Disclaimer: Joss owns the world.

Timeline: Season 4, post 'Something Blue.' From that point on I am changing history!

Rating: R (for now)

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"Why does he have to come with me?" asked Buffy, looking cross.

"Because I am tired of having him constantly under my feet, eating like a pig and watching appalling television. It's like having a teenage son. One who spilt blood on my couch!"

"So you're sending him out to annoy me instead? No fair!"

"Perhaps if he gets some exercise he'll be less – tiresome."

"Couldn't I put a lead on him and take him for a walk?"

"Hey!" came a roar, from the direction of Spike's chair. "I am here you know. And no one asked me if I wanted to go!"

"That is because nobody cares," explained Giles, simply. "If you want to stay here you can bloody well earn your keep!"

Spike scowled. "Okay, I'll tag along and piss off Goldilocks for a while. You can drag a vamp to the cemetery but you can't make him slay!"

Buffy stamped her foot. "Giles!"

"Let's get this clear," said Xander, moving closer to Spike. "You are going to help." A stake materialised from nowhere. "Do you see my – point?"

"I'm not going if he is!" declared Spike in disgust.

Giles sighed. "Some days I wish I'd skipped the pretence and just got a job in a kindergarten," he said to no one in particular.

"I know how to make him help," offered Willow.

"No bloody spells!" growled Spike. He and Buffy caught each other's eyes, before turning hastily away.

"No, much easier. House privileges! If he's good and helps he can watch TV and roam wild and free. If not, then it's back in the bathtub for you, mister!"

"She's really evil!" said Spike, half-impressed.

"Oh alright!" grumbled Buffy. "But if he gets in my way, he gets dusted. If he argues with me, he gets dusted. If he talks at all, he gets dusted."

"And if I take to my heels and run a mile from you wankers as soon as I'm out that door?" he demanded.

"Many tears will be shed," said Giles, with a distinct lack of sincerity.

"We'll sweep up your dusty remains when the commandos get you," said Xander, still waving the stake in front of Spike's face. "Wait, no we won't!"

"You're not bringing them back here!" said Giles, emphatic.

"Stop talking about my death! Fine, I'll go. Get out of this museum! I'll go kill stuff. And I'm going to be looking for blonde haired demons," he pointed at Buffy, "or ones with stupid British accents," he pointed at Giles. "And if I find any I'm going to beat'em to a bloody pulp before I dance on their graves!"

"A dream I've always shared," said Xander, looking at Spike significantly.

"This should be a whole new level of fun," sighed Buffy. "If I got paid, I should get paid more for this."

"I know exactly what you mean," said Giles with feeling

"I can't believe you're making me do this!" she said, shaking her head at him. "If I have to take him then I'm bringing the gang. I can't spend a whole evening with….him!"

"Scared, pet?" Spike sneered.

She laughed. "Oh yeah! You used to be slightly more scary than Giles in research mode. Now you rate below….Xander!"

"Hey!" said Spike, Giles and Xander in offended unison

*******

"Why does it take four of us to do your job, Slayer? Whatever happened to 'One girl to kill the vampires?' You must be the first to need half an army for backup!"

"I don't need them!" retorted Buffy. "Oh guys, sorry, I didn't mean…I like having you around." She glared at Spike.

"You sure 'bout that? And now the watcher seems to think you need me too."

"I don't need you. He needs a break from you. And shut up."

"Oooh, you're scarin' me, love!"

In the midst of the bickering, they failed to notice a vampire approach and jump Willow. They turned as she screamed. Before Buffy could move, Spike had dragged it to the ground and staked it.

"This is too easy for me, I need a real fight," he said, aggravatingly. "But I can see why you could do with the help."

"I do not need help!" stated Buffy, enunciating clearly. "You're just distracting me."

"A bad workman blames his tools," said Spike, rather mystifyingly. The others gave him odd looks.

"Okay then, Tool-of-the-Slayer," said Xander, "Why don't you patrol and we'll go home?"

"Because it's my responsibility to make sure the world doesn't end?" Buffy reminded them.

"I could do your job with one hand tied behind my back!" scoffed Spike.

"How about both hands tied behind that tree?" challenged Buffy.

"Oh, you'd love that wouldn't you?" he said suggestively.

"Can I kill him, Buff?" asked Xander hopefully pulling out a stake. Spike backed away warily. The two circled Buffy for some moments, as she watched with growing irritation.

"Enough!" she finally yelled. "Xander, stop. If anyone gets to kill him it's going to be me. And I'm too busy to deal with this!"

Xander looked hurt. "Fine. We get the picture. Don't want to get in the way of the Chosen One and the Big Bland!" He stalked off, with Willow following reluctantly.

"Looks like your friends didn't want to stick around," said Spike, unhelpfully. "Just as well you've got me pet."

"Any chance you want to go somewhere that's not here? I could collect you when I'm finished?" she asked in warning tones.

"I want to fight too, you know," he replied stubbornly. "Been cooped up for days. Anyway, what's the matter? You afraid of a little competition?"

"Hello? Slayer! God, could you be any more arrogant?"

"How about a little – wager – then?" he spoke slowly, a gleam in his eye.

"What?" she asked suspiciously.

"I bet I can kill more demons than you."

She looked at him disbelievingly.

"Don't think I can? Then you won't mind if I set the stakes…..no pun!"

"What do you want if you can slay more vamps than the vampire slayer?" she asked, smiling sarcastically.

"I want you to – ah – service me." She looked at him blankly. He sighed and nodded in the direction of his nether regions. She punched him in the face.

"Because you know you'll lose," he nodded with mock sympathy while rubbing his jaw.

"I will not….fine. What do I get when I win?" She looked thoughtful. "I could kill you, but hey, I can do that anyway. It should be more fun than that." She smiled suddenly. "You're going to be our slave."

"You already have me shackled in the bathtub, what more do you want?"

"You're going to be grateful for the hospitality. You will clean and cook - and not poison anyone! You'll wear an apron. You will be polite to Giles. And me! Get the picture? And you'll clean your stupid blood out of the couch!"

"Nothing gets blood out!" he complained. "Okay, deal. I'm one up already, you know. I did save your friend while you were too busy prattling."

"Fair enough. You'll need it. This ends at midnight. We have to slay within seeing distance of the other person. Any demon counts. Big ones do not count as two!"

"And you can't kill me when you're losing!"

"I suppose so." She checked her watch and found herself hitting the ground. Spike, who had thrown her aside, was valiantly ignoring the pain in his head and laying into a young and naïve looking vampire. Vampire turned to dust. Spike turned to Buffy, looking smug.

"That would be two to me. Buffy's giving me a blowjob!" he sang.

She punched him.

"Hey! Cheat!"

"Me? You knocked me to the ground to get that vampire!" she retorted, still angry.

"Saved your life, you mean?" he asked, wondering how much he could rile her before he got killed.

She took off before he could continue. He ran after her, seeing her destination of a group of three vampires. By the time he had reached her, there were no vampires.

"You're going to look cute in an apron," she said. "And Giles will be so impressed!"

"It's not over yet, bitch," he growled. "There should be a nest over behind the mausoleum, see who's winning after that!"

"And you were planning to tell me about this when?"

"Just ten seconds ago there. And I thought it was very sporting of me. I just don't want you complaining when you lose. You can moan if you want," he said, a glint in his eye.

She had already begun to sprint in the direction he had indicated. This time he caught her easily. Maybe she wants to lose, he thought. As he reached level with her, she turned and kicked his legs from under him, sending him spinning to the ground.

No, doesn't want to lose, he thought dimly through the pain. He cursed her furiously as she vanished from sight.

She rounded the corner sharply and began to wish she hadn't. What seemed like a dozen vampires stared at her in surprise. Sometimes stealthy is good, she reminded herself with a sigh. Two attacked her at once, one getting kicked ten feet in the air, the other finding himself on the pointy end of a stake.

Four, she calculated mentally. She found herself surrounded by a circle of five tough and burly, rather pissed-off vampires. Two more ran at her and she knocked their heads together. That won't make them any deader, she berated herself, aware of a flurry of blonde activity not far off.

And an irritating English accent yelling "That's four for me, bitch!" She tried to ignore him and concentrate on the job in hand. Something heavy hit her back, almost knocking her over. She reacted instinctively, turning with stake in hand. She met a cloud of dust.

"You threw a vampire at me? You moron!" she yelled at Spike, who was shaking the pain from his head. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Handing you a victory it seems," he muttered, the pain abating. Stupid bloody government. How could they have known he would ever want to throw vampires at people? He took his bad mood out on the next unfortunate vamp to cross his path, beating him viciously before killing him.

"Spike!" He turned at the shrill cry and saw Buffy pinned to the ground, vampire at her neck.

"You sure you don't want to get that one yourself, love? Might put the numbers in my favour?" She made a strangled noise, which he interpreted as a less than intimidating threat to his life.

"You persuaded me," he said, throwing himself forward and staking the vampire without a struggle. As it poofed, he landed on top of Buffy. Who didn't look happy.

"How dead did you want me to be before you helped?" she demanded, not pushing him off.

"I thought I was saving your honour. And I thought you could look after yourself?"

She punched at him but he caught her hand and held it. "How many did you slay?"

"How many did you?"

"Not over yet!" she shouted, hurling him off her and jumping to her feet.

They fought side by side for the next ten minutes, each keenly aware of the other's every move. Kinda fun, thought Buffy. Being in full slay mode with a partner…in slaying. She hadn't felt so hyped on patrol in ages. Maybe since Faith. Yeah, that ended well, added the voice of reason.

Adrenaline flowing, she staked the final vamp and turned around. Want more. Well, there was one. She smiled slowly and raised her stale. He looked at her cynically. She ran at him, lowering her stake at the last minute and lunging at him with her whole body.

He staggered backwards, wrapping his arms around her as he fell and pulling her with him. They kissed furiously. So the fight-thing is an aphrodisiac, thought Buffy. Cos there has to be some excuse for this. I'm kissing Spike.

"Spike! Stop it!" she gasped, pulling away.

"Why?" he asked with a leer.

"Cos….eeww! This is revolting. Me and you?"

"Yeah," he agreed, grabbing her by the waist and pulling her back. "Sick and twisted."

"And never gonna happen!" she insisted. She pushed him away and jumped to her feet.

He caught her before she had fully collected herself. With a hand on her shoulder he turned her around.

She glared at the confident smile and readied herself to knock it off his face. And instead kissed him. Mmmmm.

"You ready to admit I won?" he asked, finally breaking away.

She punched him in the face, then turned and fled.

"Better a willing kiss than an unwilling blowjob!" he called, loudly enough for her to hear and not respond to.

"Bloody idiot!" he berated himself, more quietly.

*******

"How did it work out? Did it go well?" asked Giles, looking up from books

"No!" said Buffy. "Oh yes!" said Spike simultaneously.

Giles looked at them more closely.

"Did you have a hard night?" he asked with concern, noting their tattered clothes and various marks and scratches.

"No – yes. Tired. Going home," said Buffy, not meeting her Watcher's eye.

He looked at Spike questioningly as she left.

"She'll be okay," he explained with a slight smile. "She'll come round. We just need a bit more practice."