Taipei is still a blur.
It's been a year. I've been to therapy. I blocked it all out. At first I thought I saw him everywhere. Then he was nowhere.
At one point I wondered if things at work were slow for him. I forgot that he didn't work there anymore.
Francie couldn't order pizza without me going into hysterics in the last year.
Once, she told me that she was thrilled that the 'Joey's pizza' calls had stopped. "Maybe they had gone out of business" she said. I cried. She told me it was alright. But it wasn't. I think I scared her sometimes.
She tried to comfort me, but I was too far gone.
I used to write him notes… where I'd apologize for everything. They'd all end up crumpled or scorched from my tears. One time Francie found one. She asked me who Vaughn was. I told her.
"He's a man who I once worked with." I said as I choked back tears. "He's a man I loved." I continued; after I explained that he died, She hugged me, and responded with an "oh, Syd!" She didn't know what he gave up for me. She couldn't understand how he risked his life by betraying the agency and following his heart. Francie couldn't fathom what he meant to me…no one could.
Francie had told Will about my depression. As if he hadn't already noticed. He knew. Everyone at the agency did. Will tried to console me. He didn't understand how I couldn't blame him, but could blame myself. But I didn't blame Will though. Will knew Vaughn died because of our mission to save him and thwart the efforts of "the man" though. Will told me that Vaughn didn't die in vain. "What is vanity has to do with it anyways?" I had retorted. "What's the point in living if you can't feel alive?" I had continued, but Will didn't have the answers I needed.
Vaughn must have died, I told myself because If he had lived…he would have contacted me. Someone would have told me. We would have found a clue. Instead he hadn't been in the body count from the blast and he hadn't been anywhere.
"The man"…turned out to be my mother. She offered me immunity from destroying her "circumference". She offered me a chance to double cross SD-6 and the CIA. But I refused. Vaughn would have hated me to destroy our progress. That's how my mind processed it- though he'd have wanted me to do anything to stay alive. All I wanted was to die along with him. Repent for my sins…
Pay for my crimes….
Get what I deserved-
She ordered me tortured. She was never going to win Mother of the Year.
I wanted to take back the Mug I made her as a mere child. "World's Greatest Mom" it had said. She thought I'd do anything to get away from the pain; she was wrong because I welcomed it.
After three days she couldn't stand it anymore. She sent me home…broken ribs…battered face…it was absolution to me. I wanted to thank her. That was the only thing that she gave me that I wanted.
I wish she'd killed me. I thought about suicide. It's not like I was going to heaven anyways.
I gave up after knowing I was too weak. The past anorexia and delusions were enough.
I look at the world differently now. What could I have achieved if Vaughn was still alive? Where would life have taken me?
Even after I learned he may have survived, I was in disbelief. My father received possible confirmation. I doubted it. False hope….who needed it?
A small part of me wondered though.
I had been away from SD-6 and the CIA for a year. I still remembered my training though. I planned to go back to Taipei where Vaughn had been last spotted. If I didn't find him, I'd repress that fact and live the rest of my miserable life pretending he was still there….waiting to be found….
A/n:: Sydney is going back. What will she find? Will she find him? Will things work out? Will her disturbed mind overcome her pleas for sanity….who even knows….oh wait…I do… R& R….I'll update …..Hopefully you'll look forward to it. Sorry If it was too angsty… bad moods lead to sad stories….I hope you enjoyed though.
We had
It's been a year. I've been to therapy. I blocked it all out. At first I thought I saw him everywhere. Then he was nowhere.
At one point I wondered if things at work were slow for him. I forgot that he didn't work there anymore.
Francie couldn't order pizza without me going into hysterics in the last year.
Once, she told me that she was thrilled that the 'Joey's pizza' calls had stopped. "Maybe they had gone out of business" she said. I cried. She told me it was alright. But it wasn't. I think I scared her sometimes.
She tried to comfort me, but I was too far gone.
I used to write him notes… where I'd apologize for everything. They'd all end up crumpled or scorched from my tears. One time Francie found one. She asked me who Vaughn was. I told her.
"He's a man who I once worked with." I said as I choked back tears. "He's a man I loved." I continued; after I explained that he died, She hugged me, and responded with an "oh, Syd!" She didn't know what he gave up for me. She couldn't understand how he risked his life by betraying the agency and following his heart. Francie couldn't fathom what he meant to me…no one could.
Francie had told Will about my depression. As if he hadn't already noticed. He knew. Everyone at the agency did. Will tried to console me. He didn't understand how I couldn't blame him, but could blame myself. But I didn't blame Will though. Will knew Vaughn died because of our mission to save him and thwart the efforts of "the man" though. Will told me that Vaughn didn't die in vain. "What is vanity has to do with it anyways?" I had retorted. "What's the point in living if you can't feel alive?" I had continued, but Will didn't have the answers I needed.
Vaughn must have died, I told myself because If he had lived…he would have contacted me. Someone would have told me. We would have found a clue. Instead he hadn't been in the body count from the blast and he hadn't been anywhere.
"The man"…turned out to be my mother. She offered me immunity from destroying her "circumference". She offered me a chance to double cross SD-6 and the CIA. But I refused. Vaughn would have hated me to destroy our progress. That's how my mind processed it- though he'd have wanted me to do anything to stay alive. All I wanted was to die along with him. Repent for my sins…
Pay for my crimes….
Get what I deserved-
She ordered me tortured. She was never going to win Mother of the Year.
I wanted to take back the Mug I made her as a mere child. "World's Greatest Mom" it had said. She thought I'd do anything to get away from the pain; she was wrong because I welcomed it.
After three days she couldn't stand it anymore. She sent me home…broken ribs…battered face…it was absolution to me. I wanted to thank her. That was the only thing that she gave me that I wanted.
I wish she'd killed me. I thought about suicide. It's not like I was going to heaven anyways.
I gave up after knowing I was too weak. The past anorexia and delusions were enough.
I look at the world differently now. What could I have achieved if Vaughn was still alive? Where would life have taken me?
Even after I learned he may have survived, I was in disbelief. My father received possible confirmation. I doubted it. False hope….who needed it?
A small part of me wondered though.
I had been away from SD-6 and the CIA for a year. I still remembered my training though. I planned to go back to Taipei where Vaughn had been last spotted. If I didn't find him, I'd repress that fact and live the rest of my miserable life pretending he was still there….waiting to be found….
A/n:: Sydney is going back. What will she find? Will she find him? Will things work out? Will her disturbed mind overcome her pleas for sanity….who even knows….oh wait…I do… R& R….I'll update …..Hopefully you'll look forward to it. Sorry If it was too angsty… bad moods lead to sad stories….I hope you enjoyed though.
We had