(Author's Note: Although I appear to be writing this out of my own sadistic
tendencies, I really DO want to hear what you think. Mostly I want to hear
how much you think I suck. So review it and don't pull any punches.)
MY GOD! CHRIS JERICHO HAS CLIMBED BACK INTO THE WRING WITH THE REFEREE ON HIS BACK! HE'S FEEDING HIM PISTACHIO ICE CREAM AN-
Without further ado, Chapter 3.
Final Fantasy IX - An Interpretation. Chapter 3.
The ticketmaster (? or Ronald Reagen) took a close look at the ticket. It certainly appeared to be a very ordinary Bazooka Joe receipt, but something was wrong. The ticketmaster (? or Ronald Reagen) was an old pro at these things, and he could smell a rat from a mile away. He adjusted his suspenders and glared down at Vivi.
"License?" Vivi dug out his ID, showing him as fifty-five, female, and not qualified to drive without corrective lenses. "Registration?" He procured his certified Mages R Us card, which gave him full license to bitch, moan, and not get any useful spells until disc 2. "Insurance?" Vivi was insured for five years or five thousand falls.
Suddenly the ticketmaster hit upon it. He directed Vivi to stand against the side of the booth, where a line was done out in ink about five feet up. Next to it were inscribed the words, "YOU MUST BE YEA HIGH TO SEE BAKU NAKED." Vivi was a good six inches short, high-heels and all. The ticketmaster belched smugly and shouted "NO ADMITTANCE" in his face. Vivi shrieked, fell down, got up, got kicked, fell down again, got up. When he had recovered enough, he screamed.
"NOOOOO!"
"What's the matter?" asked a passing lunatic, "is the champagne not Korbel?" He sniggered quietly to himself before falling through a hole into the deepest pits of hell, because this author does not like people who still think that goddamn line is funny.
"By the way," added the ticketmaster, "when ALLEYWAY JACK sees you, he's gonna kick your scrawny little butt." He then shut the window and exited our lives forever.
Since it was either wander around or go home and masturbate, Vivi decided to wander around and compound some desolation. First he jumped rope with some little girls, but as they gave him cards instead of sex as reward he soon tired of that. He wandered into an alley. A man with four arms and a propeller beanie walked towards him, and Vivi stopped him.
"Um..." he said, "Are you ALLEYWAY JACK?"
"Yeah," said ALLEYWAY JACK, and kicked his scrawny little butt. Then he showed him how to play cards, stole 1000 gil from him, dropped a CHIMERA ARMLET, told him his treasure hunter rank, and departed. Vivi, unconscious, absorbed all of it not well at all.
When he had recovered and done the obligatory straightening of his hat, a little rat carrying a ladder ran into him. When he had recovered and done the obligatory straightening of his hat, he got a closer look at his assailant. The little rat was wearing little bell-bottoms, a red beret, and a pair of false-mustache glasses. He waved.
"Hi," he stated, "I'm not the prince of Burmecia."
Vivi looked confused. "Who said you wer-.."
The rat got angry. "I'm NOT the prince of Burmecia! I'm not! You bastard, why're you always accusing me?"
"But I-.."
"So," said the rat, in what was presumably the only tone he ever used, "Would you like to be my slave?"
"OH GOD YE-...I mean, uh...yeah, sure," replied Vivi, with perhaps just a bit too much enthusiasm.
"Good," said the rat, "let's get started. Go stand over there and do a little dance if you see anyone coming."
"Aright," agreed Vivi. He toddled over to the end of the alley and kept a sharp lookout.
"See anyone coming?"
Vivi squinted his eyes, making him look like an Oriental black mage. He saw eight cats in "PARTY NAKED" t-shirts doing the conga, O.J. Simpson (looking for the real killer, undoubtedly) and a group of six hundred people making Ilia a dress.
"All clear."
"All right!" Puck proceeded to steal Dante the Signmaker's LADDER and WHISKEY FLASK. A couple of healthy swigs had him whistling the National Lullaby of Burmecia, and he proceeded to impossibly tuck the ladder under his arm and dash off for THE BELLTOWER. Vivi toddled after, and upon arrival, found himself confronted with the oddest of creatures.
The creature was roughly two feet tall, and covered in white fur, which was stained with hemp-water. It wore dark, circular sunglasses, and had two small wings with flowers tattooed on them. It bobbed its head amiably as Vivi entered.
"Kupo, man...frickin' KUPO."
Vivi blinked. The rat stepped up to perform introductions.
"This is Kupo, a moogle for MOGNET, Alexandria Division. MOGNET, as you probably know, is the principal drug cartel in the whole friggin' world."
"Yeah, man...but we're jonesin' big time, man...jonesin' big time. Our big daddy ARTEMICION's all f---ed up an' now nobody's gettin' their happy pills, you dig?" Kupo nodded and nodded, seemingly in some sort of hypnotic trance.
"Er...yeah." Vivi didn't see at all, but it seemed safer to just nod and smile. Unfortunately, he couldn't smile, so he just nodded.
Kupo shuffled, inhaled deeply, and continued. "So, like...we need you to come through...big time. You gotta come through like a bitch, kupo. You're gonna have to be the supplier, at least until ARTEMICION gets his bon-bon outta his ass and gets things in gear. You dig?"
Vivi was having a hard time keeping up with Kupo's atonal drag, punctuated by many sharp intakes of breath, mutterings, and frequent allusions to "The Happy Clown." When he thought he'd got it, he nodded.
"Aright, coo, man...I got some rufies I want you to split to Monty, you dig?"
"Fo sheeza," pronounced Vivi solemnly, accepting the stuff. As he was turning to follow the rat up the ladder, another of the MOOGLES walked in, this one wearing a sharp black suit and carrying a briefcase. Kupo greeted him monochromatically.
"Yo, Stiltzkin, have any hash?"
"No," answered STILTZKIN. "But I've got a big journey ahead of me. Whole bunch of notices to put out...I'm so happy..."
"This," explained Kupo, "is Stiltzkin, the Repo Moogle. He busts around the world evicting this moogle and that moogle and does some seriously uncool things, man. A real buzz-kill, man. Yeah..."
Stiltzkin took a bow and wandered off, and Vivi was left to clamber up the ladder and make his way across the memorable ALEXANDRIAN ROOFTOPS. It was here that Vivi's status as a slave came into play, because to cross each gap between houses the rat forced Vivi to fling himself across and let the rat walk over. When Vivi enquired as to why this was necessary, considering the gaps were all two feet across and easily jumpable, the rat explained matters in the following memorable manner:
Slaves are meant to be walked on, and you're one. Power-trips are very important to not-princes of Burmecia like me. Lick my testicles, you craven, gutless coward. I like lollipops.
Having clarified matters considerably, the duo proceeded to cross the rooftops with commendable grace, dignity, and aplomb. The only task remaining was to make their way over the castle wall and into the performance. This was accomplished with the rat smacking Vivi across the back as hard as he could with the ladder, sending him flying over the half- foot gap and down into the castle commons. The rat proceeded to ditch the ladder and step over himself.
The performance was about to begin....
It's over. It's all over. There's nothing less, at least until I scrounge up some energy and write the next chapter. In the meanwhile, yeah, go ahead and review it. I'm interested to see if anyone's following me here or if I really am just a deranged, sick lunatic.
MY GOD! CHRIS JERICHO HAS CLIMBED BACK INTO THE WRING WITH THE REFEREE ON HIS BACK! HE'S FEEDING HIM PISTACHIO ICE CREAM AN-
Without further ado, Chapter 3.
Final Fantasy IX - An Interpretation. Chapter 3.
The ticketmaster (? or Ronald Reagen) took a close look at the ticket. It certainly appeared to be a very ordinary Bazooka Joe receipt, but something was wrong. The ticketmaster (? or Ronald Reagen) was an old pro at these things, and he could smell a rat from a mile away. He adjusted his suspenders and glared down at Vivi.
"License?" Vivi dug out his ID, showing him as fifty-five, female, and not qualified to drive without corrective lenses. "Registration?" He procured his certified Mages R Us card, which gave him full license to bitch, moan, and not get any useful spells until disc 2. "Insurance?" Vivi was insured for five years or five thousand falls.
Suddenly the ticketmaster hit upon it. He directed Vivi to stand against the side of the booth, where a line was done out in ink about five feet up. Next to it were inscribed the words, "YOU MUST BE YEA HIGH TO SEE BAKU NAKED." Vivi was a good six inches short, high-heels and all. The ticketmaster belched smugly and shouted "NO ADMITTANCE" in his face. Vivi shrieked, fell down, got up, got kicked, fell down again, got up. When he had recovered enough, he screamed.
"NOOOOO!"
"What's the matter?" asked a passing lunatic, "is the champagne not Korbel?" He sniggered quietly to himself before falling through a hole into the deepest pits of hell, because this author does not like people who still think that goddamn line is funny.
"By the way," added the ticketmaster, "when ALLEYWAY JACK sees you, he's gonna kick your scrawny little butt." He then shut the window and exited our lives forever.
Since it was either wander around or go home and masturbate, Vivi decided to wander around and compound some desolation. First he jumped rope with some little girls, but as they gave him cards instead of sex as reward he soon tired of that. He wandered into an alley. A man with four arms and a propeller beanie walked towards him, and Vivi stopped him.
"Um..." he said, "Are you ALLEYWAY JACK?"
"Yeah," said ALLEYWAY JACK, and kicked his scrawny little butt. Then he showed him how to play cards, stole 1000 gil from him, dropped a CHIMERA ARMLET, told him his treasure hunter rank, and departed. Vivi, unconscious, absorbed all of it not well at all.
When he had recovered and done the obligatory straightening of his hat, a little rat carrying a ladder ran into him. When he had recovered and done the obligatory straightening of his hat, he got a closer look at his assailant. The little rat was wearing little bell-bottoms, a red beret, and a pair of false-mustache glasses. He waved.
"Hi," he stated, "I'm not the prince of Burmecia."
Vivi looked confused. "Who said you wer-.."
The rat got angry. "I'm NOT the prince of Burmecia! I'm not! You bastard, why're you always accusing me?"
"But I-.."
"So," said the rat, in what was presumably the only tone he ever used, "Would you like to be my slave?"
"OH GOD YE-...I mean, uh...yeah, sure," replied Vivi, with perhaps just a bit too much enthusiasm.
"Good," said the rat, "let's get started. Go stand over there and do a little dance if you see anyone coming."
"Aright," agreed Vivi. He toddled over to the end of the alley and kept a sharp lookout.
"See anyone coming?"
Vivi squinted his eyes, making him look like an Oriental black mage. He saw eight cats in "PARTY NAKED" t-shirts doing the conga, O.J. Simpson (looking for the real killer, undoubtedly) and a group of six hundred people making Ilia a dress.
"All clear."
"All right!" Puck proceeded to steal Dante the Signmaker's LADDER and WHISKEY FLASK. A couple of healthy swigs had him whistling the National Lullaby of Burmecia, and he proceeded to impossibly tuck the ladder under his arm and dash off for THE BELLTOWER. Vivi toddled after, and upon arrival, found himself confronted with the oddest of creatures.
The creature was roughly two feet tall, and covered in white fur, which was stained with hemp-water. It wore dark, circular sunglasses, and had two small wings with flowers tattooed on them. It bobbed its head amiably as Vivi entered.
"Kupo, man...frickin' KUPO."
Vivi blinked. The rat stepped up to perform introductions.
"This is Kupo, a moogle for MOGNET, Alexandria Division. MOGNET, as you probably know, is the principal drug cartel in the whole friggin' world."
"Yeah, man...but we're jonesin' big time, man...jonesin' big time. Our big daddy ARTEMICION's all f---ed up an' now nobody's gettin' their happy pills, you dig?" Kupo nodded and nodded, seemingly in some sort of hypnotic trance.
"Er...yeah." Vivi didn't see at all, but it seemed safer to just nod and smile. Unfortunately, he couldn't smile, so he just nodded.
Kupo shuffled, inhaled deeply, and continued. "So, like...we need you to come through...big time. You gotta come through like a bitch, kupo. You're gonna have to be the supplier, at least until ARTEMICION gets his bon-bon outta his ass and gets things in gear. You dig?"
Vivi was having a hard time keeping up with Kupo's atonal drag, punctuated by many sharp intakes of breath, mutterings, and frequent allusions to "The Happy Clown." When he thought he'd got it, he nodded.
"Aright, coo, man...I got some rufies I want you to split to Monty, you dig?"
"Fo sheeza," pronounced Vivi solemnly, accepting the stuff. As he was turning to follow the rat up the ladder, another of the MOOGLES walked in, this one wearing a sharp black suit and carrying a briefcase. Kupo greeted him monochromatically.
"Yo, Stiltzkin, have any hash?"
"No," answered STILTZKIN. "But I've got a big journey ahead of me. Whole bunch of notices to put out...I'm so happy..."
"This," explained Kupo, "is Stiltzkin, the Repo Moogle. He busts around the world evicting this moogle and that moogle and does some seriously uncool things, man. A real buzz-kill, man. Yeah..."
Stiltzkin took a bow and wandered off, and Vivi was left to clamber up the ladder and make his way across the memorable ALEXANDRIAN ROOFTOPS. It was here that Vivi's status as a slave came into play, because to cross each gap between houses the rat forced Vivi to fling himself across and let the rat walk over. When Vivi enquired as to why this was necessary, considering the gaps were all two feet across and easily jumpable, the rat explained matters in the following memorable manner:
Slaves are meant to be walked on, and you're one. Power-trips are very important to not-princes of Burmecia like me. Lick my testicles, you craven, gutless coward. I like lollipops.
Having clarified matters considerably, the duo proceeded to cross the rooftops with commendable grace, dignity, and aplomb. The only task remaining was to make their way over the castle wall and into the performance. This was accomplished with the rat smacking Vivi across the back as hard as he could with the ladder, sending him flying over the half- foot gap and down into the castle commons. The rat proceeded to ditch the ladder and step over himself.
The performance was about to begin....
It's over. It's all over. There's nothing less, at least until I scrounge up some energy and write the next chapter. In the meanwhile, yeah, go ahead and review it. I'm interested to see if anyone's following me here or if I really am just a deranged, sick lunatic.