THREE
The diner was unusually empty that day. Buffy didn't mind, because she was
tired of working. She was sitting in a booth, looking out of the window,
looking at the people passing by, feeling sorry for herself. Her
self-depreciating thoughts were interrupted by a soft melody emitting from
the small wireless radio Miranda had decided to switch on.
'I'm only hearing negative , no , no, no , bad…
So I turned the radio on, turn the radio up
And this woman was singing my song…'
Buffy tossed a sideways glance to Miranda, who was mindlessly tapping her
feet to the rhythm while wiping the counter for the hundred and tenth time.
Buffy rested her chin on her hand and turned back to the window.
'Lovers in love and the other's run away
Lover is crying 'cos the other won't stay…'
She wasn't quite paying attention to the music, but somehow she managed to
catch the phrase - it sounded very much like the story of her life. She
pondered this for a moment, and wondered if it were a coincidence.
'You said that I was naïve - I thought that I was strong
I thought 'Hey I could leave, I could leave' , oh
But now I know that I did something wrong ,
'cos I missed you… yeah , I missed you…'
Buffy lifted her head and called out to Miranda. "Could you off that thing
please?"
Miranda stopped her continuous wiping and stared at Buffy. "Why?"
The slayer shrugged her shoulders. "It's giving me a headache." The last
thing she needed right now was a theme song. Miranda rolled her eyes and
turned the radio off.
"You know, the way I see it , you could just sit there moping, or you could
come over here, make yourself useful, and help me clean this counter."
Miranda rinsed the cloth she was holding under the tap, and then proceeded
to wipe the counter again.
"I think the counter got clean after the first one hundred times you wiped
it," Buffy shot back, "And who said I was moping?"
"You looked as if someone shot your puppy."
Xander had the nicest puppy-dog eyes, Buffy thought. She shook her head.
Every thought she had seemed to revolve around him. "I'm just feeling under
the weather."
"I never knew someone could be under the weather for weeks."
"You've never met me then."
Miranda put her cloth down and walked over to the booth Buffy was occupying.
She took a seat opposite the young blonde and put her hands firmly on the
table. "You're going to tell me what's bothering you. Now."
"Demanding much?" Buffy said, before looking out of the window.
"I prefer the term concerned."
"Look - I told you before … you wouldn't understand." Buffy replied
monotonously. "Nobody understands me." Except Xander, she thought. But she
had to sleep with him and then run. Wonderful.
"I've been on this Earth for fifty-two years - chances are I'd understand
what you're going through." Miranda answered slowly. Her eyes softened as
she looked at this young woman staring blankly out the window. "What's he
like?"
Buffy laughed casually. "What's who like?"
"The boy you're thinking about. What's he like?"
"Who said I'm thinking about a boy?" Buffy shot back defensively.
"I repeat - I've been on this Earth for fifty-two years. I have three
daughters. I think I know the 'what a cute boy' look when I see it,"
answered Miranda with a tiny smile on her wrinkled face.
Buffy sighed. There was no getting past this seasoned veteran of life. "Well
… he's … nice."
"Nice is a four letter word, Buffy."
The slayer allowed herself to giggle. "Yeah, but he really is. He's sweet,
caring, understanding …" She looked up as she heard the soft tinkle of the
bell. "… and he just walked in." Her voice wavered slightly as she spoke.
Miranda stretched her neck to see who Buffy was talking about, and indeed
there stood Xander at the entrance of the diner, looking around. "Ooh.
Cute."
Buffy wondered if it was a good idea to make herself seen. She didn't know
if she could handle seeing him now. She didn't know if she could see him -
ever. Maybe she could crawl under the table and he would go away. She
narrowed her eyes and slinked her back down the seat, hoping that he
wouldn't notice.
This movement, however, did not escape Miranda's active eyes. A small
mischievous grin formed on her lips as she leaned forward, exclaiming
loudly. "Buffy! Whatever are you doing?"
Xander spun around at the mention of Buffy's name. He spotted her in the
corner booth and walked slowly towards her, hands in his pocket. Buffy
silently cursed Miranda and told her she would kill her entire family.
Miranda merely gave Buffy an innocent look and shook her head slightly.
"Hey." Xander greeted the friend he had not seen for months. He nodded at
Miranda and turned back to Buffy.
"Hi," she answered slowly, before gesturing to Miranda. "This is Miranda."
"Hello." Miranda got up and shook Xander's hand. "If you'll excuse me, I
have to clean the counter." She walked to the counter , turning back once to
wink at Buffy, laughing to herself as she picked up her cloth and started
working on the counter again.
An awkward silence filled the air between Buffy and Xander. He took a seat
opposite her, and opened his mouth as if to speak, only to close it shut
after two seconds. Buffy decided to break the silence. "How did you find
me?"
He gave her a classic Xander-smile before he answered. "Let's just say your
mother can't keep a secret." Buffy briefly remembered the letter she wrote
to her mother. "You have no idea how many diners there are in this town. It
took me two days to find this joint… and let me tell you that the Waterfall
Motel is not as comfortable as it sounds."
They were talking as if nothing ever happened that night, and Buffy
couldn't stand it. There were so many things she wanted to tell him - so
many things she wanted to explain … but she couldn't. She just looked at
him, staring deep into his dark brown eyes.
Xander paused before continuing. "So… was I that bad in bed that you had to
skip town?"
Buffy raised an eyebrow as she looked at him. It was just so like Xander -
treating everything as it if were a joke. She didn't smile. "I needed some …
time away. That's all."
"You didn't have to leave town." Xander replied as-a-matter-of-factly. "You
could have told me. I would have given you space."
"I don't know." She looked down. "Maybe I needed more … physical space …
instead of just emotional."
Xander toyed with the salt and pepper shakers absent-mindedly as he spoke.
"Are you angry at me? Because … I …" He swallowed before continuing. "… took
advantage of you."
"No." Her words came out quicker than she had expected them to. "You didn't
take advantage of me. There were two of us there… I have as much to do with
this as you."
He put down the shakers. He looked down at his hands. "I don't… it's … I
shouldn't have. Whatever it is, I shouldn't have done that. You were … you
needed a friend … and I … I'm sorry." He looked at her deeply. "I'm sorry."
Buffy placed her hand on his. "It's not your fault."
He glanced at her hand and then back at her beautiful face. "Come home with
me. We can work this out. Please. This past few months … I've … it's been
terrible without you. I don't think I could bear it anymore if you don't
come back with me."
"Xander… I can't. Not now."
"Why?"
"I need time. What happened between us … we can't go back to the way we
were. We can't pretend this didn't happen." Buffy spoke sadly. "And I don't
want to hurt myself .. or you … anymore that I have to."
"We don't have to go back … we could start anew. Make things up as we go
along." Xander gave her a weak attempt at a smile. "I could … I could take
care of you. I mean, I'll try. We could try."
"I don't think so." Buffy didn't know why she lied. She wanted this as much
as Xander… and yet she refused to show it. She loved him so much that she
didn't want to lose him. No matter how wonderful he was - to enter a
relationship with him … it had its risks and she didn't want to risk him.
Maybe it would better if she just stayed friends … she would never lose him
that way… or would she, especially what she had done? She needed more time -
and she couldn't think straight with Xander staring at her with those sad,
eyes. "Go home Xander."
"Not without you."
"Don't you understand?" Buffy felt her tone getting sharper. Tough love.
She found it incredibly difficult to utter the following words. "I can't …
be with you. I don't want to." She felt terrible - she was lying to him and
she was lying to herself. She never understood it - but it was her reflex to
lie , or run away whenever she found herself in a situation she could not
comprehend.
His brown eyes seemed to turn darker after hearing those words. He looked
confused, and hurt. "What about this, then?" His voice rose all of a sudden,
as he whipped out something and slammed it on the table. It was Buffy's
cross. "What the hell is this about?"
Buffy looked at the cross carefully. She had given this to him that
morning. She made no attempt to reach out for it. "I gave that to you
because … I didn't want you to … forget me." It was the most truthful thing
she had said during this whole conversation.
"You don't want me to forget you, but you don't want to be with me - I'm
confused. Help me out here, because I keep getting mixed signals." His voice
was still loud, and Miranda looked in their direction. "Or you know what, I
don't really care. I can't waste my life trying to figure you out."
He stood up. "Keep your cross. I don't want it anymore."
"Xander…" Buffy pleaded with him.
Xander merely waved his hand and walked out of the diner.
Buffy made no effort to follow him. She slumped back in her seat and gazed
at him through the window, before his figure finally disappeared. She
couldn't understand the mess she was in. She did not believe it, but she had
managed to turn the sweet, gentle Xander she knew … into the person she saw
leave.
She realised that she must have really hurt him to cause such a reaction -
and a tear rolled down her cheek.
The diner was unusually empty that day. Buffy didn't mind, because she was
tired of working. She was sitting in a booth, looking out of the window,
looking at the people passing by, feeling sorry for herself. Her
self-depreciating thoughts were interrupted by a soft melody emitting from
the small wireless radio Miranda had decided to switch on.
'I'm only hearing negative , no , no, no , bad…
So I turned the radio on, turn the radio up
And this woman was singing my song…'
Buffy tossed a sideways glance to Miranda, who was mindlessly tapping her
feet to the rhythm while wiping the counter for the hundred and tenth time.
Buffy rested her chin on her hand and turned back to the window.
'Lovers in love and the other's run away
Lover is crying 'cos the other won't stay…'
She wasn't quite paying attention to the music, but somehow she managed to
catch the phrase - it sounded very much like the story of her life. She
pondered this for a moment, and wondered if it were a coincidence.
'You said that I was naïve - I thought that I was strong
I thought 'Hey I could leave, I could leave' , oh
But now I know that I did something wrong ,
'cos I missed you… yeah , I missed you…'
Buffy lifted her head and called out to Miranda. "Could you off that thing
please?"
Miranda stopped her continuous wiping and stared at Buffy. "Why?"
The slayer shrugged her shoulders. "It's giving me a headache." The last
thing she needed right now was a theme song. Miranda rolled her eyes and
turned the radio off.
"You know, the way I see it , you could just sit there moping, or you could
come over here, make yourself useful, and help me clean this counter."
Miranda rinsed the cloth she was holding under the tap, and then proceeded
to wipe the counter again.
"I think the counter got clean after the first one hundred times you wiped
it," Buffy shot back, "And who said I was moping?"
"You looked as if someone shot your puppy."
Xander had the nicest puppy-dog eyes, Buffy thought. She shook her head.
Every thought she had seemed to revolve around him. "I'm just feeling under
the weather."
"I never knew someone could be under the weather for weeks."
"You've never met me then."
Miranda put her cloth down and walked over to the booth Buffy was occupying.
She took a seat opposite the young blonde and put her hands firmly on the
table. "You're going to tell me what's bothering you. Now."
"Demanding much?" Buffy said, before looking out of the window.
"I prefer the term concerned."
"Look - I told you before … you wouldn't understand." Buffy replied
monotonously. "Nobody understands me." Except Xander, she thought. But she
had to sleep with him and then run. Wonderful.
"I've been on this Earth for fifty-two years - chances are I'd understand
what you're going through." Miranda answered slowly. Her eyes softened as
she looked at this young woman staring blankly out the window. "What's he
like?"
Buffy laughed casually. "What's who like?"
"The boy you're thinking about. What's he like?"
"Who said I'm thinking about a boy?" Buffy shot back defensively.
"I repeat - I've been on this Earth for fifty-two years. I have three
daughters. I think I know the 'what a cute boy' look when I see it,"
answered Miranda with a tiny smile on her wrinkled face.
Buffy sighed. There was no getting past this seasoned veteran of life. "Well
… he's … nice."
"Nice is a four letter word, Buffy."
The slayer allowed herself to giggle. "Yeah, but he really is. He's sweet,
caring, understanding …" She looked up as she heard the soft tinkle of the
bell. "… and he just walked in." Her voice wavered slightly as she spoke.
Miranda stretched her neck to see who Buffy was talking about, and indeed
there stood Xander at the entrance of the diner, looking around. "Ooh.
Cute."
Buffy wondered if it was a good idea to make herself seen. She didn't know
if she could handle seeing him now. She didn't know if she could see him -
ever. Maybe she could crawl under the table and he would go away. She
narrowed her eyes and slinked her back down the seat, hoping that he
wouldn't notice.
This movement, however, did not escape Miranda's active eyes. A small
mischievous grin formed on her lips as she leaned forward, exclaiming
loudly. "Buffy! Whatever are you doing?"
Xander spun around at the mention of Buffy's name. He spotted her in the
corner booth and walked slowly towards her, hands in his pocket. Buffy
silently cursed Miranda and told her she would kill her entire family.
Miranda merely gave Buffy an innocent look and shook her head slightly.
"Hey." Xander greeted the friend he had not seen for months. He nodded at
Miranda and turned back to Buffy.
"Hi," she answered slowly, before gesturing to Miranda. "This is Miranda."
"Hello." Miranda got up and shook Xander's hand. "If you'll excuse me, I
have to clean the counter." She walked to the counter , turning back once to
wink at Buffy, laughing to herself as she picked up her cloth and started
working on the counter again.
An awkward silence filled the air between Buffy and Xander. He took a seat
opposite her, and opened his mouth as if to speak, only to close it shut
after two seconds. Buffy decided to break the silence. "How did you find
me?"
He gave her a classic Xander-smile before he answered. "Let's just say your
mother can't keep a secret." Buffy briefly remembered the letter she wrote
to her mother. "You have no idea how many diners there are in this town. It
took me two days to find this joint… and let me tell you that the Waterfall
Motel is not as comfortable as it sounds."
They were talking as if nothing ever happened that night, and Buffy
couldn't stand it. There were so many things she wanted to tell him - so
many things she wanted to explain … but she couldn't. She just looked at
him, staring deep into his dark brown eyes.
Xander paused before continuing. "So… was I that bad in bed that you had to
skip town?"
Buffy raised an eyebrow as she looked at him. It was just so like Xander -
treating everything as it if were a joke. She didn't smile. "I needed some …
time away. That's all."
"You didn't have to leave town." Xander replied as-a-matter-of-factly. "You
could have told me. I would have given you space."
"I don't know." She looked down. "Maybe I needed more … physical space …
instead of just emotional."
Xander toyed with the salt and pepper shakers absent-mindedly as he spoke.
"Are you angry at me? Because … I …" He swallowed before continuing. "… took
advantage of you."
"No." Her words came out quicker than she had expected them to. "You didn't
take advantage of me. There were two of us there… I have as much to do with
this as you."
He put down the shakers. He looked down at his hands. "I don't… it's … I
shouldn't have. Whatever it is, I shouldn't have done that. You were … you
needed a friend … and I … I'm sorry." He looked at her deeply. "I'm sorry."
Buffy placed her hand on his. "It's not your fault."
He glanced at her hand and then back at her beautiful face. "Come home with
me. We can work this out. Please. This past few months … I've … it's been
terrible without you. I don't think I could bear it anymore if you don't
come back with me."
"Xander… I can't. Not now."
"Why?"
"I need time. What happened between us … we can't go back to the way we
were. We can't pretend this didn't happen." Buffy spoke sadly. "And I don't
want to hurt myself .. or you … anymore that I have to."
"We don't have to go back … we could start anew. Make things up as we go
along." Xander gave her a weak attempt at a smile. "I could … I could take
care of you. I mean, I'll try. We could try."
"I don't think so." Buffy didn't know why she lied. She wanted this as much
as Xander… and yet she refused to show it. She loved him so much that she
didn't want to lose him. No matter how wonderful he was - to enter a
relationship with him … it had its risks and she didn't want to risk him.
Maybe it would better if she just stayed friends … she would never lose him
that way… or would she, especially what she had done? She needed more time -
and she couldn't think straight with Xander staring at her with those sad,
eyes. "Go home Xander."
"Not without you."
"Don't you understand?" Buffy felt her tone getting sharper. Tough love.
She found it incredibly difficult to utter the following words. "I can't …
be with you. I don't want to." She felt terrible - she was lying to him and
she was lying to herself. She never understood it - but it was her reflex to
lie , or run away whenever she found herself in a situation she could not
comprehend.
His brown eyes seemed to turn darker after hearing those words. He looked
confused, and hurt. "What about this, then?" His voice rose all of a sudden,
as he whipped out something and slammed it on the table. It was Buffy's
cross. "What the hell is this about?"
Buffy looked at the cross carefully. She had given this to him that
morning. She made no attempt to reach out for it. "I gave that to you
because … I didn't want you to … forget me." It was the most truthful thing
she had said during this whole conversation.
"You don't want me to forget you, but you don't want to be with me - I'm
confused. Help me out here, because I keep getting mixed signals." His voice
was still loud, and Miranda looked in their direction. "Or you know what, I
don't really care. I can't waste my life trying to figure you out."
He stood up. "Keep your cross. I don't want it anymore."
"Xander…" Buffy pleaded with him.
Xander merely waved his hand and walked out of the diner.
Buffy made no effort to follow him. She slumped back in her seat and gazed
at him through the window, before his figure finally disappeared. She
couldn't understand the mess she was in. She did not believe it, but she had
managed to turn the sweet, gentle Xander she knew … into the person she saw
leave.
She realised that she must have really hurt him to cause such a reaction -
and a tear rolled down her cheek.