn't have anyone or anything or anywhere. I was alone. No matter how many people surrounded me, I was still all alone. All alone in my own unknowing. and I realized something else. I would never know who or what I was or where I was supposed to be until I faced my fears and stopped shoving all my feelings and real qualities deep inside where I would never have to face them.
I snapped out of my thoughts when I felt a light touch on my shoulder. I looked up. It was Steve. He was looking at me with a really worried and concerned expression on his face. I suddenly realized I was on the ground again with my back to the fountain. I must have slid down in my thoughts of hopelessness. I was taking my breath in deep gasps and my tears wouldn't stop flowing no matter how many times I brushed them away. Me, miss tough girl who never cried couldn't stop now.
"Belle? Are you ok?" Steve asked softly.
"No, Steve, I don't think I am ok this time. I....." I hesitated, wondering if I could trust him.
"What is it Belle?" He slid to the ground next to me. I decided to let my guard down. He was like my brother after all. I tried to quit crying. I couldn't. Finally, at last, they seemed to dry up and I could finally talk.
"I've loved Soda for soo long. SO long. And I know that we flirt,but I know that Soda doesn't love me back. At least, I thought he didn't. I watched him ask a girl to fucking marry him. A girl I knew for a FACT had cheated on him and still was. I watched him finally lose control. I stood up to him when no one else dared to. I loved him even those very, very few times he was a jerk. I've loved him for who he is, not what everyone wanted him to be and not only for what he looks like. And I finally, after all that time, found out he loved me back. I finally got to kiss him. I was in heaven. I heard a fucking orchestra, Steve." I laughed a little, somewhat bitterly. "And now... he won't even listen to me so I can make him understand." I sniffed. " I love him so much. And have for so long, that I don't think I can stand to have my heart broken by him. and right now it's definitly breaking."
"Belle, I knew that you liked him, but I didn't know you really did love him. I just thought you were trying to get him while he was vulnerable."
"God Steve! I could never do that to Soda." I got up. "C'mon, we gotta go back to work. Those bimbos out front are only gonna last so long without more gum replacements to snap at each other." Steve laughed. I finally smiled, pleased that I could still keep my sense of humour. "Besides, he'll have to come back sooner or later." Steve also stood.
"I guess you're right." he said. We walked quickly back to the DX. Soda wasn't there. I sighed. Steve smiled at me, reassuringly and sympathetically. " He has to come back sooner or later." he promised me. I smiled back at him slightly, willing myself to at least half believe those words. Steve went back into the garage and I went behind the counter again. Since the store was no longer closed, the bimbos came in every once in a while to restock themselves with gum and sodas. I finished my homework. Three hours and Soda still hadn't come back. I was starting to get worried. And then I started to get a tiny bit mad. Why the fuck couldn't he just understand, or at least be man enough to come back and face me.
Soda didn't show up all day. I went home, driving a little under the speed limit and not about 30-50 miles over it for the first time in my life. At that moment, I had temporarily cooled off. I started to reason with myself, logic slowly returning to my mind somewhat. 'Let him get used to this. A lot just happened in a really short amount of time. Just give him some time." I tried to reason with myself. It was useless, I knew. I never really believed me when I told me things like that. But I tried anyway. When I got home, my mom was there. I really didn't feel like her nagging just then. All she ever goes on about is getting out damn house clean. I really could car eless what it looked like. I had other things on my mind. Soda, for instance.
"Soda, what the HELL are you doing?!"he yelled. I opened my eyes. Soda jumped slightly back and I quickly unwound my arms from around him.
"Steve!" I glared at him, angry as hell for him breaking the kiss. But then I remembered he knew nothing about Sandy. "Hi!" my voice suddenly high.
"Um, um. Well.. we were just.... just." Soda stammered trailing off, unable to find the words to explain. Steve walked behind the counter quickly.
"What they hell are you two doing?" he asked again, angrily his voice loud. "Soda, what the hell are you doing cheating on Sandy?" His voice got louder. "She's gone for less than two fucking DAYS and already you're cheating on her! I can't believe you! You fucking asshole!" He rambled on and on about Soda. Finally I couldn't take it anymore, the hurt look on Soda's face at his best friends half betrayal. I quickly stepped in front of him protectivly. "Stop it!!!!!" I screamed at Steve. "Just stop it!" I screeched. They both looked at me in shock.Steve stopped immediatly.I never, ever screamed at THEM. Other people, yeah sometimes, but never THEM. I told you I have a temper and when I lose it, I lose it big. And I had lost it. "SHE was the one cheating on HIM! And she started about two months BEFORE she even fucking left!" I yelled as loud as I could, tears streaming down my face. " So don't you fucking DARE yell at him about cheating, alright?! They aren't together anymore. She told me she was gonna break up with him even if she hadn't been sent to Florida." I was still yelling. I sniffed and wiped the tears out of my eyes. I turned and looked into Soda's big, brown eyes. I saw the look there. "Soda, I'm so so sorry." I said softly. Apparently Soda still thought she'd choose him over Clark anyday by the look on his face and in his eyes. I reached up a hand and softly carressed his face. I pressed a soft and loving kiss on his cheek and whispered in his ear, "I'm so so sorry Soda." then I kissed his cheek again and turned towards Steve. Soda's taller than me, but not too taller than me. It was relativly easy to kiss his cheek with only slightly reaching up. I was still in front of Soda and I leaned against him slightly. He didn't move. He didn't do anything. I was only half relieved however. I looked at Steve. He looked stunned.
"Soda? Is she telling the truth? She ain't lying?" he asked softly. Soda slowly looked at his face.
"Yeah, I guess she is telling the truth. She isn't lying."he said softly. Tears welled in his eyes.
"Hey, man, I'm sorry ok? I'm sorry." said Steve.
But Soda wasn't listening. I felt a little strange. A knot started in my stomach. I slowly turned and looked at him. He was looking at me, tears about to drop. "I can't believe you didn't tell me." He suddenly looked at Steve. "You should have known! You don't start on me! My life is my business. And you've cheated dozens of times!" he said loudly. He looked at both of us angrily. I shrank back slightly, afraid for the first time of his anger.
"Soda.." I said experimentally, trying to think of something to say. But Soda had had enough. He shook his angrily at us and ran out the door and then out of sight. Me and Steve looked at each other.
"After him!" I said. "We have to go after him!"
Steve nodded and we both shot out the door after him, me locking the door and turning the open sign to closed as we raced out the door. We ran and ran, trying to figure out where he would go. Suddenly I got it. Me and Steve were running side by side. "The park!" I said to him as he got back on course with me after veering. But only slightly. We shot through the lot, passed the Curtis's and to the park. I'm a really fast runner. I'm on the track and cross-country team and everything. Steve was fast too, so we got there in about five minutes all together. We got to the grass. I slowed to a stop and leaned on my knees, gasping for breath slightly. Steve came up next to me and started to look around, breathing heavy. I stood up straight and started to look around myself. Then I saw him. He was sitting on the grass, his back to the fountain, softly crying. As frequent as Soda's crying seems, he almost never cries and most certainly, NEVER in public. But so much had happened to him with almost no time for him to get used to any of it. "Steve." I said quietly and pointed at Soda. His shoulders were starting to shake.
"Belle, I'm sorry." Steve said, almost whispering.
"I know you are."I said. and put my hand on his arm lightly. Steve was Soda's best friend and I needed to keep him as one of my friends too. Steve had a hard time with his father. A whole lot of bottled up anger and hatred. The second most dangerous of the gang. But I understood and he knew that. He loved me for it. As a sister. And I loved him as I would my own brother. He was my brother in a way. We walked over to Soda slowly. I sat down beside him. Steve sat on the other side. "I know about Ponyboy and Johnny." I said, after a couple of seconds. "I know about what they did. And I know that the police dragged Dally in and he told them they were headed for Texas and they weren't coming back." His shoulders slumped a little more. I put my hand on his shoulder, lightly. He shrugged it off. I pulled it back like I had been burned when he shrugged it off his shoulder.
"You know a lot, don't you?" he said angrily.
"Yeah, I do." I said, getting a little angry myself. "I also know Dally would never tell cops the truth about ANYTHING, especially Johnny." "I'm still probably never gonna see him again." he said bitterly
"Oh, Soda. Of course you will! He'll come back." said Steve firmly.
"If he knows what's good for him though, he'll stay away from Socs."I said.
"Yeah, you'd know all about that wouldn't you? You've been on their side before Belle. What about now, huh?" said Soda bitterly.
"Stop it! That was different and you know it! And you also know that more than 95% of the time I'm on you're side. That was one or maybe two fucking times Soda! And those situations were completly different. You should know better than to assume that I'd side with the man that put my boyfriend in a coma. We may not be together now, but we were then and you especially should know what my temper can get like. I'm on you're side and you know it! You're searching for reasons to hate me and you know you can't find them. I am NOT a Soc!" I ranted angrily, emphasizing the last statement with all the force I had. And right then it was a lot.
"I know you're not, but sometimes you can act like one hell of a Soc. And you're not a Greaser either so stop pretending you know what it's like!"Soda yelled at me. "Belle, you can't go back and forth forever. Find out who you are and stop trying to act like something you're not."he said. Then he got up and started walking away.
"Soda! Wait! I thought you, of all people, would understand! Stop!" I yelled after him. But it was no use. He just kept walking. I got up. I stared after him angrily. Of all the people in the world, I thought he'd understand. I really didn't KNOW where I belonged. I didn't KNOW who or what I was. I didn't know how to find out. "Fine, be that way!" I shouted angrily after him throught angry tears, instantly wishing I could take the words back. But Soda had made me realize something that I had only truly realized a few times before, and even then only in short moments of pure truth. I DIDN'T know who I was. I was living lie after lie trying to be things I just wasn't. I didn't know where I belonged. I didn't belong anywhere. And I felt such and emptiness at knowing it. I really didn't have anyone or anything or anywhere. I was alone. No matter how many people surrounded me, I was still all alone. All alone in my own unknowing. and I realized something else. I would never know who or what I was or where I was supposed to be until I faced my fears and stopped shoving all my feelings and real qualities deep inside where I would never have to face them.
I snapped out of my thoughts when I felt a light touch on my shoulder. I looked up. It was Steve. He was looking at me with a really worried and concerned expression on his face. I suddenly realized I was on the ground again with my back to the fountain. I must have slid down in my thoughts of hopelessness. I was taking my breath in deep gasps and my tears wouldn't stop flowing no matter how many times I brushed them away. Me, miss tough girl who never cried couldn't stop now.
"Belle? Are you ok?" Steve asked softly.
"No, Steve, I don't think I am ok this time. I....." I hesitated, wondering if I could trust him.
"What is it Belle?" He slid to the ground next to me. I decided to let my guard down. He was like my brother after all. I tried to quit crying. I couldn't. Finally, at last, they seemed to dry up and I could finally talk.
"I've loved Soda for soo long. SO long. And I know that we flirt,but I know that Soda doesn't love me back. At least, I thought he didn't. I watched him ask a girl to fucking marry him. A girl I knew for a FACT had cheated on him and still was. I watched him finally lose control. I stood up to him when no one else dared to. I loved him even those very, very few times he was a jerk. I've loved him for who he is, not what everyone wanted him to be and not only for what he looks like. And I finally, after all that time, found out he loved me back. I finally got to kiss him. I was in heaven. I heard a fucking orchestra, Steve." I laughed a little, somewhat bitterly. "And now... he won't even listen to me so I can make him understand." I sniffed. " I love him so much. And have for so long, that I don't think I can stand to have my heart broken by him. and right now it's definitly breaking."
"Belle, I knew that you liked him, but I didn't know you really did love him. I just thought you were trying to get him while he was vulnerable."
"God Steve! I could never do that to Soda." I got up. "C'mon, we gotta go back to work. Those bimbos out front are only gonna last so long without more gum replacements to snap at each other." Steve laughed. I finally smiled, pleased that I could still keep my sense of humour. "Besides, he'll have to come back sooner or later." Steve also stood.
"I guess you're right." he said. We walked quickly back to the DX. Soda wasn't there. I sighed. Steve smiled at me, reassuringly and sympathetically. " He has to come back sooner or later." he promised me. I smiled back at him slightly, willing myself to at least half believe those words. Steve went back into the garage and I went behind the counter again. Since the store was no longer closed, the bimbos came in every once in a while to restock themselves with gum and sodas. I finished my homework. Three hours and Soda still hadn't come back. I was starting to get worried. And then I started to get a tiny bit mad. Why the fuck couldn't he just understand, or at least be man enough to come back and face me.
Soda didn't show up all day. I went home, driving a little under the speed limit and not about 30-50 miles over it for the first time in my life. At that moment, I had temporarily cooled off. I started to reason with myself, logic slowly returning to my mind somewhat. 'Let him get used to this. A lot just happened in a really short amount of time. Just give him some time." I tried to reason with myself. It was useless, I knew. I never really believed me when I told me things like that. But I tried anyway. When I got home, my mom was there. I really didn't feel like her nagging just then. All she ever goes on about is getting out damn house clean. I really could car eless what it looked like. I had other things on my mind. Soda, for instance.