PART THREE
"So that's the whole tale," Willow concluded, having just finished telling Angel all about the events of the past couple of months, starting with Buffy's resurrection and ending with her nearly getting Dawn killed. Of course, she did leave out a few parts, namely having pulled Buffy out of Heaven, but she just wasn't quite ready to let *that* cat out of the bag.
The two of them were seated on the street curb, side-by-side, Willow gazing out at the houses lined in front of them, and Angel mostly watching Willow as she spoke. When Angel didn't respond, Willow turned to look at him. "Well, aren't you going to say anything?" she inquired.
"What do you expect me to say?" Angel shrugged his shoulders, "that I'm upset, or angry, or disappointed? Because I'm not."
Willow sighed as she heard Angel's words. "It's just... I've botched up so many times with magick, but it was always stuff I could fix, you know? Stuff that didn't really cause any *serious* harm to anyone, stuff that was still plenty far from that line that you're not supposed to cross.
"But this, this was so much more serious, so far over the line... You'd think they could at least label that line a bit more clearly: put up a bunch of signs or something, 'warning, this is the line you're not supposed to cross; yes, *the* line. Turn back now.' And you do know that last part was a joke, right?" Willow finished hastily.
"Yeah, I got that," Angel gave her a reassuring smile.
"Good, 'cause I wouldn't want you thinking that I actually thought that... uh, nevermind," Willow looked away with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Angel's smile spread at the brief reappearance of the Willow he remembered. While he realized that she was no longer the girl he knew from over two years ago, a part of him was saddened to see that the Hellmouth had finally taken its toll on her.
"Willow," he began, calling her attention back to him, "do you remember what you said to me when you came to L.A?"
"Vaguely. I spent the first week after Buffy died in a complete daze. I don't really remember much of anything, except the pain."
"Yeah, I felt that way, too," Angel nodded, "so I went to this spiritual retreat in Sri Lanka to try to find a way to cope with the pain."
"Did it help?"
"For a while, before some of the monks turned into demons."
Willow gave him a strange look, as if to say, 'Even on the other side of the planet.'
"Yeah," Angel chuckled. "But the point is, while I was there, your words came back to me. They played over and over in my head, and I remembered you sitting there, trying so hard to deal with your own grief, yet still doing your best to console me. It didn't work right then, but eventually, the first bit of solace I did find was in your words."
"Oh, I hate to break it to you," Willow gently mocked him, "but those words were intended to console myself more than you. Only it didn't work so well in my case; I mean, I found that I couldn't deal with losing Buffy, so I turned to magick and brought her back."
Angel groaned, "Will you stop sabotaging my efforts to comfort you?"
Willow shot him a disbelieving look. "That's your idea of comfort?"
"Well, if you'd let me finish," Angel's eyes narrowed slightly.
"Sorry," Willow gestured for Angel to continue.
"I was going to say that you helped me through a dark time, and now I'd like to return the favor. You're not a bad person, Willow, you just made some wrong choices. But we've all done that, sometimes with even worse consequences. I know that this is hard on you right now, and, if you'll let me, I'd like to help you."
"I don't think you can help me, Angel," Willow shook her head. "I mean, I've decided to give up magick, and I know it'll be hard, but it's something I have to deal with on my own."
Angel studied the young woman for a few moments, having caught the tinge of sadness in her voice. "But you don't want to give up your magick?"
Willow's gaze suddenly swung to his, frantic. "How can you ask me that?" she exclaimed. "I mean, after what happened, I have to..."
"That's not what I'm asking," Angel shook his head, his voice stern, "I asked if you *wanted* to give up your magick."
A slight pause. "Yes."
Angel gave Willow a sad smile, "You betray yourself."
"Look, I answered your question," Willow snapped, getting to her feet. "Just leave it at that."
"No, I won't," Angel stood as well and turned Willow to face him, "If you don't want to give up your magick, if it's hurting you this much...you can't atone for anything by making yourself suffer."
"Isn't that what you're doing?"
Angel's jaw snapped shut audibly as her words, spoken so calmly, struck him like a blow across the face. Despite everything that they had been through together in Sunnydale, she didn't know him anymore. She had never gotten the chance to know who he had become in Los Angeles. When had he become so estranged from the people who had made up such a large part of his life? Or is it that he had changed so much?
"I'm sorry, Angel," Willow sighed, her demeanor softening. "I didn't mean to...it's just that...I feel like magick is a part of who I am now, but I can't control it," she unconsciously began to reiterate her conversation with Buffy from the previous night, "it's hurting the people that I love, pushing them away from me..." Looking back up at Angel, she continued, "I can't lose them, Angel. They're the only things I have in this world."
Angel reached out and took Willow's hand in his own. "You have me, and I'm still here."
"No," Willow shook her head sadly, "your place is in L.A. now, not here."
Angel knew that what she said was true, but that didn't mean that he could just abandon her. She didn't know the man he had become, but she could get to know him. "My place is with the people I care about. It's true that I don't have a place in Sunnydale, but I hope that I'll always have a place in your life."
"You do, but I can't use my magick again, I won't."
"Okay," Angel held his hands up in surrender. "I can respect that. If you have the resolve to turn your back on that part of yourself, I won't interfere. But I still don't understand what message the Powers were trying to give Cordy."
Willow shrugged her shoulders helplessly, "I've told you everything there is to know."
"Why don't you come back to L.A. with me?" Angel asked, "we can figure this out there, and in the meantime, you can take a break from everything that's happened here."
"You want me to leave here...just like that?"
"Why not? I think a change of scenery would do you some good. Plus, I'd like the chance to spend some time with you."
"Really?" Willow raised an eyebrow, her mood lightening a bit.
"Really. It just hit me how much I've distanced myself from everyone here. I don't want there to be such a large rift between us."
"Me, neither," Willow smiled at him. "Okay, I'll come to L.A. for a while. We can catch up...and, figure out why Cordelia's having those visions, of course."
"Now you're seeing things my way. Why don't we head back to Buffy's and you can pack some stuff--"
"--Wait, I can't!" Willow suddenly exclaimed, "Tara. I was on my way to see her, to explain to her. I have to try and make things better." Willow began walking again, hurrying to get to Tara's new place.
"Willow, wait!" Angel rushed to catch up with her, easily matching her strides. "You're still coming to L.A., right?"
"I'm not sure," Willow stopped suddenly and turned to face him, "It would be nice, but...I need to get my life back together. I can't just duck and run now that things have gotten rough."
"But Willow--"
"I know! I know what you're going to say. You're going to remind me about Cordelia's visions and tell me that I'm in danger. I know that. But I love Tara. I can't just leave things like this. I can't. Please just let me talk with her first. Please."
"All right," Angel conceded, recognizing that this was something she needed, "just let me come with you?"
"I think it would be a little odd with you there, don't you think?"
"I'll wait outside," Angel gave her a warm smile.
"Okay, but I'm not making any promises."
"Too bad," Angel shrugged, "because I am."
***
"Willow," Tara exclaimed, slightly surprised as she opened the door to reveal the redhead, "what are you doing here?"
"Uh, can I come in?" Willow attempted to reign in her nervousness.
"Oh, sure," Tara opened the door wider and stepped aside to let Willow in. "Sorry about the mess. I'm still unpacking."
"It's alright. You know, you still have a few things left at the house. I can bring them by later, if you'd like."
"That's okay, I'll just ask Dawn to get them."
Willow froze at the mention of Dawn. "Have you spoken with Dawn?"
"She stopped by earlier today. She told me everything."
"Oh," Willow whispered, looking down.
"Is that why you're here?" Tara asked gently.
"I wanted to tell you myself...and I just needed to see you."
Tara considered her words before she spoke. Looking at Willow, her heart ached to comfort her, but she knew that she couldn't do it. She had warned her love of what could happen if she continued on her path, but it hadn't been enough. And so Willow had learned the hard way. And yet, after everything that happened, Tara knew that it wasn't over. It could never be over that quickly, not after having tasted magick so powerful.
"I d-don't think that it would be s-such a good idea for us to s-see each other that much r-right now."
Willow felt like all the breath had been knocked out of her. "Tara...what are you saying?"
"I'm s-saying that you need to work th-through this without me."
"You hate me, don't you?" Willow whispered, taking a step back as tears sprang to her eyes.
"No! I could never hate you--"
"I'm going to Los Angeles," Willow cut her off, trying desperately to keep her emotions in check.
"What?" Tara gave her a startled look.
"Just for a little while...um, Angel called today...he needs some help with a computer thing."
"I see. Well, you should g-go."
"You wouldn't mind?" Willow prodded, part of her hoping that Tara would beg her not to go.
"N-no. I think the ch-change would be good."
"Oh. Well, I'd be leaving tonight, after I speak with Buffy..."
"Okay," Tara turned her back to Willow and began to walk towards a stack of boxes. "Let me know w-when you get back."
Willow stood rooted to the ground as she stared at Tara's retreating form. How had she let things go this far? How could she have destroyed the most precious thing in the world to her?
"Sure," Willow finally managed to choke out, her heart constricting painfully. "I guess I'll go now..."
When Tara didn't respond, Willow turned and reached for the door, sobbing silently as she let herself out. Tara heard the door swing shut after Willow left and sank to the ground, letting her own tears fall.
***
"Willow..." Angel trailed off as he spotted the sobbing redhead approaching him.
She shook her head, simply asking, "How soon can we leave?"
END PART THREE
"So that's the whole tale," Willow concluded, having just finished telling Angel all about the events of the past couple of months, starting with Buffy's resurrection and ending with her nearly getting Dawn killed. Of course, she did leave out a few parts, namely having pulled Buffy out of Heaven, but she just wasn't quite ready to let *that* cat out of the bag.
The two of them were seated on the street curb, side-by-side, Willow gazing out at the houses lined in front of them, and Angel mostly watching Willow as she spoke. When Angel didn't respond, Willow turned to look at him. "Well, aren't you going to say anything?" she inquired.
"What do you expect me to say?" Angel shrugged his shoulders, "that I'm upset, or angry, or disappointed? Because I'm not."
Willow sighed as she heard Angel's words. "It's just... I've botched up so many times with magick, but it was always stuff I could fix, you know? Stuff that didn't really cause any *serious* harm to anyone, stuff that was still plenty far from that line that you're not supposed to cross.
"But this, this was so much more serious, so far over the line... You'd think they could at least label that line a bit more clearly: put up a bunch of signs or something, 'warning, this is the line you're not supposed to cross; yes, *the* line. Turn back now.' And you do know that last part was a joke, right?" Willow finished hastily.
"Yeah, I got that," Angel gave her a reassuring smile.
"Good, 'cause I wouldn't want you thinking that I actually thought that... uh, nevermind," Willow looked away with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Angel's smile spread at the brief reappearance of the Willow he remembered. While he realized that she was no longer the girl he knew from over two years ago, a part of him was saddened to see that the Hellmouth had finally taken its toll on her.
"Willow," he began, calling her attention back to him, "do you remember what you said to me when you came to L.A?"
"Vaguely. I spent the first week after Buffy died in a complete daze. I don't really remember much of anything, except the pain."
"Yeah, I felt that way, too," Angel nodded, "so I went to this spiritual retreat in Sri Lanka to try to find a way to cope with the pain."
"Did it help?"
"For a while, before some of the monks turned into demons."
Willow gave him a strange look, as if to say, 'Even on the other side of the planet.'
"Yeah," Angel chuckled. "But the point is, while I was there, your words came back to me. They played over and over in my head, and I remembered you sitting there, trying so hard to deal with your own grief, yet still doing your best to console me. It didn't work right then, but eventually, the first bit of solace I did find was in your words."
"Oh, I hate to break it to you," Willow gently mocked him, "but those words were intended to console myself more than you. Only it didn't work so well in my case; I mean, I found that I couldn't deal with losing Buffy, so I turned to magick and brought her back."
Angel groaned, "Will you stop sabotaging my efforts to comfort you?"
Willow shot him a disbelieving look. "That's your idea of comfort?"
"Well, if you'd let me finish," Angel's eyes narrowed slightly.
"Sorry," Willow gestured for Angel to continue.
"I was going to say that you helped me through a dark time, and now I'd like to return the favor. You're not a bad person, Willow, you just made some wrong choices. But we've all done that, sometimes with even worse consequences. I know that this is hard on you right now, and, if you'll let me, I'd like to help you."
"I don't think you can help me, Angel," Willow shook her head. "I mean, I've decided to give up magick, and I know it'll be hard, but it's something I have to deal with on my own."
Angel studied the young woman for a few moments, having caught the tinge of sadness in her voice. "But you don't want to give up your magick?"
Willow's gaze suddenly swung to his, frantic. "How can you ask me that?" she exclaimed. "I mean, after what happened, I have to..."
"That's not what I'm asking," Angel shook his head, his voice stern, "I asked if you *wanted* to give up your magick."
A slight pause. "Yes."
Angel gave Willow a sad smile, "You betray yourself."
"Look, I answered your question," Willow snapped, getting to her feet. "Just leave it at that."
"No, I won't," Angel stood as well and turned Willow to face him, "If you don't want to give up your magick, if it's hurting you this much...you can't atone for anything by making yourself suffer."
"Isn't that what you're doing?"
Angel's jaw snapped shut audibly as her words, spoken so calmly, struck him like a blow across the face. Despite everything that they had been through together in Sunnydale, she didn't know him anymore. She had never gotten the chance to know who he had become in Los Angeles. When had he become so estranged from the people who had made up such a large part of his life? Or is it that he had changed so much?
"I'm sorry, Angel," Willow sighed, her demeanor softening. "I didn't mean to...it's just that...I feel like magick is a part of who I am now, but I can't control it," she unconsciously began to reiterate her conversation with Buffy from the previous night, "it's hurting the people that I love, pushing them away from me..." Looking back up at Angel, she continued, "I can't lose them, Angel. They're the only things I have in this world."
Angel reached out and took Willow's hand in his own. "You have me, and I'm still here."
"No," Willow shook her head sadly, "your place is in L.A. now, not here."
Angel knew that what she said was true, but that didn't mean that he could just abandon her. She didn't know the man he had become, but she could get to know him. "My place is with the people I care about. It's true that I don't have a place in Sunnydale, but I hope that I'll always have a place in your life."
"You do, but I can't use my magick again, I won't."
"Okay," Angel held his hands up in surrender. "I can respect that. If you have the resolve to turn your back on that part of yourself, I won't interfere. But I still don't understand what message the Powers were trying to give Cordy."
Willow shrugged her shoulders helplessly, "I've told you everything there is to know."
"Why don't you come back to L.A. with me?" Angel asked, "we can figure this out there, and in the meantime, you can take a break from everything that's happened here."
"You want me to leave here...just like that?"
"Why not? I think a change of scenery would do you some good. Plus, I'd like the chance to spend some time with you."
"Really?" Willow raised an eyebrow, her mood lightening a bit.
"Really. It just hit me how much I've distanced myself from everyone here. I don't want there to be such a large rift between us."
"Me, neither," Willow smiled at him. "Okay, I'll come to L.A. for a while. We can catch up...and, figure out why Cordelia's having those visions, of course."
"Now you're seeing things my way. Why don't we head back to Buffy's and you can pack some stuff--"
"--Wait, I can't!" Willow suddenly exclaimed, "Tara. I was on my way to see her, to explain to her. I have to try and make things better." Willow began walking again, hurrying to get to Tara's new place.
"Willow, wait!" Angel rushed to catch up with her, easily matching her strides. "You're still coming to L.A., right?"
"I'm not sure," Willow stopped suddenly and turned to face him, "It would be nice, but...I need to get my life back together. I can't just duck and run now that things have gotten rough."
"But Willow--"
"I know! I know what you're going to say. You're going to remind me about Cordelia's visions and tell me that I'm in danger. I know that. But I love Tara. I can't just leave things like this. I can't. Please just let me talk with her first. Please."
"All right," Angel conceded, recognizing that this was something she needed, "just let me come with you?"
"I think it would be a little odd with you there, don't you think?"
"I'll wait outside," Angel gave her a warm smile.
"Okay, but I'm not making any promises."
"Too bad," Angel shrugged, "because I am."
***
"Willow," Tara exclaimed, slightly surprised as she opened the door to reveal the redhead, "what are you doing here?"
"Uh, can I come in?" Willow attempted to reign in her nervousness.
"Oh, sure," Tara opened the door wider and stepped aside to let Willow in. "Sorry about the mess. I'm still unpacking."
"It's alright. You know, you still have a few things left at the house. I can bring them by later, if you'd like."
"That's okay, I'll just ask Dawn to get them."
Willow froze at the mention of Dawn. "Have you spoken with Dawn?"
"She stopped by earlier today. She told me everything."
"Oh," Willow whispered, looking down.
"Is that why you're here?" Tara asked gently.
"I wanted to tell you myself...and I just needed to see you."
Tara considered her words before she spoke. Looking at Willow, her heart ached to comfort her, but she knew that she couldn't do it. She had warned her love of what could happen if she continued on her path, but it hadn't been enough. And so Willow had learned the hard way. And yet, after everything that happened, Tara knew that it wasn't over. It could never be over that quickly, not after having tasted magick so powerful.
"I d-don't think that it would be s-such a good idea for us to s-see each other that much r-right now."
Willow felt like all the breath had been knocked out of her. "Tara...what are you saying?"
"I'm s-saying that you need to work th-through this without me."
"You hate me, don't you?" Willow whispered, taking a step back as tears sprang to her eyes.
"No! I could never hate you--"
"I'm going to Los Angeles," Willow cut her off, trying desperately to keep her emotions in check.
"What?" Tara gave her a startled look.
"Just for a little while...um, Angel called today...he needs some help with a computer thing."
"I see. Well, you should g-go."
"You wouldn't mind?" Willow prodded, part of her hoping that Tara would beg her not to go.
"N-no. I think the ch-change would be good."
"Oh. Well, I'd be leaving tonight, after I speak with Buffy..."
"Okay," Tara turned her back to Willow and began to walk towards a stack of boxes. "Let me know w-when you get back."
Willow stood rooted to the ground as she stared at Tara's retreating form. How had she let things go this far? How could she have destroyed the most precious thing in the world to her?
"Sure," Willow finally managed to choke out, her heart constricting painfully. "I guess I'll go now..."
When Tara didn't respond, Willow turned and reached for the door, sobbing silently as she let herself out. Tara heard the door swing shut after Willow left and sank to the ground, letting her own tears fall.
***
"Willow..." Angel trailed off as he spotted the sobbing redhead approaching him.
She shook her head, simply asking, "How soon can we leave?"
END PART THREE