Title: Crossroads: Seperate Lives (Part Three)
Series: Gundam Wing
Pairings: 1+3, mention of 5+S
Category: Angst, Heero's POV, songfic
Warnings: Language, angst, and angst, shounen-ai
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply. The song is by Phil Collins.
Author's Notes: Part 3. At last. =) This part has been sitting for awhile now in my files, waiting to be finished. Dunno what prompted me to finish this, as I'd been stuck in lurkdom for ages. Lyrics had been adjusted to jive with the storyline. Anyway, all C&Cs are welcome.

Dedication: With a buttercup hug to Dim Genesis, the one who always asked when I would write part 3. I feel loved, really ^_^

Date finished: 05 April 2002

/--denotes lyrics--/

"Crossroads -- Separate Lives"
by Fall

- Part Three -

/ ... And that you miss me sometimes
When you're alone in your room
Do I feel lonely too? /

There are times when the reality of being alone strikes me. All my life I've denied all emotions, pretended not to feel and want them, had always ran away when the first prickle touches me. I forced myself to believe that I can live without any feelings, that practicality was more important than the various signals that the brain sends all over your body. I built a wall that shielded me from it.

Because I was afraid to get hurt in the end.

Dr. J taught me that emotions only drains the capacity of a soldier to fight without remorse. Emotions can drive you out of your system, render you useless, frightened. Being the perfect soldier, I obeyed my superior and closed both my eyes and my heart.

Because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't.

When Relena first announced that she liked me, I was confused. My first impulse was to get stiff and cold. I tried to run away, to go and ignore her. I never felt more than friendship for her, which I later learned, but what she'd done had somehow shaken what I'd firmly built. She made a crack in my shield. She made me wonder what warmth is like.

/ ... I can't go on holding onto ties
Now that we're living separate lives /

Then came Trowa.

My hardened resolve crashed down fully on my head when I met him. Slowly but surely. Each day the crack grew wider, till I started to wonder how it would feel to have someone to love, someone whom I can call my own. And how pleasant it would be if that someone loved me back. Then my wall fell and left me at the mercy of my deepest fear.

I was afraid of love.

I never wanted to feel it, was afraid that I didn't know what to feel. That I have no idea how it works. I trembled to think of love for I was never trained for it. And after seeing what happened to Une when Treize died, I forced myself to remember that I'll *never* fall in love. I have a heart of stone, more mechanical than human. Emotions are only a nuisance, fictional, irrational, and useless. It's just something as fleeting and temporary as a wound. Or a hunch. It would only take my precious time from me, and I have barely enough for myself.

And now look at me.

The day that we talked in Une's office, our relationship was technically over. I'm back to square one, all alone and resentful. If I really did have any emotion hidden deep in the recesses of my being, it must have retracted back to nothingness. Gone into oblivion, and the wall had appeared again, ten times stronger than before.

But why do I feel a sting when I see the others happy with their loved ones?

/ I held on to let you go
And if you lost your love for me
You never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now we're living separate lives /

I never want to fall in love again.

The last time I did, I abandoned myself fully to this emotion. And look where I am now. Ditched right under my nose, and I couldn't even do anything about it.

Seven months. We've often quarreled, and some even led to short-time break ups. But this time, it's for real. Trowa is gone from me. He's not mine anymore. And I'm still weaning myself from him.

I still love him, even if he never loved me.

/ Oh, it's so typical
Love leads to isolation
So you build that wall
And you make it stronger /

Glaring at the monitor, I viciously typed, my fingers hitting the keys hard. I tried to pry my mind from useless moaning, and instead do something more productive. A vision of Trowa appeared on the monitor, and I slammed my fists hard on the keys.

Damn.

"Hey, is it 'kay if I come in?"

Maxwell. He never knows when to knock. "Have you ever heard the term, 'knock'?" I muttered, trying to ignore the fact that he saw every resentment I felt. I've always denied that I was affected with the break-up. Rule number one in being the perfect soldier: *Never* show your weaknesses to anyone. I'm not saying that he will tell what he knows, but Duo's the kind of friend who can never refuse anyone anything, so to speak. It's better to play it safe than sorry.

"What's the use when we both know that you'll let me in 'neway," he said cheerfully, as he crossed the distance to my desk. "Jeez, Heero, you're not serious about burying yourself in work, are ya?" he groaned, as he picked up a few folders and examined the contents.

"Maxwell, I'm too busy for your whining." I said coldly.

"And I thought Fei was the grumpy bear," Duo said gravely. Now that caught my attention and involuntarily squeezed a tiny hint of a grin from me. I looked up in dismay to see him smirk.

"Hn." I tried to repress the twinkling of my eyes as I remembered the past. Duo loved it best when he gets to tease everyone in the house, he says it was what keeps us from getting too serious. Everyone is a constant victim, and we never know when Shinigami strikes and who will be the next unfortunate victim. Once, he put into his head to play a trick on us all one Monday morning. He said he tried to test the theory that people are more grumpier on Monday mornings than any other given morning. I have no idea where he got that idea, but he did try his theory. He was into it with Dorothy, and the two had a grand and irritating time. Meaning, most of us proved him right, specially Wufei.

Now, Fei had this habit of staying longer in the bathroom than necessary. He called it meditating; Maxwell said it was sleeping under the showers. Nevertheless, the two rascals prevented him from his 'meditation', by turning off the water heater, therefore giving him a cold shower. So to speak, Fei stalked out of the bathroom naked, with only a towel wrapped around his lower parts, and precipitately hunted Duo on the spot. Sally could only smile wryly, as she talked Fei out of strangling Maxwell. After that, peace reigned inside the house for weeks, especially since Fei was always on alert mode, and Shinigami declared that he was retiring early from his prankster job.

An amused voice broke into my thoughts. "See? I thought you needed some company to lighten your mood," Duo grinned, as he collected all the folders on my desk. "You've been way too serious lately, Yuy."

"Hn."

"You know, it isn't good for your health to live in total isolation," he said seriously. "I bet if you're still with Trowa, he wouldn't have let you kill yourself with work."

Involuntarily, I drew in a sharp breath.

"What do you know about it?" I challenged him, shifting to the all-conquering-Yuy mode as a cover up for my emotional slip. He was smirking, I can feel it, so I did not dare to look up and confirm my guess. I fixed my gaze at the sea of words before me, waiting for his now-familiar "Caught you, now c'mon and 'fess" line.

It never came. Instead, I heard the rustle of folders being settled down and the sigh that prompted me to look up. Duo, as I know of him, has never looked this dead serious except that one time when he told me I was being selfish by being the Perfect Soldier when it's not even needed. I had the sudden thought that I'd hear what I'd been fearing to know: the truth.

"Ah yes, the typical thing a Perfect Soldier would counter to cover up his emotions," He told me flatly. "You know Heero, I understand that you're confused in dealing with the pain you're going through and all, but what I can't understand is *why* you can't admit that you're suffering and that you still love Trowa."

Silence. His violet eyes glaring seriously at me, daring me to speak what his words, if not his eyes, had stirred in me. But what could I say? He'd already summed up what's been consuming me for the past seven months. What had made me build this wall of isolation around me.

"Will it always be like this? Hiding from all those emotions that marked you with the pain that made you human? Think about it, Heero, before you use your wall in crushing everyone around who only meant to be of help to a friend."

I was stricken. I think he knew that too, as he just shook his head gently, giving me a little sympathetic smile and left.

/ You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
Someday I might
Find myself looking in your eyes
But for now we'll go on living
Separate lives /

What Duo had told me this afternoon made the desired impact its owner had hoped to make in me. Yes, I know I'm still reeling from the break-up, and that I am aware that I still love Trowa. But I had no idea that I'd been unconsciously making people uneasy, barring them with this wall that was meant for another. All this time I thought I was protecting myself from needless sympathies and worthless words. From their useless prying into my private life. I was afraid they'd laugh at me, ridicule me for the love struck fool that I was.

And there I was wrong.

I uttered a sigh that could have startled anyone who hears me, sighing being one of those things they never thought I would do.

"Heero?"

I stopped dead in my tracks, unable to decide whether to look at the source of the voice ... or to run away from it. Not waiting for an answer, he continued softly. "How are you?"

The second option sounds pathetic, but that doesn't mean I'd go with the other. There's still another choice. I can stay rooted to the spot, never whirling around, never uttering a sound. Which I did.

"Of course, I shouldn't be asking you that ... after what happened." He faltered. "But then, Heero ..." A hitch to his voice. "... is everything alright?"

A hiss escaped me. "Why Trowa? Feeling guilty all of a sudden?" I savored the bitter moment when I heard him gasp. Funny, but even as angry as I felt, I decided not to look at him. I feared I won't be able to stand my ground and run from him if I see those emerald eyes again.

"I do not cry at night nor do I pine away for you, if that's what you wanted to know." I calmly said as I started to walk away. Then, as if I just remembered it, I whirled around to face him and added, "Please tell your new lover he need not fear because I don't need you back."

If it was his turn to stay rooted to his spot, I didn't get to know. I was more intent on silently seething and getting the hell out of here. Damn you Trowa. How *can* you speak kindly to me like that, asking how I am? I didn't know you can be so insensitive. Once again, the wall shattered before you, and yet, you never gave a damn about it.

Gingerly, I brought up my hand to wipe away the tears that marked down my chin -- the few drops that fell when I faced him to add how I didn't need him back in my life.

Which was one huge fucking lie.

/ Yes, for now we'll go on living
Separate lives /

- End Part Three

TBC