Chapter 9-Second Chance

No one knew where to look for Willow. They tried everywhere, but they couldn't find her. They went back to Buffy's and tried to come up with an organized plan to locate her. Tara suggested a locator spell, but when she tried it, it didn't work.

When she saw that it didn't work, Tara lost control of her emotions. She fell to her knees, put her face in her hands, and she wept bitterly. Buffy and Dawn were beside her, trying to offer her comfort. Buffy looked up at Xander helplessly.

Xander swallowed. "Tara..." He went to her and he, and Buffy helped her up as Dawn stepped back. Together, Buffy and Xander guided the broken girl to the sofa and made her sit. As they did, Giles, Faith, Anya, and Spike just watched. Faith felt like she didn't belong there, and she wanted to leave to give them all their privacy, but she was afraid if she moved, something would happen. So she remained where she was and waited.

"I-it's over," Tara said between sobs, her eyes wide in disbelief. "I-I c- can't believe it. I-it's really over. Willow is l-lost to me."

Xander tried to smile reassuringly at her, but failed. "Hey, things will work out. You'll see."

Tara looked into his eyes. "You don't understand. The-the Willow I knew, I was d-deeply in love with her, but-but she's gone. She's gone, Xander, a- and it kills me, be-because I don't really know w-who she was or if s-she even truly loved me." She paused. "Now there's a-a new Willow...a different Willow, and-and she doesn't even know me." She looked at Xander. "A-all she knows is you. Xander, y-you're the only one w-who can truly help her. N-none of us can. Just you."

Buffy turned to him. "She's right. You're the only one who can get Willow through this."

Xander stood up and balled his hands into fists. "I can't help her," he said softly.

"Yes, you can, you son-of-a-bitch," Faith snapped. "What's your problem, huh? Don't you get it? Man, I can help Willow only so far, but that's only because I connected with her somehow when I found the trophy. The connection between you and her run deeper than anything, Xander. Whether you see that or not, if you don't help her, then she will be lost." She got right into his face. "If we lose her because of you, I'll kill you."

Xander stared at her.

"Faith, back off!" Buffy said through clenched teeth.

Spike watched Xander carefully. He seemed thoughtful, but as yet, he had not voiced how he felt about the current situation. Since no one had asked him, he decided to remain silent.

Faith completely ignored Buffy. Her eyes were locked with Xander's. She was waiting for him to respond.

Xander finally did respond, by leaving the room. Angrily, Faith was going to follow him, but Giles stopped her by pulling her aside. Xander headed for the door and as he grabbed the doorknob, a hand touched his arm. He stopped, turned, and found Anya at his side.

She looked at him sheepishly. "I'm sorry."

Xander sighed and shook his head. "Anya, you don't have to be--"

"Hey, I was pretty harsh when all of this started, so if I want to apologize for it, the least you could do is let me. Okay?"

He looked at her. "Yeah. Okay. I'm sorry."

She frowned. "Stop being sorry. Xander, you're making this difficult for me."

He was about to apologize again, but stopped himself. "Anya, I don't want to make anything difficult on anyone. I...I really just don't know what to do."

"I know what you have to do. Deep down inside, you do, too. And, well, it's okay." She frowned. "Sort of. I mean, I understand and all, but..." She looked at him. "What do humans do at times like these?"

Xander paused. "I guess they cope."

She hesitated. "Xander, I've lost you, haven't I?" She watched her intently. "I'm really sorry I hurt Willow earlier. I-I didn't understand what was happening." She took a deep breath. "I do now. More than you can know." She fought to keep the tears from falling. Tears were something she didn't understand. When they came at times like this, it hurt her heart.

He regarded her. "What do you mean?"

"Look, before I was human, I was a demon, and I saw a lot of things in my life. Things like this. Things like...fate, and one thing I've learned about fate is that you have to let it happen, because if you don't, then everybody suffers. So I'm letting you go to be with the one you're fated to be with. I-I can't stand in the way of this, Xander."

He opened his mouth to talk, but she put a finger to his lips.

"No," she said softly, shaking her head. "Don't say a word. Just listen to me. If you and I go on as we have been, and we aren't fated to be, then somewhere down the road, we'll fall hard. We'll end up hurting ourselves and those around us who we love." She smiled wryly at him, her eyes blurring with tears. "I know what I'm talking about. I've seen it happen. So you go, and you find her. Tell her I'm sorry for being mean."

"Anya, I--"

"Just go, Xander. Please."

Xander looked at her, and then he went outside in frustration. As he stood on the front lawn and gazed up at the stars, all he could do was feel anger at himself for letting Willow down, and pain as he realized that even though Anya had let him go, she was still deeply hurt. What was wrong with me? he asked himself. "I should have known," he said out loud. Then he bowed his head in despair.

"I don't imagine beating yourself up about this does anyone any good," Spike said as he joined him out on the lawn. He lit up a cigarette and watched Xander carefully. "Do you?"

Xander didn't look at him. "Go away, Spike. I'm not in the mood."

"Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but you'd better get in the mood because I'm not about to go away any time soon."

Xander turned his head and glared at him. "I swear, I'll kill you."

Spike shrugged. "Ah, well, and we both know you can kill me because my brain has been wired. Damn chip and all." He took a drag on his smoke. "If you kill me though, I won't be able to help you find Red." He looked at Xander out of the corner of his eye.

Xander balled his hands into fists, but he made no move to attack Spike. He did, however, continue to glare at him. "Do you know something I don't?"

"Maybe."

"Spike, if this is a game you're playing--"

"I just want to ask you something first."

Xander hesitated. "What?"

"When you find her, what are you going to do?"

Xander considered the question. "What do you mean?"

"I mean what are you going to do with Willow once you have found her? The girl's a wreck, soldier boy, in case you haven't noticed." He shrugged. "Hell, I suppose anyone would be a wreck after being trapped in a godforsaken trophy for five years. Her life is gone, mate. She doesn't know any of this world now." He paused. "All she knows is...you." He paused. "Just as Tara said."

Xander looked at him. "What are you telling me, Spike?"

"You are that girls' only light at the end of the tunnel." Spike pointed at him. "You're the only one that can help her. Not any of the Scoobies, not Buffy, not the Watcher...just you. So you now have a choice to make about how your life is going to go. I think you know what I mean."

Xander's silence spoke in loud volumes.

Spike nodded knowingly. "I thought so. You've already been thinking about it, but for how long?"

"I don't know...a while now." Xander took a deep breath. "It...it just doesn't feel right. I mean, I care for Anya, but..." he trailed off.

"You never did love her, did you?"

Xander shook his head. "I thought I did."

"When did you realize that your love for Anya wasn't real?"

Xander looked at him as he looked deep within himself. He was doing a lot of soul-searching. "Spike...I-I guess it was never real."

Spike looked at him with genuine surprise. He suspected that Xander had stopped loving Anya at some point, but not this. "Are you bloody serious?"

"I don't want to talk about this."

"Well, why not? Look, I don't care one way or the other, but if you go after Red and you find her, you need to tell her one way or the other about how you truly feel." He shrugged. "Don't worry about Anya. She's a tough lass. She'll be fine."

"Where do you think Willow is?"

"I know where she is, but we're not through here." He regarded Xander. "What's going on?"

Xander let out a sigh. "I guess I..." He shook his head and thought about Willow. She was really crazy about him back then. He was just as crazy about her. "I've always loved her, Spike. I thought that one day, we would end up together. We would marry and grow old together, but we grew up so fast, and things just happened differently." He frowned. "If this hadn't of happened to Willow, I wonder if we would have fallen in love."

"Well, now you both have a second chance to find out," Spike said softly. "Things happen for a reason. They always do. Life has that about it, especially when certain things are just meant to be."

Xander turned to look at him. "I do love her, Spike. I always have."

"Then go and get her."

"Where?" he asked, his heart beating in his chest.

"You know where she is."

Xander looked puzzled. "But I don't know. How could I know?"

Spike took a drag on his smoke and looked up at the stars. "Some years back, I took a bloody stroll in the woods of Sunnydale. This was a few years before Buffy arrived." He paused. "I came across these two little kids building a fort in the woods and I could have taken them if I wanted to. I didn't. I was curious about what they were up to and so I watched them for a couple of nights. I watched the girl bang her hand with a hammer and I watched the boy hold her until her sobs ceased, and I marveled at the love I saw there. I thought to myself, oh, now this is real, genuine love. Not that gooey kind that's on the surface, but the real bloody thing." He shook his head. "So these two kids go on and they build a bloody fort. It might as well have been a fortress for all I know because when they were done, it became a refuge for them. They didn't realize it, but their sweat and blood and tears strengthened that fort. They sealed it when they made it their own." He looked at Xander. "No one could get in unless invited."

Xander took a deep breath as he realized what Spike was talking about. "Are you talking about the fort Willow and I made when we were kids?" He was stunned. "You saw us?"

Spike paused. "I did."

"And you didn't come for us then?"

"Bloody hell, I couldn't. The two of you were in that fort until sunrise. So I just went on my way."

Xander hesitated. "Spike..." He stopped, truly at a loss for words.

"You're welcome."

Xander smiled wryly. Then he turned and he ran off to find Willow.

Spike lit up another cigarette as Anya joined him. "Got a smoke for me?" she asked.

Spike put another one in his mouth, lit it up, and then passed it to her.

Anya took a puff. "Men are pigs."

"You heard?"

She nodded. "It's okay. I understand. Besides, you heard me talking to Xander at the door."

Spike looked at her. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I think so."

"Uh, you don't seem so bloody upset about this."

"I'm not."

Spike paused. "Why not?"

"Because men are pigs and this I already know. Why be upset about what men really are?" She took another puff. "Is there any alcohol at your place?"

"Lots of it."

"Can I drink it all?"

"Certainly."

"Then lead me on, you scum sucking pig you."

Spike and Anya, both demons of nature, walked arm in arm to the cemetery.

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