Title: Crossroads: Out of Reach (Part One)
Series: Gundam Wing
Pairings: 1+3, 3+4+3, various others
Category: Angst, Heero's POV, songfic
Warnings: Shounen-ai
Disclaimer: The song "Out of Reach" is owned by Gabrielle. Also, I don't own GW and its characters.
Author's Notes: Duo's a nice best friend here. I love him like that, so don't attach any meaning to his agendas ^_~ And this one isn't dedicated for Quatre-bashings — don't get me wrong, I love the boy ^_^ It just so happens that he gets mixed up with the conflicts here.

If you see any screw-ups, hell, don't flame me ^_^ This was just a product of my playful fancies.

// --lyrics-- \\

"Crossroads: Out of Reach"
by Fall

Part One

// Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you \\

I had often scoffed at Maxwell's insane idea that Trowa is having an affair with that blond-haired weakling behind my back. Back then, all he would get from me is a death-glare to silence him at least for some time (he will be, until he thinks of a new way to broach the subject, that is). At times, he would get a mutter or two out of me, saying that either he'll quit or he'll risk seeing me cut and use his beloved braid as a gag for his ever-babbling mouth. He would fall silent for a longer duration with that.

I should have thought twice and believed him. All the evidences have been quite spread vividly around me, and yet I played the role of the blind lover. I trusted Trowa too much; too much to neglect the signs that Quatre's taking over my place.

Not that I never trusted Trowa when he swore to me that I am his "only" love, and that whatever had transpired between him and Quatre was "definitely" over. They're just best friends now, he told me that. And I trusted him. I trusted him so much that I willingly closed both eyes and ears.

Maybe that's the problem. I trusted him too much. Even when I noticed that Quatre's blushing whenever Trowa looks at him.

To be fair, he had a right to in the first place. It was during our time in the Peacemillion when they informed us of it. I wasn't too happy, yet I felt that it was what Trowa had deserved. Everybody claims that they were the most perfect pair they've ever seen. For my part, I've never seen Trowa so happy and contented with his life.

They just fell out of love one day. Something to do with Quatre's need to think alone by himself. Trowa came to me one night and confessed in his own way, that he had felt that more than hormones had made him take me that one time on a mission. In other words, he loved me. I had always felt the same thing, and I had loved him even when he and Quatre were still a couple. After telling him that the feeling's mutual, we made love then. We never announced to the world that we were a couple; the others just sort of got the hint. No, we do not publicly display or what, they just sort of noticed, that's all.

Back then, I should have realized that it was barely a month after he and that blue-green eyed boy split. It was such a short time to feel anything for someone so soon. Anyone else could have noticed that. Anyone else but a lovesick fool that I was.

He was so sweet and loving that I couldn't help but come out of my Gundanium-core-silence-shell. He changed me in a way that no other person has. Now I wish I hadn't succumbed to his charms.

// And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you? \\

My best friend had tried to shield me from further harm by telling me all that his nose smells. In Duo's case, his nose (a figurative word that best describes intuition in his terms) serves as his radar, and his tongue, the transmitter. If I had considered his words, this might not have been the case.

Wondering what "this" is? Heck, I only saw my koi kissing with his ex. *That* is what *this* is all about.

Just three hours ago, I went back to our shared house (We all live there, except for Relena. She lives alone in her huge estate and comes to visit us during the weekends.). I forgot to bring my latest reports to work, and today's the deadline. It has never happened before. Shaking my head, I blamed it to last night's rendezvous with Trowa. With a smile playing at the corners of my mouth, I slipped in through the front door as quietly as possible, remembering that Quatre is home, resting from a severe headache. I swiftly went past the other rooms and reached my shared room with Trowa at the end of the hallway. Quickly gathering my papers, I started to walk past the other rooms again.

This time, I noticed that Quatre's room was slightly ajar.

Remember me saying that Trowa had changed some things in me? Well I've developed this thing that makes me show my concern openly. So saying, I decided to close the door noiselessly so as not to disturb his rest, out of this notion that he might catch cold with the draft.

Everything was plain clear to my eyes: as I stepped closer to the door, I heard moans and saw to my utter disbelief, a very un-sick Quatre leaning over a surrendering Trowa, kissing him with as much passion as if he had always yearned for him.

Damn that blond! Damn myself for staying glued on the spot, doing nothing but clench my fists and walking away, as quietly as I'd entered.

Dammit! I slammed my fist on the table. I —

"Heero, you can't kill that," A familiar voice said. "It's wood. How could anyone kill wood?" He added wryly.

"Would you like me to kill you instead?" I asked calmly, knowing that he wouldn't take that seriously.

"Maybe you should just go ahead and kill the wood." He told me cheerfully. See? I told you he wouldn't take that seriously. Not Duo.

"Maxwell, you may be my best friend next to my gun, but one more corny joke and I shall be very happy to eliminate you with your braid."

He gulped. That was answer enough.

"You're too much jumpy, Hee—uh I mean Heero," A glare from me made him swallow the pending disgusting pet name. "Maybe it's your stomach. I always growl when my stomach's empty."

"You never growl, Maxwell. You babble." I pointed out.

"So what? Anyway, it's lunchtime. Everyone needs to eat," he said. "Even people like you."

"Hn." How could I have an appetite after seeing my beloved smooching with his ex?

"I take it as a yes." Duo grabbed my hand and practically dragged me out of the room.

"Maxwell?" I started to ask him slowly.

"Yes Hee-chan?"

Damn that stupid name!

"Go to hell." I muttered.

"We are going to hell," he stated glumly, after seeing what's for lunch at the Preventers cafeteria. "We are damn going to die after eating poison, and I'm absolutely sure we go to hell after eliminating the cook for it."

"…" Was all I could say, looking at the burnt meat with distaste. I was never one for the taste of my food, but today…well…Maxwell does have a point.

// Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be \\

I'm no martyr. But if there's anyone who'd been hurt in their love and never knew what to do, it's me. I'd been trained for many things, but this isn't one of them. I now wish that I knew what to do.

Heck, maybe this is why Trowa went back to Quatre. Maybe he couldn't stand the way things are turning for us. Maybe he never liked the way I am. With Quatre, he knew life. He felt emotions. He was turned from the dark shadows that had been his life.

I can never offer him that.

With me came those reminders of the childhood we both lost, of the punishments we had to take for the war, the cold days of loneliness.

I never thought I'd see the day that my past will bring its toll in my present life.

But then again, isn't it the very reason why we got attracted to each other? Because only we could identify what the other has gone through? Because no matter what we do, we can never erase the scars of yesterday and offer ourselves unscathed to any other person?

Or is it the very reason why Trowa never *truly* gave his heart to me?

// Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK \\

This is my third day at the office, typing frantically like I've never done before.

Occasionally, heads would pop in every minute of the day, either to remind me of some things, or just to hang around. Luckily, I have the room all to myself — Une gave me the privilege out of experience, I guess. Don't ask.

"Staying up late for advance paper works?"

"Une." I acknowledged her presence, without looking.

"Well if you aren't, I just thought you might like a ride. It's raining, and it's all in my way, you know."

This was the third time I heard that line today. It has been raining the whole day. The first advice I got from Trowa (no, I've never told him that I know the truth), who was quite silent and brooding when he entered my office. The next was Duo, who was harder to quench.

And now, Une.

"No thanks."

"Are you sure?"

"I have an umbrella." I lied.

"Okay. Just don't tell me it's my fault when Trowa demands why you are sopping wet tonight," Une laughs. "By the way, where is he? It isn't like him, you know." Pointedly.

Damn Une. I know she knows something by that tone of her voice. Well, she won't get it.

"I sent him home."

"Oh. Well then, see you later." Une said, as adept to this game as I was.

"Hn." I grunted.

I waited till I heard her footsteps die down the hallway. Then I turned off my laptop, and left the room.

So much for wanting to drown yourself in work.

// But I was
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you? \\

I walked in the rain.

I let myself walk all the way to our house, because I wanted plenty of time to think. I walked as I fumed; I walked as I cried. I walked as I let all the steam choke me now.

It's been three days since I saw that kiss. And nothing's the same for me.

I never told Trowa. I figured he wanted time to tell me himself, to find the right time to break off with me. But for damnation's sake, I would have preferred to be told, than knowing the truth while still being led on.

Damn.

All these tears had been wasted for my foolishness. Why did I ever fall for him? He knows how much I love him. He knows damn too well. I gave everything I could offer and even some things that I never knew I could offer to anyone.

And now all these are just lies to my eyes. My trust is too fragile; I don't trust too easily, but when I do, I trust completely without question. He lied to me. The trust he'd instilled in me now lies broken in these tears that mingled with rain. The tears he'd wrought out of me.

I remember all those days we'd spent, the nights we'd made love...but no. I don't remember him having told me once that he loves me. Not even once. But then, they say actions speaks louder than words...right?

The house came into my view. I dreaded to enter it again, and face his emerald eyes that seemed to say he's innocent despite all I saw.

Trowa...did you ever love me?

// So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes a while
To regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time,
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you \\

By the time I reached the outskirts of the huge house, I was soaking wet down to my shoes (heck, I walked all the way, remember?) So I decided that instead of ruining Noin's best rug tonight, I might as well enter through the back door. Though Trowa might be waiting for me there, I can handle it much better than all the girls shrieking at me.

It was a good thing that I knew when there are people before I reached my destination.

Duo and Wufei came out of the back door and sat upon the chairs by the porch. Maxwell seems to be chuckling about something, while Wufei just offers a companionable grunt or two.

"It *is* a good thing that Yuy's not here," Duo chuckled. "He might have given Mr. Reginald-I'm-Too-Good-For-You a scare."

"Yeah," Wufei agreed. "Heero might have showed him his place."

To be able to understand what the hell they're talking about, allow me to give you some hints. For the past months that she'd been living with us, Dorothy was seized with this idea that she too *must* have her own lover. Living in a house wherein everyone has his/her significant other (well, except for Une and Quatre — correction, except for Une and me), nobody can blame her. And so as fast as one potential suitor is criticized and turned down by the family (we refer to ourselves as "family"), a new one was brought forth with as much alacrity by the instigator as when she first brought the first "victim".

Dorothy manages to do that when I'm safely out of the house, for the last time I interrogated one man, he ran out of the house when I told him I formerly killed people for a profession. In a matter of fact way.

I don't see the need, although Trowa later told me that it isn't very "common" to hear people say that, especially when I added that I killed without remorse.

Damn. I keep on remembering Trowa.

Since I can't enter through the front door, I'll just have to use the back door, though I was quite at a lost as to how to escape Duo and Wufei's inquiries.

"Speaking of Yuy," Wufei lowered his voice. "Have you told him yet?"

My head snapped up at that.

"Like hell I try to!" Duo hissed. "I tell him almost every chance I get, and only he knows why I'm *still* alive today."

That one.

"No wonder he doesn't believe you," Wufei snorted. "You got to be serious for once, Maxwell."

It isn't Duo's fault, Wufei. It's mine.

"Why don't you try telling him, Mr. Know-It-All?" Duo challenged. "What am I supposed to tell my best friend? 'Heero, Trowa's been cheating on you, and its Quatre' . It's not *that* easy to do, Fei."

"It's better than letting him be made a fool you know."

Friends. Why don't they just tell me frankly. Are they afraid I'll kill Quatre Raberba Winner on the spot? Hah. Good idea.

"I know, Fei, I know!" Duo seems to be at his wits' end. "But Trowa and Quatre are my friends too."

"This is injustice, Maxwell." Wufei argued, "I'm telling you —"

There was a knock, then the door was slightly opened. Trowa.

"Sorry for interrupting you, but has Heero arrived yet?"

The two were very much the picture of guilt. From the looks of Trowa, one might think he never heard of the conversation. But trust me, he did. And the others knew that.

"Gee, Trowa. What a surprise." Duo tried to smile weakly.

"No, Trowa. Haven't seen him yet." Wufei said, while pulling Duo's braid. "See you later."

This was too much. So all this time it was known by the whole household, and worst, I looked like a fool. Lovely, Heero. Just lovely. My eyes narrowed. Wait till they feel the wrath of Heero Yuy.

I'll play along with them alright. Till they regret what have been done.

// But now I'm
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you? \\

I never entered the house till I was sure that they're all asleep. Slowly I made my way to our room. Tomorrow, I swear I'll move out of this damn room.

"You're home."

I closed the door quietly. Then I faced him. "I am."

"Your clothes are wet." His hands were on my body now, trying to remove my still-wet clothes. I resisted the urge to pull him to me.

When he kissed me, I felt like melting in his arms, that there's nothing wrong between us. I don't know why, but an image flashed in my mind that replaced my desire with disgust. The image of Quatre kissing him like this. Hell, he might have been kissing him before me.

I pushed him away.

"I need to go to sleep."

Something flashed in his eyes. But I was too tired to comprehend its meaning, and so I went to the bathroom, half-dressed, to change into bedclothes. And to think alone. Again.

When I came back, he was still standing where I left him. He looked up when I entered the room.

"Heero," he murmured. "Ai shiteru."

Blast those words! Its too late, Trowa. All I can think of now is how crap it sounds to my ears, how vile your presence is to my eyes. Shit! You would have ruined my life. But everything's over now. Everything's over.

"Good night, Trowa."

I turned my back on him and climbed our bed. Tomorrow, I wouldn't sleep in here anymore.

It was sometime before he took his place beside me. He never tried to talk to me, since my back was turned from him. This will be the longest night of my life.

// Out of reach,
So far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there
For me \\

I can't sleep.

I wonder how many people could afford to sleep with the knowledge that they are in bed with the love of their life, yet they aren't the love of *his* life. Damn.

I shifted slightly to face him. Trowa looks so wonderful even when he's asleep. I longed to brush the hair off his forehead; I longed to claim what I thought I owned. When my lips brushed with his, I felt as if nothing could take him away from me.

Then I remembered that he never gave me his heart.

Slowly, I pulled away, and rose from the bed. The window seemed inviting enough; I went and stayed there, feeling that my thoughts are much clearer when I'm alone. Various emotions took their will to surround me and lingered in my chest. This wasn't the first time I was betrayed. But this was the first time that I felt what it's like to be betrayed by the one person whose betrayal means the death of me.

Physical pain is nothing compared to what I'm going through now. If this is how it feels to be hurt by love, then I do not think I'll commit the same mistake again.

I'll make the decision easier for him. It doesn't matter what he thinks or what others think. Hell, he might have been looking for the perfect time to break up with me. He's taking me for a love struck fool if that was true.

But no. I wouldn't give Trowa the satisfaction of seeing me hurt over this. Come hell or high water, I'll show them what a perfect soldier is capable of. No emotions, stoic words, and cold eyes.

And tomorrow, Trowa will wake up to the sight of an empty space beside him.

Not even he could lift this mask that I'm weaving tonight.

He'll see I can get on without any emotions.

Just the way it used to be.

- End Part One

TBC