Satine dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead

Thousands and thousands of lines ran down at least 20 pages, both sides, until the word lost all meaning to me. My first idea was to instead write 'Satine', until her name lost all meaning to me, just after writing her name one, just once, I became petrified as I had when the Argentinian had seen me swinging. I froze, and my fingers would not type. A shiver again ran through my body, and the hairs on my neck prickled, my body slightly convulsing as I threw back my head in a whimper. The cold was getting to me, I decided. Wrapping her blanket around me, blue and faded, I sniffed it again, like I had so many nights. It still smelt like me, but there was a drifting fragrance attached, almost intangible... I pulled it over my head, and went to sleep.

Simone couldn't understand why I'd run out on her the other day. I'd kept my composure after the inital shock, but it was too much to bear once she brought me tea. My hands were shaking so much I spilt it all over my lap, burning my legs. As Simone went to go get a cloth for me, I slipped out the door. I can still hear her banging and screaming on my door as I shivered, the blanket pulled over my head, facing the blank drywall. I tried to make it something more than it was, but to no avail. I think she thought I was mad at her. Her body slammed the door and I could hear her break down in sobs, convulsing. I felt slightly bad for her, but I couldn't face her, not today. Her footsteps led away, cracking an empty tune agaist the hardwood floors.

Toulouse came to visit me. He didnt' know what happened. Fuck if I'd tell him. He gave me some speech about good progress, blah blah blah, don't ruin my chances. I lay in bed, totally still, totally silent. It was the first time I wished I was totally alone. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and screamed at him to shut up and leave me alone before I bashed his fucking head in. I wouldn't have done it, but Toulouse wasn't about to take his chances.

I paced a million times that night, the only sound my meaningless footsteps echoing through the hallways. The light hit my face at an unfortunate angle, rendering me blind briefly. Satine, my dear Satine, smoother then the ocean at night, more beautiful then the moon that shone upon... Oh, I missed her Goddammit! I was amazingly calm after Simone told me... maybe it's when I acceptted her death, finally. No! I couldn't think that, I won't think that, I'll see her again someday, I will I will I will I will! There has to be a God, and he's putting me through so much fucking pain because I broke his GODDAMMIT rule! There's only one, fuck it, and I can't even follow that!

Never fall in love.

The words will taunt me forever more, as I'm sure you'll be able to imagine... It's a sad day in gay Paris when someone falls for a prostitute, that's for sure. The tango de Roxanne still riquoches off the walls of my mind, and I can still hear the words play out, like a broken record: Betrayal...

Well. I best stop writing. My eyes are slightly fogged, and my mind keeps wandering back to the empty pills on the table. Don't worry about me being saved this time. I made sure I wouldn't. You'll read it in the newpaper, I'm sure. Why am I writing, you ask, if you've put two and two together....? To amuse myself. You don't cry when you know no one cares.