Do These Robes Make Me Look Fat?
And many other feminine queries and qualms of Lord Voldemort.
By: Hayley Annette Izabella
Voldie sat up on his pink futon bed, thoroughly refreshed by his nap. He pressed the intercom button.
"At your service my lord..." Followed the voice of Wormtail from the dressing room.
"Are my robes ready yet?" Voldie said impatiently.
"Yes they are my lord. I just pressed them and now they are hanging in your closet." Assured Wormtail.
"Well it is, 4 o'clock, Do you know what that means?" Voldie replied, obviously pleased at Wormtail's efficiency.
"Umm... time to...." Peter began.
"...polish my lovely bald head." Voldemort supplied.
"Right. I'll be up momentarily." Wormtail said.
***
A split second later Peter appeared clutching a jar of aloe and beeswax lotion. He rushed over to Voldie and proceeded to slather the concoction onto Voldie's baby butt smooth head.
"Ahh yes that is refreshing." Voldie intoned.
"I'm sure it is sir." Said Wormtail greasily.
"On second thought Wormtail, this ensemble lacks a certain ethnic quality." Voldie murmured thoughtfully.
"What exactly do you mean?" Peter asked dreading the idiotic answer he would receive.
"I don't know I just don't feel gangster enough in these robes. I mean I might be more comfortable in some baggy denim jeans a white tee and a pair of Timberlands with plenty of ice." Voldie said using Ebonics in every other word.
"Are you sure you should wear Muggle clothes to a Death Eater's Ball my lord?" Wormtail said warily.
"I can do whatever I jolly well please, I know my dashing good looks and amazing charm afford me that luxury." Voldie almost shouted indignantly.
"Yes my lord, I will have the afore mentioned items ready within the hour..."
"After you finish polishing my head."
"Of course my lord."
***
Voldemort sat reclined in his Genie Bottle Room inspired by Carmen Elektra's episode of Cribs. He was watching the new Eminem video on TRL.
"Carson is such a HOTTIE!!!!" He shrieked like a thirteen year-old teenybopper.
"Sir..." Wormtail muttered sheepishly, his head peeped in through the beaded curtain.
"You are interrupting, I was just about to see who had the number one video!!! I bet it's that "Complicated" song." Voldie called still not taking his eyes from Carson's sweet visage.
"What song?" Wormtail asked hesitantly.
"Oh you know.... "TAKE OFF ALL YOUR PREPPY CLOTHES..." that song." Shouted Voldie in an irritating nasal voice.
"Oh you mean "WHY'D YA HAVE TO GO AND MAKE THINGS SO COOOOMPLICAAATED?" Countered Wormtail in an even more obnoxious tone with the diva hand motions to go with it.
Hearing all this Nagini hissed and slithered out of the room, obviously disturbed at how the leader of the Dark Community didn't even know the difference between a chorus and a verse.
"Nagini, that hurt my feelings. How could you not like my singing?" Voldemort proceeded to sob into his bed of tasseled pillows.
"Wah Wah Wah ..........."
"Sir your singing isn't terrible. I rather enjoy it."
"You did?" Voldie said in an almost happy voice his disgusting snake-like face peeking out from under the pillows.
"Well on second thought..... Don't ever do it again." Stated Wormtail thoughtfully.
"No one loves me! No one wants to be my date to the Death Eater Ball! I'll never fall in love. Never! Never! Never!" Voldie screamed and threw himself back onto the cushions and kicked his feet and pounded his fists.
Wormtail crept out of the room without another word.
***
Two more hours have passed and Voldie is asleep in his Genie Bottle thoroughly exhausted after pitching such a fit earlier.
"Sir you really must get ready now. The Ball starts at seven thirty. And it is six o'clock now. You're really going to have to hurry." "You're right. I haven't even shaved my legs and I was planning on wearing open toed go-go boots with that jean skirt. So I'll have to shave my big toes too."
"Then I suggest you hop in the shower. Go on now. I'll lay out all the possible outfits on your futon."
Voldie skipped into his bathroom made a second mental note about the Venetian Blinds and shed his robes. He turned the shower to the highest pressure and let the hot water sooth and exfoliate his back. Ten minutes later he turned off the tap and wrapped himself in a fluffy pink towel and slid into his bunny slippers.
Upon reaching his dressing room he examined the outfits for the evening. The first was a short cut-off denim mini skirt and an N*Sync t- shirt with the sleeves and neckline raveled for that messy look. The second ensemble was a leopard print stretchy skirt and a black three-quarter- length sweater and a pair of classy black sunglasses. The third and most appealing choice was a stonewashed to the knee jean skirt and a gauzy baby- blue peasant blouse with a drawstring neckline.
Snatching the third outfit Voldie stepped into the jean skirt and zipped it up. Next sliding into the peasant blouse. Glancing into the mirror Voldemort grinned at his reflection. He was a knockout. Voldie slipped his feet into the high-heeled tan boots and looked at his toenails peeking out of the openings at the ends. How cute! Next he put on his iced out Rolex and his sterling silver oversized cross. He tugged a blue do-rag over his bald head and slipped his arms into some lightweight baby-blue robes.
"I look perfect! How will they be able to resist me?" And with a splash of Clinique happy he waltzed out the door yelling for Wormtail to fetch his wand.
A/N Sorry this chapter took so long, I have been quite busy this summer. I suspect only Shelly will review this but we shall see we shall see. Hope you guys like it. Next chapter sometime next week hopefully. Quality over quickness I dare say. Later! ~Hayley
Disclaimer: Complicated lyrics belong to Avril Lavigne, sorry I butchered them. Also adorable Voldie and crew belong to J.K. Rowling in some less grotesque form.
By: Hayley Annette Izabella
Voldie sat up on his pink futon bed, thoroughly refreshed by his nap. He pressed the intercom button.
"At your service my lord..." Followed the voice of Wormtail from the dressing room.
"Are my robes ready yet?" Voldie said impatiently.
"Yes they are my lord. I just pressed them and now they are hanging in your closet." Assured Wormtail.
"Well it is, 4 o'clock, Do you know what that means?" Voldie replied, obviously pleased at Wormtail's efficiency.
"Umm... time to...." Peter began.
"...polish my lovely bald head." Voldemort supplied.
"Right. I'll be up momentarily." Wormtail said.
***
A split second later Peter appeared clutching a jar of aloe and beeswax lotion. He rushed over to Voldie and proceeded to slather the concoction onto Voldie's baby butt smooth head.
"Ahh yes that is refreshing." Voldie intoned.
"I'm sure it is sir." Said Wormtail greasily.
"On second thought Wormtail, this ensemble lacks a certain ethnic quality." Voldie murmured thoughtfully.
"What exactly do you mean?" Peter asked dreading the idiotic answer he would receive.
"I don't know I just don't feel gangster enough in these robes. I mean I might be more comfortable in some baggy denim jeans a white tee and a pair of Timberlands with plenty of ice." Voldie said using Ebonics in every other word.
"Are you sure you should wear Muggle clothes to a Death Eater's Ball my lord?" Wormtail said warily.
"I can do whatever I jolly well please, I know my dashing good looks and amazing charm afford me that luxury." Voldie almost shouted indignantly.
"Yes my lord, I will have the afore mentioned items ready within the hour..."
"After you finish polishing my head."
"Of course my lord."
***
Voldemort sat reclined in his Genie Bottle Room inspired by Carmen Elektra's episode of Cribs. He was watching the new Eminem video on TRL.
"Carson is such a HOTTIE!!!!" He shrieked like a thirteen year-old teenybopper.
"Sir..." Wormtail muttered sheepishly, his head peeped in through the beaded curtain.
"You are interrupting, I was just about to see who had the number one video!!! I bet it's that "Complicated" song." Voldie called still not taking his eyes from Carson's sweet visage.
"What song?" Wormtail asked hesitantly.
"Oh you know.... "TAKE OFF ALL YOUR PREPPY CLOTHES..." that song." Shouted Voldie in an irritating nasal voice.
"Oh you mean "WHY'D YA HAVE TO GO AND MAKE THINGS SO COOOOMPLICAAATED?" Countered Wormtail in an even more obnoxious tone with the diva hand motions to go with it.
Hearing all this Nagini hissed and slithered out of the room, obviously disturbed at how the leader of the Dark Community didn't even know the difference between a chorus and a verse.
"Nagini, that hurt my feelings. How could you not like my singing?" Voldemort proceeded to sob into his bed of tasseled pillows.
"Wah Wah Wah ..........."
"Sir your singing isn't terrible. I rather enjoy it."
"You did?" Voldie said in an almost happy voice his disgusting snake-like face peeking out from under the pillows.
"Well on second thought..... Don't ever do it again." Stated Wormtail thoughtfully.
"No one loves me! No one wants to be my date to the Death Eater Ball! I'll never fall in love. Never! Never! Never!" Voldie screamed and threw himself back onto the cushions and kicked his feet and pounded his fists.
Wormtail crept out of the room without another word.
***
Two more hours have passed and Voldie is asleep in his Genie Bottle thoroughly exhausted after pitching such a fit earlier.
"Sir you really must get ready now. The Ball starts at seven thirty. And it is six o'clock now. You're really going to have to hurry." "You're right. I haven't even shaved my legs and I was planning on wearing open toed go-go boots with that jean skirt. So I'll have to shave my big toes too."
"Then I suggest you hop in the shower. Go on now. I'll lay out all the possible outfits on your futon."
Voldie skipped into his bathroom made a second mental note about the Venetian Blinds and shed his robes. He turned the shower to the highest pressure and let the hot water sooth and exfoliate his back. Ten minutes later he turned off the tap and wrapped himself in a fluffy pink towel and slid into his bunny slippers.
Upon reaching his dressing room he examined the outfits for the evening. The first was a short cut-off denim mini skirt and an N*Sync t- shirt with the sleeves and neckline raveled for that messy look. The second ensemble was a leopard print stretchy skirt and a black three-quarter- length sweater and a pair of classy black sunglasses. The third and most appealing choice was a stonewashed to the knee jean skirt and a gauzy baby- blue peasant blouse with a drawstring neckline.
Snatching the third outfit Voldie stepped into the jean skirt and zipped it up. Next sliding into the peasant blouse. Glancing into the mirror Voldemort grinned at his reflection. He was a knockout. Voldie slipped his feet into the high-heeled tan boots and looked at his toenails peeking out of the openings at the ends. How cute! Next he put on his iced out Rolex and his sterling silver oversized cross. He tugged a blue do-rag over his bald head and slipped his arms into some lightweight baby-blue robes.
"I look perfect! How will they be able to resist me?" And with a splash of Clinique happy he waltzed out the door yelling for Wormtail to fetch his wand.
A/N Sorry this chapter took so long, I have been quite busy this summer. I suspect only Shelly will review this but we shall see we shall see. Hope you guys like it. Next chapter sometime next week hopefully. Quality over quickness I dare say. Later! ~Hayley
Disclaimer: Complicated lyrics belong to Avril Lavigne, sorry I butchered them. Also adorable Voldie and crew belong to J.K. Rowling in some less grotesque form.