Disclaimer:

It's JKR's world, I just play in it

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Snape could barely stand up straight he had so exhausted himself flying. That the broom was neither his own nor of particularly good quality had made his workout more arduous, both physically and mentally. He was glad of it. He almost felt better. Not good, not well, but at least not numb anymore.

After depositing the broom back where he had found it he made his way into the castle and directly to the hospital wing. Perhaps he would be permitted to bring Gabriel home now, and if not, perhaps no one would be awake to stop him.

Hana Hooch however was the last person he expected to see sitting by his son's bed.

"Hana," he said, exhaustion finally crashing down upon him hard enough to preserve Hooch's wellbeing for a little bit longer.

She looked up from the boy and her thoughts. "Severus."

"Really terrible timing on your part Hana."

"I'm so sorry, Severus."

"What part of Sia and I have to go to a Malfoy party and I am in terror for our safety and souls did you not understand?"

"I didn't —"

"You didn't think, yes I know that. No one around here ever does."

"What happened?"

"I, I don't have the words for that yet," he said growing quiet and pinching the bridge of his nose.

Hooch nodded slowly. She knew him well enough to know this was bad.

"I'm sure one of us will tell you about it eventually."

"Are you alright?"

"In what sense?"

"You fought."

Snape shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. "After a fashion."

"We should resolve this first," Hooch said, growing more and more uncomfortable.

"And we shall," he said, seeming to enervate as he assumed his usual tone.

"I take it old habits will suffice?"

"More than."

"Severus —"

"Don't."

"You have no idea how awful I feel about this."

"I don't care."

"Please, I --"

He held a hand up. "As should be apparent to you by now this is not my only crisis and you are certainly not my only concern. Now, please, I need some time with my son."

Hooch nodded mutely, and stood. "After dinner?" she asked, as she walked past him to leave the ward.

"As ever. You may want to eat lightly."

"As ever," she replied grimly and was gone.

Snape sighed. Perhaps after he finally slept he would have enough rage to deal appropriately with that.

By the time Allosia found her way to the hospital wing after a brief and fitful sleep, Gabriel was awake and happily chatting with his father, who was lounging next to him on the bed. Allosia smiled even though she was still filled with dread and an internal ache she couldn't place.

"Good morning," she said with somewhat false cheer.

Snape just nodded at his wife, but Gabriel reached up to hug her.

"I, I should go get some rest," Snape said, swinging his legs onto the floor.

"Yes, that's probably a good idea. Did you speak to Hana?"

"It's taken care of."

Allosia made an inquiring face.

"Although, I suppose you probably have things to settle with her as well."

"Alright." Allosia made to touch his face, but he stood and dodged her hand. "Severus —"

"I need some sleep, Allosia," he replied, and she let herself think that maybe that would be all it would take to work this out. "See if you can get our prisoner released," he added, smiling back at Gabriel who was watching their exchange nervously.

"Of course."

"Am I going to be in trouble?" the boy asked, after his father had left.

"Don't you think you'd know by now if you were?"

Gabriel smiled. "Hana's in trouble though?"

"Don't let your father hear you calling her by her first name, it drives him crazy."

"Why?"

"He likes things to be formal, you know that."

"Alright, but is she in trouble?"

"She shouldn't have given in to your demands."

"It's my fault I fell though."

"How's that?"

"I kept telling Madam Hooch and the broom to go higher and faster."

"Well, she really shouldn't have listened to you, charming though you may be."

"She only listened to me a little. The broom listened to me a lot."

Allosia suppressed a smile. Uncontrolled, wandless magic was not exactly the child-rearing dilemma she felt like facing at that particular instant in time, especially as she knew the subject would inspire Severus to again push for Gabriel to begin his schooling early.

"Anyway are you ready to get out of here?"

"Can I?"

"You're feeling better aren't you?"

"Yes, but I thought stays in hospital were always long."

"Why's that?"

"Well, Poppa, says —"

"Oh, no honey. He was really sick a lot as a child. Those weren't from injuries. His lungs don't always work very well."

"Which is why he gets tired chasing me around?"

"Well, one of the reasons. We are also old," she said with a laugh.

"No you're not."

"Mmmm, wait about ten years, you'll think we're ancient."

"Not as old as the headmaster."

"Well, no, not for a long time yet."

"So can we go?"

"Yes. Get dressed. You don't want to be seen all over the school in hospital robes, do you?"

Gabriel shook his head. "How was the party?"

"Awful," Allosia answered without thinking.

"I thought parties were supposed to be fun."

"Grownup parties can be complicated. Sometimes you have to go, even when you're not happy about them."

"That's very strange."

"I think so too."

When we got back to our rooms, I watched Severus sleep for some time. It was a strange thing to have a chance to do. He rarely slept soundly, and since he needed less rest than me anyway, was rarely in bed when I wasn't. But there he was, curled more tightly than usual on his side, an arm tucked behind his knees and his head half buried by the blanket, snoring softly. I was glad he could rest. He deserved that much at least.

I didn't find out about his dealings with Hana until after they had occurred. When I went to speak to her myself, she merely skipped over the subject. On some level, this further impaired my ability to trust her, but really, what was she supposed to say? I only found out about it, because he took it a too far. I saw the tremors in her hands at breakfast; I saw my husband unable to look up from his plate. And when I asked what hexes and curses he'd used on her, he merely hissed at me and she touched my arm as if to say, this is merely how we do things. But business at usual it seemed was no longer serving anyone well.

Gabriel was acutely aware that his parents were barely talking. He asked me about it many times; he asked if it was his fault, if it was because of the accident, because of Hana. No, no, I assured him, but we all know children cannot really be reassured from those sorts of fears. And while Severus wouldn't speak to me more than he absolutely had to, he was wonderful to Gabriel, even if he was merely doing things with him as an excuse to avoid me. Although, to be honest, he seemed more at ease with being a father than he ever had before.

I was alone. The woman who had complained so bitterly about disappearing into motherhood, into being the spouse of so difficult and notorious a creature was finally shown that perhaps she had always been invisible, and had simply not known.

Our difficulties were not unnoticed, but they were also not remarked upon. No one knew what had happened, and no one ever really expected the man I loved and the man they knew to b the same person for long. We were drowning, and others merely seemed relieved that this was something they could finally understand.

My quiet wife —

I've not spoken outside of the classroom in three days. I wonder if you've noticed that I merely nod to you now. I wonder if you keep my voice with you in your mind, or if you are merely relieved not to hear it, not to be reminded, of who I was, who I am, and what we have both done.

And what we have done is made a mess of our marriage. More than anything else, this failing embarrasses me. Even my most hopeless student, my most contemptuous colleagues, I have language for, and yet, I do not for you. That strikes me, as the days go on, as more weak than cruel, although, perhaps it is a symptom of the awe I have always had for you; the nature of it is merely different now.

At this juncture, I fear that were I to speak to you, the words simply would not come out, that my throat would merely make the rough sounds of a creature running out of life. That is something I do not want you to hear, regardless of what we come to.

How long will you put up with this, I wonder. How long do I have to wait, for you to leave me. I do wish it, almost. There are only so many losing battles a man can force himself to face and I have had enough of them already.

I most desperately wish to hold you.

Striving mute and paralyzed,

Severus.

Folding a leg under him self, Snape watched the letter for an hour, as if willing the words it contained to rearrange themselves, into something more hopeful or inspiring. Relieved these would never be sent, he put it with the others, before letting himself out of his office.

Allosia was well asleep when he reached their bedroom, having checked on Gabriel and smiling at the book of French fairytales he had fallen asleep reading. He touched her hair lightly in the dark and while she barely stirred, he couldn't help but feel slightly better at this small act of will, even as he settled himself into the corner of the bed that was now solely his own.