Chapter Twenty-one: Alone



There had once been a time when she was able to fall to sleep at will. She could curl up anywhere, even on top of a rock, and rest soundly.


Sadly, there could be no peaceful sleep for Aeryn Sun. She sat alone in her darkened quarters, in the centre of her bed, staring into the empty darkness. Jool had told her repeatedly to get some sleep, but Aeryn had been unable to do so. Life had grown to be too much for the former Peacekeeper. Her situation couldn't be fixed by her skills as a soldier. This problem required something from deeper within her, and she didn't have the strength to confront it.


Perhaps Sheba and the others were right. She was still grieving and it would take time, but how much? And after that, then what? Could she go on as if nothing had happened? What about John? Chiana was right, her John would want her to go on and be happy, but was it even possible? She wanted to be forever loyal to her John.

And even thinking of started over with John, here on Moya seemed wrong. It felt... disloyal.

She heard footsteps approaching her quarters. Looking towards the door, through the darkness, light from the corridor was just seeping under the privacy curtains. Someone had stopped just outside of her door.


Aeryn knew it was him.


For a moment, he stood there, too afraid to knock, but without the heart to just leave.


All Aeryn had to do was simply call to him and he would have come in, but she was hoping that he would let her off of the hook by making the first move. As much as part of her needed to see him, to be comforted by his embrace, another equally strong part of her wanted him to go away and take all the pain and hardship that he could bring just by being with her. The haunting memories and the fear of losing him a second time hung over her like a fog.


Finally, the figure at her door moved, heading off down the corridor and away from her quarters. Fear had won out.


In that moment, Aeryn truly felt as hollow and empty as the darkened room about her.


***


Later, Sheba was walking down the corridor, and paused at Crichton's quarters. The door was open and the curtains drawn wide. She playfully knocked on the door, looking in.


"Hey, Earthman, you're not answering your comm and..."


The sight that greeted her stopped her in mid sentence. John was sitting in what he called his "easy" chair, hunched over studying familiar, if as yet unopened, green bottle in his hands.


"What do you want?" John asked, not even bothering to look at her.


"Chiana has prepared a special meal for us and you weren't answering your comm." Sheba slowly walked further into the room, until she was standing beside John.


He just stared at the bottle of Luxan wine. "I'm not hungry."


Sheba looked worriedly at him. "Please, come to eat with us?"


After a second or two, John asked quietly. "Could you do something for me?"


The Colonial warrior knelt down beside him. "Sure, name it."


John sighed. "Jool tells me that Aeryn hasn't been getting enough sleep. Could you talk to her? Woman to woman, by woman's intuition or whatever coded language your gender uses in communicating with one another nowadays."


"What happened?" Sheba asked.


John hung his head for moment. "I was hoping to talk to Aeryn after everything settled down and I told her as much, but instead of waiting for me in medical she's back in her quarters with the doors closed and curtain drawn. Again. I want to see her, but I can't face another rejection."


"Please," Sheba pleaded gently, touching his arm. "Whatever you need, that bottle is not the answer."


"I'm tired Sheba," John finally looked at her, the exhaustion clearly visible in his eyes. "I haven't seen home in three years, cycles, yahrens or whatever the hez other system we measure time with. In that space of time I've been shot up, shot down, and had my mind scrambled and probed. I've also been beaten, dragged, drugged, cloned, driven insane, wormed holed from here to there, been betrayed, been double crossed, spat on, and spat out. Through all that dren, the only thing I wanted more than a one way ticket back to Earth was Aeryn."


John looked at the green bottle. "Well, since I can't have either one, I might as well settle for this."


Watching John wallow, Sheba suddenly got angry. "You know, the only thing I hate more than Cylons is self-pity. I lost my home, not once, not twice but three times! First, it was the colonies, then the Pegasus with my father, and now the Galactica. I've also been in numerous Cylons attacks without knowing that I'll be seeing another tomorrow, and I too may have lost my only true love. Do you see me doing the same, 'oh poor me' routine that you are?"


John stared at her quite amused. "If you're looking to get into a pissing contest against me for misery, you're going to lose."


"Will you please stop and listen. Everyone here on Moya looks to you for leadership and they depend on you to deliver it."


John sighed. "I have an idea, why don't you be the responsible one. You got the rank, Lieutenant! I'm tired Sheba, can't you get that?"


"Sure, I got you loud and clear," The Colonial warrior stood up in defeat and started to walk out. "Go ahead and get drunk and wasted, I'll make sure Chiana or someone will come along to feed you."


"Just tell them to slide it under the door." John said to her sarcastically.


Sheba stopped and turned to face him again. "You know, I pray to Kobol that the people of Earth are not all a sorry bunch like you. My people have come too far to be let down like this! We were once a major power in the galaxy and now all that remains of us are two hundred assorted ships, whatever stragglers we could round up after the Cylon massacre, and the thirteenth colony, Earth. Populated by 6 billion people, one of which I'm staring at right now......and I don't like what I see."


After that, Sheba stormed out, leaving John and the green bottle alone. He held it in his hands for a moment more then started to open it, but stopped. Sheba's words were still burning in his ears.


A fine example of the planet Earth I've become. John thought. The hell with this!


He stood up, set the bottle down on the table, and decided that he would join the others for dinner. Turning around to leave, he suddenly came face to face with...


"Aeryn!" John was quite surprised to see the former Peacekeeper standing there in his door. "Uh... hi."


She stood staring at him almost appearing ready to turn and flee, but she stayed. Aeryn stared at him uncertainly, but managed a simple. "Hi."


"Are you oka...?" He stopped, frowning. "Sorry, I should have remembered....that's one question you hate to hear right about now."


Aeryn walked into his room. "If you need to know, I'm feeling okay."


"I'm glad to hear that."


John could see how uneasy she was, but he was grateful that Aeryn was at least talking to him now. He decided to keep all the possible topics between them simple and let her set the tone and pace.


"If we find Sheba's fleet," Aeryn looked over at him. "Don't go."


This took John by surprise while at the same time, it lifted his spirits. He nodded his agreement, and said softly, "I'll stay if that's what you want."


"I need you." Aeryn's voice wavered for a moment, but she composed herself quickly. "I need you to be in my life, but I can't promise how it'll turn out. However I can't deny that Sheba's people might be your only chance to get back home."


"I know, but unless you were coming with me, I never intended to go home anyway. The only reason I accepted the idea of joining Sheba's fleet was because I could see what my presence aboard Moya was doing to you. There's a saying on my world, 'if you love something, you have to be prepared to set it free', or something like that."


"Definitely sounds like another silly Erp saying of yours," Aeryn commented.


"But it's the truth." John smiled. For a moment, it sounded like the Aeryn he knew. "Painful as it might be."


"It was hard seeing you so soon after loosing him, but I'm over that now. Sheba told me that I'm still in mourning and that I need time."


"I couldn't agree more," said John. "Take all the time you need, Aeryn. I can wait."


"But what do I do now?" Aeryn asked.


"Take it one day at a time."


"That's it? You and Sheba out these pearls of Human wisdom that are supposed to make everything so simple and plain." John watched her growing angry as she shouted. "But you never bother to tell me....how do I take it one day at a time!?"


"Aeryn, all that I'm saying..." John gently tried to calm her down.


"The hez with it!" Aeryn yelled. "I tried to wrap myself back into my Peacekeeper discipline, but it didn't work. I tried following my heart, but that's in ruins. So what's the magical solution?"


John stepped closer to her, trying to figure out where all this fury was coming from. "Aeryn..."


"I want someone to take my pain away and my anger!" she shouted.


"What anger?" John was bewildered.


"At you!" Aeryn hissed. "You just had to be the hero, and get yourself killed."


He immediately knew she was referring to the other John. Aeryn looked like she was close to the edge of an emotional breakdown.


John shook his head. "Aeryn, that wasn't me."


"You are both the same! If you had come with me instead of the other John, you would have done exactly the same frelling thing! It's how you are. It's what you are!" Aeryn pointed angrily at Crichton. She suddenly had to stop and she slowly choked back her growing tears. "And you would have still left me to watch you die."


Aeryn paced about unable to stop herself from sobbing. "I need to know....... how do I know that you won't do that to me again?"


"Aeryn, he did it to save you and the others," Crichton said gently.


Aeryn's face was ashen, stained with tear tracks. She ran her hands through her hair, almost threatening to pull some out by the roots as she cried at him, "Do I look saved?! You would give your life for me, but you never stopped to think that you would leave me alone to cry over your body."


"Oh God, Aeryn."


John couldn't stand any longer to see Aeryn torn by such agony. He closed the gap between them in a few quick steps and wrapped his arms about her. Much to his relief, Aeryn didn't try to push him away. Instead she collapsed into his arms and wept uncontrollably.


Aeryn wound her fist into the back of his shirt and held onto him tightly as she continued crying. "I'm sorry, but I miss him!"


"I know," John whispered in her ear, as he found himself crying with her. "Let it out."