By Admiral Albia
Divination! And Potions.
Note; All quotes and songs will be marked. If it's not marked (and this
applies to Chapter 1 too), then I wrote it. Just to sort out any problems
which may arise with people saying `That's not Shakespeare!` when they
read Chapter 1, for example. I know it's not Shakespeare, I wrote
it. ^_^
On the same note, I'm going to try to make sure
Sirius sings songs that are in keeping with his timeline. That unfortunately
means that he will NOT be singing `Who Let the Dogs Out` unless someone
introduces it to him. You can expect 50's/60's rock and roll, though. ^_^
OK, so it's a little out, but I don't know much 70's music.
Disclaimer; If I owned Harry Potter, I would be working my arse off writing TOOTP(Book Five), not this crap. Sorry.
Warning; This chapter; Angsty, lots of swearing (Siri's talking about Peter).
Chapter Five; Trelawney and Snape
The bell went. Sirius headed off to the library,
explaining briefly that he had a free period now, and Remus joined Harry
and Ron for Divination.
The first sound they heard was, unfortunately, that of Professor Trelawney's voice; a depressing start to a Divination lesson, especially as she was stating the obvious.
"Ah, I see we have a new student in our ranks."
"No you don't," Remus called helpfully. "You have an old student in your ranks. Have you been to the Inner Optician's recently, Professor?" Most of the class sniggered, excepting of course the Divination fanatics Parvati and Lavender, who pretended they hadn't heard.
"You need not jest, dear," Trelawney's voice said as she appeared in the room and fixed her eyes on Remus. "I have told the future true for you before, have I not?" She gestured to Harry. "James is dead, is he not?"
"Yes, Professor, but you said he'd die in a Quidditch accident in third year, not in a murder case aged twen-" Remus slapped his hand over his mouth before he could finish the age and carried on. "Anyway, it was pure fluke."
"The fates do not fluke."
"Actually, if you read between the lines, the fates are fluke." Remus grinned. "Say, for example... how would one go about predicting the end of the world?" Trelawney looked happier now her new/old student seemed to be asking sensible questions.
"Why, dear, one would use a crystal ball, and incense, and one would...."
"Read the Bible," Remus said helpfully.
"No, dear."
"Yes, you would."
"Why then?" The werewolf shrugged.
"Well, it says in the Bible that no man may know when the world will end.[1] Therefore, all those predictions made to find the end of the world must be wrong, right?" The teacher nodded slowly. "Well. There've been so many predictions made for the end of the world, and if we all did that too it'd come up different for each of us, that if you took all the predictions for the end of the world you'd be able to narrow it down to one date. With me so far?" Now the entire class was listening, and a few - those a couple of steps ahead of Remus - were beginning to smirk. "And, since no man may know the date of the Apocalypse, then therefore that date would also be wrong, and the world will never end." Remus sat back contentedly on his pouffe. "Simple logic..."
"Yes...." Trelawney said slowly. Then she smiled
happily. "Well done, dear! You've solved the mystery of the Apocalypse!
I always knew you had the makings of a true Seer..."
"Well, that sure backfired," Remus muttered as he sat down at the same table as Harry and Ron, preparing to crystal-gaze. Ron sniggered.
"Funny, though."
"I just wish she'd realise when I was playing her up," Remus sighed, then sat back, glanced at the ball and said patiently, "I foresee that, at full moon, I will undergo a painful and horrifying transformation... my God, that was hard to predict..." they laughed, then hastily put on thoughtful expressions as Trelawney came past. "Harry, your turn..."
It need hardly be noted that Harry was told he would die.
Sirius, who hadn't been seen all lunch hour, was waiting for them outside the classroom, with his nose in a book, muttering to himself. As soon as he saw Remus he thrust the book at his friend, said `Test me`, then went straight into a speech without waiting for an answer.
"Now, ere the sun advance his burning eye
The day to cheer and night's dank dew to dry,
I must up-fill this osier-cage of ours
With baleful weeds and precious-juiced flowers
The earth that's nature's mother is her tomb;
And from her womb children of divers kind
We sucking on her natural bosom find.
Many for many virtues excellent,
None but for some, and yet all different.
O mickle is the powerful grace that lies
In plants, herbs, stones, and their true qualities.
For naught so vile that on the earth doth live...[2]
well, look who's here!"
Snape scowled. Sirius smirked.
"Y'know, I always thought that passage reminded me of someone... now I know who."
"Give me the book."
"Why, certainly," Sirius said cheerfully, handing
it over. "Now you're a teacher, I suppose you're allowed to steal books
from other teachers and get away with it, aren't you?" He grinned at the
teacher's face. "Yes, I remember that incident as well as you do. I also
happen to know that that book is the very same one you stole last
time, and... oh, I can have it back? Thank you. How generous."
Once they were inside the class, and making an invisibility potion in pairs, things began to get out of hand.
First, Neville's potion went wrong, melting his seventh cauldron and causing Snape to snap at him. This in turn led to Remus' snapping at Snape, which led to a round of point losses for Gryffindor.
Then Sirius, completely by accident, splashed Remus. This would have been less of a problem if Remus hadn't been a werewolf.
A werewolf is a wolf who lives with (or in this case in) a human.
So is a dog.
So Remus' first reaction, on being splashed with a cold liquid, was to shake himself vigorously, thus transferring the potion to everyone else around him.
Including Snape, who had been standing over him at the time.
"Oops, sorry everyone..."
"Stupid werewolf," Snape spat, retreating to his desk in case of any other flying potions. Remus grabbed the back of Sirius' robes (made harder because they were partially invisible), and said in a perfectly neutral voice,
"Yes, I am, aren't I. Pass the water, Sirius..."
"I'm sure we're all aware that Black wets the bed, Lupin, there's no need to tell everyone," Snape said viciously. Sirius went bright red.
Nobody laughed, though, because neither the Gryffindors nor the Slytherins were quite sure which House he was siding with.
"At least he knows a use for water," Remus said calmly. "Tell me, Snapey, have you actually discovered what shampoo is for yet?"
"Have you had a bath yet?" Remus flinched.
"No, but at least I'm clean. Have you got over the loss of your one true love James Potter yet?"
It was an insult they'd never used in front of James, and one that was only ever used when things were reaching the punching stage. Harry looked mildly surprised, but didn't say anything. Sirius smirked, but he was still trying to avoid the stares of the half of the class who happened to find the fact that he was a bed-wetter more interesting than the near-fight between Snape and Remus.
Remus noticed vaguely that he was acting like James, and quelled that thought quickly. Realising that he wasn't acting right would only make him try to act more normally, and that was precisely what he didn't want right now. On his agenda of things to do today, `Playing Snape Up` was currently right at the top of the list, especially after that crack about Sirius' bladder; his friend only wet himself when he was either scared or having a nightmare, and if he had more nightmares than was usual then that certainly wasn't anything to laugh about.
Snape twitched. It was interesting, Remus thought belatedly through the rush of adrenaline and lycanthropy hormones racing through his system, the way he did that... if Remus hadn't known better he might have thought there was an element of truth in it.[3]
"Detention," the teacher said softly. "Both of you." Remus shrugged.
"OK."
[2] Shakespeare - Romeo and Juliet - Act 2 Scene 3 lines 1-13.
[3] Don't worry, this is NOT going to turn into a Snape/James fic. I mean, gay pairings yes, I'm all in favour of gay pairings, but Snape/James? Ewwww....
*sighs* Wrong detention! Right. The NEXT time they get detention will be the angsty one, and I hate my plots when they develop like this....
Review! And if ONE person even SUGGESTS that this could become Snape/James, I will flame. READ THE FOOTNOTES! PLEASE!
[Snape/James? Euck!]