Disclaimer:
It's JKR's world, I just play in it.
Sorry I've been putting you guys through the ringer on this. Believe me, I wish they would be less tortured too, but I just report what they tell me.
--------
It took Allosia nearly another week to finally break the silence that was permeating her life and home.
When she got in that Saturday, it was near eleven, and Gabriel was, she saw, already asleep, clutching a stuffed hippogriff that she presumed Severus had acquired for him on their outing to Hogsmeade.
Her bedroom was dark when she entered it, and it took her a moment, to see Severus sitting in a chair in the dark. She sighed and began to undress, because while she had not grown used to this behavior from him, she certainly expected it.
"You know, Severus, you're going to have to speak to me eventually, even if it's just to leave me," she heard herself say before she was even consciously aware of thinking it, as she undid the fasteners on the back of her dress.
"Sia," he said, but his voice was so hoarse he had to stop and clear his throat.
"Yes?" she responded her hands frozen on the hook between the tops of her shoulders.
"I," he began, but started again. "How could you think that?" he asked, rising.
"That you'd have to speak to me?" she inquired, anger finally rising in her voice.
"No," he said, reaching her. "That I would leave you?" he continued, taking her hands in his and bringing them down between them.
"You can't be happy like this."
"I'm not, but I don't know much about being happy. You forget," he said.
"I'm sorry," she replied, meaning her behavior at the Malfoy's.
"I know," he said sitting down on the bed and motioned for her to sit next to him.
"We need to fix this," she said.
"That much is obvious."
"Explain to me why you're angry."
"Sia –"
"I'm not saying I don't think you have cause! I'm saying you probably have a cause I haven't even thought of."
He sighed, ran a hand through his hair, and searched for a way to begin, but eventually just settled on muttering, "I didn't think you were like everyone else."
"Severus," she said softly, raising a hand to touch his arm, but refusing to do so until he nodded imperceptibly in permission.
"I, so much of my reaction about this has been about realizing you do know me, and that, that the darkness in me doesn't disgust you. And I don't want you to love me for what I have to do, and I don't want you to love me knowing, knowing that I take pleasure from many of the so-called unfortunate choices I am compelled to make. And I don't want you to be like me, but I know you are, because you always have been. I'm angry at you for proving it to me."
She slid her hand down his arm, and grabbed one of his hands. "I just love you, Severus; it is not a series of equations for me."
"Which is why you were not placed in Slytherin."
"Is it just a series of equations for you?"
"Everything is," he said, apologetically, turning to face her.
"Is this where you want to be?" she whispered.
"Yes."
She paused a long time before asking her next question. "Is this where you can afford to be?"
"What do you think?" he asked, softly.
"No," she said. The realities were impossible.
He squeezed her hand more tightly. "I came to the same conclusion," he said softly. "I'm going to stop spying."
"What?" She asked startled, this was not what she expected to hear.
"I can't very well be rid of you or our son." He touched her face.
"I –"
"I don't know how yet. But, that is my intent."
"But –"
He shrugged, not really wanting to share some of the possibilities that had occurred to him just yet.
She wrapped her arms around him, and after a moment of being startled, he returned the gesture. They sat that way for a long time, rocking back and forth, mumbling all their fears about being alone, and their useless apologies for being the people they were. Eventually he shushed her, pulling back enough to push her hair out of her face, and truly looked at her for the first time since that night at the Malfoy mansion.
He smiled then, as much as he ever did, and kissed her, to find that they were sobbing into each others mouths, and that he wasn't sure where in the conversation either of them had started crying.
"Come," he said breaking the kiss and standing.
"What?"
He motions towards their bathroom with his head. "Shower. I think we've tasted enough of each other's tears tonight. Yes?"
She nodded, silently.
"Good. And yes, I know we still have to scream at each other about all this."
"And Hana."
"And Hana?"
"I know she let you torture her."
"It wasn't –"
"Shhhh. I know it's how you two were or are, or whatever. But if you expect me to manage my distaste, you're going to have to stop keeping certain secrets. It is, among other things, disrespectful, and that is what I've always been upset about, not, not the rest of it, not really anyway."
He took a deep breath and nodded and led her into the bathroom. She was still a miracle to him, just of a different sort than he had imagined for so long.
"Lumos," his whispered, and a small globe of light flared into being above them.
"You're beautiful," she whispered, looking at his tearstained face.
He turned mostly away from her. "Don't say that."
"Why?"
"Because I cannot stand it."
She ran her fingers down his back, and he started to unbutton his robes. "But I cannot stand not to say it."
"It's not true Sia."
"Maybe not in the way you'd like it to be."
"I hate when you're foolish."
"I'm not foolish, Severus."
"Then at least be patient," he said, turning to face her again, and pulling off his robes.
She nodded. It seemed cruel, under the circumstances, to say "Always."
They made love in the shower, nearly choking on the water that streamed into their mouths.
It's JKR's world, I just play in it.
Sorry I've been putting you guys through the ringer on this. Believe me, I wish they would be less tortured too, but I just report what they tell me.
--------
It took Allosia nearly another week to finally break the silence that was permeating her life and home.
When she got in that Saturday, it was near eleven, and Gabriel was, she saw, already asleep, clutching a stuffed hippogriff that she presumed Severus had acquired for him on their outing to Hogsmeade.
Her bedroom was dark when she entered it, and it took her a moment, to see Severus sitting in a chair in the dark. She sighed and began to undress, because while she had not grown used to this behavior from him, she certainly expected it.
"You know, Severus, you're going to have to speak to me eventually, even if it's just to leave me," she heard herself say before she was even consciously aware of thinking it, as she undid the fasteners on the back of her dress.
"Sia," he said, but his voice was so hoarse he had to stop and clear his throat.
"Yes?" she responded her hands frozen on the hook between the tops of her shoulders.
"I," he began, but started again. "How could you think that?" he asked, rising.
"That you'd have to speak to me?" she inquired, anger finally rising in her voice.
"No," he said, reaching her. "That I would leave you?" he continued, taking her hands in his and bringing them down between them.
"You can't be happy like this."
"I'm not, but I don't know much about being happy. You forget," he said.
"I'm sorry," she replied, meaning her behavior at the Malfoy's.
"I know," he said sitting down on the bed and motioned for her to sit next to him.
"We need to fix this," she said.
"That much is obvious."
"Explain to me why you're angry."
"Sia –"
"I'm not saying I don't think you have cause! I'm saying you probably have a cause I haven't even thought of."
He sighed, ran a hand through his hair, and searched for a way to begin, but eventually just settled on muttering, "I didn't think you were like everyone else."
"Severus," she said softly, raising a hand to touch his arm, but refusing to do so until he nodded imperceptibly in permission.
"I, so much of my reaction about this has been about realizing you do know me, and that, that the darkness in me doesn't disgust you. And I don't want you to love me for what I have to do, and I don't want you to love me knowing, knowing that I take pleasure from many of the so-called unfortunate choices I am compelled to make. And I don't want you to be like me, but I know you are, because you always have been. I'm angry at you for proving it to me."
She slid her hand down his arm, and grabbed one of his hands. "I just love you, Severus; it is not a series of equations for me."
"Which is why you were not placed in Slytherin."
"Is it just a series of equations for you?"
"Everything is," he said, apologetically, turning to face her.
"Is this where you want to be?" she whispered.
"Yes."
She paused a long time before asking her next question. "Is this where you can afford to be?"
"What do you think?" he asked, softly.
"No," she said. The realities were impossible.
He squeezed her hand more tightly. "I came to the same conclusion," he said softly. "I'm going to stop spying."
"What?" She asked startled, this was not what she expected to hear.
"I can't very well be rid of you or our son." He touched her face.
"I –"
"I don't know how yet. But, that is my intent."
"But –"
He shrugged, not really wanting to share some of the possibilities that had occurred to him just yet.
She wrapped her arms around him, and after a moment of being startled, he returned the gesture. They sat that way for a long time, rocking back and forth, mumbling all their fears about being alone, and their useless apologies for being the people they were. Eventually he shushed her, pulling back enough to push her hair out of her face, and truly looked at her for the first time since that night at the Malfoy mansion.
He smiled then, as much as he ever did, and kissed her, to find that they were sobbing into each others mouths, and that he wasn't sure where in the conversation either of them had started crying.
"Come," he said breaking the kiss and standing.
"What?"
He motions towards their bathroom with his head. "Shower. I think we've tasted enough of each other's tears tonight. Yes?"
She nodded, silently.
"Good. And yes, I know we still have to scream at each other about all this."
"And Hana."
"And Hana?"
"I know she let you torture her."
"It wasn't –"
"Shhhh. I know it's how you two were or are, or whatever. But if you expect me to manage my distaste, you're going to have to stop keeping certain secrets. It is, among other things, disrespectful, and that is what I've always been upset about, not, not the rest of it, not really anyway."
He took a deep breath and nodded and led her into the bathroom. She was still a miracle to him, just of a different sort than he had imagined for so long.
"Lumos," his whispered, and a small globe of light flared into being above them.
"You're beautiful," she whispered, looking at his tearstained face.
He turned mostly away from her. "Don't say that."
"Why?"
"Because I cannot stand it."
She ran her fingers down his back, and he started to unbutton his robes. "But I cannot stand not to say it."
"It's not true Sia."
"Maybe not in the way you'd like it to be."
"I hate when you're foolish."
"I'm not foolish, Severus."
"Then at least be patient," he said, turning to face her again, and pulling off his robes.
She nodded. It seemed cruel, under the circumstances, to say "Always."
They made love in the shower, nearly choking on the water that streamed into their mouths.