KOF--The New Challengers' Millionaire Dream Slugfest Never Ends.
2002! A brand new year, with a brand new fight! As we speak, the teams are registering with their respective countries! What say we take a look at them?
Our journey begins in the United States of America, where a popular trio tries once again to register with their home country.
US Registrar: So, Mister...Bogard...you want to enter the King of Fighters tournament this year representing America?
Andy: Yes. Me, my brother Terry, and our friend Joe Higashi.
Terry: OK!
Andy: Yes, you're on the team, Terry.
Registrar: I see...now, Joe Higashi? Is that American, or oriental?
Andy: To be honest, we're not sure..but we do know that he is the Thai kickboxing champion!
Registrar: I thought that was a huge bald man with a scar on his chest...anyways....we've employed the same team of Lucky, Brian, and Heavy D for the past seven years, and we've already paid them in advance.
Andy: They haven't been in the tournament for five years!
Registrar: What??? Then what have they been doing?
(Meanwhile, in the back alleys of the '97 tournament's main arena...)
Lucky: D, you gots da shit?
Heavy D: Yeah, dey give us da money every year! They dope, man!
Brian: I am so high....
(Back at the registration office...)
Registrar: Well, if that's the case...then I guess we need a new team. Well, what are your "super moves"?
Andy: Aah, maybe I should let my brother demonstrate his. Mine mostly involve yelling.
Registrar: Alright..then, show us what you can do, Mister Bogard.
Terry: OK!
(Terry shows off each of his moves on a conviently placed practice dummy)
Terry: Barn nackoo! Powah waay! Rounna Waay! Riseen Taco! Crack Shoo! Powah Duck! Omasheet..Gaysah!!
Registrar: That last one doesn't sound child-appropriate..
Andy: The "Overheat Geyser"?
Registrar: Um...never mind..well, can we get a quote from Terry?
Terry: OK!
Registrar: .......Well?
Terry: .....OK!
Andy: He's not normally like this, sir.. (Andy pats Terry on the back)
Registrar: Well...there's one more team that wants an interview. (he presses a button and speaks into a microphone. A few seconds later, the door opens and Geese Howard walks through)
Terry: Geeeeekk.. (Andy puts his arm out in fromt of Terry)
Andy: Quiet, Terry... Geese, I thought we killed you!
Geese: You would have...If I didn't invest in Howard's Plate-Glass Window and Balcony Insurance! (he turns to face the camera) If you're a megalomanical villian, or just a corporate bastard, you don't want to face the uncertainty of being pushed out of your 100th-floor office and sent screaming to your death, Howard's Insurance turns that fear into comfort. If you're killed by a deadly fall from your ivory tower, Howard's Insurance will be there to pick up the pieces and make a brand-new clone, free of charge! I'm not just the preisdent, I'm also a client!
Andy: Um... Yeah...
Geese: And I assume you'd like to meet my teammates for 2002... Wolfy, come forward!
(Wolfgang Krauser steps through the door as well)
Andy: Now, wait a minute! I know Terry killed you in Special!!
Krauser: He would have, had I not invested in Howard's Plate-Glass Window and Balcony Insurance! Take it from me, that even though my plan to become an invincible warlord has failed, thanks to Howard's Insurance, I can rebuild my reign of terror! Thanks, Howard Corporation! (he turns to the camera and flashes a thumbs up)
Andy: God, not another one...
Registrar: Where's YOUR third member, Mister Howard?
Geese: He said he had some "bidness" to take care of.
(Andy looks down through the window to see Mai, Mary, Joe, and Mister Big engaged in a conversation)
Andy: Is that him down there? Mister Big?
Geese: Yes...
(Joe hands Mister Big a stack of what appears to be money, then points to both Mai and Mary. Mister Big nods, and Joe laughs and shakes his hand)
Andy: It looks like he's.... He... THAT BASTARD!! HE'S PIMPING OUT MAI AND MARY!!!!
Krauser: Wait...isn't that...
geese: It is! A plate-glass window!!
(Geese and Krauser run and jump out the window, and fall to their deaths atop Mister Big)
Registrar: Well, that's the answer to our question.
Terry: OK!
Now we move to Japan, where there is action all around! There are dozens of idols and stars, but none as popular this year as Iori Yagami! This year, Iori is attempting to enter as a single entry, as is his preference. He is stopped, however, by some former teammates...
Vice & Mature: Hiya, Iori-honey!
Iori: V...Vice? Mature??? I killed you!
Mature: True, but I invested in Howard's--
Iori: I ripped you to shreds!
Vice: I thought you said you weren't aware of what happened while you were in your Blood Riot.
Iori: "Blood Riot"? Oh...y-yeah, Blood Riot! I don't remember a damn thing! Err... Where did you disappear to for the last four years, wonderful team-mate Mature?
Mature: Yeah...Well, after Mister Orochi-freak tore me a great many new ones, Howard Industries cloned me and let me join, provided I spy on--dammit!
Iori: Spy?
Mature: Nevermind!
Vice: Don't worry, Mature. I'm a spy for Rugal. Everyone knows it. Whip's a spy for the Ikari Warriors. Blue Mary used to be a spy for Howard, but she quit. You know why? 'Cause EVERYONE KNEW. I mean come on, Mature, do you seriously think the "I'm not a spy for Geese Howard!" sticker on your blouse is helping any? Being a spy is part of being on a team that makes no sense, so live with it! Blue Mary was lucky to get on a different team.
Iori: I'm a spy for my band...
Mature: You have a band?
Iori: Yeah, it's part of the major sub-plot.
Mature: But you have the look and voice of a child molester!
Iori: Sshhhh! Don't say that! It's a bad idea!
Mature: What, that you're an ugly freak with no talent? Oh, and by the way, your pants are tied together..
Iori: No! Quiet!!!
Mature: I'll say it as much as I want! IORI IS LAME!!!
(the ground starts to shake and a rumbling noise fills the sky)
Iori: I warned you....
Mature: What?
(suddenly Mature is surrounded by a legion of girls foaming at the mouth. Many of them have poor posture or red hair over one eye. One that looks exactly like Iori leads the group)
Fangirl: You heard her! Get her!!!
(Mature is torn to pieces by the swarm of fangirls)
Vice: Oh, my God....(she throws up)
Iori: That's why I can't keep a girlfriend...
Vice: Oh, well..I guess I better call Geese and send someone out to reassemble our teammate.
Now we turn our attention to Shingo Yabuki, who is still attempting to get on a team with his master and idol, Kyo. He's using his cell phone, as Kyo runs away whenever he sees him.
Shingo: What rule? Let me look through the booklet... It says here: Chapter 7, Section MCXVII, Part G: "No team may have two members with the same moves". DAMMIT! Oh, well.. Maybe next year, right, Master Kyo? Wait! what about Takuma and Ryo? They don't count? (Shingo hears a rustling noise behind him, but he ignores it) Come on, remember the scene I had to make to get into a fight back in '98??? I nearly beat up the entire team by myself! And then you disappeared in '99... (the rustling grows louder, and Shingo pauses for a second Uum...what was I saying? Well, anyways, I'll change my moves! Do them backwards or something! Hmm... What if I pair up with one of your clones? They have different moves---AIEEEEE! (Shingo drops the phone as he is pounced upon by a fangirl)
Kyo: Shingo? Hello? What's wrong?
(the phone's batteries run out, and Kyo decides to find his student)
(back in the alleyway)
Shingo: Aieee! Let go of me!!! Master Kyo!!! Help meeeee!!!
Fangirl: Calm down, Shingo! Geez, you're more hyper than me!
Shingo: Who are you?
Fangirl: I'm Kirsten! I'm your biggest fan!
Shingo: A fanboy's fangirl... That's pathetic..
Kirsten: I know! (she smiles as she holds on to him)
Shingo: Would you let go of me?
Kirsten: Not a chance! I'm gonna be your partner in the 2002 tournament!
Shingo: Isn't there already a fangirl in the tournament?
Kirsten: Damn... Then I gotta think of a way to get you into the tournament..
(Kirsten pauses and growls as a man rounds the corner. He's hard to see, but his shirt has a huge cross on it.)
Kyo: Shin--
Kirsten: Aaaaiieee!!! A Mormon priest!!! Keep away from my Shingo!!! (she jumps on Kyo and tears him to shreads)
Shingo: Oh no!!! Master Kyo!!!!!!
Kirsten: Oops... Hmm... (all that remains are Kyo's clothes) I have an idea! I'll get you on Kyo's team yet!
Meanwhile, in Korea, a certain pair of criminals has determined to committ a crime again...
Choi: So where're the goods, Chang?
Chang: Goods?
Choi: You know, that candy bar you stole!
Chang: Stole?
Choi: You forgot to steal the candy bar? You've foiled my evil plans again!
Chang: But...that would be stealing...
Choi: .....I know. That's why I couldn't do it....
Kim: What's up, guys?
Choi: We....We...We're sorry, Master!!! We thought about stealing!!! Please forgive us!!!
Kim: Hmm..well, Justice lives in the heart, and if you commit a crime in your heart, you are committing a crime against Justice!!
Chang: ....What?
Choi: Don't worry, I'm sure he knows what he's talking about.
Kim: All will be forgiven when we win the tournament this year.
Choi: What happened to Jhun?
Kim: I don't know. For some reason, he went blind. But the doctors say he'll be better next year. (Kim smiles, and the shine off his teeth shatter the camera lens)
Chang & Choi: Aieee!!! The light!!!
Kim: Damn! That always happens... This camera must not be accustomed to my aura of righteousness!
Choi: Yeah... That's it... Could you warn us before you smile next time?
Chang: Besides, we've lost every year. It's always been the Japan Team that wins!
Kim: But this year, we have--
Choi: We always have "Justice" on our side! What we don't have is balance! Look, I'm super-agile, Chang's super-strong, and you're super-dorky! We all have weak spots that make us vulnerable! That's why we keep losing!
Kim: Maybe...they have more Justice on their side?
Choi: You weren't listening to me at all!!!
Meanwhile, in a secret military base...
Heidern: Men!
Leona: (ahem!)
Heidern: And woman.. Do you know why you're here?
Ralf: The same reason we're here every year Pinky, to try and TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!
Heidern: No, that's our secondary goal.
Clark: Yous came heeah to tell ahs too entah intoo da Keeng off Fighters tournamahnt. Laahk every ather yeer.
Heidern: That's right. This year, we have reason to suspect that the NESTS cartel--
Leona: We defeated the NESTS cartel! That storyline is over with!
Heidern: Oh, yeah? Then how do you explain this?! (On screen it shows people that look like Kyo, Iori, Shingo, and many of the other fighters in the tournament)
Leona: Sir, those are OTAKU.
Heidern: What's an "otaku"? Those're clones if I ever saw them! Poor-quality clones, but clones nonetheless!
Leona: Sir..an otaku is a person completely obsessed with something. They are 16-year-olds imitating their favorite fighter.
Heidern: Hmm...They sound suspicious... I don't like 'em... Okay, men, this year your mission shall be twofold! defeat the NESTS cartel..
Leona: I said that NESTS is gone! They went bankrupt trying to keep their clones' outfits updated with the real Kyo's!!!
Heidern: Grr... Like I said...
Leona: (sigh)
Heidern: Defeat the NESTS cartel, and eliminate every last one of these "otaku".
Leona: WHAT???
Ralf: Oh, hell yeah! It's genocide time, baby!
Clark: I weeel craash their puny hehds ihn!
Leona: Oh, god....I feel sick..
Ralf: We're goin' to a con, pals!
At around the same time, an idol is crying her eyes out...
Athena: Waaaaah!!!!!
(Kensou runs in)
Kensou: Athena, what's--aaugh!!
Athena: I know! I.. I'm BALD!!!
Kensou: Well, you're not COMPLETELY bald.. You've still got hair on your..
Chin: Quiet, boy! This is not an adult fanfic!!!
Kensou: Oh..right.. Well, how did it happen?
Athena: I dunno! Every year more and more of my hair keeps falling out...and now it's ALL GONE!!!
Chin: Actually, I think I know the problem..
Athena: What?
Chin: The powers that you use are psychic. They bring forth energy and power from your mind!
Athena: So?
Chin: You blew all the fuses on your hair! All psycic people are bald! I mean, look at Miss Cleo!
Kensou: Miss Cleo's not bald...
Chin: And she's not psychic, either!
Athena: But does that mean it'll never grow back?
Chin: Generally.
Athena: ......(she resumes her crying fit)
Kensou: (whispers to chin) Do you want to remind her that she's a goddess and can do whatever she wants, or should I?
Chin: I'm not going near her..
In an alley not too far away...
Takuma: We're here, Ryo, now what did you want to tell us?
Robert: Yeah, this is interrupting my shopping for hair gel! (droplets of grease fall from Robert's hair and form a small puddle)
Ryo: .......Nevermind. Anyways, remember how we promised King we'd let her be on the Art of Fighting Team this year? Well, they reduced the team size back down to three, so..
Takuma: Aah, woman troubles! Heh heh! Want US to break the news to your girlfriend, eh?
Ryo: No, it's not that, it's just...
Robert: Damn, Ryo, you should just go up to that 'ho and smack her around and say "Make me a sandwich, bitch". Sometimes, when Yuri's all up in my face, I'll be like SMACK! (he makes a backhanding motion) "Take that, bitch! And make me a sandwich! And go join another team!!!"
Ryo: That's my sister, you son of a bitch!!! (He grabs Robert by the neck and shakes him, but Robert slips out as Ryo is very quickly covered in grease from Robert's hair)
(King peers around the corner, and sees the team)
King: I found you guys! Wait up, I'm coming!
Ryo: Wait, King!!
Takuma: Don't run so fast....
King: WhaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAA!!! (King slips on the now huge puddle of Robert's hair-grease and slides into a trash can. The trash can and mountains of filth fall on her and as she slowly gets up, a huge dog attacks her)
Ryo: King!! I'll get you to a hospital!!
(As he rushes by Robert, he winks, mouths "Thanks", and flashes a thumbs-up)
Takuma: Well, I guess that solves our dillema.
And somewhere not too far away, two small figures are competing for true supremacy...
Bao: Hah! My Charmelion is much better than your Gyrados!
Chris: Y...yeah? Well, go, Mewtwo!!!
(Chris frantically pushes buttons on his Game Boy, and Bao does the same in return)
Bao: I've had enough of your cheating, it's time to use my PSYCHO POWER!!! (Bao's hands start to glow blue)
Chris: Oh, yeah, well, I'll just use my Orochi power! (his hands start to glow blue)
Bao: Hey, Orochi power is purple!!!
Chris: Nuh-uh!!!
Bao: Uh-huh!!!
Chris: Liar, liar, pants on fire!!
Bao: Nuh-uh...(he sniffs the air) But something is on fire... (Bao and Chris look down then recoil in shock)
Bao & Chris: MY GAME BOY!!!
Bao: This is your fault, you Orochi doo-doo head!!!
Chris: Nuh-uh, it's your fault, Psycho poopie face!
Bao: You dookie-brain!
Chris: Miss Shermie!!!!!
Shermie: What is it now, Chris? Is Yashiro tyring to get you to play "Good Touch, Bad Touch" again?
Chris: No...(sniffle) That communist kid blew up my Game Boy....
Shermie: What do you want me to do about it?
Chris: I dunno...beat him up?
shermie: Hmm.. He looks like that kid who's been in KOF ever since we left.. We'll just enter in this year's tournament, and get revenge!
Chris: Oh, okay!
Bao: Actually...
Chris: There's no escaping your fate, you puny weakling!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Shermie: Alright, Chris.... Now, Uncle Yashiro said he wanted to have a talk with you..
Chris: Aaaaa!!! No!!! (he teleports away)
Shermie: Chris, wait!
(Yashiro walks out shirtless and in blue jeans)
Yashiro: I just wanted to ask him how he likes my "Orochi Yashiro" look for this year...
(Shermie and Yashiro teleport away)
Bao: I'm not in this year's tournament.....
Where the hell are we now? Still in Japan? Well, it's somewhere developed enough to have a "Denny's", because that's where we find our next team.
Angel: Well, K'9999, it sure took you long enough.
K'9999: I had business to attend to.
Kula: Yeah, getting experimented on by the government and having your robotic arm turn all huge and fleshy and taking over the city.....
Angel: That's Tetsuo.
K'9999: Kaneda!!!
Kula: Oh. Then who's he?
Angel: (sighs) He's K'9999. One of K''s clones.
Kula: Oh... He doesn't look like K'. How do you say his name?
Angel: (scratches her head) Damned if I know.
Kula: I mean, K' is said "Kay-Prime", but is this guy "Kay-Ninenineninenine", or "Kay-Prime-Ninenineninenine", or "Kay-To-the-Nine-Thousand-Nine-Hundred-and-Ninety-Ninth-Power?"
K'9999: That doesn't matter!
Kula: I still think he's Tetsuo.
K'9999: KANEDA!!!
Angel: What the hell are you doing, K'9999?
K'9999: What're you talking about
Angel: You keep screaming something whenever we say "Tetsuo"!
K'9999: KANEDA!!!
Angel: Stop it!!!
K'9999: Stop what?
Angel: Aargh!!! ..Anyways, I guess you want to know why I've called you to our secret base of operations..
Kula: We're in a Denny's. That's not a base.
Angel: Yes, it is! It is because we're piss-poor.
K'9999: Wait, we're bankrupt just because our satellite fell on our base? You're telling me you didn't have anything saved in, say, a BANK??
Angel: Well, the Kyo clones cost the cartel a lot of money...
K'9999: Cartel? What exactly were we a cartel of??? Drugs? Political power?
Kula: Lollipops!!!
Angel: Actually.... We just liked the word "cartel".... And "NESTS" doesn't stand for anything, either...
K'9999: That's pathetic! No investments???
Angel: Well, I had some money left, but the police keep giving me "indecent exposure" tickets.. And Kula's got a sugar habit...
Kula: I like trains!
Angel: Yeah... And you have to keep getting a new cape after you burn your old one up at the beginning of a fight! You go through as many as four a fight! And besides, M. Bison came up with that one back in '91.
K'9999: You calling me "unoriginal"???
Angel: Honey, you're the 9999th clone of that K-Prime guy, who I'm pretty sure's a clone of Kyo.. Of course you're unoriginal! But besides, I have a plan that will bring to fruitition the investments our idiot superiors put into the thousands of worldwide Kyo clones!
Kula: What is it???
(over at Kyo's house)
Kyo's Dad: What's that? ...Three and a half billion due in back child support? This has to be some kind of joke!
(back at the Denny's)
Angel: Err....nevermind that! But anyways, we'll have all the money we need if we enter the KOF 2002 tournament!
(Kula raises her hand.)
Angel: (sigh) What is it, Kula?
Kula: Will there be candy???
Angel: Sure... There'll be candy....
Kula: Yay!!!
K'9999: Question, Miss Angel...
Angel: What is it?
K'9999: You have almost ten thousand Kyo clones at your disposal. Why don't you enter them in the tournament?
Angel: Entry fee's too high.
K'9999: Then why don't you have them all get part-time jobs???
Angel: Apparently our superiors forgot to read Kusanagi's vital stats, or they would have realized that "hard work" goes on his "dislikes" list.
Kula: And they ate my candy!!! (she cries for a few seconds) But... They all came on a train! I like trains! I want to ride on a train to the tournament! Can we ride a train to the tournament? 'Cause I really like trains!!! When I grow up I want to be a train.....
Finally, we get to go to another country! Canada! Canada? What the hell kind of fighting team comes from Canada?? The ones that have won for the past three years???? There's no way I'm buying that, but let's check them out anyways.
Whip:But darling, we're only related by genetics!
K':I don't care, it's still nasty!!
Whip:(sniffle)But....but..
K':I mean, c'mon, don't you fight with that whip??
Whip:I'll use my backup..pleeeeease?
K':NO!! It just seems so...wrong!
Whip:But...but...
(The ground shakes as Maxima walks in)
Maxima:What's up?
Whip:K' is so mean to me...
Maxima:What do you mean?
Whip:He won't play with me...
Maxima:Now, why not?
K':She's my sister!!
Maxima:Waitaminute...sister?
K':Yeah.
Whip:So? Why does that matter?
Maxima:How can the two of you possibly be related? I mean, look at the extreme difference in skin tone, for one thing. Whip here is obviously caucasian with purple hair...
Whip:I'm oriental!!
Maxima:Sure...and K', you're...you're...what are you?
K':I don't know....Whip says that Krizalid wasn't the original, but I don't think I am either...
Maxima:Yeah....anyways, shouldn't you guys be preparing for the tournament this year?
Whip:Why does it matter? K'-honey's the hero now! Whatever team he's on wins!
Maxima:You didn't hear?
K':Hear what?
Maxima:It's a "Dream Match" year. That usually means a switch in the hero team.
K':Shit! Well, then, we have to keep that from happening..We'll have to make..um..Maxima the hero!!
Whip:Maxima can't be the hero! He's Canadian!!
K':We're the CANADA team. It follows that the leader be Canadian.
Whip:But watch this!(she shoves maxima)
Maxima:Excuse me!
Whip:See? Too polite to be a hero! I, on the other hand, am a complete bitch!
K':And a slut...
Whip:What???
K':Nothing!
(Maxima Stands back up, but Whip pushes him over again)
Maxima:Terribly sorry!
K':......
(Whip looks at K' with huge eyes)
K':Fine!! Just cut the incest crap. I'm supposed to have some stupid romance thingy with Kula.
Whip:But her name is stupid!!!
K':.......Whip, what's your last name?
Whip:Whip.
K':Whip Whip?
Whip:No, that's my last name! I don't have a first name!
K':Okay, good. I didn't want to hear any stupid "Mario brothers" jokes.
Well, that was...Interesting. We're in the home stretch, though, as we go down south to America to check out the 2000 team.
Vanessa:MMM! That's good!
Ramon:You want some more?
Vanessa:Damn right I do, think you can dish it out?
Ramon:Man, I got enough cookin' to satisfy any woman!
Vanessa:Then give it to me!!
Seth:Why do you guys always act so weird at the dinner table?
Vanessa:Weird? We don't act weird! You're just paranoid, that's all!
Ramon:(snicker)
Seth:Besides, why you need this albino one-eyed freak, when you got all the lovin' you can handle from Seth?
Vanessa:You are one bad mother--
Ramon:Shut your mouth!
Vanessa:I'm only talkin' 'bout Seth!
Ramon:No, I mean shut your mouth when you're eating. You're spraying bits of food everywhere.
Seth:So, I was able to get us entered into the tournament this year..
Vanessa:Why? We took down NESTS.
Seth:Yeah, but Ramon needs to get his own place, and the money from winning should be more than enough.
Alright, then, as we begin to run out of teams--
Seth:Hey! Don't we get more screen time?
No, your story's explained well enough.
Seth:Dammit, I'm bein' opressed by the Man!
No, I just don't find you guys particularly interesting. Your story was played out in 2000.
Seth:You callin' me a playa?
Where the hell did you get that idea? I'm the writer, I'll do what I want!
Seth:You ever had your ass kicked by a man in a tie?
Gyeeh. Fine, you get some more screen time. But hurry it up.
Seth:.....
Vanessa:.....
Ramon:......
Seth:...so....
Ramon:...um....
Vanessa:...yeah...
Ramon:I'm...drawin' a blank here.
Vanessa:I can't think of anything to say either.
Seth:....Dammit!
Holy hell. I give you guys time that could be better spent on Mai or Blue Mary, and now you can't think of anything to say? How pathetic!!
Ramon:You wanna say that to my face?
Vanessa:You're lucky you're the only real one around, pal, 'cause otherwise I'd be pounding your face in right now!
Actually, there are a couple more "real" characters, but that's another point entirely. Now, as we muffle out this team, we turn our attention back to Japan, where a trio of lovely ladies ponders their financial situation.
Mai:Did Robert kick you out of his team again, Yuri?
Yuri:(sniffle)Y..yes...and he told me to make him a sandwich! What about Andy?
Mai:Err...he hasn't talked to me since a little "incident" with Mister Big...it was a big mistake!
Yuri:What do you mean?
Mai:Well, Joe was buying me and Mary something from mister Big, and Andy seemed to think he was pimping us out!
Yuri:Okay, then, we'll have to make our own team again! But who'll be our third member? How about King?
Mai:She got injured...
Yuri:Oh...what about Xiangfei?
Mai:Not again..whenever she's in our team, we end up washing dishes!
Yuri:Oh, yeah...What about Hinako?
Mai:She got her job as a flight attendant back.
Yuri:Um...Blue Mary?
Mai:She said she got on a team.
Yuri:Then who's left??
(May Lee steps out)
May:Um...can I join your team?
Mai:This couldn't be more convienent!
Yuri:Or more confusing...Mai, May...Why aren't you on Kim's team?
May Lee:It's full! I told Kim it should just be me, him, and Jhun, but noooo....does he think there's such a thing as too much justice?
Mai:I doubt it...
Yuri:So, is she on the team?
Mai:I'm not the leader!
Yuri:Yes, you are!
Mai:Why me?
Yuri:Um..I dunno...'cause you have the biggest..repitoire of fighting games?
Mai:Oh, great. Hell of a reason, miss I-didn't-wanna-be-in-AOF3..
Yuri:The ground was slippery on all the locations!
May:What're you guys talking about?
Mai:Oh, that's right...you've only been in one other fighting game, and that was last year.
May:Fighting game? In a fighting game?
Yuri:(whispers to Mai)Um...she doesn't realize yet..she hasn't broken through the fourth wall and gained self-awareness yet...
Mai:Oh! Never mind what I'm saying! It's nothing!
As Mai attempts a coverup(ha!), let's look at the other Bogard's girlfriend, Blue Mary, who is attempting to get back on her old team..
Mary:Dkay, guys...I'll be your best friend AND I'll give you each a dollar. Deal?
Billy:DEERU!
Yamazaki:Sounds good.
Mary:Um..Billy, is something wrong?
Billy:Noopu!
Yamazaki:Remember, he's from England.
Billy:Eenguraandu!
Mary:That isn't an english accent...
Yamazaki:Tell that to someone in Japan.
(A man with a cigarette walks up towards Billy, then stops)
Man:Oh, I'm sorry!(he puts his cigarette out)
Mary:What was that about?
Yamazaki:That damned jacket he's got on.
Mary:He's still wearing that?
Billy:Daatsu Riitu!
Mary:Can you understand a word he's saying?
Yamazaki:Sure, a word or two. He's really Japanese, but refuses to admit it.
Billy:Nani? Iiimu fuuraamu Eengurando!
Yamazaki:Sure thing, Billy.
(another, huge man smoking a cigarette walks up behind Billy)
Man:You think you can force me not to smoke? I'll show you some force!(he pummels Billy to the ground)
Mary:This is rediculous..
Yamazaki:Yeah, but it was either him or Dan from Street Fighter.
Mary:Then it's not that bad...
Billy:paaaainuuu....
We're in the home stretch! The hero team prefers to be mysterious, or the author is just plain lazy, but we know that the original team has assembled once again! Or, so they think. With Kyo Kusanagi out of the picture, Shingo takes his place, though the Japan Team doesn't realize it..
Shingo:Guys, I'm here!
(He runs toward his teammates Goro and Benimaru, then trips and falls on his face and quickly stands back up. Kirsten is watching from the shadows)
Goro:Unusual amount of energy for Kyo.
Benimaru:Yeah..are you feeling alright, Kyo?
Shingo:E-heh! Of course!
Yuki:He's just happy to see me, right Kyo-honey?
(Yuki was conviently hidden from sight earlier, but now Shingo can see her quite well, as the horrified look on his face can show)
Shingo:Y...yuki??
Yuki:That's right, I came here to wish you luck! And to give the future victor a kiss!
Shingo:But...errr...You..err...I...
Kirsten:(Steps out of the shadows)Kyo's mine now!
Yuki:W...What?? Kyo would never go for someone like you!....err, what are you like?
Shingo:I'll..just stay out of this...
Kirsten:Well, i'm certainly not a bitch like you!
Yuki:You whore!!
Kirsten:Slut!!
Yuki:Minmei!!
Kirsten:Now you've gone and done it!!(She leaps and attacks Yuki, tearing her to shreds much like she did with Kyo)(Shingo, Goro, and Benimaru stare in abject horror)
Kirsten:Orochi...(she licks her lips)..Tastes like chicken!!
Shingo:AAAAA!! Scary fangirl!!
Benimaru:Otaku? I hate otaku!!
Kirsten:(Turns toward Benimaru, her eyes glaring)What was that?
Benimaru:Err...I mean..Hate there not being any otaku around! You should make a team and enter in the competition!
Goro:Are you sure about that? She might have to fight us..
Shingo:I don't wanna die!!!
Kirsten:Enter in the tournament...that's a good idea!
So there you have it...14 teams, and two secret single entries to fight in this year's tournament! Tune in next episode, when we'll announce the first round of single-elimination fighting!
2002! A brand new year, with a brand new fight! As we speak, the teams are registering with their respective countries! What say we take a look at them?
Our journey begins in the United States of America, where a popular trio tries once again to register with their home country.
US Registrar: So, Mister...Bogard...you want to enter the King of Fighters tournament this year representing America?
Andy: Yes. Me, my brother Terry, and our friend Joe Higashi.
Terry: OK!
Andy: Yes, you're on the team, Terry.
Registrar: I see...now, Joe Higashi? Is that American, or oriental?
Andy: To be honest, we're not sure..but we do know that he is the Thai kickboxing champion!
Registrar: I thought that was a huge bald man with a scar on his chest...anyways....we've employed the same team of Lucky, Brian, and Heavy D for the past seven years, and we've already paid them in advance.
Andy: They haven't been in the tournament for five years!
Registrar: What??? Then what have they been doing?
(Meanwhile, in the back alleys of the '97 tournament's main arena...)
Lucky: D, you gots da shit?
Heavy D: Yeah, dey give us da money every year! They dope, man!
Brian: I am so high....
(Back at the registration office...)
Registrar: Well, if that's the case...then I guess we need a new team. Well, what are your "super moves"?
Andy: Aah, maybe I should let my brother demonstrate his. Mine mostly involve yelling.
Registrar: Alright..then, show us what you can do, Mister Bogard.
Terry: OK!
(Terry shows off each of his moves on a conviently placed practice dummy)
Terry: Barn nackoo! Powah waay! Rounna Waay! Riseen Taco! Crack Shoo! Powah Duck! Omasheet..Gaysah!!
Registrar: That last one doesn't sound child-appropriate..
Andy: The "Overheat Geyser"?
Registrar: Um...never mind..well, can we get a quote from Terry?
Terry: OK!
Registrar: .......Well?
Terry: .....OK!
Andy: He's not normally like this, sir.. (Andy pats Terry on the back)
Registrar: Well...there's one more team that wants an interview. (he presses a button and speaks into a microphone. A few seconds later, the door opens and Geese Howard walks through)
Terry: Geeeeekk.. (Andy puts his arm out in fromt of Terry)
Andy: Quiet, Terry... Geese, I thought we killed you!
Geese: You would have...If I didn't invest in Howard's Plate-Glass Window and Balcony Insurance! (he turns to face the camera) If you're a megalomanical villian, or just a corporate bastard, you don't want to face the uncertainty of being pushed out of your 100th-floor office and sent screaming to your death, Howard's Insurance turns that fear into comfort. If you're killed by a deadly fall from your ivory tower, Howard's Insurance will be there to pick up the pieces and make a brand-new clone, free of charge! I'm not just the preisdent, I'm also a client!
Andy: Um... Yeah...
Geese: And I assume you'd like to meet my teammates for 2002... Wolfy, come forward!
(Wolfgang Krauser steps through the door as well)
Andy: Now, wait a minute! I know Terry killed you in Special!!
Krauser: He would have, had I not invested in Howard's Plate-Glass Window and Balcony Insurance! Take it from me, that even though my plan to become an invincible warlord has failed, thanks to Howard's Insurance, I can rebuild my reign of terror! Thanks, Howard Corporation! (he turns to the camera and flashes a thumbs up)
Andy: God, not another one...
Registrar: Where's YOUR third member, Mister Howard?
Geese: He said he had some "bidness" to take care of.
(Andy looks down through the window to see Mai, Mary, Joe, and Mister Big engaged in a conversation)
Andy: Is that him down there? Mister Big?
Geese: Yes...
(Joe hands Mister Big a stack of what appears to be money, then points to both Mai and Mary. Mister Big nods, and Joe laughs and shakes his hand)
Andy: It looks like he's.... He... THAT BASTARD!! HE'S PIMPING OUT MAI AND MARY!!!!
Krauser: Wait...isn't that...
geese: It is! A plate-glass window!!
(Geese and Krauser run and jump out the window, and fall to their deaths atop Mister Big)
Registrar: Well, that's the answer to our question.
Terry: OK!
Now we move to Japan, where there is action all around! There are dozens of idols and stars, but none as popular this year as Iori Yagami! This year, Iori is attempting to enter as a single entry, as is his preference. He is stopped, however, by some former teammates...
Vice & Mature: Hiya, Iori-honey!
Iori: V...Vice? Mature??? I killed you!
Mature: True, but I invested in Howard's--
Iori: I ripped you to shreds!
Vice: I thought you said you weren't aware of what happened while you were in your Blood Riot.
Iori: "Blood Riot"? Oh...y-yeah, Blood Riot! I don't remember a damn thing! Err... Where did you disappear to for the last four years, wonderful team-mate Mature?
Mature: Yeah...Well, after Mister Orochi-freak tore me a great many new ones, Howard Industries cloned me and let me join, provided I spy on--dammit!
Iori: Spy?
Mature: Nevermind!
Vice: Don't worry, Mature. I'm a spy for Rugal. Everyone knows it. Whip's a spy for the Ikari Warriors. Blue Mary used to be a spy for Howard, but she quit. You know why? 'Cause EVERYONE KNEW. I mean come on, Mature, do you seriously think the "I'm not a spy for Geese Howard!" sticker on your blouse is helping any? Being a spy is part of being on a team that makes no sense, so live with it! Blue Mary was lucky to get on a different team.
Iori: I'm a spy for my band...
Mature: You have a band?
Iori: Yeah, it's part of the major sub-plot.
Mature: But you have the look and voice of a child molester!
Iori: Sshhhh! Don't say that! It's a bad idea!
Mature: What, that you're an ugly freak with no talent? Oh, and by the way, your pants are tied together..
Iori: No! Quiet!!!
Mature: I'll say it as much as I want! IORI IS LAME!!!
(the ground starts to shake and a rumbling noise fills the sky)
Iori: I warned you....
Mature: What?
(suddenly Mature is surrounded by a legion of girls foaming at the mouth. Many of them have poor posture or red hair over one eye. One that looks exactly like Iori leads the group)
Fangirl: You heard her! Get her!!!
(Mature is torn to pieces by the swarm of fangirls)
Vice: Oh, my God....(she throws up)
Iori: That's why I can't keep a girlfriend...
Vice: Oh, well..I guess I better call Geese and send someone out to reassemble our teammate.
Now we turn our attention to Shingo Yabuki, who is still attempting to get on a team with his master and idol, Kyo. He's using his cell phone, as Kyo runs away whenever he sees him.
Shingo: What rule? Let me look through the booklet... It says here: Chapter 7, Section MCXVII, Part G: "No team may have two members with the same moves". DAMMIT! Oh, well.. Maybe next year, right, Master Kyo? Wait! what about Takuma and Ryo? They don't count? (Shingo hears a rustling noise behind him, but he ignores it) Come on, remember the scene I had to make to get into a fight back in '98??? I nearly beat up the entire team by myself! And then you disappeared in '99... (the rustling grows louder, and Shingo pauses for a second Uum...what was I saying? Well, anyways, I'll change my moves! Do them backwards or something! Hmm... What if I pair up with one of your clones? They have different moves---AIEEEEE! (Shingo drops the phone as he is pounced upon by a fangirl)
Kyo: Shingo? Hello? What's wrong?
(the phone's batteries run out, and Kyo decides to find his student)
(back in the alleyway)
Shingo: Aieee! Let go of me!!! Master Kyo!!! Help meeeee!!!
Fangirl: Calm down, Shingo! Geez, you're more hyper than me!
Shingo: Who are you?
Fangirl: I'm Kirsten! I'm your biggest fan!
Shingo: A fanboy's fangirl... That's pathetic..
Kirsten: I know! (she smiles as she holds on to him)
Shingo: Would you let go of me?
Kirsten: Not a chance! I'm gonna be your partner in the 2002 tournament!
Shingo: Isn't there already a fangirl in the tournament?
Kirsten: Damn... Then I gotta think of a way to get you into the tournament..
(Kirsten pauses and growls as a man rounds the corner. He's hard to see, but his shirt has a huge cross on it.)
Kyo: Shin--
Kirsten: Aaaaiieee!!! A Mormon priest!!! Keep away from my Shingo!!! (she jumps on Kyo and tears him to shreads)
Shingo: Oh no!!! Master Kyo!!!!!!
Kirsten: Oops... Hmm... (all that remains are Kyo's clothes) I have an idea! I'll get you on Kyo's team yet!
Meanwhile, in Korea, a certain pair of criminals has determined to committ a crime again...
Choi: So where're the goods, Chang?
Chang: Goods?
Choi: You know, that candy bar you stole!
Chang: Stole?
Choi: You forgot to steal the candy bar? You've foiled my evil plans again!
Chang: But...that would be stealing...
Choi: .....I know. That's why I couldn't do it....
Kim: What's up, guys?
Choi: We....We...We're sorry, Master!!! We thought about stealing!!! Please forgive us!!!
Kim: Hmm..well, Justice lives in the heart, and if you commit a crime in your heart, you are committing a crime against Justice!!
Chang: ....What?
Choi: Don't worry, I'm sure he knows what he's talking about.
Kim: All will be forgiven when we win the tournament this year.
Choi: What happened to Jhun?
Kim: I don't know. For some reason, he went blind. But the doctors say he'll be better next year. (Kim smiles, and the shine off his teeth shatter the camera lens)
Chang & Choi: Aieee!!! The light!!!
Kim: Damn! That always happens... This camera must not be accustomed to my aura of righteousness!
Choi: Yeah... That's it... Could you warn us before you smile next time?
Chang: Besides, we've lost every year. It's always been the Japan Team that wins!
Kim: But this year, we have--
Choi: We always have "Justice" on our side! What we don't have is balance! Look, I'm super-agile, Chang's super-strong, and you're super-dorky! We all have weak spots that make us vulnerable! That's why we keep losing!
Kim: Maybe...they have more Justice on their side?
Choi: You weren't listening to me at all!!!
Meanwhile, in a secret military base...
Heidern: Men!
Leona: (ahem!)
Heidern: And woman.. Do you know why you're here?
Ralf: The same reason we're here every year Pinky, to try and TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!
Heidern: No, that's our secondary goal.
Clark: Yous came heeah to tell ahs too entah intoo da Keeng off Fighters tournamahnt. Laahk every ather yeer.
Heidern: That's right. This year, we have reason to suspect that the NESTS cartel--
Leona: We defeated the NESTS cartel! That storyline is over with!
Heidern: Oh, yeah? Then how do you explain this?! (On screen it shows people that look like Kyo, Iori, Shingo, and many of the other fighters in the tournament)
Leona: Sir, those are OTAKU.
Heidern: What's an "otaku"? Those're clones if I ever saw them! Poor-quality clones, but clones nonetheless!
Leona: Sir..an otaku is a person completely obsessed with something. They are 16-year-olds imitating their favorite fighter.
Heidern: Hmm...They sound suspicious... I don't like 'em... Okay, men, this year your mission shall be twofold! defeat the NESTS cartel..
Leona: I said that NESTS is gone! They went bankrupt trying to keep their clones' outfits updated with the real Kyo's!!!
Heidern: Grr... Like I said...
Leona: (sigh)
Heidern: Defeat the NESTS cartel, and eliminate every last one of these "otaku".
Leona: WHAT???
Ralf: Oh, hell yeah! It's genocide time, baby!
Clark: I weeel craash their puny hehds ihn!
Leona: Oh, god....I feel sick..
Ralf: We're goin' to a con, pals!
At around the same time, an idol is crying her eyes out...
Athena: Waaaaah!!!!!
(Kensou runs in)
Kensou: Athena, what's--aaugh!!
Athena: I know! I.. I'm BALD!!!
Kensou: Well, you're not COMPLETELY bald.. You've still got hair on your..
Chin: Quiet, boy! This is not an adult fanfic!!!
Kensou: Oh..right.. Well, how did it happen?
Athena: I dunno! Every year more and more of my hair keeps falling out...and now it's ALL GONE!!!
Chin: Actually, I think I know the problem..
Athena: What?
Chin: The powers that you use are psychic. They bring forth energy and power from your mind!
Athena: So?
Chin: You blew all the fuses on your hair! All psycic people are bald! I mean, look at Miss Cleo!
Kensou: Miss Cleo's not bald...
Chin: And she's not psychic, either!
Athena: But does that mean it'll never grow back?
Chin: Generally.
Athena: ......(she resumes her crying fit)
Kensou: (whispers to chin) Do you want to remind her that she's a goddess and can do whatever she wants, or should I?
Chin: I'm not going near her..
In an alley not too far away...
Takuma: We're here, Ryo, now what did you want to tell us?
Robert: Yeah, this is interrupting my shopping for hair gel! (droplets of grease fall from Robert's hair and form a small puddle)
Ryo: .......Nevermind. Anyways, remember how we promised King we'd let her be on the Art of Fighting Team this year? Well, they reduced the team size back down to three, so..
Takuma: Aah, woman troubles! Heh heh! Want US to break the news to your girlfriend, eh?
Ryo: No, it's not that, it's just...
Robert: Damn, Ryo, you should just go up to that 'ho and smack her around and say "Make me a sandwich, bitch". Sometimes, when Yuri's all up in my face, I'll be like SMACK! (he makes a backhanding motion) "Take that, bitch! And make me a sandwich! And go join another team!!!"
Ryo: That's my sister, you son of a bitch!!! (He grabs Robert by the neck and shakes him, but Robert slips out as Ryo is very quickly covered in grease from Robert's hair)
(King peers around the corner, and sees the team)
King: I found you guys! Wait up, I'm coming!
Ryo: Wait, King!!
Takuma: Don't run so fast....
King: WhaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAA!!! (King slips on the now huge puddle of Robert's hair-grease and slides into a trash can. The trash can and mountains of filth fall on her and as she slowly gets up, a huge dog attacks her)
Ryo: King!! I'll get you to a hospital!!
(As he rushes by Robert, he winks, mouths "Thanks", and flashes a thumbs-up)
Takuma: Well, I guess that solves our dillema.
And somewhere not too far away, two small figures are competing for true supremacy...
Bao: Hah! My Charmelion is much better than your Gyrados!
Chris: Y...yeah? Well, go, Mewtwo!!!
(Chris frantically pushes buttons on his Game Boy, and Bao does the same in return)
Bao: I've had enough of your cheating, it's time to use my PSYCHO POWER!!! (Bao's hands start to glow blue)
Chris: Oh, yeah, well, I'll just use my Orochi power! (his hands start to glow blue)
Bao: Hey, Orochi power is purple!!!
Chris: Nuh-uh!!!
Bao: Uh-huh!!!
Chris: Liar, liar, pants on fire!!
Bao: Nuh-uh...(he sniffs the air) But something is on fire... (Bao and Chris look down then recoil in shock)
Bao & Chris: MY GAME BOY!!!
Bao: This is your fault, you Orochi doo-doo head!!!
Chris: Nuh-uh, it's your fault, Psycho poopie face!
Bao: You dookie-brain!
Chris: Miss Shermie!!!!!
Shermie: What is it now, Chris? Is Yashiro tyring to get you to play "Good Touch, Bad Touch" again?
Chris: No...(sniffle) That communist kid blew up my Game Boy....
Shermie: What do you want me to do about it?
Chris: I dunno...beat him up?
shermie: Hmm.. He looks like that kid who's been in KOF ever since we left.. We'll just enter in this year's tournament, and get revenge!
Chris: Oh, okay!
Bao: Actually...
Chris: There's no escaping your fate, you puny weakling!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Shermie: Alright, Chris.... Now, Uncle Yashiro said he wanted to have a talk with you..
Chris: Aaaaa!!! No!!! (he teleports away)
Shermie: Chris, wait!
(Yashiro walks out shirtless and in blue jeans)
Yashiro: I just wanted to ask him how he likes my "Orochi Yashiro" look for this year...
(Shermie and Yashiro teleport away)
Bao: I'm not in this year's tournament.....
Where the hell are we now? Still in Japan? Well, it's somewhere developed enough to have a "Denny's", because that's where we find our next team.
Angel: Well, K'9999, it sure took you long enough.
K'9999: I had business to attend to.
Kula: Yeah, getting experimented on by the government and having your robotic arm turn all huge and fleshy and taking over the city.....
Angel: That's Tetsuo.
K'9999: Kaneda!!!
Kula: Oh. Then who's he?
Angel: (sighs) He's K'9999. One of K''s clones.
Kula: Oh... He doesn't look like K'. How do you say his name?
Angel: (scratches her head) Damned if I know.
Kula: I mean, K' is said "Kay-Prime", but is this guy "Kay-Ninenineninenine", or "Kay-Prime-Ninenineninenine", or "Kay-To-the-Nine-Thousand-Nine-Hundred-and-Ninety-Ninth-Power?"
K'9999: That doesn't matter!
Kula: I still think he's Tetsuo.
K'9999: KANEDA!!!
Angel: What the hell are you doing, K'9999?
K'9999: What're you talking about
Angel: You keep screaming something whenever we say "Tetsuo"!
K'9999: KANEDA!!!
Angel: Stop it!!!
K'9999: Stop what?
Angel: Aargh!!! ..Anyways, I guess you want to know why I've called you to our secret base of operations..
Kula: We're in a Denny's. That's not a base.
Angel: Yes, it is! It is because we're piss-poor.
K'9999: Wait, we're bankrupt just because our satellite fell on our base? You're telling me you didn't have anything saved in, say, a BANK??
Angel: Well, the Kyo clones cost the cartel a lot of money...
K'9999: Cartel? What exactly were we a cartel of??? Drugs? Political power?
Kula: Lollipops!!!
Angel: Actually.... We just liked the word "cartel".... And "NESTS" doesn't stand for anything, either...
K'9999: That's pathetic! No investments???
Angel: Well, I had some money left, but the police keep giving me "indecent exposure" tickets.. And Kula's got a sugar habit...
Kula: I like trains!
Angel: Yeah... And you have to keep getting a new cape after you burn your old one up at the beginning of a fight! You go through as many as four a fight! And besides, M. Bison came up with that one back in '91.
K'9999: You calling me "unoriginal"???
Angel: Honey, you're the 9999th clone of that K-Prime guy, who I'm pretty sure's a clone of Kyo.. Of course you're unoriginal! But besides, I have a plan that will bring to fruitition the investments our idiot superiors put into the thousands of worldwide Kyo clones!
Kula: What is it???
(over at Kyo's house)
Kyo's Dad: What's that? ...Three and a half billion due in back child support? This has to be some kind of joke!
(back at the Denny's)
Angel: Err....nevermind that! But anyways, we'll have all the money we need if we enter the KOF 2002 tournament!
(Kula raises her hand.)
Angel: (sigh) What is it, Kula?
Kula: Will there be candy???
Angel: Sure... There'll be candy....
Kula: Yay!!!
K'9999: Question, Miss Angel...
Angel: What is it?
K'9999: You have almost ten thousand Kyo clones at your disposal. Why don't you enter them in the tournament?
Angel: Entry fee's too high.
K'9999: Then why don't you have them all get part-time jobs???
Angel: Apparently our superiors forgot to read Kusanagi's vital stats, or they would have realized that "hard work" goes on his "dislikes" list.
Kula: And they ate my candy!!! (she cries for a few seconds) But... They all came on a train! I like trains! I want to ride on a train to the tournament! Can we ride a train to the tournament? 'Cause I really like trains!!! When I grow up I want to be a train.....
Finally, we get to go to another country! Canada! Canada? What the hell kind of fighting team comes from Canada?? The ones that have won for the past three years???? There's no way I'm buying that, but let's check them out anyways.
Whip:But darling, we're only related by genetics!
K':I don't care, it's still nasty!!
Whip:(sniffle)But....but..
K':I mean, c'mon, don't you fight with that whip??
Whip:I'll use my backup..pleeeeease?
K':NO!! It just seems so...wrong!
Whip:But...but...
(The ground shakes as Maxima walks in)
Maxima:What's up?
Whip:K' is so mean to me...
Maxima:What do you mean?
Whip:He won't play with me...
Maxima:Now, why not?
K':She's my sister!!
Maxima:Waitaminute...sister?
K':Yeah.
Whip:So? Why does that matter?
Maxima:How can the two of you possibly be related? I mean, look at the extreme difference in skin tone, for one thing. Whip here is obviously caucasian with purple hair...
Whip:I'm oriental!!
Maxima:Sure...and K', you're...you're...what are you?
K':I don't know....Whip says that Krizalid wasn't the original, but I don't think I am either...
Maxima:Yeah....anyways, shouldn't you guys be preparing for the tournament this year?
Whip:Why does it matter? K'-honey's the hero now! Whatever team he's on wins!
Maxima:You didn't hear?
K':Hear what?
Maxima:It's a "Dream Match" year. That usually means a switch in the hero team.
K':Shit! Well, then, we have to keep that from happening..We'll have to make..um..Maxima the hero!!
Whip:Maxima can't be the hero! He's Canadian!!
K':We're the CANADA team. It follows that the leader be Canadian.
Whip:But watch this!(she shoves maxima)
Maxima:Excuse me!
Whip:See? Too polite to be a hero! I, on the other hand, am a complete bitch!
K':And a slut...
Whip:What???
K':Nothing!
(Maxima Stands back up, but Whip pushes him over again)
Maxima:Terribly sorry!
K':......
(Whip looks at K' with huge eyes)
K':Fine!! Just cut the incest crap. I'm supposed to have some stupid romance thingy with Kula.
Whip:But her name is stupid!!!
K':.......Whip, what's your last name?
Whip:Whip.
K':Whip Whip?
Whip:No, that's my last name! I don't have a first name!
K':Okay, good. I didn't want to hear any stupid "Mario brothers" jokes.
Well, that was...Interesting. We're in the home stretch, though, as we go down south to America to check out the 2000 team.
Vanessa:MMM! That's good!
Ramon:You want some more?
Vanessa:Damn right I do, think you can dish it out?
Ramon:Man, I got enough cookin' to satisfy any woman!
Vanessa:Then give it to me!!
Seth:Why do you guys always act so weird at the dinner table?
Vanessa:Weird? We don't act weird! You're just paranoid, that's all!
Ramon:(snicker)
Seth:Besides, why you need this albino one-eyed freak, when you got all the lovin' you can handle from Seth?
Vanessa:You are one bad mother--
Ramon:Shut your mouth!
Vanessa:I'm only talkin' 'bout Seth!
Ramon:No, I mean shut your mouth when you're eating. You're spraying bits of food everywhere.
Seth:So, I was able to get us entered into the tournament this year..
Vanessa:Why? We took down NESTS.
Seth:Yeah, but Ramon needs to get his own place, and the money from winning should be more than enough.
Alright, then, as we begin to run out of teams--
Seth:Hey! Don't we get more screen time?
No, your story's explained well enough.
Seth:Dammit, I'm bein' opressed by the Man!
No, I just don't find you guys particularly interesting. Your story was played out in 2000.
Seth:You callin' me a playa?
Where the hell did you get that idea? I'm the writer, I'll do what I want!
Seth:You ever had your ass kicked by a man in a tie?
Gyeeh. Fine, you get some more screen time. But hurry it up.
Seth:.....
Vanessa:.....
Ramon:......
Seth:...so....
Ramon:...um....
Vanessa:...yeah...
Ramon:I'm...drawin' a blank here.
Vanessa:I can't think of anything to say either.
Seth:....Dammit!
Holy hell. I give you guys time that could be better spent on Mai or Blue Mary, and now you can't think of anything to say? How pathetic!!
Ramon:You wanna say that to my face?
Vanessa:You're lucky you're the only real one around, pal, 'cause otherwise I'd be pounding your face in right now!
Actually, there are a couple more "real" characters, but that's another point entirely. Now, as we muffle out this team, we turn our attention back to Japan, where a trio of lovely ladies ponders their financial situation.
Mai:Did Robert kick you out of his team again, Yuri?
Yuri:(sniffle)Y..yes...and he told me to make him a sandwich! What about Andy?
Mai:Err...he hasn't talked to me since a little "incident" with Mister Big...it was a big mistake!
Yuri:What do you mean?
Mai:Well, Joe was buying me and Mary something from mister Big, and Andy seemed to think he was pimping us out!
Yuri:Okay, then, we'll have to make our own team again! But who'll be our third member? How about King?
Mai:She got injured...
Yuri:Oh...what about Xiangfei?
Mai:Not again..whenever she's in our team, we end up washing dishes!
Yuri:Oh, yeah...What about Hinako?
Mai:She got her job as a flight attendant back.
Yuri:Um...Blue Mary?
Mai:She said she got on a team.
Yuri:Then who's left??
(May Lee steps out)
May:Um...can I join your team?
Mai:This couldn't be more convienent!
Yuri:Or more confusing...Mai, May...Why aren't you on Kim's team?
May Lee:It's full! I told Kim it should just be me, him, and Jhun, but noooo....does he think there's such a thing as too much justice?
Mai:I doubt it...
Yuri:So, is she on the team?
Mai:I'm not the leader!
Yuri:Yes, you are!
Mai:Why me?
Yuri:Um..I dunno...'cause you have the biggest..repitoire of fighting games?
Mai:Oh, great. Hell of a reason, miss I-didn't-wanna-be-in-AOF3..
Yuri:The ground was slippery on all the locations!
May:What're you guys talking about?
Mai:Oh, that's right...you've only been in one other fighting game, and that was last year.
May:Fighting game? In a fighting game?
Yuri:(whispers to Mai)Um...she doesn't realize yet..she hasn't broken through the fourth wall and gained self-awareness yet...
Mai:Oh! Never mind what I'm saying! It's nothing!
As Mai attempts a coverup(ha!), let's look at the other Bogard's girlfriend, Blue Mary, who is attempting to get back on her old team..
Mary:Dkay, guys...I'll be your best friend AND I'll give you each a dollar. Deal?
Billy:DEERU!
Yamazaki:Sounds good.
Mary:Um..Billy, is something wrong?
Billy:Noopu!
Yamazaki:Remember, he's from England.
Billy:Eenguraandu!
Mary:That isn't an english accent...
Yamazaki:Tell that to someone in Japan.
(A man with a cigarette walks up towards Billy, then stops)
Man:Oh, I'm sorry!(he puts his cigarette out)
Mary:What was that about?
Yamazaki:That damned jacket he's got on.
Mary:He's still wearing that?
Billy:Daatsu Riitu!
Mary:Can you understand a word he's saying?
Yamazaki:Sure, a word or two. He's really Japanese, but refuses to admit it.
Billy:Nani? Iiimu fuuraamu Eengurando!
Yamazaki:Sure thing, Billy.
(another, huge man smoking a cigarette walks up behind Billy)
Man:You think you can force me not to smoke? I'll show you some force!(he pummels Billy to the ground)
Mary:This is rediculous..
Yamazaki:Yeah, but it was either him or Dan from Street Fighter.
Mary:Then it's not that bad...
Billy:paaaainuuu....
We're in the home stretch! The hero team prefers to be mysterious, or the author is just plain lazy, but we know that the original team has assembled once again! Or, so they think. With Kyo Kusanagi out of the picture, Shingo takes his place, though the Japan Team doesn't realize it..
Shingo:Guys, I'm here!
(He runs toward his teammates Goro and Benimaru, then trips and falls on his face and quickly stands back up. Kirsten is watching from the shadows)
Goro:Unusual amount of energy for Kyo.
Benimaru:Yeah..are you feeling alright, Kyo?
Shingo:E-heh! Of course!
Yuki:He's just happy to see me, right Kyo-honey?
(Yuki was conviently hidden from sight earlier, but now Shingo can see her quite well, as the horrified look on his face can show)
Shingo:Y...yuki??
Yuki:That's right, I came here to wish you luck! And to give the future victor a kiss!
Shingo:But...errr...You..err...I...
Kirsten:(Steps out of the shadows)Kyo's mine now!
Yuki:W...What?? Kyo would never go for someone like you!....err, what are you like?
Shingo:I'll..just stay out of this...
Kirsten:Well, i'm certainly not a bitch like you!
Yuki:You whore!!
Kirsten:Slut!!
Yuki:Minmei!!
Kirsten:Now you've gone and done it!!(She leaps and attacks Yuki, tearing her to shreds much like she did with Kyo)(Shingo, Goro, and Benimaru stare in abject horror)
Kirsten:Orochi...(she licks her lips)..Tastes like chicken!!
Shingo:AAAAA!! Scary fangirl!!
Benimaru:Otaku? I hate otaku!!
Kirsten:(Turns toward Benimaru, her eyes glaring)What was that?
Benimaru:Err...I mean..Hate there not being any otaku around! You should make a team and enter in the competition!
Goro:Are you sure about that? She might have to fight us..
Shingo:I don't wanna die!!!
Kirsten:Enter in the tournament...that's a good idea!
So there you have it...14 teams, and two secret single entries to fight in this year's tournament! Tune in next episode, when we'll announce the first round of single-elimination fighting!