He didn't want to move. He wasn't sure why, but he knew if he moved he'd wake up. And waking up was something he needed to avoid at all cost. Better the blessed dark void of sleep than the soul destroying dark void of wakefullness. But of course the more he tried to hold himself still, the harder his muscles fought against him. Eventually, he succumbed to that he dreaded most. His right leg straightened, shooting shards of pain throughout his body.

Moaning at the agony Giles opened his eyes. His eyes watering at the pain, he was unable to recognize his surroundings at first. Only after blinking the tears away did the familiar contours of his bedroom come into shape. Sensing a presence in the darkness behind him, he slowly turned his head.

Anya looked at him expectantly. "It's about time. You've been asleep for a long time, and it's so boring watching you. At least Xander makes noises when he's in the middle of one of his sex dreams. Of course, then I have to wake him up to.."

"Wha..?" Giles licked his lips to remove the gravel from his voice, "What are you doing here?"

"Xander asked me to stay." The two stared at each other until Anya finally realized that Giles was waiting for more information. "Oh. The others had to go to Initiative headquarters for a debriefing. I wasn't involved so I didn't have to go. Besides, you wouldn't get me anywhere near there. They might decide to lock me up."

Giles closed his eyes against the incessant drone of her voice. The pain in his head had now been joined by a dull throb, which increased as she continued on. Finally, unable to take any more, he interrupted her. "Anya, I appreciate you staying but I'm fine now. You can leave."

"But don't you want the bathroom first? Xander was worried you might need to go to the bathroom, so I was to stay and help you."

He had felt an extra pressure on his bladder, but at her words it amazingly disappeared. "No. Thank you, I'm fine."

"You won't try to do anything until the others come back?"

"They're returning?" He wondered if she could hear his bitterness. Once again they'd abandoned him. Had he really expected anything else?

"They said they would. But you know Buffy. Xander should be back though. He promised to pick me up."

"Yes. I know Buffy. Thank you Anya. I'll tell Xander you did a good job of looking after me."

"Yeah. Thank you Anya." They both turned at the new voice. Neither had heard Buffy arrive. That she wasn't happy was obvious, even to the normally obtuse Anya. "If you've finished upsetting Giles I'll take over for now."

Giles shifted as his own anger rose. "Don't take your temper out on.," he hissed as he pulled at some of his wounds. "Anya was only doing what you asked. There's no need to snap at her because you had to curtail your enjoyment to come back and play nursemaid."

Buffy's lips pinched together, whether in anger or pain he didn't know. And at the moment he didn't care. "Is that what you think of me?"

He closed his eyes, willing his suffering body to relax. "I don't know what to think any more Buffy."

As if finally remembering their audience, Buffy turned to Anya. "Thanks for waiting Anya. Xander'll be back in a few minutes." Buffy waited, but the other girl didn't move. "If you'd like to wait downstairs?" She waited until they were alone before turning back to Giles. "I wanted to wait until you were better, but I guess you won't believe that I was thinking at you." At his tight expression she knew she was right. "It's time we had a talk." Giles placed his arms either side of his body, tightening his muscles as he prepared to lift himself up. He hissed as sharp stabs of pain lanced through his body. As Buffy moved to help him, he growled at her, "I can do it!"

She shook her head, waving away his protests as she gripped his upper arms. "Yeah, looks like it. You're as weak as a baby Giles." Pulling him forward, she rested his weight against her as she piled the pillows behind him. When she was satisfied, she gently lowered him back. "Sorry to punch your manly pride there, but you couldn't lift a flea right now."

"Thank you for the reminder!" His sharp words showed that he still wasn't happy with her help. Turning his head away from her, he breathed deeply as the pain receded and the film of moisture in his eyes disappeared.

Buffy huffed. "Well, who's going to be a grumblebum of a patient then? Maybe I should get Mom over to take care of you." She crossed her arms. "Well? Who's going to start?"

Giles swallowed. "I'm sorry. It was irrational and foolish of me to spend time with Ethan and allow myself to be in such a state that he could cast a spell against me." His words were mechanical, no emotion showing.

"And..?"

He turned to look at her in confusion. "I-I apologised.."

"Giles! Ethan said that y-you were taking drugs." She lifted her hand as he opened his mouth. "Don't tell me you didn't know. You took a tote for God's sake!"

A look of pure confusion crossed his face. "A what?"

"A tote. You know, funny cigarette? Joint?"

His expression cleared. "Toke. A tote is a bag of sorts."

"Oh." She frowned when she realized when he wasn't amused at her faux pass as he usually was. "But you were, right?"

He sighed. "It was just some grass Buffy. At least, I thought it was," at her disappointed face he added, "but I was wrong. It won't happen again. I'm sorry."

"Okay." She opened her mouth to continue.

"So if we're done, I'd like to get some sleep if that's alright?"

It took just a moment to realize that he truly expected her to just leave. She bowed her head, upset that he seemed to think that was the end of it. "Why?"

He sighed, obviously wishing the conversation at an end. "Why did I do it?" At her nod, he shrugged. "Loneliness, boredom. Although in my own defense, I was already quite under the weather before Ethan came along."

"That's not an excuse Giles! I mean, why were you drinking at Willy's anyway! You know what sort of clients he caters to! If they found out you were my Watcher.."

"Ex. Watcher."

"Do you think they would have cared?"

"No! But I was more concerned that you obviously didn't either!" He winced as he finished shouting at her. He'd have to remember that raising one's voice pulled at more than the throat muscles.

Buffy stared at him in shock, tears gathering in her eyes. "How can you say that?"

He answered her whispered query quietly. "How can I think anything else? You've made it obvious there's no room in your life for me. You prefer Maggie Walsh and the Initiative over my aide. My God Buffy, you were there when I woke up."

"Actually we were on our way back." The disappointment on his face broke her heart. "It was a compromise. They wanted to drag you along to probe and prod and do tests with. If we agreed to debrief straight away, they promised to let you heal before questioning you."

He nodded slowly. "Then I thank you. I'll endeavour to ensure I'm well enough for their interrogation, sorry questioning, when the time is ready. As for the rest, put it down to a tired, sore old man who's feeling in the mood for some self pity."

The two sat silently for a few minutes. Buffy picked at the bedspread covering Giles' lower body, battling hard to hold back the tears that threatened to break. "I had a dream. About you." She looked up at him. " I dreamt I was in the cave chasing something, and I fired and," a sob broke free, "and I killed you."

He sat still, no expression on his face as he looked at her. "You had a prophetic dream? And that's why you excluded me from this search for the demon." As she nodded, she expected something, an apology, or a smile of relief, but nothing. And then he continued. "Last year you would have come to me about this. Now, you don't even trust me enough to tell me about something so important."

"No! I wanted to keep some distance, so I wouldn't."

"There's been distance between us for some time." The annoyance in his voice was obvious. "Both physical and emotional. I hardly see you. You don't bother training with me. The only time we talk is if there's some monster to destroy. And then you only come for what I know. You've made it obvious you don't want me in on the hunt. You didn't even see fit to tell me about Riley and the Initiative. I had to hear that from Xander and Willow. The dream, and what happened this week, is just an example of what's gone wrong between us."

"You mean what I've done wrong between us."

"Yes." The word was uncompromising.

"So you decided to go and get yourself drunk at a place where a demon could easily take you down. What? You wanted to see if I'd care enough to cry at your funeral?"

"Perhaps. There doesn't seem much to live for does there?" Her gasp of pain told him how much he'd hurt her. Funny, but he really didn't care. Not any more. He sighed, suddenly very tired. "Go away Buffy. Go play with your boyfriend and his soldier friends. Go ask Maggie Walsh how to kill the next baddie. I'm just too tired to care any more."

"I-I don't want to ask Maggie Walsh. Or play with the Initiative. I want us to be back the way before. You, me, and the others. The Scoobies. Keeping all the bad away so Sunnydale can stay blissfully ignorant. I want us to be a team again. How can I make it up to you?"

"I don't know." He closed his eyes, the pain draining his energy reserves. "I just don't know any more. After you hid Angel when he first returned I didn't think there was anything you could do to make me stop lo - caring about you. Now, I'm just not sure."

She broke down, her body wracking with the force of her sobbing. Unable to stop herself, she pressed her body against his, turning to her one constant for comfort. "I can't do it without you. I need you. Don't leave me. Please don't leave me. I'm sorry. Don't leave me."

He lay still, the memory of her many betrayals stopping him from embracing her with the hope that fought to escape. They'd resolved nothing, and he knew she'd break his heart again. How could he put himself through that? She asked too much. Swallowing, he lifted his hand, slowly stroking the blonde head against his shoulder. "As usual you ask so much. Too much."

"No," wiping her eyes she lifted her head up to him, "asking too much would

be asking that you weren't part of my life. Last year there was so much

pain. We did so much to each other. I thought maybe you needed some space,

so we couldn't hurt each other so much."

"Oh Buffy," unable to stop himself, he rubbed his cheek against her

forehead, "don't you know the most painful thing you can do to me is abandon

me? I have felt so useless this year, so unneeded. Not just by you. The

whole world seemed to move away from me. But you were the one that really

mattered."

Her eyes opened wide as she finally realised what she'd done to him. "I've

been so stupid. I don't know how you can, but I need you to forgive me. Just

tell me what to do. Please?"

He shook his head. "I don't know. I just don't know where we can go from

here."

She nodded slowly. "Just - just let us go there together?" Her lips quirked

slightly. "After all, you'll never know how I make it up to you if you

aren't there will you?" He hesitated, before tilting his head in agreement.

Buffy lay her head back against his shoulder. It wouldn't be easy, for

either of them. But she knew as long as he was beside her, she'd have a

fighting chance. Wasn't that always what he gave her?