"And now, presenting the latest in our guest lecturer series, I'd like to introduce you to Professor Samuel Oak. Professor Oak received his Ph.D. in Pokémon Physiology from the University of Johto and is Professor Emeritus of the Department of Pokébiology here at Celadon U. He's a well-known figure in the world of Pokémon research and has a long and distinguished career as both an instructor and researcher. He is responsible for the discovery of several new species of Pokémon, which is the topic of his talk today. He currently resides in Pallet Town where he conducts research at his own private laboratory. Please help me welcome Professor Oak." As the audience of students and instructors in the packed auditorium began to clap, a nervous-looking Professor Oak stepped up to the podium. Several of the students giggled at the sight of the baggy-looking jeans underneath Professor Oak's lab coat.
Thank goodness I had an extra lab coat in the car, he thought as he quickly ducked behind the podium.
"Thank you, Professor Hawthorn," Professor Oak nodded to the man who had just introduced him. "Well, as my old friend said, I'm here today to tell you about some of the exciting new discoveries being made in the world of Pokémon. Matter of fact, just before I came here, I learned of the existence of a new Pokémon."
"Why don't you tell us all about it, Professor?" Professor Hawthorn asked. "I'm sure that my Advanced Pokébiology students would love to hear about your latest discovery. Especially since there's going to be a question on Professor Oak's talk on next Monday's final exam."
As several students in the audience groaned, Professor Oak proceeded to tell the crowd about Catnap. Since the 100-year old auditorium wasn't air-conditioned, it didn't more than a couple of minutes for him to start sweating profusely. The heat from the stage lights above the podium also added significantly to his discomfort, and ten minutes into his talk he began to feel a bit lightheaded from the heat. He wanted desperately to take off his lab coat, but if he did, then everyone would learn that Professor Samuel Oak was a "HOTT LUVR" – not really the image of the distinguished scientist he wanted to project to his audience. And he couldn't really move from behind the podium either; he already had seen the reaction his baggy pants had elicited. He was trapped. The best thing to do now was to hurry up and finish his talk as fast as he could and get back into his air-conditioned car.
"Well, that's all I know so far about Catnap. Are there any questions?" Professor Oak said as he wiped the sweat off his brow with the sleeve of his lab coat. His heart then sank as he saw Professor Elm's hand go up -- he knew his former student could ramble on for hours.
"Yes, Professor," Professor Elm said as he stood up. "I'm very interested in your hypothesis that Catnap is the pre-evolutionary state of Snorlax. As I'm sure you remember from the paper I did for your graduate-level Pokébiology class on my hypothesis that mammalian Pokémon undergo a different type of evolution than non-mammalian ones such as Pidgey and Goldeen…"
Ten minutes later, Professor Elm was still talking and still hadn't asked his question yet.
Shut up, shut up, shut up, Professor Oak silently pleaded as he felt his knees buckle and knew that in a moment he was going to pass out from the heat.
"Are you all right, Sam?" Professor Hawthorn asked with concern as he saw his friend slump against the podium.
"Whoa, I'm sorry, Professor Oak," Professor Elm said as he leapt up on stage. "I didn't realize that my theory on the evolution of Elekid to Electabuzz would shock you so much."
"I'm okay," Professor Oak murmured as he waved his two colleagues away. "It's just a little hot in here, that's all."
"You'd better take that lab coat off then," Professor Hawthorn said as he grabbed one sleeve and indicated for Professor Elm to do the same.
"No! Don't…!" Too late. The entire auditorium erupted in laughter at the sight of Professor Oak's shirt.
"Sam, are you sure you're feeling all right?" Professor Hawthorn asked at the sight of his distinguished colleague dressed as a hip-hop rapper.
"Uh, Halloween isn't for another five months," a wide-eyed Professor Elm said. "Although Nurse Joy might get some ideas if I had a shirt that said that on the front…"
"Come on, Sam," Professor Hawthorn said as he helped his friend to a nearby chair. "Professor Elm, why don't you fill in and tell everyone about your hypothesis about evolution in electric Pokémon while I take Professor Oak outside for some fresh air?"
Professor Elm, delighted beyond belief at the dean of the Pokébiology Department at Celadon University asking him to do a presentation, leapt up eagerly and continued to ramble on about Electabuzz and Raichu while Professor Hawthorn helped his friend outside into the adjacent hallway.
"You know, Sam," Professor Hawthorn said as he propped his friend up against the wall and handed his colleague a glass of water. "You don't have to explain about the clothes."
"What do you mean, John?" Professor Oak asked as he took a sip.
"I went through the same thing a few years ago. A mid-life crisis is normal in men our age." He looked around and whispered conspiratorially. "Just don't overdo it on the Viagra."
Professor Oak's eyes rolled back in his head, and he fainted dead away.
---
After tossing his new shirt in the garbage can outside the Celadon University auditorium (although he did decide to keep the pants – he decided that with a belt they would be perfect for hiding the slight paunch he had developed over the years), Professor Oak headed back to Pallet Town. After Tracey gave him an odd look (he didn't exactly expect his boss to be coming home from his lecture without a shirt), Professor Oak headed upstairs to put on some more normal clothes and was in the lab when there was a knock at the door.
"Catnap's here for his checkup," Delia announced.
Samuel turned around and nearly fell over at the sight of the Pokémon in a baby stroller.
"Don't lose your pacifier, sweetie," Delia said as she popped one into Catnap's open mouth. "I found some of Ash's baby things," she smiled at an incredulous Professor Oak. "But he was a bit big for Ash's old baby clothes." With some difficulty, she lifted her "baby" out of the stroller and put him on the examination table. "Okay, sweetie, don't be afraid," she reassured her Pokémon. "Professor Oak is a very nice man and won't hurt you. He just wants to make sure you're healthy."
Can this day get any crazier? Professor Oak thought as he searched for his medical instruments. "Okay, Catnap, why don't we get started? How about I take a look at your ears first?" At the sight of the otoscope, Catnap shuddered and started clinging to Delia. "But I didn't do anything yet," Samuel insisted as he watched Delia comfort the frightened Pokémon.
"It's okay, Catnap," Delia reassured her Pokémon as she cuddled him. "And it's okay too, Samuel. Ash was the same way when he was a baby. He was always scared of going to the doctor. I discovered that the best way to make Ash less scared was to let the doctor examine me at the same time. That way he knew exactly what was going to happen next."
At the mention of "let the doctor examine me at the same time", Samuel's eyes lit up.
Well, this day may turn out all right after all, he thought as he flicked on the otoscope. "Okay, Catnap. Why don't you watch me examine Delia…"
"Mommy," she corrected him.
Samuel gave her a disbelieving look. "Uh…Catnap, why don't you watch me examine your mommy and then I can examine you? Would that be all right?"
The Pokémon peered cautiously at Professor Oak from the shelter of Delia's arms and then nodded.
"Okay, honey, watch Mommy," Delia said as she hopped up on the examination table next to her Pokémon. "Okay, Samuel, go ahead and take a look at my ears."
"You have very nice ears, Delia," he smiled as he looked inside her ear. He was standing so close to her that he could smell her perfume and feel her hair tickling his cheek. Doctoring humans was definitely more fun than doctoring Pokémon.
"Now it's your turn, Catnap," she said as she turned to her Pokémon. "And don't worry. It actually kind of tickles."
"Your ears look fine too, Catnap," Professor Oak said as he examined the Pokémon's furry gray ears. "Shall I look at your eyes next?" Catnap nodded and let Professor Oak proceed with his examination.
"My turn," Delia said as soon as he was done with Catnap's eyes.
"Your eyes remind me of those of a Vulpix," Samuel smiled as he gazed into the depths of Delia's eye. "Soft, brown, sparkling. Very pretty."
Delia giggled. "I bet you tell that to all your Pokémon patients, don't you?"
"Just the pretty ones," he chuckled. "Now let's take a look at your throat. Open wide." Delia opened her mouth and stuck out her tongue. "Very nice, Delia. Everything looks fine. And you have the prettiest teeth I've ever seen...in a human or Pokémon."
"Well thanks, Samuel," she giggled. "Now it's Catnap's turn."
"Okay, Catnap, let's have a look at your…" There was a sharp crunch as Catnap opened its mouth and took a bite of the tongue depressor. Deciding that it wasn't very tasty, the Pokémon made a face and spit it out. "Well, he does have a very healthy appetite," Samuel remarked as he examined what was left of the tongue depressor.
"He sure does," Delia agreed. "Matter of fact, why don't you listen to his tummy and hear what's going on in there?"
"Okay," Professor Oak agreed as he took out his stethoscope and listened to Catnap's chest while Delia watched anxiously. "Well, Delia, everything sounds fine. Heart and lungs are normal. And now," he said with a mischievous grin, "want me to check you out?"
"Shall I take off my shirt?" Delia asked.
This really is a fantasy come true, Samuel thought excitedly as Delia unbuttoned her sweater and took it off. But then he remembered that Tracey was still around.
"Uh, I think your sweater will be fine," he said as he placed the stethoscope on her chest.
Oh geez, now he's playing doctor with Mrs. Ketchum. Tracey rolled his eyes as he came into the lab, saw what his boss and Mrs. Ketchum were up to, then quickly turned around and left.
"How does everything sound in there?" Delia asked.
"Everything's great. Fantastic," he said as he stared at her breasts. "And your heart sounds fine, too."
He reluctantly removed his stethoscope from her chest. "Now Catnap, why don't you let me feel your tummy to make sure everything's okay in there?"
Catnap, who by now had decided from observing his mommy's reaction that Professor Oak was someone who made people feel good, let Professor Oak examine his belly.
"Everything feels normal, Catnap. And now it's your turn, Delia," Professor Oak said eagerly.
"Guess I'd better pull up my shirt a little so you can feel everything," Delia said as she laid down on the examination table and lifted her shirt to reveal her midsection. "Ooh! That tickles! Samuel, you have the best hands!" Delia giggled as he examined her abdomen.
In the other room, Tracey shuddered. From the sound of things he wasn't sure he wanted to hear more of what was going on between his boss and Mrs. Ketchum.
"If I didn't know better, Samuel, I'd say you were having more fun examining me than Catnap," Delia said with a teasing smile as she pulled her shirt down and sat up.
Professor Oak's face turned bright red – Delia's observation had been right on the mark. "Uh…it's just that it's so interesting comparing the anatomy and physiology of humans and Pokémon," he stammered in an effort maintain some semblance of a professional demeanor. "I don't really get to do many comparative studies in my research."
"Well, you do have Tracey," Delia said. "Maybe you could use him for your studies."
Tracey, overhearing this remark, fled down the hall.
Professor Oak turned to the Pokémon that was watching him curiously. "Well, Catnap, all that's left now is for me to get a blood sample and then we're through for today."
Delia's smile faded. "Oh. That means needles, doesn't it?"
"Oh, don't worry, Delia. I won't use any needles on you," he reassured her as he located a syringe.
"Yes, but I don't think Catnap will like it very much," she said as she pulled her Pokémon close to her. "Ash always cried whenever the doctor gave him a shot or had to take some blood."
At the sight of the syringe that Professor Oak was now holding, Catnap gasped and huddled against Delia.
"You know, Delia, I think Catnap's picking up on your nervousness," Professor Oak said as he tried to coax the frightened Pokémon away from its mommy. "Wait, I have an idea. Tracey!"
Tracey cautiously peered around the doorway and was rather surprised to see that his boss and Mrs. Ketchum still had their clothes on.
"Oh, there you are, Tracey. Why don't you come over here and hold Catnap while I draw a blood sample? Catnap may be less frightened if you hold him."
"Okay, Catnap," Delia said as she patted the Pokémon's head. "Mommy's right here. Be brave. It'll only hurt for a moment."
"Okay, Tracey, hold out Catnap's arm," Professor Oak said as Tracey moved to the other side of the examination table to gently restrain the Pokémon. Unfortunately, Catnap, who by now was feeling quite hungry, spotted Tracey's thumb and thought it looked rather tasty.
"Gahhhhh!" Tracey yelped as Catnap crunched down on his thumb. "Ow! Ow! Ow!" Tracey grabbed his injured thumb and started hopping around the room in pain.
Professor Oak, now finished with taking Catnap's blood sample (Tracey's yelling had proven to be an adequate distraction for the Pokémon), went over to his injured assistant and examined the bite marks on Tracey's thumb. "They're pretty deep, Tracey, but I don't think you'll need any stitches. Go wash that off and you know where the bandages are."
Cursing under his breath, Tracey went into the next room to clean up his wound.
"Well, that's all for now Delia, although I would like to do some more tests on Catnap some other time," Professor Oak said as Delia picked up her Pokémon and buckled it into the baby stroller.
"Right now, I've got to get him home to eat," Delia said as she popped the pacifier into Catnap's open mouth. "You saw how hungry he is."
As Delia and Catnap left, Tracey, thumb now swathed in bandages, came back into the examination room. "Professor, how much longer until dinner?"
"Not for another hour, Tracey," he said as he handed Tracey a spray bottle of disinfectant. "I'm going to analyze Catnap's blood sample first."
"Well, for some reason, I'm starving," Tracey said as he began cleaning the examination table. "I feel like I could eat everything in the refrigerator."
"Do that and you won't have any room for supper," Professor Oak said as he peered through his microscope. "You do remember that we're going over to Delia's house for dinner tonight, right?"
"Yeah, but I'm not sure I can wait until then," Tracey said as he finished cleaning the table and headed down the hallway to the kitchen.
Forty-five minutes later, Professor Oak went in search of Tracey and found him in the kitchen, surrounded by plates and boxes of food.
"Tracey, what on earth…?"
"I can't help it, Professor," Tracey said between bites as he polished off a carton of chocolate ice cream topped with an entire bag of chocolate-chip cookies. "For some reason I can't seem to stop eating. It's like I'm suddenly hungry all the time. Cookie?"
"Uh, no," Professor Oak said with an astonished look in Tracey's direction. "Just clean that up and let's get going to Delia's place."
"Oh good!" Tracey said enthusiastically as he stuffed an entire banana in his mouth. "Dinnertime!"
---
"Slow down, Tracey," Delia said as her young guest stuffed the entire contents of the breadbasket in his mouth. "You'll get sick if you eat too fast."
"Can't help it, Mrs. Ketchum," Tracey mumbled with his mouth full. "I'm so hungry and all this food looks so good!" He took a huge drink of his milk and then got started on the green beans that Mimie had just placed on the table.
"Tracey, I don't want to have to perform the Heimlich maneuver on you," Professor Oak said as the boy shoveled a large spoonful of green beans into his mouth.
"Well, it's good to see a growing boy enjoy his food so much, isn't it, Catnap?" Delia said as she fed her Pokémon (who was wearing a bib and sitting in Ash's old high chair) a bite of baby food. "Open wide, sweetie. Here comes the choo-choo!"
"Delia, Catnap is capable of feeding himself," Professor Oak told her. "And he doesn't need to eat baby food. He can eat the same food you and I eat. Why don't you feed him some of these green…?" He then saw that Tracey had eaten the entire bowl of green beans and had now started on the sweet potatoes.
"But Catnap wuvs his baby food, doesn't he?" Delia smiled as her Pokémon nodded happily in agreement. "And you wuv your moo-moo, don't you?" Delia said as she handed Catnap a sippy cup while Mimie watched the whole scene jealously.
Professor Oak watched in disbelief as Catnap proceeded to drink from the toddler cup. "Um, Delia…I know that you enjoy taking care of Catnap, but he's…"
Catnap, now finished with his milk, began to look uncomfortable. Delia immediately jumped up and took him out of his high chair. "Do you need to go potty, Catnap?"
Professor Oak's mouth dropped open. "Go potty?"
Tracey, who had his head buried in the bowl of mashed potatoes, looked up. "No, I don't need to go yet, Professor."
Professor Oak got up from the table and followed Delia into the bathroom.
"Okay, Catnap, now stay there until you go poo-poo," Delia said as she put her Pokémon on the toilet seat.
"Delia, Pokémon don't use the potty!" said a disbelieving Professor Oak.
"Why not? Mimie does," Delia said as she handed Catnap a picture book to read.
"Yes, but human-type Pokemon like Mr. Mime and Jynx are more inclined to mimic human behaviors," Professor Oak explained as he watched Delia help Catnap turn the pages of the alphabet book. "Catnap is a cat-type Pokémon."
"Some people let their cats use the toilet, don't they?" Delia replied as she pointed to one of the pictures in the book. "See, sweetie? 'F' is for 'Flareon'."
"Yes, but…"
"…and 'G' is for 'Goldeen'."
"Delia…"
"…'H' is for 'Horsea', and 'I' is for…Oh! Good boy! You went in the potty! Now you won't have to wear those diapers anymore!"
"Diapers?!"
"Yes, it's so hard finding diapers in Catnap's size," Delia smiled as she helped her Pokémon off of the toilet. "But now you can use the potty, just like a big boy! Isn't that wonderful, Samuel?"
Now Professor Oak didn't want to hurt Delia's feelings, but someone had to tell her that Catnap wasn't a toddler. "Um, Delia, what are you going to do when Catnap gets bigger?"
"What do you mean, Samuel? Oh, be sure to wash your hands, Catnap." She held her Pokémon's paws under the running water and handed it a bar of soap. "Got to get rid of all those nasty germies!"
"Delia, if Catnap tries to use the toilet when he gets to be a Snorlax, don't you think he might…well, be too heavy for it?"
"Oh, that's true," Delia said as she dried off Catnap's paws and the three headed back down the hall to the kitchen. "He might break the toilet, won't he? I never thought about that."
"Perhaps you should…" Professor Oak stopped in mid-sentence, and he and Delia gasped in astonishment. When they were in the bathroom, Tracey had eaten every bit of food on the table and was now licking the platter that had held the roast beef clean.
"Sorry," he apologized. "Guess I was a little hungry."
---
"Boy, I don't think I've ever seen Togepi eat so much," Misty said as she watched her little Pokémon down an entire apple and then proceed to eat a banana.
"Guess playing in the fresh air is good for Togepi's appetite," Brock said as he ate a French fry.
"Mine, too," Ash said, taking a bite of his second cheeseburger. "I wonder how that baby Snorlax is doing at Professor Oak's place?"
"Hope it wasn't too traumatized by Professor Oak's clothes," Misty giggled.
"Like I said, I'm glad Mom's buying him clothes now and not me," Ash replied.
"You forgot about your underwear, Ash," Brock teased. "I didn't know you liked Poké balls so much."
"Shut up, Brock, Ash snarled as he hurled a French fry in his friend's direction. Togepi leapt up and caught it in its mouth.
"You are hungry today, aren't you?" Misty said as she gave Togepi one of her own fries. Togepi ate it, then proceeded to devour every one on her plate.
"Maybe Togepi's eating so much because its getting ready to evolve," Brock theorized.
"Oh, that would be wonderful!" Misty exclaimed. "My very own Togetic!"
"Hey! Get off of my burger!" Ash cried as Togepi leapt up and started taking bites out of Ash's burger.
"Togepi, don't listen to him," Misty said as she handed Togepi her own hamburger. "You eat as much as you want so you can grow into a big, strong Togetic."
---
Later that evening, Professor Oak was examining the analysis of Catnap's blood sample.
"Bibs, high chairs, potty…." he mumbled to himself as he shook his head.
Tracey, who was in the middle of eating an entire box of crackers, came into the lab.
"Tracey, are you still eating?" Professor Oak said in amazement as he looked up from his work.
"Yeah, I'm still feeling a little hungry," Tracey replied. He then poured the rest of the crackers in his mouth and threw the empty box into the nearby garbage can. "Is that Catnap's blood sample?"
"Yes, it is, Tracey," Professor Oak replied as he handed him the readout.
"Anything interesting?" Tracey asked as he pulled a chocolate bar out of his pocket.
"Actually, there is. There are high levels of one compound called esurin."
"Esurin? Isn't that what makes a Snorlax eat so much?" Tracey asked while he shoved the candy bar into his mouth.
"Yes, which further supports the theory that Catnap is a pre-evolutionary form of…" A light bulb clicked on in Professor Oak's head. "Wait a second. Tracey, when did you start feeling hungry?"
"Right after Catnap nailed me on the thumb," he replied as he finished his chocolate bar.
"Oh no! And esurin is also found in the saliva of Snolaxes, which means that it's also likely in Catnap's saliva, too. Tracey, that's why you've been eating so much! When Catnap bit you, the esurin in his saliva got into your bloodstream!"
"So you're saying that I'm eating like a Snorlax because Catnap bit me?" Tracey said in amazement as he started downing a bag of jellybeans.
"That's exactly what I'm saying," Professor Oak said as he snatched the bag of candy away from his ravenous assistant. "The problem is that I don't know how long the effects of esurin last in humans. And there's no antidote as far as I know."
Tracey snatched back the bag of jellybeans and began eating handfuls of them. "So you're saying that I'm gonna keep eating until all the esurin gets out of my bloodstream?"
"Looks like it, Tracey," Professor Oak replied as Tracey dumped the whole bag of jellybeans in his mouth. "Although I'd like to make some observations and take some notes on your behavior. There might be a research paper in this."
"As long as you keep feeding me," Tracey replied, swallowing the huge lump of candy, "I'll do whatever you want."