Broken Inside

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : Weiss Kreuz ain't mine and they never will be either *sighs*

Paring : Ran(Aya)/Ken

Warnings : Yaoi, OCC, angst (as always *mutters*)

Notes : Stuff written in Italic are thoughts.

This chapter sucks! Just so you know *bangs her head against the wall* I have no idea of what the hell I was thinking, or if I even was thinking at all, but… ARGH well here it is *sigh deeply* They're all way OOC and I don't know who is worse, Omi, Ken or Aya *grits teeth* Now go read and I'll be busy trying to kill myself in the bathroom! *grabs a heavy book to smash her head in with*

Chapter 8. Understanding The Man Behind The Mask

Ken seemed to have dealt with being alone and that relaxed Aya somewhat. But that had been for two hours what would happen if he was gone for a long time? Or if it was by night? Aya sighed inside. The fact that Ken couldn't sleep alone had already been painfully proven several times and even if the redhead was willing to expose Ken to being alone during the day he was in no way going to abandon the brunette at night.

He had promised he would help, that he wouldn't leave, that he would take care of Ken and there wasn't a fiber in his being that was willing to break those promises. The question was, was he helping of hurting the brunette by sticking to his word? Aya sighed again. Why did everything always have to be so damn complicated?

He turned around and watched Ken help one of the school-girls. The small smile on his face wasn't real but then it wasn't a complete fake one either. Almost as if Ken could feel Aya's eyes on him he turned around and the half smile turned into a full one. The redhead almost answered it before he went back to not listening to a small blonde girl who was babbling about something.

*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was dark outside and thunder shook the house every now and then. Yawning widely Ken padded from his room to Aya's door. He had waited until he was sure Omi and Yoji had gone to bed so that they wouldn't notice how he snuck into their leader's bedroom. Without knocking he entered and walked up to the bed.

Amethyst eyes met his but no words were spoken. Instead the redhead just moved over slightly and held up the covers inviting Ken to join him. The brunette slid down beside the older assassin but didn't touch him. He didn't want to push things and he was curious of seeing whether or not Aya would want him closer.

The answer came almost immediately. He was poked in the back and willingly turned to lie on his side. Aya's chest pressed against his back and strong pale arms wrapped around him. Ken smiled to himself. He was being spooned by Aya! The redhead nuzzled his neck softly and made his whole body tingle.

"Aya?" he asked quietly.

"Aa," came the hushed reply against his skin. The redhead continued nuzzling his neck and cool fingers played over his bare arms. Ken turned his head to the left and captured Aya's lips. The kiss was soft, caring but didn't really hold any of the lust it had that morning.

"Aya…" the brunette mumbled when their lips parted.

"Aa."

"I think I love you." At those words the redhead froze completely and the arms around Ken were removed.

*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I think I love you." Aya went completely rigid at that. Without thinking he withdrew his arms from around Ken. It wasn't that he didn't want to hear those words, it was just that… he was scared. Were Ken's feelings for him real or was it just a result of the brunette needing him? Could he honestly dig up the emotions that loving Ken called for? "Aya?" Ken asked with his voice flooded with hurt and tears. The redhead acted instinctivly when he heard those emotions from the other man. His arms pulled Ken close again. "I'm sorry Aya," the brunette mumbled while his tears ran from his eyes.

"Sch Ken," Aya said softly and wiped them away.

"But you didn't want me to say that, did you?" Aya couldn't answer, didn't know how to explain how he felt inside. His tongue was useless and his throat so dry.

Desperate for a way out he pushed Ken onto his back and claimed his lips, hoping and praying that his actions could tell the brunette what he couldn't get out vocaly. At first Ken answered the almost desperate kiss and then Aya was pushed away.

"Ken," the redhead sighed and tried to get Ken to meet his eyes.

"Why Aya? Why are you playing with me? Do you feel so much pity for me that you'd be willing to sleep with me just to… to keep me from going insane?"

Aya felt like someone had ripped his heart out and smached it into the gutter. He had so many feelings for Ken but pity wasn't one of them. Unfortunately his mouth decided not to work again so he couldn't reply, not that he had a clue of what to say.

*~*~*~*~*~*~

Tears that he had desperately tried to fight continued to run down his cheeks as amethyst eyes stared at him. Aya didn't want him, at least not in the same way he wanted Aya. Ken felt and heard his heart break into even smaller pieces. The redhead pitied him, that was why he had gone along with the kissing and touching.

"Ken." Aya's normally so strong and deep voice sounded thin, lost and unsure. Ken refused to look at the older man, refused to see the pity he was sure would be in those gem-like eyes. "I…" Aya the Icicle was lost for words and Ken would have laughed had the situation been any other.

"You're just doing this to keep me from fucking up during missions, aren't you?" the brunette asked harshly.

"No," was the short answer he got.

"Then why? Am I so pathetic?"

"Ken I'm… I'm…" The brunette froze inside. That was a tone he had never ever heard before in Aya's voice. It was fear. Carefully he turned his head and met the redhead's eyes. Aya was crying. He didn't understand, couldn't grasp what he saw and heard. "I'm afraid," the silent man finally managed to whisper. Confusion stormed through Ken like a fire on the loose. He's scared? How can Aya be scared? Scared of what? The questions ran through the brunette.

"Of what?" Ken asked when he succeeded in getting his thoughts back on track again.

"Of you." Now that was not the answer he had expected at all. Why? How? To Ken's knowledge there was only one thing Aya feared and that was losing his sister, but she was safe. So why be afraid of him? The whole concept was just too incomprehensible.

"Why?" The redhead's eyes looked away and their owner pulled back.

"Because I… need you," Aya finally answered.

"But… You're the one who's been saving me over and over again… I'm the one who needs you, who's depending on you to keep me together. I don't understand!" Ken felt so confused and almost as if he was panicking. He didn't get an answer instead Aya left the room with his shoulders pushed forward and his head lowered to the floor in defeat.

*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aya trembled as he quickly went downstairs. He grabbed his coat and pulled on a pair of shoes without caring if they were his or not. The rain outside had him soaked before he reached his car but it didn't matter. He just had to get away from Ken and all the feelings, the insecurity and fear he felt around the brunette.

It was tearing him apart and the fact that Ken still wasn't healed inside didn't make it any easier. Tears trailed down his pale cheeks as Aya sped down the dark and empty street. He was running, running from Ken but mostly from himself.

For years he had shut down his feelings and now he finally realized how disturbed that had made him. It was too hard, hurt too much to set them free again. He had wanted to tell Ken that he loved him but he couldn't get the words out like he had been able to when the brunette was asleep.

The white porsche stormed down the wet street much faster then what was safe. Then suddenly Aya slammed his foot on the break causing the car to fishtail all over the road. Just barely he escaped from being crushed against a house before the car stopped.

Gasping for air the redhead hugged himself. He was going to have to straighten out things with Ken before he really lost him. Shaking badly he turned the car around and headed back to the house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ken almost ran from Aya's bedroom. He didn't know what was going on and the shear thought of being alone made him whimper in fear. Not only was he going to have to face his past alone again but now he also had to deal with… having done something wrong towards Aya. Something that he didn't understand, that he couldn't grasp just what it was. He was so tired and he felt more broken than ever. Without the redhead he didn't know how to handle his fears but Aya was gone.

"Ken-kun?" a soft voice asked and the brunette looked up.

"Yes Omi." The small blonde came in and sat down on his bed.

"Where's Aya-kun?" Ken didn't answer and he didn't have to either, his short team-mate seemed to understand just by looking at him. "You two are hopeless," Omi sighed.

"Huh?"

"He's scared Ken-kun." Ken stared. How did Omi know that?

"How? Eh he told me that," the brunette stammered.

"But do you understand why?" Omi asked softly. Ken shook his head at that. "Aya isn't really Aya anymore." Brown eyes shone with confusion.

"What do you mean?"

"You know that Aya is really Ran, right?"

"Yes but…"

"Why do you think he's been hiding behind that mask all these years?" Ken didn't answer because he wasn't sure he knew. "I talked to Aya-chan a lot before she left for school and she told me about Ran, the real Ran. Unlike Aya Ran is a very nice and caring person but he's also insecure. Don't get me wrong I know Aya cares about us even if he doesn't always show it but…" Omi's voice trailed off. "Ken, you've forced Aya to dig up Ran again and he doesn't understand, or know how to handle, him anymore."

"But I… haven't…"

"Done anything?" Omi suggested and got a nod from Ken. The petit blonde smiled at that. "You did plenty Ken-kun. You gave him someone to care about, protect, help… someone to love." The brunette's eyes widened and his throat suddenly became very very dry. "Why do you think he's been watching your every move for months? Every time you've crashed Aya's been heartbroken. He cares so much for you but he doesn't understand, doesn't know how to handle it. Aya-chan is worried about him too but she can't reach him, he won't let her. You have to see the man that's behind Aya's mask and I know you're the one who's seen him the most. But you…"

"But I've been too occupied with my own problems," Ken almost whispered.

"NO!" Omi frowned. "The timing was bad, that 's all. Have you any idea of how much Aya suffered when Morioka-san put you on those drugs? It was killing him to see you like that. He loves you Ken-kun." The brunette tried to digest what Omi was telling him.

"But when I told him I loved him he just froze."

"You probably scared him half to death Ken-kun. It might not be in the very same way with him as it is with you but, Aya is just as broken inside as you are. You need him to heal just as he needs you to heal." A lot of times Omi seemed to be a genki carefree kid but he was sharp and nothing usually managed to sneak past him which was confirmed to Ken by the soft voice that spoke to him now. The slender blonde patted his friend's shoulder and rose. "Help him Ken-kun, I don't think anyone else can." With those words Omi left the brunette alone with his problems and thoughts.

~TBC or maybe not~

Keep in mind that this is one of the ways I look at Aya's 'problem' so don't flame me about it okay?! Ja/Atsureki