Disclaimer: I do not own them
I do not claim to
If you don't read this
And try to sue
All you'd get is lint
And a pack of gum
A pair of shoes
And a worn out drum
A couple empty bottles
I hope you understand
So without adu I give to you:
This Strange and Stupid Land
*bows*
A/N: A/N is boring...how about: Note About This? NAT. I like it.
*crosses out A/N*
NAT: The poem above is the result of too much soda at 2:00am. Please forgive my insanity.
The story below is hopefully different than most LIOW FFs. (Legolas In Our World FanFics (Say: L I O F F (uppercase vowel means it's long)))
I tried to make it different, really! I tried hard!
Anyway, it's some angst that's sorted out in the end. *bleeps out spoiler* a little bit of humor to lighten the story, and other stuff thrown in to keep you hanging.
It's my first LOtR fic, and it's probably going to bore you, no matter how much I hope it won't. (Oh, I HOPE it won't!)
It's not extremely long, and it was meant that way, as I am working on many other things right now. It skips ahead in time a LOT, sometimes telling you how much it skips as it skips, sometimes it's hidden in the scene. I also meant this. I wanted to make sure everyone way paying attention. *is pelted with tomatoes for daring to suggest that the readers think*
Everything is Copyrighted, blahblahblah, ask my permission before use of characters that obviously aren't Tolkien's, if it's not mine then it's someone elses.
Four more notes:
1. I KNOW Elves aren't supposed to get sick. I give my reasons through the characters.
2. The Rare Purple Elven stars do not exist. My own imagination hard at work.
3. Legan is pronounced: L A g i n (see note on vowels above) and Celeb is like the traditional Caleb. I think you can figure out Hope and Violet. Ari is: R E squished together. And yes, it's short for Ariel.
4. 'Breaking rocks' is an originally Australian term meaning to bounce and blow right over the rocks and tree stumps for a rough but highly scored ride, opposed to skidding around them. As a rider myself, I LOVE to break rocks. Hard on the tires, but an awesome, mind-blowing (and tire blowing) way to ride a downhill.
Last but NOT least:
I was kinda uncomfortable with some scenes, and almost wrote them over. Then, I reevaluated from another POV, and decided I like them after all. Some of you may complain that that is not how Legolas would actually act, but, I ask you, 'How would he act?'. To avoid spoilers, I'm going to omit specific titles, but I was trying to think like an Elf. Elves are very emotional, and can, (and have) died of grief before. Elves and Broken hearts are a deadly combination. And, I wasn't trying to think like the silent Legolas in the movie, for the movie doesn't exist in this fanfic. (that's why no one recongizes him! problem solved!) I was trying to think like Tolkien's Legolas, who was a lot more interesting if you ask me, and I also had to throw him into some entirely new positions, which, believe me, wasn't easy.
So, now, I'll stop ranting, since most of you probably DIDN'T EVEN READ THIS! (that was to catch the eye of the people who tried to skip the NAT!) and let you read the story!
The Land I Call My Home
Part 1: This Strange and Stupid Land
Sebastian Lapham pulled his thick-barred bike up the hill, to a starting block, and two waiting, grinning men.
"How was it?" He asked, as one of the men, a red-head, looked at a stopwatch.
"5.7 seconds." He announced to Sebastian. Sebastian sighed.
"I need to get it under five. I'll go again" The red-head, who's name was Jon O'Malley, nodded in agreement.
"I agree. You need to go much faster than that." The third man nodded, his tow-haired head bobbing up and down. The third one was shorter than Sebastian and Jon, but the same age. All three of them were in their late teens, early twenties. Sebastian was 20, Jon was 21, and the third one was 19.
"Nate, before I go another run, will you pump my tires?" Sebastian asked. The third nodded again.
"Sure, Seb." He grabbed a nearby pump, and started readying the bike for another downhill course run. Nate Lapham was Sebastian's younger brother, yet with his small frame and light body, he could outrun anyone on the downhill course, and everybody knew it. Nate and Sebastian were a downhill team to be feared.
Sebastian tugged at his long, white sleeves, underneath a dark gray t-shirt that had 'Lapham Downhill Devils' printed on the back. He was beginning to sweat, despite the cool spring tempature, and his long, baggy shorts felt rather uncomfortable. He ran a hand through his near-white hair, which was the cut in the same short, almost shaggy, style Nate's hair was.
Jon stood over the edge of the hill, looking down at the course, and fiddling absently with his stopwatch.
"You guys have any plans for tonight?" He asked suddenly, turning. Nate laughed, while Sebastian grinned.
"Do we ever?" Sebastian asked sarcastically.
"Girls, then?" Jon asked, brightening.
"Mal and Suzy Q gave us an invite." Nate announced, from under the bike.
"Didn't I say just the tires?" Sebastian interupted. Nate ignored him, and went on.
"A bunch of people are meeting at Mal's to watch The Bourne Identity." Nate slid out from under the bike, and wheeled it back to Sebastian. "Shred it, bro."
Sebastian hopped back on the bike, and glided over to the starting block.
"Ready, set, go!" Jon yelled, throwing one arm in the direction of the path, while clicking the stopwatch with the other. Sebastian was off like a flash.
He bounced and skidding down the trail, 'breaking rocks' and popping fallen logs on the way. Near the end, he spotted a tall figure standing the in middle of the trail.
"Watch out!" He yelled, slamming on the brakes. He skidded to a stop, inches from the person, and was met with an arrow-tip, dangerously close to his forehead.
"Friend or foe?" The person demanded, while Sebastian did a quick once-over of the man, leaping off the bike and backing away.
"Um..friend." The man was dressed in clothes of various green shades, and he was young and pale.
"Prove yourself."
"Dude, what looney bin did you escape from?" Sebastian asked. He gave a small gasp as he noticed the man's pointy ears.
"Looney bin?" The man asked, lowering his bow, while confusion flickered in his eyes.
"Never mind then..." Sebastian stopped backing away, feeling suddenly sorry for the strange man. He heard Nate and Jon yelling for him, and their footsteps, as they rushed down the steep trail. The stopped dead in their tracks, and watched with interest.
"Name yourself." The man ordered.
"Sebastian. Sebastian Lapham. Do you care to tell me why you're on my downhill course, pointing an arrow and me, and demanding my name?"
"I'm Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood. I was seperated from my companions today."
"Legolas? Come up with another, idiot." The elf's eyes flashed dangerously.
"It is true! I am Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood." He insisted.
"Prove it." Sebastian challenged. Ever faithful Nate, the little bookworm and Lord of the Rings expert would back him up.
"I shall." Legolas' replied.
"Seb, look at his ears!" Nathan exclaimed in a low whisper. Sebastian nodded. There was a pause.
"Alas..." Legolas murmured sadly. "I fear I cannot prove it in any way. I have nothing about me which implies princeship."
"Seb, I think he's telling the truth." Nate offered, and Seb whirled.
"Nate, he's a freak!" He shot back, low enough so that a normal human standing as far away as the elf, wouldn't have been able to hear. But the keen ears of Legolas caught it.
"I am not!" He interjected angerily. "And I wish you would stop saying such!"
"Okay, okay. Fine." Sebastian turned. "If it's true, you need a place to stay. You can come with us. But one wrong move and you're out on the streets, get it?" Legolas nodded.
"I'll, um, get the bike. Meet at your place?" Jon asked, keeping an eye on Legolas. Sebastian nodded.
"Sure." Sebastian agreed, trudging back up the hill. Nate however, watched Legolas carefully, who remained frozen in place, scanning the area fearfully. He believed him, even if Seb didn't. Legolas seemed rather lost, and dazed, now that he looked closer. Nate recalled as much as he could of his extensive study into Lord of the Rings, and finally remembered the phrase for which he had been seeking.
"Mellon, Legolas?" Nate asked hesitantly. Legolas looked at him sharply, his eyes lighting at the familar words. A small smile began to creep upon the elf's fair face. Nate nodded towards the trail.
"Come on, they're probably waiting." Legolas nodded, and followed silently.
*-*-*
When Nate and Legolas arrived at the parking lot, Seb already had the car started, and Legolas watched it hum, curiously. Nate opened the car door, and motioned for Legolas to get in. Legolas slid into the car, his eyes darting about suspiciously. Nate sat next to him, and shut the door.
Seb started to back up, and Legolas jumped, and gave an Elvish curse. Nate laughed.
"It's a cart without horses, Legolas." He explained. Legolas turned to face Nate, his eyes wide and wondering.
"A moving cart without horses?" He asked. Nate nodded.
"It's called a car." He told him, ignoring a rude, exasperated sigh from Seb, as they moved forward towards the highway. Legolas stared in wonder out the window, his hand still clutching the bow, as if it were his lifeline.
"Are you hungry? Thirsty?" Nate asked suddenly. Legolas shook his head.
"I ate but yesterday noon. I'll be fine for a few more hours."
"Seb, stop at a McDee's." Nate ordered, pulling out his wallet. "Legolas, I'm about to introduce you to American cuisine. Hamburgers and french fries."
Seb pulled into the drive-thru, and turned to Nate.
"What do you and the Elf want?" He asked sarcastically. Nate grinned.
"Two cheeseburgers, basket of fries, two cokes, a water, and some ketchup." Legolas watched curiously, as Seb spoke into a red box with holes in it, and blinked in surprise when the spoken words appeared on another box, the text resembling that of Middle-Earth man's. Minutes later, the smell of burgers and fries filled the car, as Seb continued on his drive to the apartment, sucking a straw that was protruding out of a cup of soda.
Nate, meanwhile, has stuck a straw in a cup of water, and was explaining to Legolas how to use it. Legolas tried to pay attention, but he was still wary of the car, and found it hard to pay attention to anything when the machine was moving.
"Here, just suck on this...like a pipe..." Nate held the cup out to him. Legolas tentively tried it, and a smile brightened his face.
"It's clean! And cold!" He exclaimed joyfully, as he sipped the water.
At the apartment building, they tumbled out of the car, Seb walking ahead, holding the bag of food, and Nate and Legolas trailing behind, as Nate asked Legolas questions on the way up.
"So, you were separated from Aragorn and Gimli? Or was the Fellowship still together?" He asked, and Legolas's eyes darkened.
"How do you know of these things?"
"It's in the books...I mean, I've read about you..." Nate stuttered, realizing there was no logical explanation. How did you explain to someone that their life was in a book? "I'll show you. But, anyway, how were you seperated?"
"Aragorn, Gimli, and I were in Rohan. I went exploring near the stables, and hit my head upon a tree. When I woke up, nothing looked familar. I was searching for the stables, when, what is it you call him? Seb?" Nate nodded. "When Seb came flying down the path on that..that..."
"Bike." Nate supplied.
"Bike." Legolas repeated. "And then...this." He motioned to the strange, building dotted landscrape around them, littered with roads, and cars, and bright signs. Nate suddenly realized how foreign everything must be to the Elf, and he sighed.
"Come on, the apartment's this way."
*-*-*
"So, it's a hamburger?" Legolas asked, looking at the cheeseburger in front of him.
"Yeah, and you pick it up, and eat it like this." Nate demonstrated. "Dare acshully preddy gud." He finished, with a mouthfull of food. Seb sighed in disgust, and left the room. Legolas watched him leave.
"Your brother does not seem to like me." He announced, somewhat sullenlly.
"Aww, ignore him. He'll get over it." Nate replied. Legolas looked one last time in the direction that Seb had gone, before picking up the burger, and taking a careful bite.
"Strange." He commented, after he had finished chewing. "Strange, but fairly good." Nate grinned.
"Glad you like it."
*-*-*
The rest of the afternoon was spent explaining modern appliances to Legolas. He was rather fascinated by the stereo, and their 'strange' modern music. It took Nate almost an hour to convince Legolas to try the shower.
"It's just like rain!" Nate had assured him. Legolas had glared suspiciously at the little round silver piece, suspended from the ceiling.
When Nate finally convinced him, and got two towels out, he showed Legolas how to adjust the water, and what the shampoo was for. He brought some of Seb's clothes in, and handed them to Legolas.
"Put these on, when you're done. They'll be better than your clothes, for this time period anyway." He left the room, and closed the door behind him. Half an hour later, Legolas reemerged, his Elven clothes, bow and arrow, all remaining in the bathroom. Nate gave him a once over.
"It'll do. You look more like one of us, now." Legolas frowned at the full-length mirror, not quite liking the way he looked in jeans and a t-shirt. "What about your ears, though...and your hair." Nate continued. Legolas whirled.
"What is wrong with my hair? And my ears?" He demanded. Nate smiled patiently at him.
"Legolas, I don't know when or how you'll get back to Middle-Earth. For now, you should try to blend in. We could cut your hair, and you could wear a hat to cover up your ears." Another forty-five minutes of heated arguing ensued, and Seb watched amusedly.
"Fine! Fine! I'll cut my hair and wear a hat!" Legolas finally gave up with a sigh, as he sat on the couch.
"I'll be back with the scissors and comb. Wait in the kitchen." Nate cried, dashing to the bathroom before Legolas could change his mind.
Legolas sat on a stool in the kitchen, as Nate combed his silky blonde hair. Seb once again watched, a twinkle of amusement in his eyes.
Nate began to deftly snip at the hair, and a horrified expression grew on Legolas's face. It was all Seb could do to keep from laughing. Minutes passed before Nate announced,
"I'm done!" Legolas lept up, and ran to the mirror. His hair was short, and close cropped, completely different from the long locks he was used to. He frowned at mirror once again, and dejectedly made his way to the couch. Nate swept up the hair on the kitchen floor, and soon came to sit next to him, while Seb disappeared into a back room again.
"It's not really that bad, is it, Legolas?" Nate asked, and Legolas forced a small smile.
"I guess not." Nate grabbed a bucket hat off the coffee table, and slid it onto Legolas's head, making sure the tips of his ears were covered. "That'll do it." Nate announced cheerfully. Legolas scowled at the floor.
"Nate, we still going to the party?" Seb asked, coming out of the back bedroom.
"Why not?" Nate asked, grinning still. Legolas continued to scowl.
*-*-*
"Who's the friend?" Mal asked, as she waved them into the already full apartment.
"Lector." Nate announced hastily, shooting a warning glance to Seb. Legolas looked up sharply at the greeting, but gritted his teeth and said nothing.
"Oh. Hey Lector. We're going to play some games before we start the movie." Mal announced. Nate pulled Seb aside.
"She's read the books!" He whispered harshly. Seb nodded. They joined the party, which was spread out around the living room, some on couches, some on chairs, some on the floor. Legolas remained back against the wall, refusing at first to join. Nate waved to him.
"Come on." Legolas reluctantly nodded, and moved to where Nate was sitting cross-legged on the floor.
"Okay, first we're going to play Truth or Dare, the Modified Version." Mal began. A few cheers echoed throughout the room. "Rules: 1. The picker choses the action. 2. Second options are always worse. I'll go first. Zack, I pick Dare." A teen across the room nodded.
"What'll it be?" He asked lazily, from his spot on the couch.
"I dare you to jump out the second story window." Mal announced, and Zach shrugged.
"Here goes." He sauntered over to a window, and pried it open. Everyone crowded around to watch, except Legolas, who could have cared less. Cheers erupted as he lept out, and landed on his feet in some bushes.
"Be right up!" He called, brushing himself off. Seconds later, he rushed into the room, breathless.
"My turn! I pick Lector." Everyone's eyes turned to Legolas. He cringed ever so slightly. Nate let out an inaudible groan. "I also pick Kiss. Lector, you have to kiss Tammy. And not just a peck on the cheek." Tammy blushed, and Legolas' face reddened. Zack went on. "And if you don't kiss her, you have to imitate Elvis in the parking lot, without a shirt on." The red glow on Legolas' face deepened.
"I will not do either." He growled.
"You have to." Zack retorted. "It's in the rules." Legolas jumped up.
"I will not do either!" He repeated, storming out of the apartment.
"What a sore loser." Someone muttered. Something inside Nate snapped.
"Just shutup! You don't know what you're talking about!" He yelled, following Legolas. Downstairs, he looked around.
"Legolas?" He called out. "Legolas, where are you?" He looked out the front doors, and saw no one, so he darted for the back. Nate found him near the rear exit.
Legolas stood, head leaning against the wall, and he supported himself with one arm.
"Legolas, I'm sorry...I didn't know they would..." Nate paused. "Legolas? What's wrong?" He mentally slapped himself. 'Stupid question, Nate! Stupid!' Legolas slammed the wall with his other arm and sank to the floor.
"I want to go home...I just want to go home.." He muttered, biting back the tears that threatened to fall. Nate remembered reading that Elves could only die of wounds, or grief, and a panic rose in him.
"Legolas, I swear we'll find a way for you to get back. I'm really sorry about everything. Let's just back to my apartment for now, okay?" Legolas didn't move. Nate slumped against the wall.
"I don't mean to sound like some corny kid's show, but, I wasn't much of a mellon, was I?" He went on, not bothering to pause for a response. "I made you cut your hair..and then I dragged you to this stupid party. I'm really sorry, Legolas. I feel like such a freak." Still, Legolas didn't move. Nate knelt next to him, in alarm.
"Legolas?" He repeated urgently. The Elf's eyes were closed, and his breathing shallow. Nate cursed, and shook him gently. "Legolas?" Still no response. Nate jumped up, and ran to get Seb.
*-*-*
"What do you mean, he wouldn't answer you?" Seb demanded, as Nate led him down the hall hurriedly.
"I don't know! He passed out or something." Nate replied. They rounded the corner, and saw Legolas in the same position Nate had left him in.
"Fine, let's get him to the car. Try to wake him up." Seb ordered. Nate once again knelt next to Legolas.
"Legolas? Come on, wake up! Legolas!" The Elf didn't stir. Nate looked up at Seb with panic-striken eyes. Seb reluctantly realized the seriousness of the situation, and sighed.
"Okay, I'll take his arms. You take his feet." Seb lifted Legolas' upper body, while Nate struggled to get a hold of the Elf's long legs.
They made it to the car without anyone noticing, and slid Legolas in the back seat.
Within minutes, they were on their way.
*-*-*
Legolas woke, and blinked at the ceiling. Unfamilar music played in the background, and he was in a soft bed. He shot up, and looked around. The room was as unfamilar as the music, and he sighed softly, trying to clear his puddled mind. Everything seemed shaky, and he felt rather dizzy, which was quite a new sensation to the Elf, to say the least. He sat, unmoving, trying to make the world stay still, but it refused to listen.
His head began to pound, and he reluctantly acknowledged it as a headache. He laid back down, afraid to make any sort of noise, and afraid to try and stand up. He closed his eyes again, and drifted back to a troubled sleep.
*-*-*
Nate felt Legolas' forehead, and a worried frown creased his eyebrows.
"Seb, Elves aren't supposed to get sick!" He protested, turning to Seb, who stood at the foot of the bed. Seb shrugged.
"So he's not an Elf." Seb replied.
"He is, Seb! Look at his ears! I had to explain everything to him today, he didn't even know what a couch was, or a hamburger-" Nate stopped suddenly, and paled. "You...you don't think that could make him sick, do you?"
"What, the couch?" Seb asked, raising an eyebrow.
"No, no, the hamburgers! The coke! He's not used to the carbination, the artificial sugar, the coloring..." Nate paused for breath. Seb brightened a bit.
"That just might be it!" Nate saw with astonishment that his big brother was agreeing with him, so he took the chance, and ran with it.
"And that, with the grief, the tramua from being seperated from his world, and that bump on his head."
"Wait, what do you mean 'bump on his head'?" Seb demanded.
"He said he was exploring near the stables in Rohan, and hit his head on a tree or something...when he woke up, he was here." Nate stuttered in reply. Seb cursed under his breath.
"Okay, so I admit he's an Elf, as farfetched as that is. But he's sick, and there is no way we can explain this to a hospital. What do we do now?" Seb asked, sinking into a nearby chair.
"Well...lot's of sleep...water...." Nate cursed. "I wish Tolkien had explained exactly what Elrond did while he was healing people." Seb nodded desparingly. Nate sat next to him, and they both gazed at the sleeping Elf, who continued to toss and turn.
*-*-*
"Aragorn, sir." An aide bowed to him, and Aragorn turned from his sword, which he was sharpening carefully. "No sign of Legolas, the Elf. He's been missing since yesterday afternoon."
"Legolas is missing?" Aragorn asked, standing up. At that moment, Gimli came charging into the room.
"Legolas is missing!" He announced. Aragorn waved to the aide, who bowed again and disappeared.
"I just heard." Aragorn replied.
"Shall we go search?" Gimli asked.
"Let's go." Aragorn sheathed his sword, and they ran towards the forest.
*-*-*
Nate sighed, and trudged towards the tiny kitchen.
"His fever broke." He announced, sitting on a stool, next to Seb, who was looking down into a glass of iced tea.
"To think that our carbonation would be that effective." He murmured distractedly.
"I read once that third-world refugees have a hard time adapting to all our sweet foods, and some of them never do. I guess 2,000 some years without them..." Nate trailed off.
"Geesh. He doesn't look 2,000." Seb muttered. "If only we had looks like that. Did you see the way Mal was looking at him?"
"Yep. You noticed?" Nate asked dryly. Seb nodded. A loud croak from the bedroom caught their attention. Nate rushed back, and Seb remained where he was.
Seconds later, Nate reappeared.
"The fever broke, but...his stomach..." The bathroom door slammed shut, and a sound similar to muffled coughs came from the room. Seb sighed, and frowned at his iced tea.
"I actually feel sorry for him. I can't imagine, never being sick before in your life... then... wham."
"Tell me 'bout it." Nate agreed, sitting back down. He started laughing hysterically, and Seb looked at him as if he had lost his mind. Nate finally recovered, and clung to the counter so he wouldn't fall off the stool.
"I'm sorry..it's just, you do realize how ridiculous this all is, don't you? The Downhill Devils, for the first time in almost two years, miss a sunny day on the course, and why? It's because we've got the Prince of the supposedly make-believe Mirkwood heaving up a McDonalds cheeseburger in our bathroom, no disrepect to the aforementioned Elf." Seb couldn't help but laugh when he viewed it through Nate's reasoning.
"It does sound out of whack, doesn't it?" Suddenly, a knock on the door startled them.
"I'll get it. You go see how Prince Mirkwood's doing." Seb announced, sliding off his stool. Nate nodded, and went down the hall to the bathroom door. Seb pulled the front door open, and grinned. Jon stood there, with Seb's bike.
"Hey, sorry I didn't drop this off yesterday. I noticed something was wrong with the chain, and I took it to the shop."
"I thought it was clicking funny yesterday." Seb replied, waving him in. Jon wheeled the bike in and leaned it against the wall. "Something to drink?" Seb offered. Jon nodded.
"Sure."
Meanwhile, Nate knocked softly on the bathroom door, waiting for a response from the now-silent room.
"Legolas?"
"What in Valor's name is wrong with me?" Came the low moan. Nate stifled the urge to laugh.
"I think the soda and burger made you sick." Nate replied. Another moan, this one unintelligable, came from the room. Nate cracked open the door, and when he was met with no resistance, pushed it open more, and slipped inside the dim room.
Legolas sat with his back against the wall, opposite from the toilet, pale and shaking like a leaf. Nate flushed the toilet, not even daring to look inside it, and held out an arm to the Elf.
"Come on, I'll help you back to the bed." Legolas accepted gratefully, and Nate pulled him onto his feet.
In the bedroom, Legolas laid back down, and murmured softly.
"So, this is being sick?" He asked.
"Yep." Nate replied glumly, turning to leave the room. "Want anything? Water or something?" Nate asked, before closing the door. Legolas gave a weak nod of his head.
"Water...please..." Nate flicked the light off, and let the room.
Jon, meanwhile, watched from the kitchen with interest.
"Isn't that the Elf-dude?" He asked, when Nate returned to the kitchen, and pulled out a glass.
"That's him." Seb replied.
"Is he sick or something?" Jon inquired, with never failing logic.
"He's not used to coke...the carbonation and sugar bothers him, or something. So Nate says." Seb replied with a shrug.
"Be right back." Nate left, bearing a glass of water.
"He's staying here?" Jon continued.
"It was Nate's idea, until last night. Then I had to let him stay."
"What happened?" Jon asked, as Nate rejoined them.
"Well, we went to the party...and Mal started a game of Truth or Dare, the Modified Version. It all went downhill from there."
"Oh..." Jon said, trying to make it look as if he understood.
"He wants to go home." Nate added softly. Seb nodded.
"Who wouldn't?"
*-*-*
"Legolas!" Aragorn cried out, scanning the area with his eyes.
"Legolas!" Gimli echoed gruffly.
"It's been four hours, with no sign of him." Aragorn turned to Gimli.
"Where could he have gone?" Gimli asked, looking around. Aragorn shrugged despondently.
"I know not."