Chapter Three: The Flunkey Monkey
By: The All Knowing, All Hating ROBINC and The Pink_Apocalypse
The List
Brown paper bags
Lighters
Toilet paper
A whole lot of eggs
Sighing Raijin scans The List quickly and shakes his head at Seifer. "What is it with you and lists, ya know?"
Seifer shoots Raijin an icy glare and says, "If you must know they are extremely handy! Without a list it is incredibly easy to forget what to get at the store or the names of those you hate!"
"Most people remember who they hate without a list cuz… well they just do, ya know?"
"Well most people probably don't hate as many people as I do now shut up and get in the minivan Raijin!"
As Seifer climbs into the driver's seat Kuja, Kefka, and Hojo rush toward the Van screaming, "Shotgun, Shotgun, I call SHOTGUN!!!" Shoving Kefka and Hojo to the ground Kuja dashes over to the front passenger's seat and yanks the door open. His triumphant smile fades as he suddenly realizes he is staring down the black barrel of Rufus Shinra's gun.
Backing up Kuja whines, "Nooooo faaaaiir! I called Shotgun first!"
Rufus smirks wickedly and flips his hair. He looks down his nose at Kuja and says condescendingly, "Well yes you did but I have the shotgun so I win." Kuja opens his mouth to argue so Rufus racks the gun chambering a round. Sweat dropping Kuja turns around and heads for the backseat squeezing in between Hojo and Adel who stop trying to bite each other only long enough for him to buckle up.
Ignoring the squabbling Seifer yanks some wires out from under the dashboard and starts trying to hotwire Zell's mom's minivan and they're off.
Reno, who happens to be quite smashed in the very back seat of the van where all of the patsies have been forced to cram, lets out with a loud roar "I've had it! Man am I sick of this crap!! Patsy's have got the bum rap – too cool to be good and too lovable to be eViL!"
Raijin nods boisterously, "Amen to that, ya know."
Elena chimes in, "You tell 'em Reno!"
Rude pears over his sun glasses and adds, "…"
Fujin looks at Rude shocked for a moment and then agrees with him, "AFFIRMATIVE."
Reno takes a swig of some substance wrapped in a brown paper bag and continues, "The stuff we are really hated for is not even our idea in the first place. I mean knock down a whole section of the city to squash a single bar – I mean good idea boss! If I where in charge you know how I would have handled things? I would have just posted flyers all over Midgar saying free topless dance at Seventh Heaven and watched the animals tear the place apart! And then if Rude didn't demolished the place single handedly I sure plenty of other bums in the city would have been happy to finish the job!" Tzeng smirks, Rude blushes, and Reno pauses to take another swig from the container in his hand. "And like following around the cleavage queen Sorceress Edea was really Fujin and Raijin's idea – I mean Fujin's a girl and Raijin doesn't even know what girls are"
Raijin quickly chimes in, "Yeah, ya know," then he pauses and scratches his head, "Wait a minute…"
Fujin leans over Tzeng to smack the befuddled Raijin in the back of the head, "INSULT"
"Hey that was low – don't call Fuu a girl, ya know!"
Fujin grits her teeth and smacks Raijin again, "IMBICIL!"
"Ouch, I was just standing up for ya, ya know."
Reno kills the rest of his bottle and tosses it out the back of the car. The empty bottle flies though the air and smacks Zell in the head who happen to be trying to chase down the vehicle on foot. As he flips over falling into a ditch the tattooed martial artist shrieks, "I'm not likin' this story very much!!!!!!!!!"
Fujin smirks. But Raijin yells, "HEY, ya know. No littering, ya know! I am be evil but it's everyone's environment – we all have to share it, ya know." The entire Shinra Company turns and stares at Raijin dumbfounded.
Rufus reels around, "You aren't one of those environmentalists are you? One of those bloody planet huggers?" He racks the shotgun.
Raijin starts to cry, "No, ya know. But what about all my fishes, ya know! Maybe the bottle could roll into the ocean, ya know. And one of my fishes could swim into to it and get stuck, ya know. And then I couldn't catch it and gut it, ya know!"
Fujin leans over and pats Raijin on the back. Seifer takes his hands off of the wheel and turns to Rufus, "Don't point that at my patsy – besides how many times are you going to rack that thing! A shot gun – contrary to popular RPG belief only chambers one round." Rufus lowers the gun and grumbles, "It's a double barreled shot gun." Seifer suddenly throws the van in reverse and backs up at 89 mph.
Zell stands up rubbing his head, "Man, that bottle nearly killed meeeeeAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" And the last thing Zell saw before the world went black was the reflection of Seifer's smiling face in the rear view mirror. As Chicken Wuss sailed through the air the van screeched to a halt and Raijin hopped out and retrieved the empty bottle from the side of the road. As Raijin goes to climb back into the mini van a strange blue haired man with flipper hands walks up to the van. "Oh, thank you ever so much for stopping. I was just on my way to Spira when I realized that when you finally die you end up in the world of FFVIII – Oh, RUFUS! I saw you at that dead man's convention last week how is the healing process going? "
Rufus looks besmirched, "What are you talking about flipper I'm not dead!"
Seymour shakes his head sadly, "Admitting your dead is the first step to a happy afterlife – but accepting it is the last thing you want to do if you want to reek evil on the world."
Rufus raises an eyebrow, "I'm not DEAD!"
Tzeng shifts uncomfortably in the back seat – "Um… sir…"
"Shut up Tzeng – I don't want to hear it!"
Seymour smiles and then looks in the van, "OH A PARTY!!! Wait, how come I wasn't invited?"
Seifer shifts in his seat, "Well, Seymour there are a couple of reasons. First, you are dressed like an octopus. Second, your evil plan was forcing some one to marry you."
Hojo, cuts Seifer off, "Well, love affairs can be evil. Did you ruin her other lover's life?"
Seymour shifts uncomfortably, "Well…. no"
"Um… did you make mutant children?"
Sephiroth glares at Hojo, "Dead beat father."
Hojo turns to Sephiroth, "Well you always where such a mama's boy." Grumbling he turns back to Seymour, "Well, any mutant children?"
"Um… no"
"Did you at least laugh manically while you did it?"
"Not really… but I did wear a funny hat!"
Hojo glares at him, "Well that's not evil that's just desperate!"
The other villains nod in agreement.
Seymour sniffles, "But you let Kuja come and he really didn't do anything either."
Seifer sighs "Oh, oh alright – but none of your patsies can come. The Guado are just annoying and that puts them in the same boat as those damn Black Mages. Get in the van."
Seymour perks up and happily jumps in the van accidentally slapping Kefka in the face on the way in. As a small fight breaks out in the front, the van pulls off again with Raijin shrieking, "Wait, ya know!" and running as fast as he can behind the speeding vehicle.
Reno, yawns, and says, "Were was I? Oh, ya that's right. Patsies have a bum rap! We get blamed for everything and we're just following orders." All patsies nod, except Raijin who is still chasing the van. "I swear you could train a monkey to do our jobs. You tell the patsy to push a button he goes and does it, something blows up, and they're mad at the pasty for the rest of the game! But, you train a monkey to push a button and everybody says look at the cute monkey! Good Monkey – do you see a kind of hypocrisy there!"
Fujin nods, "TRUE"
Reno crosses his arms "I think the problem lies in society, not the patsy. Besides, its not like evil people are the only ones with patsies, heroes have 'em too – there are just called friends. When 'friends' do something stupid they just learn to forgive them – while if a patsy does something stupid they just end up slaughtered – often by the hero! Hypocrites I tell ya! Alright, I'm done."
Meanwhile, in the front of the van Ultimacia finally gets Seymour to quit slapping Kefka by threatening to twirl a stick and dance. When all settles down Seymour asks, "So, where are we going anyway?"
Seifer turns around to answer again letting go of the wheel, "We are going to vandalize the garden but first we have to…"
Elena shrieks completely ignoring the fact that the van is careening down the road out of control at well over 125 mph, "Wait Seifer that's MY job! Letting information slip is the only thing I'm good for!" Seifer shrugs, "Whatever. AHAA!!!" His face contorts in agony, " I can't believe I just said that!! AHHAA!" As Seifer continues to freak out the van swerves and nearly wanders off the road into a Dincht.
As the van screeches to a halt, Raijin comes running over, "Yay, ya know! Seifer, you came back for me ya know!"
Seifer looks around confused, "Oh, I must have driven in a circle while I was freaking out." As Seifer composes himself Raijin climbs back onto the back of the van and Elena explains in more detail that Seymour cared to know the plan to stop at a warehouse supply store to stock up on… well supplies to vandalize the Garden, and carry out Seifer's dare.
****Author's Note****
Ok, so we took some of our own advice – this was rather evil. We made you all wait over a year and then we still didn't give you Seifer streaking. Hey, but at least we gave you the Monkey Patsy Rant – and you know we are still alive (Barely!!) So - stay tuned for next time the villains run wild in Costco and Seifer finally strips down to his birthday suit and streaks the garden! Until then – Be EVIL!
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