Disclaimer: None of this belongs to me, save Bill's inner thoughts. All belongs to
Tolkien. Ai, Elbereth, do not sue me!
A/N: This is an UNAUTHORISTED take-off of Cassandra Claire's Secret Diary Series.
It also hints a bit to Freelancer's (a friend of mine IRL) Lothlorien Diaries. You can find
Cassie's diaries at http://diaries.diagon.org or http://livejournal.com/~cassieclaire .
To those of you who don't know, Bill is the pony that Sam buys in Bree and takes with
him throughout their journey, all the way to the gates of Moria. As I lent out my copy of
FotR, and so cannot check back in the book for exact dates and names, this fic is
movieverse. Unfortunately, Arod, Hasufel, and Shadowfax don't make an appearance.
----------------------------
Day 1: Stuck in grungy human village called Bree, after being sold to stupid human.
Stupid horse-traders. Stupid humans. Stupid hobbits. Stupid bipedal creatures.
Day 30: Still in Bree. Stupid human not feeding me enough. Haven't seen grain or a
carrot in a month. All grass has turned to mud. Was so hungry that I attempted to snack
on the hair of a hobbit standing too close to my paddock. Hobbit took pity on me and
gave me an apple. Hobbits quite useful at times.
Day 32: Treats received from hobbits: 4. V. good!
Day 36: Have been bought by four hobbits! Go me!
Day 37: Pudgy hobbit named 'Sam' insists on calling me 'Bill'. Wish I could explain to
him that my true name is 'Carrotnose'. At least 'Bill' is better than what stupid Bree
human called me. Of course, anything is better than that Elf's wretched High-Elven name.
I mean, really, 'Teleporno'?!
Day 38: Wish I could get out of here. Scary, wraith-horses after us. Sam is won't shut
up. Keeps going on about how "Yer a very good listener, you are. You unnerstan' me,
doncha Bill?" Then keep talking about how pretty Frodo is, how much he loves Frodo,
that Aragorn just wants in his pants. Sam says he'll kill him if he tries anything.
Day 40: Am being forced to carry v. sick hobbit on top of all the baggage. Have
considered simply dumping the hobbit and running off. Am sure packs and baggage
would eventually come off. Too scared to do it, though. Wraith horse #5 threatened to
do unsightly things to my ponyhood.
Day 42: Was interrupted from trudging when tall, v. pretty white Elvish horse bearing a
Aragorn's hot elf fiancé showed up to save Frodo. Am smitten. Must get to this
Rivendell place – am sure they will have v. nice stables.
Day 44: At Rivendell. Was given bath and thorough currying by nice Elf. Stalls here v.
big. Apparently Elves don't trust us equines enough to realize we'd know better than to
accidentally fall down a waterfall if left loose. Was still v. glad to be rid of annoying
baggage and old halter.
Day 45: Have asked around stables. Tall, v. handsome stallion is named Asfaloth. Have
been lurking around his part of the stables recently. Wonder if he's into ponies.
Day 48: Asfaloth most *definitely* into ponies.
Day 59: Am being forced to leave Rivendell with hobbits. V. sad to leave Asfaloth, and
all the pretty elf stablehands. At least wraith-horses drowned. The fifth one tried to have
a go at me at Weathertop.
Day 61: Back to trekking cross-country with pervy hobbit fanciers and their short
'friends'. Boromir obviously on quest just to claim Ring for Gondor and roll around with
small men in shorts. Incidentally, I am I the only one who notices how he, Merry, and
Pippin are always together?
Day 63: After being spied on by huge crows, have turned back. Boromir suggested we
go through the GAP of Rohan. Am shocked. Didn't know he was into fashion, beyond
swords, arm-guards, shields, and conveniently named musical instruments.
Later
Just heard Boromir pull the blow-my-Horn-of-Gondor trick on Pippin. And Pippin said
yes. Wonder if Pippin realized it had nothing to do with musical instruments.
Day 67: Gandalf dragging us up huge snowy mountain. Gimli said something about no
one listening to him, but I tuned him out. However, did hear Gandalf muttering to
himself about 'not going through the Mines' and bad dates. Now that's an eye-opener,
and no mistake. Had no idea Gandalf was into Dwarves.
Day 68: Saruman playing with weather again. Stupid bipedal creatures paying no mind
to me, or how hard it is to carry large amounts of gear and food through chest-high snow.
If Legolas doesn't stop nancing around on top of the snow, he's going to have hoof-
shaped bruises permanently gracing that butt-of-granite.
Day 70: Gandalf convinced to go back down mountain when entire Fellowship buried in
snow and almost knocked down gigantic cliff numerous times. Saruman apparently
better at playing with clouds than Gandalf. He's decided to go down to Moria and sulk.
Day 73: Have gotten out of this stupid Fellowship! Go me! Was left at entrance to
Moria. Was somewhat disturbed by the look on Sam's face when I left. Am glad I'm not
going into Mines, though. Dwarf mentioned something about stairs. Lots and lots of
stairs. Ponies don't do stairs.
Day 75: Gradually wandering back to Rivendell. Hope that Asfaloth hasn't found
himself a new pony…
Tolkien. Ai, Elbereth, do not sue me!
A/N: This is an UNAUTHORISTED take-off of Cassandra Claire's Secret Diary Series.
It also hints a bit to Freelancer's (a friend of mine IRL) Lothlorien Diaries. You can find
Cassie's diaries at http://diaries.diagon.org or http://livejournal.com/~cassieclaire .
To those of you who don't know, Bill is the pony that Sam buys in Bree and takes with
him throughout their journey, all the way to the gates of Moria. As I lent out my copy of
FotR, and so cannot check back in the book for exact dates and names, this fic is
movieverse. Unfortunately, Arod, Hasufel, and Shadowfax don't make an appearance.
----------------------------
Day 1: Stuck in grungy human village called Bree, after being sold to stupid human.
Stupid horse-traders. Stupid humans. Stupid hobbits. Stupid bipedal creatures.
Day 30: Still in Bree. Stupid human not feeding me enough. Haven't seen grain or a
carrot in a month. All grass has turned to mud. Was so hungry that I attempted to snack
on the hair of a hobbit standing too close to my paddock. Hobbit took pity on me and
gave me an apple. Hobbits quite useful at times.
Day 32: Treats received from hobbits: 4. V. good!
Day 36: Have been bought by four hobbits! Go me!
Day 37: Pudgy hobbit named 'Sam' insists on calling me 'Bill'. Wish I could explain to
him that my true name is 'Carrotnose'. At least 'Bill' is better than what stupid Bree
human called me. Of course, anything is better than that Elf's wretched High-Elven name.
I mean, really, 'Teleporno'?!
Day 38: Wish I could get out of here. Scary, wraith-horses after us. Sam is won't shut
up. Keeps going on about how "Yer a very good listener, you are. You unnerstan' me,
doncha Bill?" Then keep talking about how pretty Frodo is, how much he loves Frodo,
that Aragorn just wants in his pants. Sam says he'll kill him if he tries anything.
Day 40: Am being forced to carry v. sick hobbit on top of all the baggage. Have
considered simply dumping the hobbit and running off. Am sure packs and baggage
would eventually come off. Too scared to do it, though. Wraith horse #5 threatened to
do unsightly things to my ponyhood.
Day 42: Was interrupted from trudging when tall, v. pretty white Elvish horse bearing a
Aragorn's hot elf fiancé showed up to save Frodo. Am smitten. Must get to this
Rivendell place – am sure they will have v. nice stables.
Day 44: At Rivendell. Was given bath and thorough currying by nice Elf. Stalls here v.
big. Apparently Elves don't trust us equines enough to realize we'd know better than to
accidentally fall down a waterfall if left loose. Was still v. glad to be rid of annoying
baggage and old halter.
Day 45: Have asked around stables. Tall, v. handsome stallion is named Asfaloth. Have
been lurking around his part of the stables recently. Wonder if he's into ponies.
Day 48: Asfaloth most *definitely* into ponies.
Day 59: Am being forced to leave Rivendell with hobbits. V. sad to leave Asfaloth, and
all the pretty elf stablehands. At least wraith-horses drowned. The fifth one tried to have
a go at me at Weathertop.
Day 61: Back to trekking cross-country with pervy hobbit fanciers and their short
'friends'. Boromir obviously on quest just to claim Ring for Gondor and roll around with
small men in shorts. Incidentally, I am I the only one who notices how he, Merry, and
Pippin are always together?
Day 63: After being spied on by huge crows, have turned back. Boromir suggested we
go through the GAP of Rohan. Am shocked. Didn't know he was into fashion, beyond
swords, arm-guards, shields, and conveniently named musical instruments.
Later
Just heard Boromir pull the blow-my-Horn-of-Gondor trick on Pippin. And Pippin said
yes. Wonder if Pippin realized it had nothing to do with musical instruments.
Day 67: Gandalf dragging us up huge snowy mountain. Gimli said something about no
one listening to him, but I tuned him out. However, did hear Gandalf muttering to
himself about 'not going through the Mines' and bad dates. Now that's an eye-opener,
and no mistake. Had no idea Gandalf was into Dwarves.
Day 68: Saruman playing with weather again. Stupid bipedal creatures paying no mind
to me, or how hard it is to carry large amounts of gear and food through chest-high snow.
If Legolas doesn't stop nancing around on top of the snow, he's going to have hoof-
shaped bruises permanently gracing that butt-of-granite.
Day 70: Gandalf convinced to go back down mountain when entire Fellowship buried in
snow and almost knocked down gigantic cliff numerous times. Saruman apparently
better at playing with clouds than Gandalf. He's decided to go down to Moria and sulk.
Day 73: Have gotten out of this stupid Fellowship! Go me! Was left at entrance to
Moria. Was somewhat disturbed by the look on Sam's face when I left. Am glad I'm not
going into Mines, though. Dwarf mentioned something about stairs. Lots and lots of
stairs. Ponies don't do stairs.
Day 75: Gradually wandering back to Rivendell. Hope that Asfaloth hasn't found
himself a new pony…