Author's Note: This is my first Weiß fic. And of coarse it is just full of
Aya angst/insanity.
Please don't flame me if I get something wrong from the actual story. I've never actually seen or read Weiß Kruez. So please all of you psychotic fans out there don't hunt me down and kill me. ^_^;
All of the poems at the beginning have been written or co-written by my friend anglgurl.
Disclaimer: I don't own Weiß and if you didn't already know that then your beyond any help that I can suggest.
Warning: Language, yaoi, shonen ai, may change in latter chapters.
Chapter 1: Hiding in Shadows
~~~Aya/Ran's POV~~~
Shadows blind and cover my path.
Reality as ominous as the nightmare.
I lie here awake and waiting
For my shadows to engulf me
And take me back to sleep
To where my nighmares await me.
My shadows fallow me there.
There they are given shape and a name.
It is your name.
Your shadows encircle me.
1 And I realize
I am lost.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's dark in my room. The light cannot reach me here. I will not let it. The darkness is where I belong. Light is too precious for creatures like me.
I can't go back to sleep. My dreams will find me there. I hadn't slept long before the found me and I woke up trembling. It was all because of that damn mission.
The mission was supposed to be simple. The target was no one in particular. I had never met him. That's what I thought until I reached his office. All I had to do was steel a disk. We were not told much about the mission including what was on the disk. I was to retrieve it while Yohji terminated the target. A simple enough mission, until I saw the picture sitting on his desk. Even in the dark I could still see it clearly. The image of the picture on his desk still floated through my mind. It was a picture of him standing under a plush, green tree in some unnamed park. He was probably in his early fifties by now, dark blond hair was streaked with gray and slicked back in a conservative fashion, a carefree smirk curved at his lips, and an arm draped his shoulder in a friendly gesture.
It was Him. He had a smile on his face. The bastard!
And then I noticed the light blinking on the answering machine. I don't know what made me press the play button. I just did.
It was Him.
"Hey Joru, it's Masako. Listen I need you to do me a favor. I need you to get one of your boys to look up a name for me. The name's Fujimiya Ran. I owe him something. I'll give you the details at lunch tomorrow."
I remembered him after that. His name was Eto Joru. I had seen him at our home a couple of times. I never knew what he did or who he was all I know is that he had close ties with the family business.
All the memories came back to me when I saw that picture. I hated that picture. It brought back my pain. It made me remember His face.
He's the reason why I'm here. He's the reason I can never go into the light again. He's the reason why I must remain in the shadows.
That was a week ago. Why is He still haunting me? Why can't He just leave me alone? Why can't I forget? Why can't I let go?
I can't go to sleep. If I do He will be there. I'm not strong enough to face Him.
It took me a long time to finally admit that to myself. I'm not strong enough. I had for so long tried to block out anything that would make me weak, that would make me vulnerable.
I wasn't strong enough to protect Aya. I wasn't strong enough to protect Katia or any of them for that matter. I'm not even strong enough anymore to protect Weiß.
I will have to leave Weiß. I don't want to. As much as I hate to admit it, I like it here. I like being with them. They have become my family now. And I cannot hurt them. I cannot let what happened to Aya happen to them. It's selfish to stay here. It's me He wants. I have to lead Him away from Aya and Weiß.
Why did this have to happen to me now? I had almost forgotten Him. I had almost gotten back a piece of my sanity. What's left of it anyhow? Aya was safe. She was going to school and from what I had heard she was happy.
She deserved it. But still I couldn't help but feel a little more than hurt at the fact that she could live without me when I couldn't live without her. I needed her for an excuse to exist. I needed her to feel I still had a purpose, to think that there was still a part of me that was still Ran.
There is nothing there now. No purpose no reason, to exist.
I don't even know who Ran was. Ran was a lie, a lie that I have lived my whole life until I became Aya.
It comforted me in a way to be Aya. I knew who he was. I knew what he was. Even though he scared me I still knew who he was and what he made me.
I am nobody now. I can no longer hide in Aya.
Now I understood that I never really was Ran or Aya. I was just hiding in their shadows. Now I have nowhere to hide. I have to face my shadows as myself. But I don't know who I am. I never knew. I am a stranger to myself. All I can do now is sit and wait for my shadows to drag me into the darkness of my own insanity.
~~~TBC~~~
::evil grin:: I'm so mean to poor Aya. But he's just so easy to torture.
Well review and tell me if I should continue or not.
Please don't flame me if I get something wrong from the actual story. I've never actually seen or read Weiß Kruez. So please all of you psychotic fans out there don't hunt me down and kill me. ^_^;
All of the poems at the beginning have been written or co-written by my friend anglgurl.
Disclaimer: I don't own Weiß and if you didn't already know that then your beyond any help that I can suggest.
Warning: Language, yaoi, shonen ai, may change in latter chapters.
Chapter 1: Hiding in Shadows
~~~Aya/Ran's POV~~~
Shadows blind and cover my path.
Reality as ominous as the nightmare.
I lie here awake and waiting
For my shadows to engulf me
And take me back to sleep
To where my nighmares await me.
My shadows fallow me there.
There they are given shape and a name.
It is your name.
Your shadows encircle me.
1 And I realize
I am lost.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's dark in my room. The light cannot reach me here. I will not let it. The darkness is where I belong. Light is too precious for creatures like me.
I can't go back to sleep. My dreams will find me there. I hadn't slept long before the found me and I woke up trembling. It was all because of that damn mission.
The mission was supposed to be simple. The target was no one in particular. I had never met him. That's what I thought until I reached his office. All I had to do was steel a disk. We were not told much about the mission including what was on the disk. I was to retrieve it while Yohji terminated the target. A simple enough mission, until I saw the picture sitting on his desk. Even in the dark I could still see it clearly. The image of the picture on his desk still floated through my mind. It was a picture of him standing under a plush, green tree in some unnamed park. He was probably in his early fifties by now, dark blond hair was streaked with gray and slicked back in a conservative fashion, a carefree smirk curved at his lips, and an arm draped his shoulder in a friendly gesture.
It was Him. He had a smile on his face. The bastard!
And then I noticed the light blinking on the answering machine. I don't know what made me press the play button. I just did.
It was Him.
"Hey Joru, it's Masako. Listen I need you to do me a favor. I need you to get one of your boys to look up a name for me. The name's Fujimiya Ran. I owe him something. I'll give you the details at lunch tomorrow."
I remembered him after that. His name was Eto Joru. I had seen him at our home a couple of times. I never knew what he did or who he was all I know is that he had close ties with the family business.
All the memories came back to me when I saw that picture. I hated that picture. It brought back my pain. It made me remember His face.
He's the reason why I'm here. He's the reason I can never go into the light again. He's the reason why I must remain in the shadows.
That was a week ago. Why is He still haunting me? Why can't He just leave me alone? Why can't I forget? Why can't I let go?
I can't go to sleep. If I do He will be there. I'm not strong enough to face Him.
It took me a long time to finally admit that to myself. I'm not strong enough. I had for so long tried to block out anything that would make me weak, that would make me vulnerable.
I wasn't strong enough to protect Aya. I wasn't strong enough to protect Katia or any of them for that matter. I'm not even strong enough anymore to protect Weiß.
I will have to leave Weiß. I don't want to. As much as I hate to admit it, I like it here. I like being with them. They have become my family now. And I cannot hurt them. I cannot let what happened to Aya happen to them. It's selfish to stay here. It's me He wants. I have to lead Him away from Aya and Weiß.
Why did this have to happen to me now? I had almost forgotten Him. I had almost gotten back a piece of my sanity. What's left of it anyhow? Aya was safe. She was going to school and from what I had heard she was happy.
She deserved it. But still I couldn't help but feel a little more than hurt at the fact that she could live without me when I couldn't live without her. I needed her for an excuse to exist. I needed her to feel I still had a purpose, to think that there was still a part of me that was still Ran.
There is nothing there now. No purpose no reason, to exist.
I don't even know who Ran was. Ran was a lie, a lie that I have lived my whole life until I became Aya.
It comforted me in a way to be Aya. I knew who he was. I knew what he was. Even though he scared me I still knew who he was and what he made me.
I am nobody now. I can no longer hide in Aya.
Now I understood that I never really was Ran or Aya. I was just hiding in their shadows. Now I have nowhere to hide. I have to face my shadows as myself. But I don't know who I am. I never knew. I am a stranger to myself. All I can do now is sit and wait for my shadows to drag me into the darkness of my own insanity.
~~~TBC~~~
::evil grin:: I'm so mean to poor Aya. But he's just so easy to torture.
Well review and tell me if I should continue or not.