Heaven Help My Heart
By the Almighty SporkGoddess
I hadn't been planning on doing this. If someone had come up to me a year ago and told me, "Hey, in about a year from now you'll drop out of college and follow your childhood friend around the Earth," I would have called them insane.
If they would have told me then, also, that I'd end up doing it out of sheer will, I would have laughed in their face. But here I was. It's one thing to be forced by your father and government, it's another to do it because you want to. Who in their right mind would want to chase a man who barely gives her the time of day?
Apparently, me.
If it were love I should give that love every second I have
And I do
If I hadn't known better, I would have demanded a DNA test to make sure that martial artist was indeed my childhood friend. The only facet of his personality that reminds me of the boy I played with is his temper, which only got worse and is now accompanied by a gruff voice and fighting skills. Not a good combination, if you ask me.
He tries to push me away. How can I let him? He's experienced so much pain and loss, how can I allow him to cause anymore loss? I nag him not to upset the committee… he doesn't understand. In a way, he's just a little kid. Sometimes I feel like his mother… cleaning up after him, fixing his broken "toy" (namely, Gundam), nagging at him to be a good boy.
Did I know where he'd lead me to?
The thing is… I'm twenty years old. I don't want to act like his babysitter. All my life I've been given responsibility – mostly by my father. Now I have moments where I go back to being that little twelve year old girl who has enough to worry about with the exception of taking care of herself and her widowed patron. I tried too hard then… I wonder if I'm trying too hard now? I worked fervently for my father's love… and now I'm working for his.
Did I plan doing all of this
For the love of a man?
It was complicated enough before I realized I'm attracted to him. I can't even begin to explain all the lies I told myself just to deny that little fact: I did not feel self-conscious when he looked at me. I did not ever wonder what it would feel like if he kissed me. I did not blush if his hand ever brushed mine.
Later on I realized I couldn't deny it, so I made excuses: It's just physical tension. I was just feeling the sting of a hectic end to a serious and wonderful relationship. I was just generally lonely.
Well I let it happen anyhow
And what I'm feeling now
Has no easy explanations
Of course, eventually the excuses stopped. I can't come to terms with my feelings for him yet, though. How can I, if one minute he's telling me to go away and the next he's risking losing everything to save my life? I don't know what he feels for me, but I do know that if anything he's as unsure as I am.
Reason plays no part
Heaven help my heart
But my heart, which has always ignored the screaming of my brain, knows that I care for him. I've had the option to leave him numerous times, and I always end up back by his side.
True, diehard romantics say that love is the feeling that without the person you love, you'll perish. I remember how I'd always look on those girls who'd always depend on their boyfriends with disdain in my adolescence. And now… I fear I might have become one of them.
I love him too much
What if he saw my whole existence
Turning around a word, a smile, a touch?
I'm not a lovestruck teenager, though. I'm a doctor, and a Gundam mechanic. I know Domon has never thought of our relationship as anything more than platonic, so why can't I? It's utterly ridiculous for me to feel this way in such a serious situation. He has other things to worry about. -I- have other things to worry about.
One of these days, and it won't be long,
he'll know more about me
Than he should
And then there's Master Asia - the man who'd taken him away from me to begin with. If he hadn't momentarily disappeared and this whole fiasco with the Devil Gundam hadn't happened, Domon might still be out there with him. He'd still be learning techniques and getting up at the crack of dawn, giving no thought to his family, to what could have been… to me. Would he have been content to just go his entire life without seeing them again except for a few letters? To go his entire life without seeing me again…?
All my dreams will be understood.
No surprise
Nothing more to learn from the look in my eyes
I'd always naively assumed Domon was withdrawn because of the tragedy that had happened lately. It hadn't really occurred to me that to him, I was a stranger. If our reunion hadn't been set up, we most likely wouldn't have even recognized each other. All we had was the remains of a childhood friendship that were jaded by years of separation and the fact that we'd grown apart.
Though I know that time is not my friend
I'll fight it to the end
hoping to keep this best of moments
When the passions start
Seeing him with the man who'd been like a father to him just rubbed that fact in my face. When I heard him laugh, I realized how long it had been since I heard that sound. How can I be in love with him if I haven't even heard him laugh? What are the chances of him feeling the same way if he can't even open up to me?
Heaven help my heart.
The day that I find.
Suddenly I've run out of secrets.
Suddenly I'm not always on his mind
It's stupid to feel jealous of an aging martial arts guru, I know. Although I know I'm not jealous of his relationship with Domon, I'm moreso jealous of the closeness they share. I wish I could be the catalyst of some of the emotions he displayed. Sometimes I even find myself wondering if he'd cry on account of missing me so much.
But then reality kicks in again, and I'm jolted back to Earth. Back to my daily schedule of running around, fixing a Gundam, and going through this emotional rollercoaster.
Back to my mixed emotions.
Maybe it's best to love a stranger
Well that's what I've done—
Heaven help my heart.
Author's Note: Yup, another songfic. I have this penchant of finding ones that just scream out certain characters to me, and this one just had a giant neon sign flashing "RAIN." It's centered around episode 12, as I tried to make apparent… don't you think she seems a bit sad in that episode? I tried to make her as IC as possible. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it. ^_^ It was just something I did for fun (although you can't tell from all the angst XD) The song is from Chess, by the way.