'Just one more minute' never is enough
After a few minutes I woke up from my ecstasy, and I walked back to the chair to sit down. Involuntarily my look went back to the place Severus had been sitting. A single sob escaped my throat. "Why can't it be…" I whispered to the darkness. "Why can't it be?"
I suddenly felt something fuzzy touching my leg, and jumped up with a small scream. When I looked, I saw it was just Crookshanks. I put my hand on the place where my heart was rapidly beating beneath my flesh, and sat down again, relieved.
"You nearly gave me a heart-attack!" I whispered, picking him up and hugging him tightly. He didn't resist, like any normal cat would have done.
"But you're not a normal cat, are you?"
I smiled, realising I had never actually showed Crookshanks to Severus. My smile faded. It was just sad how I always managed to lead everything back to Severus. I tightened my grip even more, forcing my tears back. "But… I miss him so…"
Crookshank's cramping miaow made me come to the realisation I was almost squeezing him to death, and I quickly let go. He jumped onto the table, and sat down opposite me. I stared into his green eyes and saw myself reflected in them; a pretty girl of only 18 years old, and nothing odd that you could notice from the outside. How surprised would everyone be if they could see the inside…
I felt so desperate. Once again, I had the urge to go visit him again, but I knew how wrong that would be.
"Why don't you tell me what to do?" I asked Crookshanks. But he simply stared at me, not moving, and not even blinking.
You already know what to do. It was a flash of a thought, but for a moment I could have sworn it had been Crookshanks' voice. I shook my head violently. This was all driving me insane.
"I have to go, Crookshanks. There's no other way." I thought I could see the cat nodding, and quickly stood up, leaving all my books behind.
It was only then that I noticed how cold the corridors actually were at night. A chilly breeze made me shiver, and I accelerated, even though I was dreading the visit a bit. Severus wasn't going to be happy to see me… or was he? I hadn't forgot the mysterious staring yet.
There it was, his private chamber. I knocked on the door, shocked by the sudden shaking of my hands. There was no response. However, I did hear something.
"Severus?" I called, trying the door. Fortunately it was open, and I stepped into the room. Everything was dark and I could hardly see a thing. Someone was groaning, and when I lit the top of my wand, I saw it was Severus. His hands pressed against his temples and his face sour of pain, he was laying on the ground. My mouth fell open, and I quickly ran over to him, trying to pull him up.
"Severus!" I called, starting to panic. "W-what happened?"
He opened his eyes, and looked at least twice as shocked to see me as I had looked when I had seen him. "'ermione?"
Then he got hit by another stab of pain, and he groaned aloud, flinching. I couldn't face it any longer, I had to help him. But how? Then it hit me.
"I'll get you to the Hospital Wing." I tried to pull him up again, but when that wouldn't work, I ended the lumos spell, and tried to pull him up with magic. It worked, but I still needed something to put him on. I searched in the dark for something with one hand, still holding the wand, and grabbed the first thing my hands came across. It was some sort of blanket – not great, but it had to do. I stretched it, and now I only had to get Severus on it.
He was struggling against the spell, and I had the greatest trouble keeping him on his feet. It was so very sad to see, and I came to the realisation that I was only taking away more of his energy. I softly put him on the ground again, and decided to seek for another solution. Didn't he have some sort of potion? I ran over to a large case with several potions, and hastily searched for the right one. But there were no labels on the bottles, and I had no idea how a pain-easing potion looked or smelled like.
Frustrated and desperate, I sat down next to him, taking his head in my hands.
"Please, Severus," I breathed heavily. "Madame Pomfrey might be able-"
"NO!"
I was quite taken aback by the fact that the man still didn't want any help from her, but somehow it didn't surprise me. I stared at him. He needed medical help, help I couldn't give him. Why was he being so stubborn?
But I knew I couldn't make him go there if he didn't want to, and he certainly was determined not to. And so I just sat there, pained by his pain, trying to find a solution. Now and then the pain seemed to ease, but then it suddenly struck back, even worse than before, and even though he wasn't actually screaming it out, I could see from his face how he was suffering.
Then I got another idea. Impertio. The spell was supposed to take away half of the pain of one, and 'give' it to the one doing the spell. It was perfect. I took some distance, pulled out my wand again, preparing myself for the spell. It was a tough one, and especially when it had to bring over such incredible pains. It certainly wouldn't be easy, but I had to do it. For Severus.
"Impertio!" I whispered. A blue strain was built between me and Severus, and the spell immediately took effect. My head was suddenly pounding unceasingly, and I let myself fall on the ground, grabbing for my head. It was unbearable, like someone was literally jumping on my head. I didn't know what I had expected, but this was much, much worse. I cried it out, rolled over the floor, and constantly hit chairs, walls, desks, and other things.
I searched for my wand, wanting to end this damned spell, but then reminded myself what I was doing this for. Severus had felt a pain twice as terrible, so how much of a relief did it have to be for him now he had to bear only half?
Wait—did I hear something calling me? Yes, it was Severus' voice. But why was he calling me? I honestly didn't know, and remained on the floor.
"Hermione!" It was a lot clearer this time, and the voice forced me to open my eyes. So it had been Severus… He was already looking so much better than a few more moments ago.
"Hermione, STOP IT!" He shook my shoulders, and I wondered why he was doing that. The pain was making my mind so hazy… But look, he was touching me now… I smiled.
Then it stopped. The blue strain vanished. The pain disappeared. Severus fell back on the ground, once again grabbing for his head, but my wand was still in his hands. Why had he ended the spell? I crawled over to him, and forced him to look at me.
"Why?" I asked. "Why won't you let me take over some of your pain? Why won't you let Madame Pomfrey research you? Why won't you let anyone help you?"
He suddenly looked very angry, and grabbed my hand with a power I hadn't expected.
"Why won't you just let go of me?"
I knew he was trying to let that sound bitter, but the pain made even his voice quaver a bit. My heart cracked, and I really felt like crying. Didn't he understand?
"Because I love you!" I paused, catching my breath. "It's so simple, and yet you manage to make it so very difficult! Why, Severus? Once again, I ask you; Why?!"
"Now listen!" His grip tightened, and he pulled himself up a bit, bringing his face only a few inches away from mine, although I could see from his expression that that was not for he was going to kiss me; his face had hardened even more. "You don't know what you're doing. You don't know what I have done. You. Don't. Know. A. Thing."
Tears prickled in my eyes. Who would have thought that anyone would tell Hermione Granger, probably one of the most intelligent creatures on earth, that she didn't know a thing?
"I have studied…" I started, but got interrupted.
"You know I don't mean that," he snorted.
But I didn't. For the first time in my life I felt really dumb. I didn't know what he meant, I didn't know what he was doing, and I didn't know what I had to do, or had to say. I backed away, suddenly feeling very ashamed. There I sat, and stared.
"Now," he broke the silence. "Go back to your dormitory, and begin minding your own business for once, for your own sake."
I stood up, still gazing at him. My mind was still very hazy, but I wasn't going to leave. Not now. Not ever.
"Teach me." I whispered.
*~*~*
"What?" Severus tried to hide his surprise, but failed. His head was still aching, but fortunately it had eased a bit now.
"You say I don't know a thing, so I want you to teach me everything I don't know!" Just a few seconds ago she had been so broken, but now her eyes were all of sudden shooting fire. Severus was fascinated by her determination, and it took him a couple of seconds before he realised what she had said.
"Teach you?" He knew he was sounding stupid, but then, how had she expected him to react on such a stupid comment?
"Yes, if those… 'things' are a part of you, I want to know them. And I want to know them right now, whatever they might be."
He almost let out a laugh, but realised that if he even smiled, his cheeks would crack.
"Don't be silly, the things I'm talking about are things you don't want to know. The answer is no." He thought that would do, but unfortunately, it wouldn't. Hermione stared at him, and suddenly a smile crossed her lips. A strange feeling rushed over Severus. He didn't like that smile at all.
"Where did you hide your pensieve again?"
Severus' heart missed a few beats. So he had been right about that smile! If she got her hands on that pensieve, then she would be able to see everything he had put away, everything he'd rather not think about…
He stood up, too quickly, and lost his balance again.
Hermione now walked to his desk, and Severus stretched out his hand for her, but she was too far away. Not the desk…
"Miss Granger, I warn you!" he shouted. "You know looking into someone else's pensieve is punishable, so don't you dare…" he stopped, because he saw she wasn't listening anyway; she had opened the drawer of his desk, and he knew the pensieve was there.
"Miss Granger," he tried again, and she did look up now.
"Trying to intimidate is not always a solution, you know." she stated, and with that, she put her hand in the smoke-like liquid. Severus tried his very best to raise himself on his feet, but the ache in his head had cost him too much power, and he collapsed, his head hitting the table. Even before he fell on the ground he was unconscious.
*~*~*
I had expected to see a dark place with Death Eaters in a circle, as Harry had described a few years back, but instead, I stood in a bright room, with fresh, yellow walls and the scent of detergent. Anyhow, the 2 hooded figures made the room even creepier than a dark, abandoned place. A young boy around the age of 7 was sleeping peacefully in his bed, unaware of danger that was approaching him.
"We always get the little ones," I heard one of the Death Eaters complain while he walked to the bed, and pulled the blanket away from the boy. "Just because we're younger, doesn't mean we can't have fun with the women." He now pulled the boy out of his bed, who drowsily muttered something, before he was thrown against the wall. He started to cry, and I ran to him, wanting to consol him, tell him everything would be okay, and that he was just inside a pensieve, but when I reached for his arm, my hand went straight through his body, and I realised that he was just a part of the memory. Frustrated that I had let me fooled so easily, I stood back against the wall, and decided to just watch.
The child was now trying to get away, and the one who had spoken before pulled out his wand, and with a wave of it the boy slammed into the wall again.
"Well, Severus, what are you waiting for?" he asked impatiently, and I realised with a shock that the other Death Eater was indeed Severus.
He had his wand already stretched out, and suddenly I felt like the room was all quiet – and although it was merely a hiss, the curse sounded like a whip crack.
"Crucio."
Immediately the boy started screaming and he cried even louder; he waved his arms and kicked his legs in a attempt to ease the pain, but naturally it didn't help. I swallowed, once again feeling the urge to run to the boy, or tell Severus to stop. All useless actions, and so I remained standing there, not even turning away my face.
So if this was what Severus had meant – I could live with that. I already knew he had been a Death Eater, and this was all part of it. It was horrible, yes, and I had not expected it to be so painful, but it was all part of something I already knew. So if this was all…
I suddenly noticed the boy was no longer screaming. Dark bruises had covered his face, arms and legs, but he was no longer crying, and the only thing that was keeping him moving was the curse.
The other Death Eater noticed it too, and started to walk out of the room. When Severus still didn't end the curse, he looked back, and slapped Severus' shoulder.
"He's dead, mate, let's go watch the others."
Severus continued his curse a few more seconds, but then gave in. He stared at the lifeless body, turned around, and then left the room.
The scene got replaced by another, a dark one this time. The happenings, however, were almost the same. This time Severus tortured a young woman.
And I got to see more scenes with Severus as a Death Eater, where he tortured, manipulated and killed, all just as horrible. I wondered when it would stop, when the pensieve would simply ran out of memories. But it didn't.
Slowly, I got used to the blood, to the horrible smell, to the awful screaming and the crying of the victims. To the pleas, the green flashes of light, and the dark bruises on their bodies. I didn't know how many scenes I had been watching, but there must've been more than hundred.
I saw Severus growing up, becoming stronger, but strange enough not becoming more certain. It seemed like he was becoming more insecure. It took him a few seconds before he could get himself to draw his wand, say the curse, and do the job. He didn't laugh along with the other Death Eaters; he always remained silent. And so, I had no longer eye for the victims, but only for Severus.
Then another scene appeared. Immediately I felt something was different about this one. Severus wasn't wearing his mask and wasn't hooded, and for the very first time I could see his face. Also he was younger than in the last scene, not much older than I was, like the pensieve had sorted all the memories by date, but had forgotten this one.
Severus stood in the room, a dark room, his face only lit by the moonlight falling through the window. He was looking extremely tensed, like I had never seen him be before. He paced around through the room, now and then looking up at the door. Finally, the door went open, and a girl his age walked into the room. Severus literally jumped up, and walked to her. She smiled a pretty smile, and kissed him. I felt something rushing over me – jealousy? – and took a step forward.
Severus pulled back, and looked at her with something as pity in his eyes. Then he hugged her tightly, and stepped back. The girl, confused, took a step forward.
"What's wrong, Severus?" she asked worriedly.
Severus didn't answer, now having a deadly serious look on his face, and only pulled his wand. He pointed it at her, but remained standing there. "I'm sorry…" he mumbled, and before the girl could realise what he was doing, Severus had already muttered the curse. The familiar flash of green light filled the room, and when it was gone, the girl was laying lifelessly on the ground. Severus stared at her, and I thought he was going to kneel down beside her. But instead, he looked away, and stepped over her dead body out of the room. The room disappeared, and I got to see the first memory, with the little boy again.
It took me a couple of seconds before realising I had seen this one before, and that I needed to get out of the pensieve. Getting out of the pensieve was just like waking up from a dream; when you realise that what you're seeing is not real, that they are just things your mind is making up, you'll be able to move your real body again, which means open up your eyes, or in my case, pull my fingers out of the grey liquid.
For a moment I didn't know where I was, but then I saw the desk, and the pensieve, and looked around to see Severus laying on the ground, some blood pouring out of his head. Not being able to move, I stared. I just stared.
*~*~*
A/N: I hope it wasn't too weird. Now look what I did! Don't you feel sorry for both Severus and Hermione? Lol, I first thought Crookshanks was a 'she'… I'm glad I took the time to look that up. Anyway, the friend and the daughter are finally leaving (I don't mean to be rude, the daughter really is a sweet kid…), but now a friend of mine is staying for 2 days. If you're lucky, I'll be able to get her to sleep in some other room (she screams in her sleep… waking me up very early in the morning), so I'll be able to write at nights. But I can't make any promises, she's one of the very few friends I have :P