Chapter Two: Chillin' Like a Villain
By: The All Knowing, All Hating ROBINC and The Pink_Apocalypse
Seifer is sitting on his couch polishing the Hyperion as the doorbell finally rings. Jumping up in delight he flips over the back of the couch and dashes to the door to greet his guests. Opening the door he shouts a welcome to the villains and grabs Raijin by the arm yanking him to the side. He hisses, "What took you so long!"
"It's a long story, ya know," Raijin mumbles. Fujin looks up from taking the various villains bags and states simply, "SQUALL."
Seifer's face turns red in rage, but before he can open his mouth to say anything Kuja is heard shrieking, "Oh! Oh! OH! Rice crispy treats! I love rice crispy treats!"
Grumbling, Seifer turns away from the other two members of the posse and says, "Alright, let's get this party started. Well… um… what do people do at these parties anyway? I know lets play a game!"
Kuja jumps up with rice crispy treats in his mouth, "I know! I know! Dress up!"
Sephiroth looks at Kuja annoyed, "What are we preschoolers or fearsome villains from whom all the world trembles?!!!"
Ignoring them Seifer tilts his head to the side and thinking out loud says, "How 'bout spin the bottle." His eyes shift from Ultimacia and Fujin to Kefka who winks at him and he quickly shouts, "Never mind."
Kefka grabs the plate of rice crispy treats from Kuja and says, "Well, we could always do each other's make up."
Adel and Ultimacia become instantly interested and shout, "Yes!" in unison.
Rufus grimaces and says flatly, "No thank you."
Hojo steps forward and suggests, "How about 'My Pet Monster'?"
Adel turns to Hojo and raises an eyebrow, "How do you play that?"
Hojo pulls a set of dice out of his pocket and hands them to Adel. Adjusting his glasses he says, "Well you see, everyone roles the dice and the person who rolls the highest number gets to be eaten by my pet monster. If there is a tie - everyone gets eaten! Sounds like fun, right?"
Rufus and the Turks groan. Reno says, "What is it with you and funny creatures anyway!"
Hojo replies, "They are interesting! You would be amazed what you can do with a butterfly and a few Jenova cells,"
Suddenly Seifer is hit by a bolt of inspiration, "I know we can play 'Truth or Dare!'"
Everyone nods their heads in agreement and they all sit in a circle on the floor. "Well since this is MY party I get to ask the first question! Kefka, Truth or Dare?"
"Truth!"
Seifer scratches his head thinking and then says, "Do you have to paint that make up on every morning?"
Kefka laughs, "Oh no! It's lead paint! Stays on better than the other stuff! That was far too easy of a question." Kefka stops and laughs his horrible sixteen-bit laugh and everyone in the room winces. Kefka stops laughing and declares, "Now it's my turn… um… Rufus, truth or dare!"
"Truth"
"Is it true that Seifer is your illegitimate son that you mailed away to the world of Final Fantasy VIII?"
Rufus grimaces, "No… that's absurd!" He turns to Turks and whispers, "You said you'd take care of that!"
Tzeng rolls his eyes and whispers back to his boss, "Sir change the subject, everyone's staring at you."
Rufus flips his hair and quickly says, "Raijin, truth or dare?"
"Dare, ya know!"
"I dare you to French Kiss… Kuja!"
"AHHH!! No way, ya know!"
Rufus laughs manically and Kuja says, "Pucker up baby!"
Raijin casts a forlorn glance at Seifer who simply smirks. "You the one who asked for a dare in a room full of bad guys."
Pouting Raijin reluctantly leans over and kisses Kuja on the cheek. Rufus smirks evilly, "No way Raijin, you can't get of that easy. Tongue." Grumbling Raijin kisses Kuja again and the jumps back shrieking GROSS, ya know!" as he runs to the kitchen and gargles with peroxide. He comes back in the room with white foam coming out of the corner of his mouth.
"Okay, my turn, ya know! Seifer, truth or dare, ya know?"
Seifer still light headed from laughing so hard says, "Dare." Suddenly his eyes narrow and he says, "No, wait! Truth, Truth!"
Raijin smirks, "Too late, you said dare, ya know. So, you have to streak the Garden, ya know!"
Fujin raises an eyebrow, "INTERESTING." Kuja also raises an eyebrow.
"Fine, I'll do it, but I'll do it later, we have to finish our game."
"How do we know you will actually do it, ya know?"
Seifer leans back, "I give you my word."
All of the villains laugh and Ultimacia adds, "Kome on!"
Seifer's eyes narrow, "My word on my hatred of Edea!"
Raijin looks confused, "Your hatred of Edea? I thought you we're like her knight, ya know?"
Seifer crosses his arms, "Ya, I used to be all M'lady this and M'lady that until M'lady left me high and dry with the check to pay out of my hide while she went off and had it good the whole way through the game!! Do you know what I hate more than anything else in the world, including Squall and Chickenwuss, bad guys who turn GOOD!!! Everyone knows that a bad guy has it good up until the end of the game. Our great plot is working out, we are aggravating the good guy, we are laughing, and generally having a good time for ourselves. Hell, we are unbeatable until our last climatic battle! All and all it's a pretty good gig! The heroes on the other hand are stuck with the short end of the stick! They can't do squat right, their lives literally fall apart in the middle, half the time they aren't even really who they thought they are and the are chasing us around shrieking 'NOO' all the time while we're shrieking 'YES!'. Being a hero pretty much sucks!! Until the end, of course, when out of the blue everything finally falls into place and the bad guy is tragically beaten." Seifer wipes away a tear and continues, "Sure they get the better ending, but hell they've earned by the time they get there! However, these bad guys gone good have it sweet the whole way through the game! They have the great beginning of a villain AND the happily ever after of a hero! They are sellouts! No one deserves it good all the way through the game, especially not traitor who can't decide whose side they are on!!! Now, good guys gone bad – THERE is something to be respected!!!! They have the worst possible role imaginable. They pay the dues of a good guy in the beginning and then they turn around and have to pay the dues of villain in the end. You know a good guy gone bad is doing what they do because they really believe in it they are not just going for the-"
Raijin interrupts Seifer, "Enough, ya know!!! I think you're just trying to get out of streaking the Garden now, ya know." Seifer glares at him.
Rude pipes up in the silence, "That's the problem with villains now days they are just to long winded."
Fujin nods, "AGREED"
Rude starts to reply, "The always gotta have these…"
Rude trails off and Elena steps in to finish for him. "Ya, what Rude's trying to say they always gotta have these long winded speeches when they could just sum up what they are trying to say in one or two words. But instead they have to be all flashy and just keep talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking-"
Fujin cuts in saying, "RAIJIN. RESPOND."
"Ya, like Fuu is saying whatever happened to villains who just say what they mean and don't go on talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talkin – OUCH, Fujin why did you kick me. Ya know?!"
"MORON."
"Oh, yea, I mean whatever happened to villains who are short sweet and to the point, ya know"
Kefka nods his head and agrees, "Yes, villains today aren't like they used to be in my day. They just love to hear their own voices so much, they get side tracked and keep talking when they really have nothing left to say. Their attention spans are so…. Ooooo 3-D Doritos! How novel! They are all puffy and triangular. I bet some one would choke really easily on these… and we could hear them scream and I love to hear people scream… only they wouldn't be able to scream too well since they would have something stuck in their throats… although I bet they would make kind of a neat gurgle noise-"
Kuja cuts Kefka off starts jumping up and down whining, "I wanta play the GAME!!"
Sephiroth groans, "Well that was a very long pointless tangent to get off on just to try and avoid streaking the Garden."
Adel leans forward to grab a Mountain Dew and accidentally pokes Hojo with her antenna. Hojo grumbles, "I've been poked by bigger freaks that you." Adel ignores him, takes a gulp of her soda and then spits it out all over Hojo who merely grumbles.
Ultimacia stands up saying, "Kut it out! Kome Seifer! Prove you are not all talk!"
Seifer jumps to his feet, "Yes, M'lady!" and the villains scamper off toward the Garden.
***Author's Notes***
Okay so maybe this wasn't the Monkey Patsy Rant… we got a little side tracked. The VILLIANS made us do it! But next time… Next time not only will we have the Flunkey Monkey rant but Seifer will streak the garden! And come on ya can't miss that!!
Hey – Hey anybody see some sort of weird similarity between Fujin and Rude and Elena and Raijin…. humm… kinda makes ya think…
Oh ya! Thank you all so much for loving us and leaving such nice reviews! We love good reviews! So more would be even better!! Bye now! Until next time – BE EVIL!