Disclaimer: I do not own or have rights to any of the TV shows that poor Tasuki has to suffer through, and I don't own Tasuki either (damn damn damn)
Yay! Finally the next channel is up!
Tasuki and the TV
The flash of light slowly faded and Tasuki found himself sitting right next to a flock of sheep in a barn. What the…am I in the country or some shit? He wondered as the sheep regarded him from their pen. Voices off to his right made him turn around and come face to face with three men and a woman.
"Hey Tasuki! Get your butt over here!" one of the men yelled.
"Ahh okay…" He ambled over to where they were sitting, in a circle around a table. He took the only empty seat next to the woman and worried about what he had gotten into this time. One of the men stood up,
"Okay, as you all know you've made it to the second round and a second chance to win the grand prize!"
The other two men and the woman cheered and clapped but Tasuki remained silent, confused at what the guy was talking about.
"What second round?" he asked.
"To the contest Tasuki! Remember? The first round you all managed to jump out of a ten story building and hit the bulls-eye in the net."
"Eh?"
The man frowned at Tasuki in annoyance and turned to the others. "Anyway, as you all know, except for Tasuki, this is the second round where you will either be eliminated or win and go on to the final round."
"Yeah!! Bring it on man!" one of the guys yelled, and he grunted reinforcing his…courage.
Ahh fuck it. I'll just go along with whatever the fuck they're talking about. After all, it can't be worse than that psycho nurse I just got away from…god women are weird.
"Now, I've brought you all to this farm for our next challenge, which is…" Joe said before pulling off the cloth that had been covering the table. "Sheep testicles!"
Tasuki's face fell as four plates, each holding two large gray lumps, came into view. "Umm, what are we having to do with these…things?" he gulped.
Joe laughed. "Why, eat them of course! Whoever manages to gobble theirs down in the ten second time limit gets to go onto the last round."
Tasuki turned three different shades of green upon hearing that. A sheep baa'ed from its pen encouraging another shade of green to surface.
"Why the fuck would I do that?!" Tasuki managed to get out.
"Duh, to win the fifty thousand dollars," explained the woman.
"Is that money or somethin'?" Tasuki asked confused.
The four stared at him in bewilderment.
"Of course it's money you dumbass!" one of the guys cried.
"Oh…is it a lot?"
By the looks on their faces Tasuki took their answer as a yes. Hmm, I eat this shit, I get to win a lot of money…which means I can buy a lot of sake. At the thought of the drink Tasuki got a dreamy look in his eyes. Alright! I'll do this! After all, it can't be any worse than Miaka's cooking.
"Count me in!" He told them. Joe nodded and pulled out a die.
"Each of you gets a roll and the lowest person goes first, then second lowest and so on."
The woman rolled a five, the guy that had called Tasuki a dumbass and was now in for a little tessen action rolled a one, and the other quiet guy rolled a two. Tasuki took a gulp and rolled.
"Yes! A six!" he said, happy that he was the last to go. He wanted to witness how the others went about eating their sheep testicles.
The soon-to-be-crispy guy grunted again and took his plate. He stared down at the round quivering globs.
"Okay! Let's play Fear Factor!" Joe cried excitedly. "The clock starts…NOW!"
The man held his nose and delicately picked up a testicle. He brought it close to his mouth and began gagging from the stench.
"Oh…man this reeks!" he complained.
"Eight seconds left."
He shoved the sheep testicle into his mouth and his eyes bulged out as he tried to swallow. Tasuki heard the telltale rumbling in the guy's stomach and managed to leap out of the way as the guy threw up all over Joe.
"Oh…lovely," Joe mumbled before rushing off to a nearby bathroom.
---Ten minutes later and one disqualification…---
Joe returned all fresh in a new set of clothes provided by Fox Television and took his seat.
"Okay where were we? Oh yes, it was your turn I believe," he said and nodded to the quiet guy. "Clock starts…NOW!"
The guy's face screwed up in a wild grin as he grabbed one of the testicles, "YEAHH I LOVE FEAR FACTOR BABY!!!" he screamed and shoved it into his mouth.
"Six seconds…"
The guy chewed and swallowed then quickly shoved the other gray lump into his mouth. It followed its twin and the guy gave a loud cheer and threw up his hands into the air. "I am the king!!"
"Congratulations George! You get to go on the last round!" Joe said cheerfully and turned to the woman. "Your turn honey!"
The woman slapped Joe across the face, "Don't you call me honey you pervert!"
Tasuki laughed at the stunned look on the host's face but shut up as the woman threatened him with her hand.
"I'm gonna win the money and I'll dedicate it to all of my sisters out there! Yeah women rule!"
Tasuki made a face and immediately got slapped.
"Hey!"
"Anyway," interrupted Joe. "Clock starts NOW!"
The woman put her face down to the plate and sucked both testicles into her mouth. Tasuki and Joe's eyes both widened at her…talent. Tasuki moved his chair away from her as he noticed that the expression she had on her face looked much like the one the nurse from the last channel had when asking Tasuki to spank her. The woman chewed slowly and tried swallowing every now and then.
"Three seconds to go!"
"Yeah baby do it!" cried the not-so-quite-anymore guy.
He got a double slap.
There was a crunch of bone or cartilage as the woman gave one last chew then swallowed them completely. "There! Totally gone!" she cried happily, opening her mouth wide and showing everyone.
"Well Tasuki, it's your turn!" they all said together.
Tasuki stared down at his plate. Sake sake, just think about the sake, he thought, trying to give himself some confidence. I wish they weren't so god damn liquidy. Oh wait…
"Seven seconds!"
Tasuki grinned and took his tessen from the holder on his back. The others watched his actions, confused looks on their faces.
"What is he?…"
"What is that thing?"
"Lekka shien," Tasuki said and waved the tessen at the testicles. They were immediately fried to a crisp.
"Four seconds!"
Now that they were cooked Tasuki easily ate them down before the time ran out.
"Hey! He cheated!" yelled the woman.
Joe brought out a rules book and flipped through it. "I don't know…he didn't leave the table…fire fire, nothing about fire…"
"Waa haa haa! I got through this round so there!" Tasuki said gleefully. "That was pretty easy!"
Joe, not finding any rule against flaming food with fans, stood up and gave his congratulations to the remaining three contestants. "Now that you passed this test it's on to the next test!"
"Which is?" Tasuki asked smugly.
"You each will be submerged in icy cold water with twenty killer sharks, which will be enraged by a drop of blood from my finger, for fifteen minutes!" Joe explained cheerfully.
Tasuki's eye twitched and he skipped the green shades and went straight to the ashen gray death look. He got up quickly from the table. "I uhh just remembered that I have to go and fry Tamahome, yeah…bye!"
The remote flashed and Tasuki was off again…
*I just keep picking on Tasuki. Poor poor Tasuki.
Tasuki: Then stop doing it!
Too bad! The readers like this! And I can't disappoint them, now can I?
Tasuki: Humph, well, at least you're running out of shows.
Wee hee hee, I still have one last doozy up my sleeve!
Tasuki: Oh…god…not that!
(A very evil grin spreads over my face and Tasuki begins to sob…)