SIX
***
'I've got to change my wishes
I've got to stop wanting you here...
I've got to change my thinking
Because it blinds me, and it blinds the right way to see...
I've got to give up the believing
I've got to stop hoping
But that's so hard to do.'
***
VI
"Feeling better?"
Buffy walked up to the counter and sat down. "Not really. Thanks for asking
, though."
"No problem," said Miranda, as she patted her hair which she had tied up in
a bun that day. "I was just pretty worried about you after you came here
yesterday crying your eyes out and then went home, still crying your eyes
out."
"Well, my eyes are still here," said Buffy at a bad attempt to joke, "But
my life still sucks, though."
"Poor girl," said Miranda. "You deserve it you know."
"Excuse me?" Buffy looked up. "Isn't this 'Feel Sorry for Buffy' hour?"
"We did that yesterday," answered Miranda, "now it's 'Tell Buffy She
Screwed Up' hour."
Buffy sighed. "You really don't need to tell me that. I kinda figured that
out myself." She put her head on the counter desolately. "I guess it's
totally over then."
"You and Xander?"
She nodded. Her heart sank as she replayed the events of the previous day.
"He really seemed angry."
"And he has every right to be," replied Miranda, as she refilled the
coffeepot with more steaming, decaf coffee. "If I were in his shoes, I would
have barely stopped short of murdering you."
"You're doing a real fine job of cheering me up," Buffy gave her the thumbs
up sign. "Thanks."
"Do you want to be cheered up, or do you want the truth?"
"Cheered up."
Miranda ignored her. "You treated the poor guy like he didn't exist for the
past, god knows how many years, and now you think if you just drop by his
motel he'll accept you and forget everything."
"Which part of this is the cheering up?"
"Hush."
Buffy lifted her head. "You think I don't know that I'm a horrible person?
You think I don't know that?" Her eyes watered and she buried her head in
her hands.
Miranda's face softened. She was about to apologize for being so hard on
the girl when the front door's bell tinkled, and in strolled Alex, whistling
a merry tune. He stopped when he spotted Buffy at the counter.
"Hey Miranda," he said softly, as he walked past Buffy. "Hi Buffy."
Buffy looked up waved her hand slightly before returning to her original
position.
"Her condition hasn't changed much, eh?" Alex whispered to Miranda across
the counter.
Buffy lifted her head up again and snapped. "I heard that. Don't talk about
me like I'm not here."
Alex took a step back. "I .. err… I was just wondering how you were… and I
didn't feel like… bothering you … so … er…"
The slayer sighed. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm not exactly Miss Congeniality
right now."
"Well I guess now wouldn't be a time to ask for my BLT sandwich?" Alex
asked, hoping to get a smile out of the slayer.
She just looked at him, reached out for the notepad beside her and tossed it
in his direction. "Write it down yourself and give it to Miranda."
"That's all right," said Miranda, intervening, "I'll get it." She headed to
the back kitchen.
Alex looked at Buffy and took a seat beside her. "I hope you don't mind."
"Not really."
"So, what's bugging you?" Alex asked.
"If you don't mind," Buffy said slowly, "I'm really not in the mood for
talking now. It's not you or anything... I'm just… not in the mood."
"That's all right," said Alex. He looked down for a moment, and then looked
at the back to see if he could spot Miranda. After a few seconds of silence,
he started again. "Guy problems?"
Buffy stared at the counter. At first she didn't want to answer him, but she
did anyway. She gave a tired laugh. "Something like that."
"Some jackass broke your heart?"
"No," said Buffy after pausing for a while. "It's more like the other way
around."
"Oh." He struggled to find something thoughtful and comforting to say. "…
and this guy… I'm guessing you really like him?"
"Yeah," Buffy twiddled her fingers aimlessly. "Only I realised it too late.
That's the trouble with me. I wait too long. And then I end up all alone in
the diner telling sob stories to someone who probably doesn't even care."
"I care."
She looked at him quizzically. "Why?"
He gave her a smile. "I'm a sucker for sob stories."
She laughed a little. "Boy, then you'll really love me."
Miranda sauntered out of the kitchen carrying a small paper bag. She placed
it on the counter in front of Alex. "Here you go. I rang it up on your tab."
"Thanks, Miranda." Alex grabbed the bag and stood up. He addressed Buffy.
"Well, I've got to go. Work's calling. Feel better soon."
Buffy nodded. "Be careful with the bacon. It can clog your arteries."
"I think I'll take that risk." He gave her another smile and tipped an
imaginary hat to Miranda. The older lady waved in reply as he left the
diner.
Miranda leaned on the counter. "So, what did you two talk about?"
"As if you weren't listening."
"Okay, so I was," Miranda confessed. "But I missed out some parts."
Buffy gave Miranda a look. "Do you think he'll come back?"
"Alex?"
"Xander…" She spoke his name softly. "Do you think he'll come back here?"
"What do you think?" asked Miranda. "Don't ask questions you already know
the answers to."
She looked at the older woman. "Do you think I should go back home? Maybe
if I … if I took the afternoon bus I could reach home by nightfall, and then
I can see Xander, and everything will be all right."
Miranda sighed and wrung her hands. "I think it's best if you give him some
time, dear. Right now he needs to clear his mind … and his heart, and the
last thing he needs to see right now is you, to complicate matters. Give him
some time, and some space… maybe it'll work out then."
"You sure? Because if I start packing now I can catch the…"
"I'm sure."
"All right." Buffy reached out for her notepad which Alex had left on the
counter. "I heard work distracts the lonely hearted."
"Don't I know it," said Miranda with a laugh. She threw a rag towards
Buffy. "Help me get the tables clean, then."
----
***
'I've got to change my wishes
I've got to stop wanting you here...
I've got to change my thinking
Because it blinds me, and it blinds the right way to see...
I've got to give up the believing
I've got to stop hoping
But that's so hard to do.'
***
VI
"Feeling better?"
Buffy walked up to the counter and sat down. "Not really. Thanks for asking
, though."
"No problem," said Miranda, as she patted her hair which she had tied up in
a bun that day. "I was just pretty worried about you after you came here
yesterday crying your eyes out and then went home, still crying your eyes
out."
"Well, my eyes are still here," said Buffy at a bad attempt to joke, "But
my life still sucks, though."
"Poor girl," said Miranda. "You deserve it you know."
"Excuse me?" Buffy looked up. "Isn't this 'Feel Sorry for Buffy' hour?"
"We did that yesterday," answered Miranda, "now it's 'Tell Buffy She
Screwed Up' hour."
Buffy sighed. "You really don't need to tell me that. I kinda figured that
out myself." She put her head on the counter desolately. "I guess it's
totally over then."
"You and Xander?"
She nodded. Her heart sank as she replayed the events of the previous day.
"He really seemed angry."
"And he has every right to be," replied Miranda, as she refilled the
coffeepot with more steaming, decaf coffee. "If I were in his shoes, I would
have barely stopped short of murdering you."
"You're doing a real fine job of cheering me up," Buffy gave her the thumbs
up sign. "Thanks."
"Do you want to be cheered up, or do you want the truth?"
"Cheered up."
Miranda ignored her. "You treated the poor guy like he didn't exist for the
past, god knows how many years, and now you think if you just drop by his
motel he'll accept you and forget everything."
"Which part of this is the cheering up?"
"Hush."
Buffy lifted her head. "You think I don't know that I'm a horrible person?
You think I don't know that?" Her eyes watered and she buried her head in
her hands.
Miranda's face softened. She was about to apologize for being so hard on
the girl when the front door's bell tinkled, and in strolled Alex, whistling
a merry tune. He stopped when he spotted Buffy at the counter.
"Hey Miranda," he said softly, as he walked past Buffy. "Hi Buffy."
Buffy looked up waved her hand slightly before returning to her original
position.
"Her condition hasn't changed much, eh?" Alex whispered to Miranda across
the counter.
Buffy lifted her head up again and snapped. "I heard that. Don't talk about
me like I'm not here."
Alex took a step back. "I .. err… I was just wondering how you were… and I
didn't feel like… bothering you … so … er…"
The slayer sighed. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm not exactly Miss Congeniality
right now."
"Well I guess now wouldn't be a time to ask for my BLT sandwich?" Alex
asked, hoping to get a smile out of the slayer.
She just looked at him, reached out for the notepad beside her and tossed it
in his direction. "Write it down yourself and give it to Miranda."
"That's all right," said Miranda, intervening, "I'll get it." She headed to
the back kitchen.
Alex looked at Buffy and took a seat beside her. "I hope you don't mind."
"Not really."
"So, what's bugging you?" Alex asked.
"If you don't mind," Buffy said slowly, "I'm really not in the mood for
talking now. It's not you or anything... I'm just… not in the mood."
"That's all right," said Alex. He looked down for a moment, and then looked
at the back to see if he could spot Miranda. After a few seconds of silence,
he started again. "Guy problems?"
Buffy stared at the counter. At first she didn't want to answer him, but she
did anyway. She gave a tired laugh. "Something like that."
"Some jackass broke your heart?"
"No," said Buffy after pausing for a while. "It's more like the other way
around."
"Oh." He struggled to find something thoughtful and comforting to say. "…
and this guy… I'm guessing you really like him?"
"Yeah," Buffy twiddled her fingers aimlessly. "Only I realised it too late.
That's the trouble with me. I wait too long. And then I end up all alone in
the diner telling sob stories to someone who probably doesn't even care."
"I care."
She looked at him quizzically. "Why?"
He gave her a smile. "I'm a sucker for sob stories."
She laughed a little. "Boy, then you'll really love me."
Miranda sauntered out of the kitchen carrying a small paper bag. She placed
it on the counter in front of Alex. "Here you go. I rang it up on your tab."
"Thanks, Miranda." Alex grabbed the bag and stood up. He addressed Buffy.
"Well, I've got to go. Work's calling. Feel better soon."
Buffy nodded. "Be careful with the bacon. It can clog your arteries."
"I think I'll take that risk." He gave her another smile and tipped an
imaginary hat to Miranda. The older lady waved in reply as he left the
diner.
Miranda leaned on the counter. "So, what did you two talk about?"
"As if you weren't listening."
"Okay, so I was," Miranda confessed. "But I missed out some parts."
Buffy gave Miranda a look. "Do you think he'll come back?"
"Alex?"
"Xander…" She spoke his name softly. "Do you think he'll come back here?"
"What do you think?" asked Miranda. "Don't ask questions you already know
the answers to."
She looked at the older woman. "Do you think I should go back home? Maybe
if I … if I took the afternoon bus I could reach home by nightfall, and then
I can see Xander, and everything will be all right."
Miranda sighed and wrung her hands. "I think it's best if you give him some
time, dear. Right now he needs to clear his mind … and his heart, and the
last thing he needs to see right now is you, to complicate matters. Give him
some time, and some space… maybe it'll work out then."
"You sure? Because if I start packing now I can catch the…"
"I'm sure."
"All right." Buffy reached out for her notepad which Alex had left on the
counter. "I heard work distracts the lonely hearted."
"Don't I know it," said Miranda with a laugh. She threw a rag towards
Buffy. "Help me get the tables clean, then."
----