Part 18: Grief

Spike looked down with red eyes at the small dog at his feet. It whimpered pathetically as it watched its owner down another glass of whiskey. With a weak thumping sound, its tail beat hopefully on the floor but stopped when its only response was the clink of a glass and a long guzzling sound. Midnight whined and sank to the floor at Spike's feet.

The vampire sighed at the pathetic display. "Do you miss her, mutt?" At being addressed, Midnight's head shot up and she looked up happily at her owner. Spike reached down drunkenly, ruffling the dog's ears. "Hate this house." He said thoughtfully. "Can't do anything in it with out thinking about her…we really shouldn't have christened every room. Can't even go in the bloody closet…" he smiled to himself at the memories made hazy by weeks of living off the bottle…the can…the flask.

Midnight cocked her head to the side as Spike mumbled drunkenly and poured himself another glass. Suddenly her ears perked up and she froze, her dark eyes fixed on the door. A few seconds later there was a soft knock and the puppy sprung into action, scrambling to the door and barking defensively.

The knocking grew louder and harder when Spike gave no response and Midnight's barking turned to low growls as she sat herself in front of the door, watching it purposefully.

"Spike! Spike!" Giles' voice called desperately.

"Spike, please open the door." Willow begged.

"Spike, you stupid bleach-head, if you don't open this door, I'm gonna break it down!" Buffy shouted. "Come on!"

The vampire remained in his chair, staring uncomprehendingly at the bottle in his hand, wondering why his glass was still empty when he was holding the bottle over it. He jumped when there was a loud crash and three figures traipsed inside the room.

"That was rather unnecessary." Giles said, looking at the splintered door.

Willow bent and picked up Midnight, smiling when the eager puppy licked her cheek. "Let's get you something to eat. God only knows when's the last time you had anything." She said, heading for the kitchen.

Buffy moved to stand in front of the inebriated vampire, studying him in disgust as Giles peered around the disheveled house with an equally disgusted expression.

"Personal. Hygiene. Look into it." The slayer said.

"You also might want to look into a maid…" Giles added.

"What in the bloody hell are you mouseketeers doing here?" Spike asked in his slurred speech.

Buffy turned to her watcher. "Mouseketeers?"

"Get out. I'm busy."

"You're something, all right." Buffy picked up his empty bottle, sniffed it, made a face, and put it down.

"Spike, we came because we're worried about you and your well being." Giles said.

"We are?"

The watcher sighed, removing his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose. "Buffy…perhaps you should help Willow with…whatever she's doing."

"OK, OK, geez, I can take a hint." The slayer slunk off in the direction of the kitchen and Giles looked around the cluttered living room for a place to sit.

He found a somewhat decent chair and wiped it off briskly with his handkerchief before taking a seat. The watcher looked evenly at the vampire before speaking. "It's been a month. I-I know…that's hardly enough time to pull ones' self together after such a tragedy but…God man, you haven't left the bloody house!" Spike stared at the watcher through narrowed eyes, uncaring of what he said or why he was there. "I-I'm sorry. But you have a job to do. You're to begin The Balance and-"

"Wait a minute. They specifically said that a couple- a slayer and a vampire- would do this whole Balance thing. Scales are a bit tipped just now, don't you think?"

"Not necessarily. You see, we've had time to truly study the prophecies and all the possible outcomes and the other night, Willow proposed an idea we'd not thought of before. Really, it's the most logical seeings as Bri has not…returned."

"Get to the point, watcher."

"Bri's not dead. She'll never die. She's immortal just as the prophecy stated she would be." Giles leaned forward, staring seriously at Spike. "She's alive in you. Inside you, guiding you forever. Wherever you go, she'll be there. Just knowing her, being with her for the short time you two had together, changed you."

Spike listened to the other man's words, feeling them like a knife in his gut. Their truth sobered him. Throughout the past weeks he'd held on to a glimmer of hope that one day she'd just walk back into the house, say "Hi honey, I'm home.", and they'd live happily ever after. Then as the weeks passed that glimmer of hope grew smaller and smaller until he'd admitted to himself that perhaps she wasn't coming back. Yet that glimmer was still there.

Now, it was gone and the reality of it hit him like a ton of bricks. He unsuccessfully tried to stifle the sob that surged up into his throat. But within seconds he crumbled into a sobbing mess. She was gone. She was really gone despite whatever Giles said. Yes, inside him, she was there. But that wasn't good enough, damn it! He wanted her there, with him, in the flesh! He wanted to be able to touch her, to hold her, to smell her, to hear her voice.

Giles watched sympathetically as the vampire crumbled before him. The watcher knew the pain of a love lost. Hesitantly, he reached out and patted Spike's shoulder before discreetly leaving the room to retrieve the two girls. Then the three of them slipped silently out the door, leaving the vampire alone with his grief.

*****

Spike walked through the house- something he hadn't done since before Bri died. After Angel'd dropped him off at home, he'd taken his entire stash of liquor and sat down in his chair in the living room and that's where he'd stayed. Even when they came to tell him when the funeral would be, he hadn't budged. Even when the night of the funeral came and went, he hadn't budged.

Now he wandered through the rooms, tears streaming down his face because everything reminded her of him. And he loved it and hated it at the same time.

He paused at the door to the pool, remembering with a pang their last hours together. This was too much. He had to get out of this house. Out of this town. An anguished scream ripped from his throat as he saw Bri's T-shirt laying by the pool where she'd tossed it that last day.

He rushed out to it, clutching it in his hands and bringing it to his face to inhale the scent. But he couldn't smell her. The shirt smelled of chlorine- not her. Spike screamed again, tearing through the house, up the stairs and to their bedroom.

The sheets of the bed were still rumpled, there was still an indent on the pillow where her head had lain. He leapt onto the bed, desperately trying to pick up her scent. And there it was- on her pillow, on the spot where her body had laid. He clutched frantically at the pillow, inhaling deep mouthfuls of air. Her scent was everywhere here. It surrounded him. He could taste it.

For minutes or hours or days he lay there sobbing with one question repeating over and over again in his mind. How was he ever going to make it through eternity without her?

*****

"Your grandma was asking about you the other day." Karen Morris said as she sipped on a tall glass of lemonade.

"Really? How's she doing?"

"Fine. Just fine. Happy. How else would she be here?" Karen asked with a laugh. "She wants you to come visit her. You really should. She has a beautiful set-up. It's in this little valley surrounded by mountains on all sides. It was her girl-hood home, you know. She lives in a cute little log cabin and there's a trickling stream that runs beside it. Oh, and she has squirrels and rabbits and foxes and deer, all just running free out there. It's quite lovely."

"Sounds like it." Her daughter responded unenthusiastically.

Karen glanced at her surroundings. They sat beneath a great willow tree, shaded from the bright sun by its curtain of leaves. Across a grassy yard was a sprawling two story house, looking of the Civil War era with it's great front porch complete with roof-supporting columns. "But…I must say that I love your place. We only spent a few years at this house…I never realized it was your favorite."

"It had the happiest memories. Kind of carefree days. I don't know if it was just the innocence of youth or if that really was a simpler time…but it's peaceful here."

"I understand that after we…left…your life took a rather unusual turn."

"You knew about that?"

"I'd check in on you from time to time. Just to see how you were doing." She was thoughtful for a moment. "You know…when you arrived, I didn't say this…but I want you to know that I'm very proud of you. What you did with your life…it was very noble. And how you left…I don't know all the details…but I know it was very brave. Very brave, indeed." Karen patted her daughter's hand. "I only wish that you'd had more of a chance at life. I was hoping for grandchildren."

"That's not possible."

"Well I know. I hardly think you can have children here. But-"

"No. Then. It wasn't possible then."

"Of course not. You were only sixteen, honey. Well, it was possible but that wouldn't have been the wisest choice. I only meant that I wish you'd lived a bit longer so you could've gotten married and had children."

"You don't understand. It wasn't possible for me to have children."

"What do you mean? Was there a problem? A medical problem?" Karen asked seriously. When she received no response, she pressed on. "Gabriela? Honey, tell me. What was it? Was it the slaying? Did you get hurt…or…"

"You said you checked in on me from time to time. Did you ever see me with anyone?"

"I saw you with people all the time."

"I mean…a man. Bleached hair? British?"

Karen grinned slyly. "Oh? Did you have a beau?"

Bri nodded. "The reason I couldn't have children…is…well, he couldn't have children. He was a vampire."

"Well do you really think you would've stayed with him, had you lived?"

"Yes!" Bri exclaimed, taken aback. "I loved him! We had this whole…destiny thing going on. Of course we would've stayed together! We were in love!"

"Calm down, sweetie. I didn't mean anything by it. I just didn't realize it was that serious." Karen sat thoughtfully for a moment. "Is that why you've been…dare I say, sad, since you got here?"

Bri slumped back against the trunk of the tree. She nodded slowly. "I know…I'm not supposed to be sad. No one is sad in heaven. But…momma, I cry myself to sleep at night. I'm never gonna see him again!" Despite herself, the slayer broke down into tears. "I just miss him so much!"

Karen pulled her daughter into her arms, rubbing her back comfortingly like she used to do when Bri was just a child. "Shh. Shh. It'll be alright, honey child. Shh."

"No! It won't be all right! Even if he dies, he won't come here. Vampires don't come here."

"I know, sweetie. But it will get better. Everything's always alright here. You won't be sad for long. Eventually it'll fade. You'll forget him."

"But I don't want to forget him! I want to be sad! He's part of me. I'm part of him. Without him I feel so lost. Without him…my heaven is hell."

Suddenly the sky went dark. The sun disappeared and the moon took its place in the sky, surrounded by bright glowing stars. The crickets began to chirp a nighttime song and a cool breeze blew through the leaves of the willow. And on the air was the faint smell of musky cologne, leather, and smoke.

"Gabriela…stop this. Stop this, you hear?" Karen watched helplessly as the large two-story house faded to be replaced by a small suburban neighborhood. The willow vanished and they were on the grass in the front yard of a tiny white house with black shudders and a wooden wrap around porch. "W-what did you do? What is this place?"

Bri stood on shaky legs and began to walk towards the front door. She walked up the front steps, hearing her mother scramble up behind her. With an unsteady hand she turned the knob on the front door, finding it unlocked. The door swung open slowly and Bri stepped into the house.

"Well…this is…cozy." Karen said as she looked around the small living room they were in. "Certainly not what you had before though…I mean…really honey, this is no fair trade off."

"This is home." Bri said softly. She walked into the kitchen, finding a half-drunken bottle of beer on the table beside an ashtray with a still smoking cigarette. "Spike?" Bri cried hopefully. The slayer dashed through the study, up the stairs, and into the bedroom. The large four poster bed was unmade. The sheets rumpled and there were two clear indentations in each of the pillows. "Spike?"

"He's not here, sugar." Her mother's voice came from behind her. "You can make the house and all the things inside it but you can't make him."

At that, Bri crumbled. She sank to her knees on the floor beside the bed, just letting the sobs wrack her body. She didn't even register when her mother kneeled beside her and took her into her arms. Finally, as the sobs subsided, Bri asked, "How did you check up on me?"

"What?" Karen asked, taken off guard at the question.

"How did you check up on me? When I was alive, how did you?"

"Why…the pool. Everyone has one. Didn't you know? You can see whatever you want...whoever you want."

"Where? Show me."

"Well I don't know where yours is. Mine was in my fishpond. Just find a body of water. It could be a sink or a-"

Bri didn't even wait for her mother to complete her sentence. She dashed back down the stairs and burst through the door to the pool. She scrambled to the ladder and knelt, leaning against the railing, peering into the crystal blue water.

The waters rippled and swirled until a picture appeared in the center of the pool. What she saw brought fresh tears to her eyes. Spike, sitting in a chair in the living room, surrounded by a mess of bottles and cans. His hair was disheveled and his clothes rumpled and unclean. There was a large bloodstain on his chest but it wasn't his blood. It was hers. She knew it was hers. She didn't know how she knew. She just did. Just like she knew that he hadn't left that chair since the night she died.

The waters rippled and another picture appeared. Spike was still in the chair but now Giles was there too. He was talking and suddenly the vampire's face twisted into a painful cry and tears began to pour down his face. And Bri knew, he'd given up hope that she'd ever come back. The slayer choked on a sob and clutched her chest, feeling his pain along with her own.

Once again the waters rippled and Bri watched as her lover curled up on the bed, his screams and sobs painfully audible to her. "Spike…Spike, baby…I'm here…I'm here…don't cry. Please, baby. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left. I'm so sorry, baby. I wanna be there! I want to!" Bri caught herself as she screamed futilely at the image in the water.

Several teardrops fell from her eyes onto the image and it dissolved, disappearing from sight. Bri inhaled emphatically and clenched her fists in determination. She jumped to her feet, looking skyward. "Hey! Up there or…wherever you jerks are! Get your asses down here! I wanna have a chat!" she screeched. "Is anybody hearing me here?"

"Of course I hear you. I am standing right here. You do not have to yell." Came a prude and perturbed voice from behind her. The slayer whirled around to face the being- a tall and slender woman with long, wispy white hair and blue, almost white, eyes. "So you want to have a 'chat', do you slayer?"

"Yea."

"Well, then let us chat. What is it that you require?"

"Are you…one of the powers?"

The woman chuckled. "Oh no, no, no. But I am as close to them as you are ever going to get. I am Mirana."

"Well, I want you to give them a message for me." Bri stated. "I want you to tell them that I want to go back."

"Go back?"

"Home. To earth or to the dimension I came from…whatever. I want to be alive again."

Mirana chuckled. "Why would you ever wish to return to that dreadful place?"

"None of your business. Now go tell the Powers."

"I already did, slayer. And they want to know why you wish to return."

"Oh." Bri shifted nervously on her feet. "Because…because I'm unhappy here."

"Unhappy? But you are in 'heaven' as you mortals call it."

"No! I'm not! Not without Spike! I want to be with him."

"Why? You will merely die again and end up back here."

"Make me immortal. Send me back as a vampire."

Mirana was silent a moment. "I am afraid that it does not work that way. As you should know, if you became a vampire, it would merely mean that a demon inhabited your body. Your Spike down there," she nodded toward the pool. "is not William. He is not the man who inhabited his body. Oh yes, he may have his memories and some similar attributes but he is a demon. Some demons are less evil than others. They are not all bad. They can be quite pleasant as I am sure you know." Mirana winked at the slayer. "But the truth is that William is here with his friends and family- not down there sharing his body with a demon. And if you became a vampire it would not be you. It would be a demon in your body and you would still be here."

Bri couldn't fight the tears that sprang to her eyes. "There has to be a way! Please! I'm begging you! I'm begging the Powers! Please!" she pleaded desperately.

Mirana looked down at her spitefully. "There is a way, slayer. Do not beg. It does not suit you. The Powers have been touched by your devotion to your lover. We will send you back as a vampire with a soul." She held up her hand to silence the slayer who jumped to life at the suggestion. "But you realize that you will be sharing your body with a demon. You will have to fight the bloodlust. You can not go out into the sun. You will have no reflection."

"I can deal with that!" The slayer frowned suddenly. "This…doesn't come with a happiness clause does it?"

Mirana shook her head. "No. But there is a price. If you ever die, you will not return here."

"You mean…I-I'll go to…hell?"

"No, no. Of course not. But you and your vampire will be separated from either place if either of you die. You will not go to heaven nor will you go to hell."

"But we'll be together?"

"Yes."

"OK then."

"Are you sure, slayer? Are you sure that you love this vampire enough to give up heaven for him?"

Bri didn't hesitate. "Yes. I do."

Mirana smiled. "Then it is done."

And all went black.

TBC….

***OK, if anyone's still reading, there's one more chapter to go and then perhaps a sequel. I dunno. Depends on time. School's starting Tuesday (collective groan from every student in America) so I'm hesitant to start a new story when I have so many unfinished. But I will definitely finish this within the next couple days. Hell, I might even finish this tonight and post it. But anyways, please R&R!!!!! I'm begging! I put a lot into this last chapter emotionally. (I was originally just going to let Bri die and let that be it. But I was crying so much writing the beginning of this chapter that I couldn't bring myself to do it. Then this idea came to me in a dream as many of my ideas do.) The next chapter is probably gonna be short…I dunno. We'll see how it turns out. But please R&R and check out my website devoted to Spike and quality original characters! www.geocities.com/saffire457 ***