Broken Inside

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : Weiss Kreuz ain't mine and they never will be either *sighs*

Paring : Ran(Aya)/Ken

Warnings : Yaoi, OCC, angst (as always *mutters*)

Notes : Stuff written in Italic are thoughts.

Chapter 3. Fighting To Stay Awake

"Damn him," Ken cursed as he slammed the door to his room. "Why does he have to butt in where he has no business?" The brunette winced. Actually Aya was right and he knew it but dammit he did not want to see some shrink.

Their fight would surely keep the redhead from helping him with the nightmares and that was just plain horrible. Trembling from the thought of sleeping alone again Ken sank down on his bed. Maybe he really did need to see a shrink?

"Ken?" The brunette looked up and sighed deeply when he saw Aya standing there.

"What do you want?" he asked flatly. Aya came in and closed the door behind him.

"Why are you being so stubborn about this?" the redhead asked much softer than Ken had expected.

"I… I don't want anyone to poke around in my head," he admitted and glued his eyes to the floor.

"I don't blame you Ken but you need help." To the brunette's surprise he felt the bed shift when Aya sat down beside him.

"I know," Ken sighed and rubbed his temples.

"I'll make a deal with you. Go see this shrink a few times and if you don't feel it helps you at all I'll back off." The brunette lifted his head up. Aya looked… worried and caring, in other words he looked real wrong and weird.

"Okay I'll go, but… the nightmares…" Ken mumbled and lowered his eyes to the floor again.

"Ken I said I would help you and I will. If you need me to sit with you tonight I will." A huge weight was lifted from Ken's chest.

"Thank you," he sighed with relief and without thinking he grabbed the taller man's hand.

"You're a part of the team Ken, I'm not going to abandon you," Aya said softly and got up. So that was what it all was about. The redhead was only trying to help him so that he wouldn't mess up any missions. I should have known better, Ken sighed to himself and dropped Aya's hand.

"On second thought Aya, don't bother! I'll deal with this on my own," the brunette muttered with anger and hurt. "No need for you to babysit me anymore!" If Ken had looked up at that moment he would have seen the hurt that crossed Aya's face but he didn't.

"Fine," the redhead said blandly and left. The brunette huffed after him and sighed.

"Nice job Hidaka!" he scolded himself. "Who's going to help you sleep tonight?" Not Aya that was for sure and who else was there? Yoji? Not bloody likely. Omi? Well that was a possibility.

The youngest assassin was his best friend after all. But could he offer the same security as Aya? Ken was honest enough to answer that question with a no. He didn't just need someone to be with him while he slept, he needed Aya. But the redhead wouldn't help him again, which meant that the only thing Ken could do, was not sleep at all.

*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aya slammed his door shut and threw himself on the bed. Why had Ken changed his mind? Amethyst eyes narrowed as the answer came. Because he knows what happened last night, the redhead sighed inside. Why had that happened at all? Aya huffed and made a serious attempt at strangling his pillow.

Well if the brunette wanted nothing to do with him then fine! It had really hurt to be pushed away like that and the part of the redhead's mind that handled hurt worked under simple rules. If Aya hurt the one causing it would pay. In other words, if Ken hurt him by pushing him away the brunette would hurt by being completely ignored by Aya. Simple, fair and logical.

If there was one person in that house that could play the game of ignoring others it was Aya. He huffed again and flipped over to his back. So if that was simple, fair and logical then why did it feel wrong, mean and unfair? Ken had problems, he was afraid and he needed help, that was something Aya couldn't just ignore.

Then there was one other thing, that the redhead really didn't want to acknowledge. If he wasn't allowed to be close to Ken the way he had been when the brunette was asleep he would miss it. How or why Aya didn't know but he would miss it. It was confusing since the redhead really had no idea what was going on inside of him.

Aya found himself getting even more annoyed. He was, for once, trying to reach out and show care and concern and what did he get in return. Ken had thrown it all right in his face and that had hurt so much.

Since showing that he was hurt was out of the question Aya had only one other option and that was… being the person he had worked so hard to become for years. A cold hearted emotionless bastard. Suited him fine! Who needed emotions anyway?

"I don't care about Ken!" he stated firmly. Those words tasted bitter. "I do not care about Ken!" he said again and really put his heart into it. There that was firm enough for anyone to believe it, wasn't it? Growling at himself Aya got off the bed and marched out of his room.

*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ken desperately tried to keep his brain clear enough to hear what the woman infront of him was saying. It was impossible since he hadn't slept for… When was the last time he had slept? Ken tried to get a grip of his thoughts. About four days or so? And before that?

Slowly he managed to sort the days out. It had been almost two months since he had argued with Aya and that night he hadn't even gone to bed. He knew he could function without sleep for about 3 days and then his body just shut down, but the nightmares didn't give a shit about how badly he needed to sleep.

The last time he had crashed due to being awake for too long the nightmares had been worse than ever. Now he knew that he'd rather die than having to face them one more time, so he'd just have to stay awake.

"I don't think we should continue this any further today Hidaka-san," the woman said. Ken met her brown eyes and shook his head to lift the fog a little.

"Gomen nasai, Morioka-san," he sighed deeply. "I'm a little tired today." The shrink let out a huff and tilted her head.

"I know you're not sleeping. How long do you think that's going to work?" she asked flatly.

"I don't care! As long as those nightmares stick around I am not going to sleep again!" he snapped at her and narrowed his puffy eyes.

"Hidaka-san," she sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "You can barely walk straight because you're so tired, how long do you think it'll be before you really hurt yourself?"

"Hurt myself? Those dreams hurt me far more than not sleeping does," he snorted and refused to look at her. "And besides, it's not like sleeping gives me any rest!"

"I know, I know. Is there anything that eases the nightmares at all?" Ken winced at the question.

"Well… I… No," he mumbled.

"I'm going to answer that question for you Hidaka-san. Now I know you don't like me and I also know you doubt that I can help you. Therefor I'm going to show you what I've picked up from our sessions. The reason that you, as you called it, 'snapped' during a mission is the past you've tried to hide away by putting up that mask of smiles, cheerfullness and clumsiness." She paused for a moment and eyed him carefully.

"You feel guilty about all the people you've killed but deep down inside it's especially one murder that you're hung up on. Kase. Even more so it's the betrayal and what Kase said to you just before he died. At first you managed to run from it but eventually it all caught up to you on that night and it hit you like a ton of bricks, you had an anxiety attack." Again she stopped talking and he could feel her eyes on him.

"When you no longer could run from your past the nightmares rooted themselves in your mind and you can't stand them. But there was something or rather someone that helped you. Fujimiya-san sat with you while you slept and that chased away the nightmares because you felt safe in his company, isn't that right?"

Ken stared at her. Sure he had told her about all of those things, sort of, but he hadn't really expected her get so much from it.

"Well, yes."

"Ken listen to me," the black haired shrink said softly and for the first time used his first name. "You have scars inside, everybody does but most of us aren't assassins. The blood on your hands is something you can't accept and it hurts you a lot. But this fix idea you have about not sleeping isn't going to help you get through this." Ken squirmed on his seat.

"Look at yourself. You've lost weight because you're too tired to eat, you have black circles around your eyes, you sludder when you talk, your hands shake, you can't focus… I could go on forever. The bottom line is… if you don't do something about this sleeping disorder you're going to permanently damage yourself."

"But what am I suppose to do?! Crawl to Aya on my hands and knees and beg him to please hold my hand while I get some sleep?" Ken almost screamed and allowed the woman to really hear how desperate he felt.

"As a psychiatrist I can't suggest that since that would become a habit and pretty soon you wouldn't be able to sleep without him as your security blanket. As a friend however, I would say yes but not only because of your nightmares. Ken you have feelings for this Fujimiya-san, feelings you're trying to hide and deny," she said slowly and looked at him until he finally met her eyes. That was one thing he was sure he hadn't told her though.

"I don't have feelings for Aya," he objected and glared at her.

"Is that so?" she smiled at him. "In your eyes I might just be an annoying dumb shrink but I am also a woman and as such I pick up on things." Ken gave her another glare and decided that it was time to bolt. This was getting way too uncomfortable.

"You have no idea of what the hell you're talking about," he growled and stormed out. Annoyed beyond himself the brunette pushed his helmet down and got on his bike. "Stupid woman!" he muttered to himself as the drove onto the street.

*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aya looked up from the pots he was arranging in time to see a bike approach. It was being driven in a swaying manner that looked anything but safe. It was Ken. The redhead sighed. For two months he had been ignoring Ken as hard as he could but the state that the brunette was in had in no way escaped him.

He watched as Ken stopped and drew in a sharp breath when the bike fell to the left trapping its owner underneath it. Aya rushed over and grunted at the heavy weight as he pulled the bike off of the assassin.

"Are you okay?" he muttered and more or less dragged Ken to his feet. The brunette pulled off his helmet and rubbed his dazed eyes. He looked awful.

"Yeah, I'm fine," the brunette answered with his voice thick and slow from lack of sleep.

"You really shouldn't ride around on that thing! You can't even stand up straight," Aya growled at him. He was concerned about Ken and since he couldn't show it he had to settle for sounding annoyed.

"Not sleeping tends to have that effect on a person," Ken sighed and walked away, or rather staggered.

"Not so fast!" The redhead grabbed his arm and turned him around. "What's going on here Ken? You look awful." Screw ignoring him! Aya muttered in his head. He looks like he's about to crash and burn at any moment.

"If I knew what was going on here I'd do something about it instead of trying to kill myself by not sleeping!" Ken snapped at him and tried to get his arm free. "And by the way I've stopped seeing that damn shrink! She's useless and jumps into conclusions that suggests that she needs a shrink more than I do."

"You held your end of the deal and I will hold mine," Aya nodded. "I'll back off if that's what you want me to do." For a moment Ken looked straight into his eyes.

"What difference does it make what I want Aya? We both know that we don't always get what we want," the brunette sighed with enough hurt to make the older man wince. "Just leave me alone." Shocked the redhead let him go.

Amethyst eyes stared at the brunette's back. What was that suppose to mean? Aya asked himself when Ken had disappeared. And just why did it hurt so much inside when the brunette's voice filled up with pain? The redhead shook his head to clear his thoughts.

He wanted to help. No, that wasn't exactly true. He needed to help Ken. But what could he do? Ken had made it painfully clear that his help was no longer wanted, that Aya should stay the hell away from him. Sighing deeply he followed the brunette inside.

*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was late when Aya left his room. He couldn't sleep due to the constant brooding over Ken and the annoyance he felt because of it. Huffing to himself he stopped when he saw that the TV was on in the living-room. It wasn't a surprise that he found Ken sitting on the couch.

"Why don't you go to bed instead?" Aya asked flatly but got no answer. Carefully he approached the assassin only to realize that he was asleep. The redhead had spent enough time outside Ken's door to know his sleep patterns so he could tell that the brunette was at the beginning of a nightmare. His eyes darted back and forth under his eyelids and his breathing was rapid.

"Why won't you let me help you?" Aya asked quietly and sighed. It hurt to see how badly Ken was doing just as it hurt not to be allowed to help. Carefully he sat down next to the brunette. They were so close to each other that their thighs touched which sent shivers up and down Aya's spine.

The nightmare was getting worse a lot quicker than normally and it didn't take long before Ken started sweating and clutching his hands. For a moment the brunette seemed to be fighting something or someone then he threw himself to the left and ended up pressed against Aya's side.

The redhead swallowed and slowly wrapped his arm around Ken's shaking shoulders. It was almost as if he had pushed a button to stop the nightmare. The slightly shorter man calmed down almost immediately and snuggled closer with a contented sigh.

"Aya," Ken murmured in his sleep and snaked an arm around the redhead's waist. The brunette's warm skin against his cool felt so good. Very carefully Aya moved to the other side of the couch and pulled Ken down onto his lap. For a moment the shorter man froze. "No, don't leave me Aya," he begged almost incoherent.

"I'm not going anywhere Ken," the redhead mumbled and ran his fingers through the soft brown hair he had missed so much. What was it about his presence that calmed Ken down so much? Would it make a difference if it was Omi or Yoji who sat with him instead?

A selfish and jealous part of Aya muttered that there better be a difference, that only he could help Ken. The redhead silenced it quickly, this was no time to be selfish or jealous. Jealous? Aya frowned deeply. Oh no, it could be… It was impossible, wasn't it?

Aya the Iceberg, the Icicle, Mr. I-have-icewater-in-my-veins-instead-of-blood, could not fall in love, especially not with… another man. The redhead bit his lower lip and restlessly picked at Ken's T-shirt.

Okay so he did find the brunette attractive, why wouldn't he? Soft brown hair, warm brown eyes filled with kindness and care, softly tanned silky-smooth skin, well trained muscles, slender waist, cute butt... Aya shook his head and cursed himself.

Would you stop doing that! I've seen Ken before thank you very much, he muttered to himself. So Ken had a lot of nice features, but why had they gotten so damn stuck on his mind? The amused voice that always pissed him off informed him that he was falling for his team-mate.

Aya bit his lip. It sure looked that way didn't it? Not that it made the slightest difference since Ken obviously didn't return the feelings. Suddenly the redhead felt very tired and it had nothing to do with the fact that he hadn't been able to sleep.

"Aya-kun?" a sleepy voice asked. Omi walked in and looked at the pair on the couch with confusion in his half-lidded eyes. Aya mentally kicked himself and forced his tense body to relax.

"Hai Omi?"

"Is he having nightmares again?"

"Aa," came the bland answer.

"It's a good thing you sit with him then. He likes you a lot," Omi yawned and rubbed his face. Aya froze completely. Ken liked him? But that wasn't possible.

"I don't think Ken would agree with you there."

"Ken-kun is almost as stubborn about showing how he really feels as you are," the small blonde mumbled and turned around. "I'm going back to bed again." Amethyst eyes stared after Omi utterly shocked.

~TBC~

Okay I think I've lost my touch *sighs* They're all so OOC here it ain't even funny and it just keeps getting worse… They're almost OC:s instead. *bangs her head* I'm so sorry minna-san. I'm not sure I'll continue this fic any longer due to my complete failure on the IC-department… Hm or what do you think? *sighs* I need help minna!!!/Atsureki