moving around the pain
By abstract_epiphany (abstract_epiphany@hotmail.com)
Rating: G Setting: Aeryn POV, sometime in the future Spoilers: could probably be considered spoilerish for season four Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure that they don't belong to me. I'm just borrowing and exercising them over the hiatus
Sincerest thanks go to Jule for the beta. And I hereby dedicate this random rambling to my best friend Rach, without whom I think I'd go stark raving mad. ;-) Oh, and any feedback is greatly appreciated!
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One of the most important lessons I may have learned is that life is never fair; that most people will spend their entire lives raging against the machinations of what some may see as fate or destiny. Living itself can be an exercise in futility.
Horrors time and again befall the blameless, the harmless - I've known far too many people who can testify to that. So often it is the tainted that precipitate the atrocities inflicted on those around them - whether accidentally or with calculated malice. Is anyone whom they've touched ruined? Certainly John.Velorek.even perhaps my own mother suffered because of me. And is that why my child lived less than a day? Is that why he was executed in cold blood for being 'impure'? The most pointless of murders. For what does anyone know of purity? Innocence robbed of a future is a cruel enough injustice to prove that. And now the man who deigned to be my child's judge is dead. But it doesn't make me feel any better. I can't believe I thought for a moment it would. My flesh and blood - my *baby* - still lays dead; still lays buried under the earth of some strange world. How do I live with that knowledge and yet keep breathing?
There was a time it was unfamiliar for me to feel grief, when no-one on board Moya was a stranger to tragedy, except me. When I had never been imprisoned; never been tortured, never been hurt so bad that monens later the memories still haunt my dreams and rip anguished screams from my throat in the stillness of the sleep cycle. I didn't know what pain was, barely knew love, and struggled with the concept of selflessness. In order to learn how to feel, I was forced to take the good with the bad, and slowly I learned to live outside the box. I became - as more than one person once said to me I could be - more. So much more. And it was others who suffered most for it.
But what are you supposed to do when you're left with nothing but that which destroys you? For I've come to believe that emotions are the most dangerous weapon we have at our disposable. Unleashed.or repressed.either way the simple action of feeling can devastate your own self and every other around you.
And sometimes I imagine that if I let myself think or feel even a little bit more, my heart will crumble and give way like a stale food cube.
I'm no longer sure whether it would be worse to feel nothing.
**********
Rating: G Setting: Aeryn POV, sometime in the future Spoilers: could probably be considered spoilerish for season four Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure that they don't belong to me. I'm just borrowing and exercising them over the hiatus
Sincerest thanks go to Jule for the beta. And I hereby dedicate this random rambling to my best friend Rach, without whom I think I'd go stark raving mad. ;-) Oh, and any feedback is greatly appreciated!
**********
One of the most important lessons I may have learned is that life is never fair; that most people will spend their entire lives raging against the machinations of what some may see as fate or destiny. Living itself can be an exercise in futility.
Horrors time and again befall the blameless, the harmless - I've known far too many people who can testify to that. So often it is the tainted that precipitate the atrocities inflicted on those around them - whether accidentally or with calculated malice. Is anyone whom they've touched ruined? Certainly John.Velorek.even perhaps my own mother suffered because of me. And is that why my child lived less than a day? Is that why he was executed in cold blood for being 'impure'? The most pointless of murders. For what does anyone know of purity? Innocence robbed of a future is a cruel enough injustice to prove that. And now the man who deigned to be my child's judge is dead. But it doesn't make me feel any better. I can't believe I thought for a moment it would. My flesh and blood - my *baby* - still lays dead; still lays buried under the earth of some strange world. How do I live with that knowledge and yet keep breathing?
There was a time it was unfamiliar for me to feel grief, when no-one on board Moya was a stranger to tragedy, except me. When I had never been imprisoned; never been tortured, never been hurt so bad that monens later the memories still haunt my dreams and rip anguished screams from my throat in the stillness of the sleep cycle. I didn't know what pain was, barely knew love, and struggled with the concept of selflessness. In order to learn how to feel, I was forced to take the good with the bad, and slowly I learned to live outside the box. I became - as more than one person once said to me I could be - more. So much more. And it was others who suffered most for it.
But what are you supposed to do when you're left with nothing but that which destroys you? For I've come to believe that emotions are the most dangerous weapon we have at our disposable. Unleashed.or repressed.either way the simple action of feeling can devastate your own self and every other around you.
And sometimes I imagine that if I let myself think or feel even a little bit more, my heart will crumble and give way like a stale food cube.
I'm no longer sure whether it would be worse to feel nothing.
**********