And so we arrive, munificently, at what could only be called the dreaded Chapter Two…

FINAL FANTASY IX - AN INTERPRETATION

Chap. 2

The Love Airboat cruised silently through viridian skies, headed towards ALEXANDRIA, the White Trash City. Ahead of them, they could see the great spire of ALEXANDRIA'S DILDO lifting boldly into the sky, shooting directly out from the castle (sometimes called 'The Pubes.') Tantalus was set to give a stunning performance called 'I Want To Be Your Canary,' a tragic story about a young man with a fetish for birds and a young woman with a fetish for young men who had fetishes for birds.

The Tantalus members all gathered for a meeting, all except Zidane, who slid down a ladder and entered a dark room. As he entered the dark room, a very strange feeling overtook him. Zidane began to get the feeling that some MYSTERIOUS POWER was controlling him. He began to feel as if his movements, actions, and choices were all at the mercy of some HIGHER FORCE. He also began to feel CONSTIPATED, but historians believe this to be irrelevant. The MYSTERIOUS POWER compelled him to walk forward and light a 60's retro lava lamp, and immediately he heard a voice from the door.

"Like, who the !@#$% is that?"

Zidane started to answer, but was suddenly assailed by doubts as to his own identity. He waited passively while the MYSTERIOUS POWER* decided whether or not to keep his name, and was finally relieved when he was allowed to.

*Nota Bona - There will be no more references to the MYSTERIOUS POWER, but it's safe to assume it's out there. Trust me, it's there.

"It's ZIDANE, you !@#$%!"

Having verified that Zidane really was Zidane, the other Tantali members came out the door to join them. About to engage in light talk and a little frottage, the quartet was suddenly interrupted by the appearance of Baku, who had been dancing to Dire Straits in nothing but a dragon mask and had mistakenly busted through a wall.

Not one to be daunted, however, Baku promptly raised his three-foot long vibrator and attacked.

The resulting battle was full of courage, defiance, hatred, fear, sorrow, love, anger, distrust, friendship, and in fact most of the known human emotions. Let it suffice to say that by its climax, Zidane was lying spreadeagled across a hemp-woven rug, Marcus had on strawberry-flavored panties, Cinna had painted HAMMER LOVE 4EVER on his forehead, and Blank had walked into the CD Player and now the EASY LISTENING MUZAK was blaring across the ship. As for Baku, well, we'll leave that to your imagination.

Once recovery potions and joints had been administered to all, Baku donned a form-fitting leotard and led them all into the room.

He leaned against a wall, and blinked several times. "Arighty, lez get dis funky shiznitz started!"

Marcus cheered. "Hells yeah, sucker! Be a bitch an' pass the bowl this way, Cinna mah man!" Cinna obligingly passed the shake, shwag, and roaches, and Blank promptly walked into a wall and knocked himself out.

"Dude," inquired Zidane, "is he blind?"

Baku took a hit and promptly sneezed, because he was allergic to the reefer. He took another hit and sneezed again.

"Man, I wonder why I'm sneezing' all the time…" he ruminated with sagacity, but soon his thoughts returned to the briefing. "Arigh', you pretty-in-pink punks, you! We're gonna kidnap the finest bod and the tightest little," he coughed,"…ahem, we're gonna kidnap Princess and Sweetass Garnet!"

There were many gasps and sharp intakes of breath. Nearly everybody had a comment.

Marcus: "Damn, this is some good peyote. You pick this up in Dali?"

Cinna: "Does this makeup make me look fat?"
Blank: "When did we put a wall here?"

Only Zidane was silent, although whether it was from deep introspection or just being really friggin' high, this historian is unaware.

Baku sneezed, took a hit, sneezed. "So, like, here's the plan. We're gonna bust in and do that one strip show they always love, 'I Want To Be Your (sex) Canary.' While they're all applaudin' an' getting' their freak on, Zidane an' Blank'll sneak in an' grab that seriously sweet ass. Any questions?"

Marcus: "Damn, this is some good peyote. You pick this up in Dali?"

Cinna: "Does this makeup make me look fat?"

Blank: "When did we put a wall here?"

Zidane had the distinct impression that if he asked 'So, we're going to kidnap Queen Brahne, right?' 50 times, Ruby would bust in and beat the crap out of him.

"So, we're going to kidnap Queen Brahne?" he asked, fifty times. Ruby came in and beat the crap out of him. This sense of precognition was deeply distressing, so he decided to put his Strategy Guide away.

***MEANWHILE, IN ALEXANDRIA, THE WHITE TRASH CITY***

Everywhere there was wonder, excitement, and rampant horniness. The popular adult group TANTALUS was coming to down, and that meant cheap beer and orgies for everyone, at least everyone who wasn't home making Ilia a dress. Making Ilia a dress seemed to be a major pastime in the city, people would spend literally days of game-time doing it. More on Ilia later.

One little figure was walking down the street. All that was visible from the top-view was his big pointy hat with "KICK ME" imprinted on the back of him. As he walked, a small boy ran by, paused, and kicked him hard in the stomach. The figure doubled over and fell, and the boy ran off. The figure slowly drew himself to his feet, and straightened his hat for the nine hundredth time.

"Why does everyone keep doing that…why does nobody like me…?" the young figure lamented. Upon closer inspection, he was revealed to be a small boy who was sadly born without a body, and whose clothes were held up by a mysterious Deus Ex Machina that also enabled the boy to speak without vocal chords, hear without ears, and piss in the wind without any of the proper equipment. The young boy's name was VIVI.

Vivi was a member of the radical group called the BLACK MAGES, not unlike our very own Black Panthers. They advocated equal rights for Black Mages, held frequent, shadowy conventions, and were prone to torching the bejeezus out of anyone who didn't agree with them, i.e. everyone. Their catchphrase was KILL! (the white man.) They were a steadily expanding group in the Alexandrian area, and required an entrance fee of 50 gil to become a member.

But Vivi was here to have fun. He was here to see the show. Despite the fact that his TICKET was really the receipt he'd gotten for a pack of Bazooka Joe, he was determined to try his best to gain admittance. However, before he headed towards the ticket booth, he felt himself strangely inclined to search the city, and was delighted to find that the wonderful, welcoming people of Alexandria had apparently left him various caches of potions, hits of LSD, Barry Manilow CDs, and CARDS.

(Nueta Bonissimo: CARDS were a widespread phenomenon in the world of Gaia, and were played in the following memorable manner. Two players would sit across from each other at a table. The first one would put down a card, and take a shot of Jim Bean. The second would do the same, ad infinitum. The first one to pass out lost, and the winner got to keep all the CARDS, plus whatever Jim Bean remained. Big Cheese of Lindblum CID was said to be quite the CARDS player, although it was rumored that he cheated.)

After Vivi had robbed the city blind, he trundled merrily down towards the ticket booth, pausing only to get the crap beaten out of him five or six times. When he arrived at the booth, he shuffled his feet, fixed his hat, and turned big yellow eyes on the tickemaster, who looked suspiciously like Ronald Reagen.

His story was about to begin…

THUS ENDS CHAPTER THE SECOND. STAY TUNED FOR MORE PULSE-POUNDING ACTION.