Broken Inside
By: Atsureki
Disclaimers : Weiss Kreuz ain't mine and they never will be either *sighs*
Paring : Ran(Aya)/Ken
Warnings : Yaoi, OCC, angst (as always *mutters*)
Notes : Stuff written in Italic are thoughts.
Chapter 2. Protected
Ken swallowed back a scream and buried his face in the pillow. The nightmares were killing him. Nothing helped except not sleeping at all, which of course wouldn't work in the long run. Carefully he looked over to the chair a few feet from him bed. Aya had kept his promise.
It was about 3 am and the redhead was still sitting there, not that it had helped Ken much. The taller man seemed to be asleep and for once his face was relaxed. In sleep the mask Aya usually wore had slipped, showing a young man burdened with life.
Ken sighed deeply. What point was there in having him sitting in that chair all night long? It didn't do either one of them any good. But the thought of waking Aya up didn't exactly strike Ken as a good idea so he sank back against the pillows again.
His mind drifted away and started pondering over the questions that had darted around inside his head ever since they came back from the stadium. Why on earth had Aya gone after him? Why had Aya tried to help him? Why hadn't Aya killed him when he threw himself at him? Ken didn't have any answers and the ones he wanted were out of reach simply because Aya was Aya.
He also wanted to know why the hell he had thrown himself at the redhead like that. It must have been the way he was feeling inside. He was just so… broken inside, like somene had taken his heart and soul and just smashed it all to pieces. So he had reached out to the one person in his life who never showed any feelings at all, the one person who was just as good at hiding behind a mask as he was.
"That mask of yours must be a heavy one to bare Aya," Ken mumbled quietly. "I've always wondered if hiding behind it keeps you happy?"
"Mask or no mask, happiness isn't what I'm seeking Ken." The deep voice caused the brunette to jump. Open mouth, insert foot, Ken growled to himself, mentally kicking his own ass for saying such a stupid thing out loud.
"I… I…" Aya looked at him and slowly shook his head.
"Nightmares again?" the redhead asked and allowed the embarrassing subject to be forgotten.
"Yes," Ken sighed and shuddered at the thought of them.
"Maybe you should see someone about all of this?" Aya suggested.
"You mean like a shrink?"
"Aa."
"What difference would a shrink make Aya? No one can change my life, take away what I am. You know why I'm with Weiss but does my intentions really keep me from being one of the bad guys? Am I really any better than the people we kill, any less evil? I have so much blood on my hands that I can barely bare to touch my face anymore, afraid that it'll rub off," Ken mumbled with a hollow voice. "Did you know that one of our targets told me that he'd wait for me in hell? When I heard that the first thing on my mind was… this is hell." Aya rose from his chair and came closer.
"Ken you're not an evil or bad person," the redhead sighed as he sat down beside him on the bed. "If you were you wouldn't give a shit about saving lives. Everybody has problems from time to time and I really think you need to face yours. But at the moment you need to get some sleep." Ken whimpered at the shear thought of going back to sleep again.
"Don't ask me to sleep Aya, please. I can't stand it!" the brunette croaked out under his breath.
"Ken I'll be right here the whole time. Nightmares are just dreams they can't hurt you unless you allow them to. Just close your eyes and rest." Ken stared at the redhead. That voice was soft and caring not callous and cold like it usually was.
Maybe it was because he was tired, scared and felt so broken and lonely, maybe it was something else but at that moment Ken just acted on instinct. With a small nod he more or less crawled over to Aya and placed his head in the redhead's lap.
He could feel how the older man froze completely. Kill me if you want to Aya, I don't even think I care anymore, Ken mumbled to himself and closed his eyes. But instead of having a katana slice his throat or angry hands pushing him away he felt a trembling hand stroke him over the hair. With a content sigh Ken allowed sleep to pull him away.
*~*~*~*~*~*~
Aya stared at the sleeping man. Something was going on that he didn't understand. Why hadn't he beaten the living shit out of Ken? Aya didn't know and he had a hunch that he'd never find out either. Besides, he had promised the brunette he would help him and if that meant allowing him to sleep on his lap then what was the fuss about? It wasn't like having Ken's head resting on his thigh would kill him or anything?
A more disturbing fact was that he kept on running his fingers through brown hair. Stop it! Aya ordered himself and was completely ignored. His hand just continued to repeat the same smooth movement through soft hair.
There was a war going on inside him and at the moment his heart or soul had the control. Aya was no fan of humans, that was not a secret. The only one he usually tended to act a little nicer to was Omi, since the petit blonde was so young. But Ken was a grown man, a grown man who had kicked his ass when he joined up with Weiss.
Aya sighed deeply and closed his eyes. At least Ken was asleep which was what he needed so the redhead would allow him to stay where he was, just this once.
*~*~*~*~*~*~
When Ken woke up he was alone. Instead of Aya's lap he found a pillow, but he knew that the redhead must have been sitting there with him for a long time. There had been no more nightmares. The brunette sighed. He was a little too disappointed that Aya hadn't been there. Slowly he got off the bed and walked out from his room.
There was still the possibility that his red haired team-mate was going to have his head on a stick, or rather on his katana. Ken sighed again and strolled into the kitchen. Didn't he have enough problems as it was? Muttering sourly to himself he made some coffee and sank down on one of the chairs.
Even if Aya didn't decide to kill him it still sucked that he probably couldn't go to the redhead for help again. He had had one night's sleep but days turned into nights quickly. The thought of sleeping without Aya there to protect him from the nightmares was not appealing.
"What do I do now?" he asked himself darkly.
"About what?" a deep voice wondered. Ken snapped his head up and stared at one tall red haired assassin.
"Oh nothing," he answered, sounding lame even in his own ears.
"Feel up to opening the shop with me today?" Aya asked just as blandly as always. "Yoji has the morning shift but he's still sleeping."
"Sure why not, I'm already up," Ken sighed. Amethyst eyes looked at him for a moment.
"Maybe you should go back to bed instead?" their owner suggested flatly.
"No thank you," the brunette shuddered. "I'm quite done sleeping for the moment."
*~*~*~*~*~*~
Ken was in a tight fix. It was time for bed but he didn't even dare to touch his bed. He paced his room nervously. His eyes demanded sleep just as his body did but he was too scared. Those nightmares would be the death of him. With a deep sigh he opened the door and walked out. There had to be some way for him to keep those damn dreams away. Suddenly Ken realized that he was knocking on a door.
"Yes?" Shit! It wasn't just any door it was Aya's. Ken looked around almost in panic. What to do, what do to? he whined inside. "Ah Ken." Blushing like a madman the brunette looked up and into the redhead's eyes.
"I…" I what?
"Nightmares again?" Aya asked calmly.
"Well… I haven't actually gone to bed yet… I… Um…" Ken studdered feeling like a complete moron.
"Come on." Aya stepped out and gestured towards the brunette's room. Lost for words he followed the redhead. Without a word the taller man pulled down the quilt from the bed. Ken watched him lost in confusion.
"A… Aya?"
"Are you going to sleep standing up?" Ken shook his head and headed for the bed.
"Um."
"Just lie down Ken, I'll stay here tonight so you can sleep." Okay Aya has lost his marbles, gone nuts, loony-tunes, the brunette declared to himself but did as he was told. If he was surprised and shocked before it was nothing compared to what he became when the redhead sat down beside him, leaning his back against the head-board of the bed and pulled the brunette's head into his lap.
"Aya… I," he objected and tried to sit up. A hand on his shoulder stopped him.
"It's okay Ken. Just go to sleep," Aya said softly and ran his hand through the brunette's hair.
*~*~*~*~*~*~
Aya was baffled by himself. For the second time he found himself sitting on Ken's bed with the brunette's head in his lap. That was unnerving enough on its own but what was worse was that he enjoyed it. No one would ever hear the redhead admit to it but he had missed the feeling of that head in his lap just as he had missed the soft hair his fingers touched.
Looks like Mr Icicle has a soft spot, he mocked himself and sighed. Why was he acting like this? Aya contemplated with himself for a moment. Calm down! I just want to help the baka that's all. Well that was true. Actually he wanted to do more than help but Aya ignored that.
It didn't take long before Ken had fallen alseep. Slowly the redhead allowed his bland mask to slide down. Something was happening to him and he didn't understand what nor did he understand why. Feelings were a waste of time so why the hell did he suddenly have so many of them?
Lost in thoughts his eyes drifted close. Half asleep he slid further down against the pillows. He was uncomfortable so he rearranged the body next to him so that he was laying on his back with Ken resting against his chest. A part of his mind, that was still awake, objected but Aya silenced it, wrapped his arms around the warm body and sank deeper into dreamland.
*~*~*~*~*~*~
Ken yawned and tried to stretch but something hindered his movement. Arms wrapped around him. Confused he opened his eyes and felt his jaw drop when he stared at a sleeping Aya. He was resting on the redhead's chest with his left arm draped over a slender waist. He's gonna kill me for sure this time, Ken whined and tried to free himself. But Aya just held him tighter and mumbled something.
The brunette bit his lip and started to panic. If Aya woke up he would be dead meat. But it felt so good to be so close. Ken's eyes darted around along with his thoughts. He did like Aya a lot, more than he should which in no way made the situation better. What to do? he pondered.
He had three choices as far as he could tell. Wake Aya, which would probably be the last thing he ever did still alive. Get away, which obviously wasn't going to happen without waking up the redhead. Or, pretend to be asleep and let the older assassin deal with the situation when he woke up.
Ken chose the latter and relaxed against the warm chest. A sudden urge to purr crept into his mind. Aya's shirt had slid up during the night and the brunette couldn't resist the temptation of carefully touching the exposed ivory skin. He's so warm and soft, Ken thought in wonder.
The redhead shifted a little at the caress and mumbled again. Stop it Hidaka or you're gonna be one dead assassin! Reluctantly he removed his hand and sighed slightly. Aya had helped him simply because he had promised to do so and that promise most likely came from pity.
Ken pouted. He hated when others felt pity for him and especially when the one feeling it was the redhead. For some reason, that he couldn't grasp, he wanted something else, something more from Aya, but what? Lost in thoughts he drifted back to sleep.
*~*~*~*~*~*~
Aya almost purred as he woke up. He was comfortable, warm and still sleepy. With a mumble he hugged the body resting against his tighter. It took a few moments before his foggy brain digested the information. He was holding someone? Amethyst eyes snapped open.
Ken was in his arms peacefully sleeping with his head on his chest. Aya felt himself go completely numb. He remembered pulling the brunette's head into his lap to convince him to sleep but just when had that turned into this? He didn't know and was pretty damn sure he didn't want to either.
Whatever the answer was it didn't matter. If Ken woke up he'd probably freak since the way they were lying was a little more intimate than it should be. Carefully the redhead pushed himself away and shakingly got off the bed. Get a grip on yourself Fujimiya, he spat out to himself.
Frowning he looked at the sleeping brunette. He had never realized just how good-looking Ken really was. Aya narrowed his eyes and growled to himself. What the hell was going on with him? Ken was a guy for crying out loud! This has got to stop! An amused voice in his head chuckled at him before informing him that he'd be back in the brunette's room come sunset. The hell I will! Aya assured himself but he knew that that was a lie.
Whatever it was he was feeling towards Ken it was strong enough to keep him coming back to help him. Muttering under his breath the redhead quickly left the room and went to his own. What he needed was to get the brunette to a shrink so that the madness would stop.
When that was done he wouldn't have to be Ken's security blanket anymore. That thought sent a stab of disappointment right to his heart. He didn't want that. Aya swallowed and shook his head. It had to stop before… he started feeling something that would be so much more difficult to deny.
*~*~*~*~*~*~
There was something strange going on between Aya and Ken. Yoji could see it a mile away. His two team-mates avoided each other and the redhead was irritated. Aya wasn't a sunny person to begin with but what Yoji saw was something else. The glares that shot out from his amethyst eyes weren't the normal deathglares.
And Ken was jumpy and quiet. Every time he was forced to go near the red haired assassin he fumbled, stuttered and hurried away. With a frown the playboy lit a smoke and narrowed his eyes.
"No smoking in here Kudou!" Aya barked and shot daggers at him.
"Yeah, yeah," the blonde replyed and took his nasty habit outside. Ken had problems, that was no secret but why did Aya act so strange? It annoyed Yoji that he didn't know and it was seriously bugging his curiousity.
"Hello Yoji-kun," a cheerful voice said behind him.
"Ah Omi," the playboy smiled and turned around. "Back from school?"
"Hai."
"Our shift starts in a few minutes," Yoji informed the petit blonde as if he would have forgotten something like that. "By the way Omi… Have you noticed how strange Aya and Ken are acting?" Blue eyes looked at him with confusion.
"No, how so?"
"It's probably nothing," the lanky blonde shrugged and put out his cigarette. "Let's go inside kid." Together they entered the shop and walked right into an arguement.
"You are going Ken," the redhead said harshly and looked extremely stubborn.
"I don't want to! What concern is that of yours anyway?" The look Ken got from Aya was enough to make the brunette squirm.
"I've already called. Monday at 10 am, and Ken… I will drag you there if you don't go on your own!"
"Butt out Aya! I don't need your help, I can take care of myself thank you very much!" Ken growled.
"Um guys what's going on here?" the lanky playboy wondered and stared at them.
"Shut up Yoji!" Ken and Aya snapped as one.
"Well excuse me for breathing."
"Ken," the redhead sighed and sounded nothing like the stoic man he usually was. "You have to get help."
"No I don't! I can take care of this on my own," the slightly shorter man objected.
"So that's what you were doing last night and the night before?" Aya asked softly and got a hurt look from Ken before the latter turned around and stormed out from the shop.
"Okay what the hell is going on here?" Yoji demanded to know.
"What's wrong with Ken-kun?" the smaller blonde asked and looked at the redhead.
"I'm pushing him to see that shrink and Ken doesn't want to," Aya answered with a shrug.
"You can't force him Aya."
"I have to!" the redhead said flatly, took off his apron and walked out.
~TBC~
Aya is a baka *mutters* Why doesn't he understand why he wants to help Ken? Hm Ken isn't much better though *sighs* Guys! Knit a net a catch a clue already!/Atsureki