Disclaimer: Mark and Roger belong to the estate of Jonathan Larson. We own only the story and situation and we are making no profit from this piece. The song and title come from the Dashboard Confessional song "Living In Your Letters". Living In Your Letters
by SwoonThunk
There's no need to test my heart with useless space. These roads go on forever, there'll always be a place for you in my heart.
To: roger@totallush.com
From: mcohen@creegencreek.org
Subject: Dork
Roger,
You are a dork. You know that, right? Because we finally start raking in some cash - you and the Total Lush get your record deal, I get picked up as Mr. Creegen's assistant - and we can't even buy two computers. Because "we won't need two". Which made sense at the time. But now you're a half a country away with my laptop and I'm stuck on Joanne's couch using hers just so I can talk to you.
I'm buying you your own when you come home.
Will you be home soon? I miss you.
Love,
Mark
---
To: mcohen@creegencreek.org
From: roger@totallush.com
Subject: Re: Dork
I am not a dork. Your computer wanted me to take it. It likes me better, anyway. We're in Michigan right now. What the fuck is in Michigan, anyway? It doesn't deserve to be a state. Besides, it's way too far away from the city, and from you. I should be home in a month, at the most. Less if I'm lucky.
I miss you too, babe, I'll call you when I get a chance...these fucking schedules are ridiculous.
Love you.
-R
---
To: roger@totallush.com
From: mcohen@creegancreek.org
Subject: Artificial Intelligence?
Since when does my computer communicate with you, let alone tell you it likes you better? See...you are a dork.
Michigan, huh? Sounds...boring, to tell the truth. Hopefully they're not working you too hard and you'll find some time to call me.
How are the shows going? Good crowds?
I can't wait for you to come home. You're going to have one hell of a welcome back party. Consisting of you and me only, of course.
Love,
Mark
---
To: mcohen@creegencreek.org
From: roger@totallush.com
Subject: Party, eh?
I can't wait. It's all I've been thinking about since I left.
The crowds are good. Lots of energy... I think we've made a lot of new fans.
(Also, I think you just don't want to admit that your computer likes me better than you. You're in denial, love.)
Love,
Rog
---
To: roger@totallush.com
From: mcohen@creegencreek.org
Subject: I can't do it.
I can't sleep alone, Roger. It makes my head hurt. All I can think about is how much I miss you. And it's still nearly three more weeks until you get back. The bed is too cold. I just drink a lot of tea and watch old movies and wonder what I'll say to you when I get to work.
I want to call you, but you need your rest. I just can't wait until you get home. Please let it be soon.
Yours,
Mark
---
To: mcohen@creegancreek.org
From: roger@totallush.com
Subject: Re: I can't do it.
I'm sorry, baby. I want to come home. I mean I love getting my music out there...but it would be infinite amounts better if you were with me. Don't torture yourself over this. I'll be home as soon as I can, and you won't have to sleep alone anymore.
I'm going to call you this week. I have monday off, no shows, no recording, no nothing. So we are going to talk.
I can't wait to hear your voice again.
I love you,
R
---
To: roger@totallush.com
From: mcohen@creegancreek.org
Subject: I know.
I know. I'm sorry for making you worry about me. I'm just...I miss you. A lot. And I don't like being here by myself...I never have.
I suppose I should be looking at the bright side. You'll be calling me soon, and I'll get to talk to you for real. And then before we know it, you'll be home.
I still can't help missing you.
Always,
Mark
---
To: mcohen@creegencreek.org
From: roger@totallush.com
Subject: Re: I know.
Don't feel guilty. I miss you too.
Darrin just came into my room, saw that I was on the computer, and left. I think he thinks we have cyber sex or something. He's a weird one.
I'll call you tomorrow. And I miss you more than you know.
Love,
R
---
To: roger@totallush.com
From: mcohen@creegencreek.org
Subject: Darrin
I hope you don't replace me with Darrin while you're gone, love.
(That was, by the way, a joke. :-) See? It's a little happy face!)
It was wonderful to talk to you today. I have a little calendar in our room that I've been marking off the days on. I already called out of work on the day you're to return. Mr. Creegen didn't even ask why. Heh. I guess he knows us too well.
I heard your song on the radio today when I went out to get tea. Every time I hear it I feel so proud of you. The girls in the cafe were flipping out, talking about how hot you were and how you lived right around here somewhere.
Don't replace me with a groupie girl either, m'kay? :-)
Just Kidding Again!
Mark
---
To: mcohen@creegancreek.org
From: roger@totallush.com
Subject: god save me
God save me if I ever even thought about replacing you with anyone, not to mention Darrin.
A calendar? You are too cute. I'm so excited to see you again. It's been way too long, and way too far. (Not to mention I'm horny as hell. :-) See? I can use smiley's too.)
So the girls are after me, huh? You'll have to beat them off with a stick for me.
Love you,
R
---
To: roger@totallush.com
From: mcohen@creegancreek.org
Subject: more like a 2 by 4
I'll need something far more heavy duty than a stick. They're really impressed by you, love. So am I.
It's nice to know you can use smiley's, but I had sort of hoped that comment wasn't a joke. Because if it was, my welcome home party might be a little under appreciated.
Miss and love you,
Mark
---
To: mcohen@creegencreek.org
From: roger@totallush.com
Subject: Party...
It will be appreciated. I can assure you.
Is it still illegal to have sex in airports in NYC? Because if it's not I'm totally for starting the party as soon as we see each other.
I miss the way your hands feel on me when you're trembling so hard that you can't say anything but my name.
need you,
R
---
To: roger@totallush.com
From: mcohen@creegencreek.org
Subject: (no subject)
Uh. Wow. I really hope it's not if that's how you're going to keep talking to me for the next two weeks.
And I miss that too. I miss not being able to think about anything but how much I need you.
(even though I'm still thinking about that now.)
all my love,
Mark
---
To: mcohen@creegancreek.org
From: roger@totallush.com
Subject: I miss...
I miss the way you talk. And the way you mumble when you're drunk. I miss your hair. I miss our bed. I miss you.
I was hoping maybe this would make being far away a little bit easier...turns out it doesn't.
As for the airport, think they'd catch us if we did it behind baggage claim?
Love you more than ever,
R
---
To: roger@totallush.com
From: mcohen@creegancreek.org
Subject: Re: I miss...
I miss hearing you play. I miss taking our showers. I miss my computer.
Just joking, love. I miss you so much, but you already know that.
Baggage claim might be a bit obvious...maybe somewhere a little more cliche? The bathroom?
Why are we discussing where to have sex in an airport?
Love,
Mark
---
To: mcohen@creegencreek.org
From: roger@totallush.com
Subject: Re: I miss...
I miss talking with you face to face. Because even though I can perfectly picture the look on your face when you wrote that last part (lowering your head to rest on your finger tips, laughing slightly, shaking your head heavenward and quirking your lip as you ask the question...) I was to trace it with my fingers again. I want to actually see it and hear that beautiful lilt in your voice that comes when you get so amused or frustrated with me.
(And, for the record, we were discussing it because I don't think I can keep my hands off of you until we get home.)
Thinking of those beautiful eyes,
R
---
To: roger@totallush.com
From: mcohen@creegencreek.org
Subject: Computer
Joanne gave me her laptop. She was tired of me coming over every day after work. I have to give it back when you get home, of course, but it's nice to be able to e-mail you from the privacy of our own bed.
And you got me exactly right, I'm almost ashamed to admit. Right down to the way I tilted my head to the ceiling. I can only hope I know you that well.
yours,
Mark
---
To: mcohen@creegancreek.org
From: roger@totallush.com
Subject: well...
If you have a computer, to yourself, on our bed, why are your letters so...clean? We could have some fun with this.
Just kidding, of course. Unless, that is...you're up for it.
I'm a sick man, Mark. You see? This is what being away from you does to me.
By the way; you do know me that well.
Love you
R
---
To: roger@totallush.com
From: mcohen@creegancreek.org
Subject: so true.
You are a sick man. But I think it's justified, in this situation.
When are you coming home, Roger? I need you here.
Thinking dirty thoughts,
Mark
PS--I'm seriously considering the airport idea. No, really.
---
To: mcohen@creegencreek.org
From: roger@totallush.com
Subject: Not soon enough
I know what you mean about not sleeping, now. I didn't sleep at all last night, just re-read your e-mails and listened to your voice on that fucked up demo tape from last year. And you're such a prick too, yelling at me for not telling you the rules of the studio.
I actually miss the way your nose turns up when you're mad at me.
Twelve days, baby. Just twelve days.
Thinking thoughts twice as dirty,
Roger
PS: I was serious from the get-go. I'm sure I could weasel my way into an office long enough to remember what your skin tastes like.
---
To: roger@totallush.com
From: mcohen@creegencreek.org
Subject: Oh god.
Just what we need, a lawsuit from an airline company after having sex in their manager's office at JFK. I think you're making enough headlines as it is, babe.
You should sleep, Roger. Really, you're going to need your rest because I'm going to put you through a helluva lot when you get home, so you're not going to get any here.
Intrigued by your dirty thoughts,
Mark
---
To: mcohen@creegancreek.org
From: roger@totallush.com
Subject: Don't worry.
Believe me, I don't expect to sleep for days after I get home. I don't expect you to, either. And not all the time has to be spent in bed, either. I mean...there's always the kitchen table, and the couch, and the shower, and the roof...
There's an idea. Can we do it on the roof?
You wish you knew,
R
---
To: roger@totallush.com
From: mcohen@creegancreek.org
Subject: Wow.
You being away so long, I forgot what a thirteen year old boy you can be. Yes, Roger, we can do it on the roof. As long as you promise to let me have my way with you inside, afterwards.
This calendar is getting really colorful. Ten days, Roger. Only ten days until I get to see you again.
I cannot wait.
Oh I do wish,
Mark
PS--I love you.
---
To: mcohen@creegencreek.org
From: roger@totallush.com
Subject: I know.
I know I'm about thirteen when it comes to sex.
I know the time is slipping away so quickly it makes me giddy.
I know that at the same time life is taking forever and slows down even more everything I look at your picture.
I know you love me. And I love you too, more than anything.
feeling emotional,
R
---
To: roger@totallush.com
From: mcohen@creegencreek.org
Subject: Eight!
Almost a week.
I love my emotional Roger. I love my Roger regardless of his mushiness or lack thereof. But I love the way you can weave words into verse like that. It makes me feel beautiful to hear you talk to me like that.
more than anything,
Mark
---
To: mcohen@creegancreek.org
From: roger@totallush.com
Subject: Not my words
Feel beautiful all the time, Mark, because you are. You are beautiful and amazing and perfect and I get to see you in one week. Just one week from today.
For as long as it's been, and as slow as the days have gone, I have a feeling this week will be longer than the whole trip itself.
Missing you,
R
---
To: roger@totallush.com
From: mcohen@creegancreek.org
Subject: You
You are more than I could ever ask for. I feel stupid, you know? Because all I've been thinking about since you left is...you. And I can't help it. Everything I do has something to do with you. Everyone I see looks a little bit like you or has one of your characteristics.
But I'm thinking, this is it. These are the last days. Although they are going slower than I ever thought days could go...
If I close my eyes and pretend, I can feel you holding me. I can't wait until I don't have to pretend anymore.
Love,
Mark
---
To: mcohen@creegencreek.org
From: roger@totallush.com
Subject: Damn you.
That was beautiful. Just like you. And of course I had to read it just before going on stage. I tried to sing that new song, "Your Winter" and nearly broke down on stage. All I could think about was you and how much this must be killing you. Because it has to be at least as hard on you as it is on me.
I dream of you holding me and touching me every night. I want to wake from the dream in your arms, love.
yours,
R
---
To: roger@totallush.com
From: mcohen@creegencreek.org
Subject: Nervous
I know I shouldn't be... but I miss you so much and I can't help but be so anxious at your arrival. I know that you love me but I can't place the origin of the nerves in my stomach. Will I be all that you remember me to be? Will I be able to love you the way you need to be loved?
I want to touch you. Just for a moment. Just to remember that you're really there.
desperately missing you,
Mark
---
To: mcohen@creegancreek.org
From: roger@totallush.com
Subject: Stop.
Stop it. Just stop. You could not possibly disappoint me. Mark, you are all I have wanted for almost 3 years. I have loved you practically my whole life. There is no way you could love me 'incorrectly'.
Don't be nervous, baby. I can't wait to feel your arms around me.
God...I miss you.
R
---
To: roger@totallush.com
From: mcohen@creegancreek.org
Subject: Re: Stop.
I know. I'm sorry, I get anxious. I've been waiting for this for so long...and now it's actually going to happen. In four days, I will be able to touch you and kiss you and make love to you and I absolutely cannot wait.
I want to feel you inside me. And I'm not trying to be dirty or horny or anything of the sort. I just miss it...I miss you. And I want to feel you again.
All my love,
Mark
---
To: mcohen@creegencreek.org
From: roger@totallush.com
Subject: i love you
I don't know how much more of this I can take. I think I understand why so many rock stars sleep with groupies. I'm driving myself crazy trying to remember what touching you feels like, but the only person here is me and it doesn't feel half as good when you're not doing it.
Don't worry, love. I don't plan on hopping in the sack with anyone besides you. It just wouldn't be right. It wouldn't feel right. It wouldn't be the same because I could never love them the way I love you.
72 hours, lovely,
R
---
To: roger@totallush.com
From: mcohen@creegencreek.org
Subject: Re: i love you
Now it's only 60 hours. Each one goes by slower than the last. I tried to distract myself by watching one hour snippits of 60 different rolls of film, but seeing you on screen just makes it ache more.
I'm going with you next time. I don't care what the fucking manager says. I can't take this. I can't not be with you.
love you,
Mark
---
To: mcohen@creegancreek.org
From: roger@totallush.com
Subject: Re: i love you
If I have anything to say, I'll never be leaving the city again. This was a bad idea. I never should have gone. I should have known I couldn't spend this much time away from you. It was a terrible idea, and I don't think it was worth it.
47 hours, beautiful. In 47 hours I will see you for the first time in 3 months. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.
I'm going out of my mind without you.
So much love,
R
---
To: roger@totallush.com
From: mcohen@creegancreek.org
Subject: One day.
At this time tomorrow, we'll be together. I'm listening to your cd and looking at pictures of you and it hurts. It hurts so, so, much. Even though I know I'll see you tomorrow. God, that's weird to say. I'll see you tomorrow...
I love you.
Mark
PS--I'll see you tomorrow.
---
To: mcohen@creegencreek.org
From: roger@totallush.com
Subject: Flying
I'm on the plane. Just a few hours, baby. I can barely contain myself. I'm snapping at Darrin, Ira, and Blake. I can't sit still, I can't sleep, I can't do anything but think of how much I love you and how much I miss you. I'm counting down the seconds until we land in JFK. I know you're probably already there, waiting for me.
I think I may cry when I touch you.
today, love,
R
---
To: roger@totallush.com
From: mcohen@creegencreek.org
Subject: Re: Flying
I bought the fucking laptop with me to the airport, just so I wouldn't miss a second of you.
I think I might cry too.
love,
me
---
To: mcohen@creegancreek.org
From: roger@totallush.com
Subject: (no subject)
I know you won't get this until we're together again. And I know I'm probably somewhere close by as you read this.
Kiss me.
.end.