Ch4: Life is a roller coaster

"Rage, rage against the dying of the light"

Dylan Thomas, Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

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4.  LIFE IS A ROLLER COASTER

Crichton didn't know how long he spent lost in his misery but eventually he opened his eyes and roused himself. He unfolded his arms, put his hands to the floor and pushed himself upright. His sisters had always insisted that crying was therapeutic. Well, he'd cried but he sure as hell didn't feel any better. He wiped his nose on the back of his hands and tried to ignore the pounding in his skull. Frowning slightly, he massaged the crick in his neck, moving his head gently from side to side to ease the cramp. His vision slowly swam into focus as he looked around him. Harvey was sat cross-legged in front of him. He appeared to be playing with a knotted piece of string.

"Harvey, what are you doing?" he asked screwing up his eyes.

"Cats cradle," the neural clone replied. "Amusing little game. Your sisters used to make you play it, don't you remember John?" He offered his hands to Crichton.

Crichton winced. He did remember, now the clone came to mention it. He waved the clone's hands away from him.

"No matter," said the clone, "I'm not here to play games. If you've quite finished with that ridiculous display, I think we should discuss what you are planning to do. You don't really intend to die here do you?" There was a hint of uncertainty in the clone's voice indicating that, despite his unparalleled access to Crichton's mind, he didn't yet know all its secrets.

"No. I don't intend to die. Although I agree the odds aren't in my favour just at the moment." He attempted a weak smile.

"John!" the clone's tone was sharp. "You must create a wormhole, you must get out of here. Or do you want this useless leviathan to become your tomb?"

Crichton shook his head.

"You can do it. You know how to create wormholes now and I reckon we're almost there on the 'fruit-cup' thing," Harvey added in softer tones, resting his hand on John's shoulder.

Crichton brushed off the gesture with a quick shrug.

"I don't understand you, John Crichton. This is what you've been dreaming about for the past three cycles. A way home. Why won't you use it? Are you still so afraid that Scorpius will come after you? I'd say you are in more danger from him if you stay. Whereas, if you go home, he's unlikely to catch up with you during your lifetime, or his now, seeing how you've blown up his precious research. He'll have to start from scratch and I suspect getting the funding might not be so easy this time. Why do you refuse to -"?

" - Because I might never find my way back," Crichton cut in. "Don't you understand? Even if by some miracle I found the exit marked Earth, I might never find the one marked Aeryn Sun. I don't want to go home. Not anymore. Hell yeah, I'd like to get a message to Dad, to DK, to let them know I'm okay." He gave a dry laugh. 'Okay', that was stretching it at bit. "But-I-want-to-find-Aeryn-more." He spoke slowly, trying to stop the tears from once more spilling down his cheeks. "Get that into your stubborn Sebacean, Scarren, whatever, skull. Now leave me the frell alone, okay?"

"No John. This has gone on long enough. I will not leave you alone. You die, I die. And as I have told you before, I am not inclined to go gentle into that good night."

Crichton put his hands to his face and shook his head. "Not poetry, Harv'. Anything but poetry, please!"

"So do something then. Really Crichton, I'm disappointed in you. You're no good to Aeryn dead."

Crichton's eyes flashed at the Clone's remark. That hurt. "Just get the frell away from me Harvey," he said.

"Very well. But I shall be back. I'm not finished with you." And with that the clone vanished.

Crichton's shoulders sagged. Left alone he was tempted to howl in frustration. The clone had a point. Drastic action would soon be required. The hallucinations were a symptom of his rapid deterioration and if he was truthful he wasn't sure for how much longer he would still be capable of flying FS1. His gaze fell on the wisp of smoke that had taken to hanging around. "And you can buzz off too," he told it crossly. He shook his head, what kind of delusion was that anyway, a wisp of smoke? Perhaps he was further gone than he realised.

He stood up, rubbed his hand across his stubbled chin and decided to go back to the Pilot's Den. Perhaps he had missed something. There had to be a way to get through to the leviathan, to get it to starburst so they reached the commerce system a little quicker. Well, he had nothing to lose. He bent down, picked up his pad and pencil and with a last fond glance at 'Aeryn', left the terrace.

Had he stayed, he would've seen something interesting. The wisp of smoke grew bigger, thicker and gradually took on the shape of a man: a short, fat man with thinning hair and wearing a long white robe.

The leviathan continued to glide through space towards its unknown destination.

Back in Pilot's den, Crichton clambered into the centre of the nest and stared at the control console around him. He gazed along the lifeless panels of red, blue and yellow buttons, checking that the layout was the same as on Moya. It was, as far as he could tell. So why wouldn't it work? He knelt down and peered into the hole where the Pilot should sit. There were dozens of shiny circuit boards and valves lining the walls. He had never seen the intricate inner workings before so he had no idea of what he was looking at or what he should be looking for. Pilot had always been there. He thought he could make out the interface where the bonds between Pilot and Leviathan would be made but that didn't help any. All he saw was a mind-boggling array of multi-coloured wires and empty sockets. He reached into his small flight bag and after a brief rummage around, pulled out a small tube of tools. He selected a screwdriver and stuck it into a socket at random.

"Oh great, now you're trying to electrocute yourself," said Harvey, from above him. The clone was laying across the back of console, his head resting on the hand of one propped-up arm. He was wearing a navy blue mechanic's overall, complete with grease and oil stains. The name on the left breast pocket said 'Harv''.

Crichton looked up and scowled at the apparition before him. "Go away or shut up. What I am supposed to do? I'm dying here man. I need your help, not your sarcasm." He waved the screwdriver at the clone's face.

Harvey didn't flinch. He raised his free hand and tapped on Crichton's forehead. "Wormholes John, wormholes."

Crichton threw the screwdriver to the floor, pulled himself out of the hole and slumped down at the base of the unit. He was stumped. It would be so much easier to simply curl up and wait for the inevitable end. He sighed, reached out and dragged his flight bag to his side. He peered inside to see if any of the bits of equipment inside might give him an idea of what to do next. His cassette player was no use. He pushed it to one side and his eyes came to rest on the message chip laying at the bottom. He didn't know how it had got there. He was almost certain he hadn't put it in there. If he had he'd know what was on it, and to be honest, he didn't have a clue. Crichton pulled out the chip and turned it around in his hand eyeing it suspiciously. Only one thing to do. He pushed himself up and went to insert it into the control panel. He stopped mid way. He'd forgotten that nothing was working. He gave a single shake of his head and sat back down, tossing the chip away.

He sat, head in hands, going over and over his limited options until he was violently thrown on to his side. His tool kit hit the floor, the contents scattering across the slippery surface. Crichton barely had time to pick himself up before he was once again knocked to the ground as the leviathan took a sharp left turn, followed by a wide swing to the right. "What the frell!" He was on the floor again.

The leviathan had entered a small but dense asteroid field. It had a fascination for fast moving objects and, as soon as it had seen the wonderful playground up ahead, had raced forward eager to practice the twists and turns that gave it so much pleasure. It had been fun at the beginning; swooping first left and then right to dodge the boulders coming towards it. But now the rocks were bigger and there were more of them. It was beginning to find it increasingly difficult to stay out of their way. There were too many of them and they were coming at it too fast.

A new sensation was entering its consciousness. It didn't yet have a name for it but whatever it was, it didn't like it. Some of the smaller rocks were beginning to get through and were ricocheting off its sides. The leviathan felt pain. It didn't like it. It wasn't nice. These objects hurt. In its heightened state it vaguely recalled feeling a similar sensation in its past. And then memories came flooding back. Momma! Where was Momma? Momma had made it stop it last time. Where was she now? The leviathan let out an enormous roar and hurtled forward.

Crichton heard a brief, but deafening high pitched wail and fell backwards. Harvey landed on top of him. Crichton groaned. "Harvey! You're not real. Get off me, already."

Harvey clambered to his feet. "John, I think we have a problem,"

"Frelling right we do," Crichton snapped back as he sat up. "And what the hell was that noise? Come on, we need to get to Command."

Easier said than done when you're being shaken like a margarita cocktail. John bounced off the walls of the leviathan but reached Command in one piece. He'd worry about the bruises and cracked ribs later. He didn't need the monitors to tell him what the problem was. He could see it from the windows. They were in the middle of an asteroid field. Whichever way he looked he saw rocks, big brown jagged edged rocks and lots of them. This was not looking good. He rolled his eyes. Why was it never easy?

He clutched the console in front of him as the leviathan twisted sharply to avoid a particularly large meteor that had suddenly appeared in their path. Crichton punched buttons on the panel in front of him, desperate to get a response from them but nothing happened. He glanced around Command looking for inspiration. He wished the others were with him. For a brief moment he closed his eyes trying to blot out the memories. When he opened them again, he was not alone. In one smooth movement he pulled Wynona from his holster and pointed at the being stood in front of him, his aim wavering slightly as he tried to keep his balance in the turbulence. "Who the hell are you?" He demanded.

"I am Kahaynu," the visitor replied.

"Zhaan said Kahaynu was an old guy with a beard. You're young, well youngish and you don't have a beard so how can you be him?" Crichton pointed out testily.

"He was Kahaynu. I am Kahaynu. We are all Kahaynu."

"Oh! Right, of course. You messing with me?" Crichton listened in disbelief to the explanation offered him.

"Why should I do that? I have no reason to 'mess with you' as you put it." The robed man folded his arms.

"Hmmm, that remains to be seen." Crichton didn't believe the guy, everyone seemed to mess with him in the end. "So why are you here?" He lurched to the left but continued to point the pulse pistol at the white gowned, clean shaven man in front of him.

"I control this leviathan."

"You control it? That's why nothing works?" Crichton's voice was friendly but his gun remained pointed at the stranger.

"It is young. Many of its functions have yet to develop and it has not learnt of the gifts at its disposal." Kahaynu spread his arms wide as he spoke.

"And that's why you're here. So where's Mom?" Crichton was having problems with this conversation. Zhaan had always been somewhat vague about her encounter with the Builders so he didn't have much to go on.

"This leviathan is a baby, not quite a monen old. It should have remained in its mother's care for some time yet but unfortunately that was not to be. The mother died."

"How? Why?" Crichton's mind raced as he tried to weigh up his options. He tilted his head to one side waiting to here what his unexpected visitor had to say.

Kahaynu sighed. "It is not important but I will answer. The breed known as Sebaceans, Peacekeepers, they attacked and tried to snare both mother and child. The mother lost her life saving her child. We became aware. It is not yet mature enough for the Bonding but it can not be allowed to roam free so it must be destroyed. I was sent to oversee its termination."

"What! You're here to kill it?" Crichton took a deep breath and re-focused his aim, he had no reason to care about this leviathan but he wasn't about to stand by while someone hurt it. Moya would never forgive him. For a brief moment Crichton also saw Aeryn dying under a volley of peacekeeper fire, clutching a child to her. He felt the muscles in his stomach contract and he swallowed hard.

"Yes. I am the executioner." Kahaynu replied softly.

"Then why haven't you done it? And why did you rescue me?" Crichton kept his eyes fixed on the man in front of him.

"I find I can not do it. This leviathan has no evil in it and offers nothing but love. Its only crime is to have lost its mother. Should it be terminated for that? I will be dispersed when I return to Kahaynu but so be it. I hoped to evade my duty. I guided it through the wormhole." The Builder looked as if he was about to cry.

Crichton was once again thrown off balance, and not just by the constant swings of the leviathan as it continued to try to dodge the missiles in its path.

"The leviathan responded to the sight of your craft," Kahaynu continued when Crichton had regained his balance. " I hoped to begin to teach it the nature of service."

"So why didn't you appear sooner?" Crichton asked rather more sharply than he intended but this conversation wasn't making any sense to him.

"I believed I had made a mistake. I detected evil in you. I still do. Yet you weep, you care. You resisted your thoughts of controlling this creature by force. So I watched and waited. You seem to know leviathans and I became aware you know Moya. We grieve for Moya and pity her loss even though her offspring was an abomination."

"Hey!" Crichton's eyes flashed as he heard Kahaynu's description of Talyn.

"It was a killing machine. That is not the purpose for which we created leviathans." Kahaynu's voice was flat.

The leviathan took a direct hit from a large meteor and Crichton was flung across the room. He picked himself up, retrieved his pulse pistol and turned once more to face Kahaynu. "If you're in control, can't you do anything about this? The kid is dying out there."

"It's too frightened to listen to me now. I am still new to it and it has gone beyond my reach."

"Frelling great. Is there anything else you can do? Like, give me control?"

"The leviathan still needs to be calmed. Even if I were to reactivate the flight system, it would resist your commands," Kahaynu stated bleakly.

The Leviathan took a second direct hit, Hammond side. A large hole was ripped in its side and the impact knocked it straight into the path of another large meteor. This one bounced across the leviathan, tearing through the outer hull and ripping a wide gash along the length of its back. The creature let out a howl of pain and increased its speed through the field, flinging itself into ever more desperate and violent manoeuvers to evade the projectiles coming towards it.

Inside, John was once again thrown to the floor. He hadn't even begun to pick himself up before the second impact sent him rolling across the Command centre floor. His progress was stopped when he hit a bulkhead wall with his head. They connected with a loud thud. Crichton swore. He tried to stand up but toppled over immediately as the leviathan lurched to the left. So, on hands and knees, he crawled back to where Kahaynu stood. The Builder showed no sign that he felt the leviathan's erratic flight.

Crichton reached up and gripped the control panel with both hands before heaving himself upright. He took a moment to catch his balance before saying, "Well you better come up with something quick because otherwise both me and this little leviathan are gonna be history."

"You know how to fly this beast?" Kahaynu asked Crichton.

"Yes," Crichton replied slowly. The hairs on the back of his neck began to bristle and he just knew he wasn't going to like whatever came next.

"I can stun the leviathan for a short time but that will shut everything down. You will lose light and oxygen but it should bring the main systems back online," Kahaynu explained.

"Hold on, we don't know how big this asteroid field is, I need to be able to breathe in here and what happens if Junior wakes up?"

"When she awakes I will try to get her to co-operate with you."

"You said she? Junior's a girl?"

"Yes," there was a note of irritation in the Builder's voice as he answered. "Is this important?"

"No, just curious. Does she have a name?"

"Are you willing to try this or not?" Kahaynu snapped at Crichton.

"You think it'll work?" he replied.

"I don't know. I chose this creature's existence over my own and I do not care to sacrifice my existence for nothing. I wish to make the attempt."

And before Crichton could reply the Builder began to fade before his eyes, first becoming translucent and then reducing down into a small wisp of grey-white smoke. Crichton watched dumbstruck. He'd seen many unbelievable things since arriving in the Uncharted Territories but he never lost the sense of amazement each time he came across a new one. And at least he knew he wasn't imagining things. There had been a wisp of smoke. Swearing under his breath, he turned his attention back to the control panels. Nothing happened at first but as he watched the image on screen flickered and died. A microt later he was plunged into almost total darkness as all the lights went out. Crichton realised he was holding his breath. The auxiliary system did not kick in but the panels in front of him flickered back to life. The image reappeared on the monitor but this time it was not a static picture. The panel was showing the leviathan's course and registering the meteors in its path. By the looks of it they were already over half way through the asteroid field but there were still a fair way to go before they were in the clear.

Crichton grabbed the joysticks and gave them an experimental nudge. The controls responded to his touch. He gave a deep sigh of relief and began to concentrate on avoiding the objects coming at him from all sides. He moved the controls cautiously at first seeing what they could do but soon the onslaught of asteroids left him manically pushing them in every and any direction. Even with good eye-hand co-ordination and quick reflexes he couldn't avoid all the obstacles being hurled at them. There were fewer direct hits but heavy rocks continued to batter the leviathan's outer hull, jolting Crichton away from the controls. Each time he was knocked to the floor he found it harder to get back up. He was in no condition for this task but there was no one else so he carried on, feet planted firmly on the floor and hands squeezing the controls, his knuckles white.

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They had reached the end of the asteroid field, a few more rocks to avoid and then it was once more in clear space. The leviathan slowed down and began drifting forward. She looked a sorry sight, her entire body was pitted with craters created by the impact of the meteors and large sections of the outer hull were torn into ribbons. A tail tip hung limply from its stem. She was leaking fuel and several fires had broken out. The top tier was now almost totally open to space. Elsewhere, live cables hung loose from their casings and sparked, threatening to cause more fires.

The leviathan felt numb and her mind was hazy about what had just happened. She remembered pain and then nothing. She thought she had heard the voice calling to her, soft and inviting. But she couldn't be sure. She had felt something else too, a force not her own acting within her. It had felt strange even if it had guided her to safety. The leviathan decided she needed to think about that. But sensation was returning and the leviathan was becoming increasingly aware of hurts and aches all over her body. She didn't know what to do. She felt lonely and abandoned. She wanted someone to make the pain go away. The panic began to rise once more.

And then she heard the voice. The voice was back! She immediately felt a little bit better. The voice told her everything would be alright, that the pain would ease. The leviathan gathered her remaining strength and set about doing what the voice said needed to be done. While she worked the voice continued talking in slow soothing tones. It explained that one day she would have a new friend and a new voice. The new voice would help her and make sure bad things like this didn't happen. She would like that very much.

Crichton stood in Command, his body drenched in sweat. His filthy t-shirt clung to his chest and he was breathing heavily. He released the controls and slumped against the bulkhead behind him. It had not been easy. The controls had gone dead several times and even when they were operational the leviathan had occasionally resisted his commands. But they had made it through in one piece. The overhead lights came back on and as he looked around him Kahaynu reappeared.

"Will she be okay?" Crichton asked.

The builder looked sad as he replied, "she has sustained considerable damage but she will heal. I'm not sure she'll ever be able to starburst though. The tail tip will not re-grow."

"She's alive though!" Crichton gently patted the bulkhead walls of Command. "I know a lovely leviathan and Pilot that would just love to look after you, young lady," he said with a grin. His eyes twinkled as he turned to Kahaynu. "You can locate the whereabouts of any leviathan?"

"Yes," the builder replied with only a slight hesitation.

Crichton nodded, clasped Kahaynu by the shoulder and said, "then here's the plan…"