Chapter Three
The house looked the same as it had when she'd left. Small green bushes lined the ground in front of the wide porch, the swing in the corner of it swaying slightly in the breeze. Every window seemed to have exactly the same amount of light on it, glaring in just the same way as it had when she'd looked at them before. The trees to either side of the house-the big oak that had become a sort of home to Spike in his stalking-Buffy days was just as tall, the leaves the same color, and the smaller one to the other side had not changed either. Nothing was different about the house or the green grass around it, the flowers planted in various spots had remained unchanged, through everything.
Only one thing seemed different, only one thing caught her eye as not fitting in. That was the cement pathway going up to the front steps. It seemed longer, stretching into forever until it just stopped, suddenly at a place where you were expected to stop and exit into something new. Something she didn't think she was ready for. She was going to be returning to that same house, that same room, to sleep in that same bed, and suddenly she almost felt sick.
" Will, you okay?" She snapped her head around, red hair flying in front of her eyes. She smiled weakly at Buffy, who looked concerned and had reached out to put her hand on Willow's shoulder.
" Yeah, Buffy, I'm all right. I'll be fine."
Anya shifted smiling awkwardly. You could tell by looking at her she had something to say, that even she knew wasn't the right thing; but she said it anyway, as always. " It seems to me that if you are going to be fine, the fine part has yet to set in. Seems to be insinuating that you are less than fine."
Willow looked from Anya to Buffy, then to the rest of her friends, than back at the ever ending walk that would lead her back to where she had watched her girlfriend die in her arms. She suddenly realized that no matter how much she, or Giles or anyone else tried to convince her she was okay with this, that she could handle it, Anya was right. She wasn't fine with it.
She opened and closed her mouth in indecision several times, trying to think of what to say, and trying to talk herself out of just turning and running from this whole situation. But the part in her that cared about her friends and wanted to try and move on with her life wouldn't let her.
" I guess it's just hard," Willow finally said aloud. " I know I want to continue and that eventually I will make it in and then on with my life..I have just yet to get to the part where I do.move on."
" Moving forward usually helps," Anya added, in her own mind trying to be helpful.
Willow looked at Anya for a second, then a realization came to her. She's missed Anya. She'd missed the way everything she did seemed to be the wrong thing, the way she said any thought that popped into her mind, thinking that it should be common knowledge. And if she had missed Anya, she knew she'd missed the others.
Xander and his goofy jokes and attempts at making everything seem like it wasn't and couldn't be the end of the world-even when sometimes it actually was about to be. Dawn and her way of wanting to be with people. How she was not complete when she was alone, but always wanted company, companionship. In her own way, she was almost cat-like in her need for affection.
And of course Buffy. Buffy was just Buffy. The Chosen One, the Slayer, the One-Who-Hangs-Out-In-Cemeteries-A-Lot. Buffy was Willow's best friend, the one she had used to go to with all her problems and vice versa. They'd shared everything and she was anxiously awaiting the time when they could do that again.
Only one person wasn't here that she wished she was coming home too. She'd never be here again, and Willow had loved her most of all. She'd been her soul mate, and her friend, and now she wasn't here, and was like she was missing a half. Giles could never help with that. He could talk to her, and counsel her, taking notes and giving suggestions, but he couldn't rebuild the piece of her that had been torn out.
But they helped. Each and every one of them helped. Even if they only took an ounce of the hurt away, or eliminated just one tear, then they were helping them. And she could never tell them what it meant to her.
" Thank you guys. I know you are all trying to help. It's just hard, I guess, hard to be home again, here in good old Sunnydale. Home of demons, Hellmouths, and apocalypses."
" Don't forget Slayers and Keys!" Dawn exclaimed excitedly. She smiled to all, as if she was on cloud nine and they were all joining her there. Willow almost wanted to hug her right there, but she knew if she did, she might start crying again, and she barely had any tears left. She was wondering where the water would come from.
" Ah, yes and newly returned former Watcher," Giles added, smiling at them rather shyly.
" We're so happy to have you both home," Buffy said. " Sunnydale has been incomplete without two of its finer residents."
" Yes, there were nightly town meeting on how to cope with you absence," Xander said with a grin. " It was hard, but after some group hugs and getting in touch with feminine sides we all pulled through, and here you are! Back!" He seemed to have an afterthought and added," Of course, I will miss the cuddling of the voluptuous blonde that usually sat to my left, but you two more than make up for the loss."
Everyone smiled, and before Willow could confirm what was happening, she found herself moving again, being lead by Dawn back up the porch steps, through the big wooden door and then into the Summers living room. She looked around, her eyes taking in everything only to register the inside of the house too remain unchanged. Sunnydale had remained the same even as the people living in it had transformed around it. No one in their once close family of friends was the same as they had been only a year ago.
" Home sweet home." Xander put the suit cases he was carrying down on the floor, grunting as he stood back up. " Someone really should embroider that on something. It has that certain ring to it."
" Yes of course, someone must have been slacking off when they put it on pictures, T-shirts, cushions and pillows. All this time someone should have just 'embroidered it on something.'"
Even Xander smiled at the joke at his expense as they settled into the room, seating themselves on the furniture and then letting silence sink in. Willow was trying to decide if they were all just too nervous to speak or if it was an intentional silence to just enjoy being together again. She was thinking maybe a little bit of both.
Then Buffy broke the silence, either finding courage or having her fill of the moment. " So, are you going to tell us what happened? In England? With the coven and with counseling? If it's uncomfortable to talk about, we.we understand. It's totally fine."
" No," Willow quickly reassured her. " You all are my friends. I can tell you what happened. It wasn't exactly the best summer vacation I've ever taken, I would have much more enjoyed Maui, but I can settle." She smiled slightly has she slipped into to the details of her trip.
She tried to lighten it every once in a while, telling them about the weather or the British inhabitants, but it just seemed to her that she was rambling nervously, so she began to cut back on the flowery parts.
She told them about staying a Giles' house and having talks with him every night, and sleeping most of her days away. Her sleep had been brought on mostly to avoid her thoughts, she told them solemnly. She was thinking every second, none of them ever seeming to be pleasant or just calming. They were always things that made her shake nervously and feel like the room was sinking in on her.
As time went on, her sleep decreased and her thoughts became more pleasant, she could go through long periods of time without one thought of death or pain and she was fine. Not happy, but seemingly at peace with things.
She started opening up more to Giles, she told them. Only a slight blushing glance towards Buffy's former Watcher accompanied this statement. She told them a lot of the things she had told him earlier, about how she had felt when Tara had been killed, about how she had felt when she herself had killed Warren. She also told them of the hate she'd been feeling at the thought of him or mention of his name.
None of what she told them was easy to say, or on their parts easy to listen too. It was entailing most of the pain she'd been feeling over the last few months, and none of it was pretty. Pain rarely was, but it was all things she needed to say. Her friends needed to know what she was thinking and feeling, she was tired of secrets and unspoken truths.
She finally got to the part where Giles had deemed her recovered enough to face the coven, who had been demanding to see her. He had kept her away from it for months, telling them she was barely strong enough to make her way around his home, let alone get out of control with her magic again.
In fact, for over a month after she left Sunnydale, her powers were completely depleted. She was pretty much spent and she took that as yet another blow to her life's purpose and sunk into semi-depression. Or more like full on depression.
But when she finally faced the coven, nothing they said to her helped or made anything better. In point of fact, what they did to her only reinstated her depression for a while. She was face to face with over a dozen older men and women, looking like a council of executioners rather than a coven of wiccans. They discussed what they viewed as her 'case' and decided that the most fitting punishment was for her to be stripped of her powers.
This is when she stopped, catching the looks of her friends and the gasps they let out. Buffy was the first one to overcome this and looked at Giles, " I thought you said she was only banned from practicing?"
Giles shifted uncomfortably as they all turned to look at them and reached up to pull his glasses from off his nose and pulling a white rag from out of the front pocket of his jacket. "Well, yes," Giles said, avoiding eye contact. " I thought it would be better if you didn't know just yet the full extent of Willow's punishment. You see, it was rather a shock to me too, and I didn't know how you'd al react." Giles finally looked up and smiled at Willow. "Besides, I had a feeling that Willow should be the one to tell you."
Willow hesitated before smiling. One of the things he had been doing lately was returning her responsibility. She had been given chores at his house, and decisions that at first he hadn't let her make. And this was just another in a long line to come; and one of the harder ones.
Willow looked back to her friends. " It was horrible. While I knew that I was going to be.that I deserved to be punished for my actions, I guess I was just a little thrown. I mean, who wouldn't be?" Willow stopped to look at her hands, feeling tears sting her eyes. She took a moment to try and let them dry, then looked back up at her friends, all seeming to be having the same problem she was with an onslaught of tears.
" Well, a little scolding, a few light shows, searing pain, and a pat on the back later, I was back at Giles'." Willow smiles at them all, looking happy for the first time. " Free," she said. " For the first time, I felt free. The magic had been there, tempting me and teasing me. It was suddenly gone and not even going to come back no matter how much I wanted it too. The only thing I regretted was not having the chance to fight myself. Just facing it and turning it down. Showing myself I was strong enough."
" Like a fat person with cake?" Anya said, he voice soft. She was a little bit on overload herself, experiencing emotions that she didn't usually welcome, but it was obvious she cared about Willow. Her words and mind just weren't being as soft as her heart was. " Just say no?" Anya added.
Willow smiled nodding. " Exactly. But what they did was smarter. When there is risk for more than just me, it isn't just my decision anymore. So they took my powers away, and then I came home. I missed it. this. You guys. The gang."
" We missed you too, Will." Xander jumped up then and wrapped her into another bear hug. It wasn't long before it seemed everyone was on top of her, squeezing her happily.
" This part I could have lived without. The no air thing," Willow choked out from underneath her friends. They slowly piled off of her, smiling hysterically. " Well, hugging is okay, it's just when you turn blue that you have to admit you're going too far."
They smiled when Dawn, in all innocence, smiling happily and jumping up and down slightly suddenly crushed the mood by asking, " You ready to move back into your old room?"
Willow's heart seemed to stop at the thought. But she knew she had to, she couldn't sleep downstairs forever, and she had to go in the bedroom sometime, face it, if nothing else. She stood slowly, a lump in her throat the size of her fist and looked at the stairs with trepidation.
" All right. Let's go. Get the bags."
Willow and dawn started to make their way to the stairs and behind her she slightly heard Anya say, " Why do I have to carry a bag? It's not like they took her arms when they took her magic."
Giles voice came next," Anya, do try to and be less-you. Take the smaller one."
" There is no smaller one."
That's the last thing Willow heard before tuning out the voices and just walking arm and arm up the stairs with Dawn.
The house looked the same as it had when she'd left. Small green bushes lined the ground in front of the wide porch, the swing in the corner of it swaying slightly in the breeze. Every window seemed to have exactly the same amount of light on it, glaring in just the same way as it had when she'd looked at them before. The trees to either side of the house-the big oak that had become a sort of home to Spike in his stalking-Buffy days was just as tall, the leaves the same color, and the smaller one to the other side had not changed either. Nothing was different about the house or the green grass around it, the flowers planted in various spots had remained unchanged, through everything.
Only one thing seemed different, only one thing caught her eye as not fitting in. That was the cement pathway going up to the front steps. It seemed longer, stretching into forever until it just stopped, suddenly at a place where you were expected to stop and exit into something new. Something she didn't think she was ready for. She was going to be returning to that same house, that same room, to sleep in that same bed, and suddenly she almost felt sick.
" Will, you okay?" She snapped her head around, red hair flying in front of her eyes. She smiled weakly at Buffy, who looked concerned and had reached out to put her hand on Willow's shoulder.
" Yeah, Buffy, I'm all right. I'll be fine."
Anya shifted smiling awkwardly. You could tell by looking at her she had something to say, that even she knew wasn't the right thing; but she said it anyway, as always. " It seems to me that if you are going to be fine, the fine part has yet to set in. Seems to be insinuating that you are less than fine."
Willow looked from Anya to Buffy, then to the rest of her friends, than back at the ever ending walk that would lead her back to where she had watched her girlfriend die in her arms. She suddenly realized that no matter how much she, or Giles or anyone else tried to convince her she was okay with this, that she could handle it, Anya was right. She wasn't fine with it.
She opened and closed her mouth in indecision several times, trying to think of what to say, and trying to talk herself out of just turning and running from this whole situation. But the part in her that cared about her friends and wanted to try and move on with her life wouldn't let her.
" I guess it's just hard," Willow finally said aloud. " I know I want to continue and that eventually I will make it in and then on with my life..I have just yet to get to the part where I do.move on."
" Moving forward usually helps," Anya added, in her own mind trying to be helpful.
Willow looked at Anya for a second, then a realization came to her. She's missed Anya. She'd missed the way everything she did seemed to be the wrong thing, the way she said any thought that popped into her mind, thinking that it should be common knowledge. And if she had missed Anya, she knew she'd missed the others.
Xander and his goofy jokes and attempts at making everything seem like it wasn't and couldn't be the end of the world-even when sometimes it actually was about to be. Dawn and her way of wanting to be with people. How she was not complete when she was alone, but always wanted company, companionship. In her own way, she was almost cat-like in her need for affection.
And of course Buffy. Buffy was just Buffy. The Chosen One, the Slayer, the One-Who-Hangs-Out-In-Cemeteries-A-Lot. Buffy was Willow's best friend, the one she had used to go to with all her problems and vice versa. They'd shared everything and she was anxiously awaiting the time when they could do that again.
Only one person wasn't here that she wished she was coming home too. She'd never be here again, and Willow had loved her most of all. She'd been her soul mate, and her friend, and now she wasn't here, and was like she was missing a half. Giles could never help with that. He could talk to her, and counsel her, taking notes and giving suggestions, but he couldn't rebuild the piece of her that had been torn out.
But they helped. Each and every one of them helped. Even if they only took an ounce of the hurt away, or eliminated just one tear, then they were helping them. And she could never tell them what it meant to her.
" Thank you guys. I know you are all trying to help. It's just hard, I guess, hard to be home again, here in good old Sunnydale. Home of demons, Hellmouths, and apocalypses."
" Don't forget Slayers and Keys!" Dawn exclaimed excitedly. She smiled to all, as if she was on cloud nine and they were all joining her there. Willow almost wanted to hug her right there, but she knew if she did, she might start crying again, and she barely had any tears left. She was wondering where the water would come from.
" Ah, yes and newly returned former Watcher," Giles added, smiling at them rather shyly.
" We're so happy to have you both home," Buffy said. " Sunnydale has been incomplete without two of its finer residents."
" Yes, there were nightly town meeting on how to cope with you absence," Xander said with a grin. " It was hard, but after some group hugs and getting in touch with feminine sides we all pulled through, and here you are! Back!" He seemed to have an afterthought and added," Of course, I will miss the cuddling of the voluptuous blonde that usually sat to my left, but you two more than make up for the loss."
Everyone smiled, and before Willow could confirm what was happening, she found herself moving again, being lead by Dawn back up the porch steps, through the big wooden door and then into the Summers living room. She looked around, her eyes taking in everything only to register the inside of the house too remain unchanged. Sunnydale had remained the same even as the people living in it had transformed around it. No one in their once close family of friends was the same as they had been only a year ago.
" Home sweet home." Xander put the suit cases he was carrying down on the floor, grunting as he stood back up. " Someone really should embroider that on something. It has that certain ring to it."
" Yes of course, someone must have been slacking off when they put it on pictures, T-shirts, cushions and pillows. All this time someone should have just 'embroidered it on something.'"
Even Xander smiled at the joke at his expense as they settled into the room, seating themselves on the furniture and then letting silence sink in. Willow was trying to decide if they were all just too nervous to speak or if it was an intentional silence to just enjoy being together again. She was thinking maybe a little bit of both.
Then Buffy broke the silence, either finding courage or having her fill of the moment. " So, are you going to tell us what happened? In England? With the coven and with counseling? If it's uncomfortable to talk about, we.we understand. It's totally fine."
" No," Willow quickly reassured her. " You all are my friends. I can tell you what happened. It wasn't exactly the best summer vacation I've ever taken, I would have much more enjoyed Maui, but I can settle." She smiled slightly has she slipped into to the details of her trip.
She tried to lighten it every once in a while, telling them about the weather or the British inhabitants, but it just seemed to her that she was rambling nervously, so she began to cut back on the flowery parts.
She told them about staying a Giles' house and having talks with him every night, and sleeping most of her days away. Her sleep had been brought on mostly to avoid her thoughts, she told them solemnly. She was thinking every second, none of them ever seeming to be pleasant or just calming. They were always things that made her shake nervously and feel like the room was sinking in on her.
As time went on, her sleep decreased and her thoughts became more pleasant, she could go through long periods of time without one thought of death or pain and she was fine. Not happy, but seemingly at peace with things.
She started opening up more to Giles, she told them. Only a slight blushing glance towards Buffy's former Watcher accompanied this statement. She told them a lot of the things she had told him earlier, about how she had felt when Tara had been killed, about how she had felt when she herself had killed Warren. She also told them of the hate she'd been feeling at the thought of him or mention of his name.
None of what she told them was easy to say, or on their parts easy to listen too. It was entailing most of the pain she'd been feeling over the last few months, and none of it was pretty. Pain rarely was, but it was all things she needed to say. Her friends needed to know what she was thinking and feeling, she was tired of secrets and unspoken truths.
She finally got to the part where Giles had deemed her recovered enough to face the coven, who had been demanding to see her. He had kept her away from it for months, telling them she was barely strong enough to make her way around his home, let alone get out of control with her magic again.
In fact, for over a month after she left Sunnydale, her powers were completely depleted. She was pretty much spent and she took that as yet another blow to her life's purpose and sunk into semi-depression. Or more like full on depression.
But when she finally faced the coven, nothing they said to her helped or made anything better. In point of fact, what they did to her only reinstated her depression for a while. She was face to face with over a dozen older men and women, looking like a council of executioners rather than a coven of wiccans. They discussed what they viewed as her 'case' and decided that the most fitting punishment was for her to be stripped of her powers.
This is when she stopped, catching the looks of her friends and the gasps they let out. Buffy was the first one to overcome this and looked at Giles, " I thought you said she was only banned from practicing?"
Giles shifted uncomfortably as they all turned to look at them and reached up to pull his glasses from off his nose and pulling a white rag from out of the front pocket of his jacket. "Well, yes," Giles said, avoiding eye contact. " I thought it would be better if you didn't know just yet the full extent of Willow's punishment. You see, it was rather a shock to me too, and I didn't know how you'd al react." Giles finally looked up and smiled at Willow. "Besides, I had a feeling that Willow should be the one to tell you."
Willow hesitated before smiling. One of the things he had been doing lately was returning her responsibility. She had been given chores at his house, and decisions that at first he hadn't let her make. And this was just another in a long line to come; and one of the harder ones.
Willow looked back to her friends. " It was horrible. While I knew that I was going to be.that I deserved to be punished for my actions, I guess I was just a little thrown. I mean, who wouldn't be?" Willow stopped to look at her hands, feeling tears sting her eyes. She took a moment to try and let them dry, then looked back up at her friends, all seeming to be having the same problem she was with an onslaught of tears.
" Well, a little scolding, a few light shows, searing pain, and a pat on the back later, I was back at Giles'." Willow smiles at them all, looking happy for the first time. " Free," she said. " For the first time, I felt free. The magic had been there, tempting me and teasing me. It was suddenly gone and not even going to come back no matter how much I wanted it too. The only thing I regretted was not having the chance to fight myself. Just facing it and turning it down. Showing myself I was strong enough."
" Like a fat person with cake?" Anya said, he voice soft. She was a little bit on overload herself, experiencing emotions that she didn't usually welcome, but it was obvious she cared about Willow. Her words and mind just weren't being as soft as her heart was. " Just say no?" Anya added.
Willow smiled nodding. " Exactly. But what they did was smarter. When there is risk for more than just me, it isn't just my decision anymore. So they took my powers away, and then I came home. I missed it. this. You guys. The gang."
" We missed you too, Will." Xander jumped up then and wrapped her into another bear hug. It wasn't long before it seemed everyone was on top of her, squeezing her happily.
" This part I could have lived without. The no air thing," Willow choked out from underneath her friends. They slowly piled off of her, smiling hysterically. " Well, hugging is okay, it's just when you turn blue that you have to admit you're going too far."
They smiled when Dawn, in all innocence, smiling happily and jumping up and down slightly suddenly crushed the mood by asking, " You ready to move back into your old room?"
Willow's heart seemed to stop at the thought. But she knew she had to, she couldn't sleep downstairs forever, and she had to go in the bedroom sometime, face it, if nothing else. She stood slowly, a lump in her throat the size of her fist and looked at the stairs with trepidation.
" All right. Let's go. Get the bags."
Willow and dawn started to make their way to the stairs and behind her she slightly heard Anya say, " Why do I have to carry a bag? It's not like they took her arms when they took her magic."
Giles voice came next," Anya, do try to and be less-you. Take the smaller one."
" There is no smaller one."
That's the last thing Willow heard before tuning out the voices and just walking arm and arm up the stairs with Dawn.