Mwaaah. When I was close to finishing this, a hard drive crash wiped ALL of my hard work. So, I had to start this chapter again. So, if this chapter isn't as good as it could have been, THAT'S my excuse. I may do a revision of this chapter after the series itself is finished.... or make "Director's Agony Uncut". Either way, it's more much-delayed work for me, the lazy author, and not much work for you, the reader.
DISCLAIMER : I never have, and most likely never will, own Live-A-Live. I'm just borrowing the characters and such, trying my best not to get them stained by my grubby fingers. The director I own, sort of. The fanfic belongs to me, so if you steal it and claim it as your own (not that you'd want to), I will be very upset.
Sorry for the long wait. I wanted to finish "Spherical Robot", but part 3 of this has been MUCH too long in the works (and the disk problems in April certainly didn't help). That's me, resident spountaneous and random writer.
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DIRECTOR'S AGONY - "EVERYBODY WAS.... NOT QUITE KUNG-FU FIGHTING."
A Live-A-Live Alternate Universe fanfic, Part 3. (Or, "The Amazing Pointless Chapter!")
By - The utterly confusing Helen Donaldson (and all of her aliases).
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What remained of the day was interestingly quiet. No screaming from any of the cast members, no conflicts to speak of, and most importantly, no sign of Odie Olbright smashing crabs again. It seemed as though it would remain this way until the "big fight" tomorrow.
Seemed, because that wasn't the case once Rachel caught Kirk writing on one of the walls in the cafeteria.
"What ARE you doing, Kirk?" Rachel asked, putting her hands on her hips and glaring at him menacingly, despite the fact that Kirk had his back towards her.
"Isn't it obvious?" Kirk replied, still facing the wall.
Rachel rolled her eyes, and leant over Kirk's shoulder. Under a sign which read 'Project Live-A-Live Cafeteria', the gruff blond had wrote 'Intelligence Optional'. "That is so true that's not funny...." she mused.
"I'm not finished." Kirk growled. "I've still got to write the sorts of insults about other cast members that you see in women's bathrooms.".
Rachel blinked, shocked. "Kirk, please tell me you haven't been into a women's bathroom.".
"Don't be stupid, that's not my area!" Kirk shot back, unable to hold back a grin. "I have a female friend in this project that told me that.".
"Oh really?" Rachel asked mockingly. "And here I was, thinking that I was the only girl who could stand you!".
"Hardeharhar." The tone in which Kirk said this was extremely sarcastic.
"Seriously, though, who's this girl?" Rachel asked. "Maybe I could catch up with her and find out if you're lying to me.".
"I don't think you've met her, but she looks a lot like you." Kirk replied. "Only I don't think she has silicone implants.". Rachel resisted the urge to slap Kirk.
"And what's her name?" Rachel asked. "This girl has to have a name, unless she's an imaginary friend....".
"Her name is Annie." Kirk interrupted. "And she's working in the Western chapter.".
"Oh really?" the blonde girl enquired. "Well then. We'll just see if you're being truthful.". She walked out of the door and left.
Maybe I should have told Rachel that now wasn't a good time to visit her.... Kirk thought as he put his attention back towards his 'masterpiece'. Oh well. Her loss. Now then....
Kirk raised his marker and started to write down the next part of his 'masterpiece', when from the corner of his eye, he could see Huey rushing into the cafeteria carrying a piece of paper, thus gaining the attention of the cafeteria lady on duty. Looks like I won't be able to finish this now. he thought, putting the lid back on his marker and placing it in the back pocket of his pants.
"Here, take this. It's from the Modern Age set." Huey said quickly, handing the piece of paper to the cafeteria lady, before leaning on the wall to catch his breath.
"I thought one of the rules here was to not run in the cafeteria." Kirk asked mockingly, also leaning on the wall, except he was covering up his work.
"You're one to talk about breaking rules, Kirk." Huey shot back. "Writing on the walls.... should know better.".
Kirk frowned. An uncomfortable silence, sans the noises of food being made in the background being heard, followed. After a while, the blond got annoyed with the lack of noise, and promptly walked over to Huey and kicked him in the shins.
"OW!" Huey yelped in response, jumping away as far away from Kirk as possible. "Now what was THAT for?".
"I was bored." Kirk replied.
"Wow!" Huey cried, somewhat fascinated. "I always had my doubts, but now I'm absolutely positive. Kirk, you really ARE a bastard!".
"Am not." Kirk said, somewhat annoyed. "I just play one on Live-A-Live.".
Huey opened his mouth to make another comment in his vein, but quickly decided against it. "Maybe I won't argue with you." he sighed.
"Then I guess you really are a chicken." Kirk said, grinning maliciously.
"Am not!" Huey shot back in his whiny tone of voice. Quickly realising his mistake, he coughed and tried his hardest to retain his normal tone. "It's just that I would have better luck arguing with a brick wall.".
It was then that Rachel had returned to the cafeteria. She glanced at Kirk frustratedly. "You could have told me that they were filming." she stated bluntly.
"I was going to, but you went before I had the chance!" Kirk said, making himself sound as sincere as a notorious bastard could be.
"Well, she told me to give you this. Director didn't want me to, so I get the feeling it's something illegal...." Rachel said, showing a paper bag to Kirk.
Before anyone could blink, Kirk snatched the bag, took a glance inside it, and grinned. "God bless you, Annie." he said, his tone of voice almost monstrous.
"Alright, judging by that, it WAS illegal....". As she said this, Rachel was nervously backing away from Kirk.
In response to this, Kirk let out a laugh that scared the wits out of the several mice hiding in their holes in the cafeteria. "It's not what you're thinking, dear Rachel!" he bellowed, pulling out the contents of the bag - that is to say, a bottle of tequila.
The first response to that did not come from Rachel, nor did it come from Huey. Instead, it came from the Director of the Modern Age chapter, who decided to poke his head into this whole mess to find out what is taking the afternoon tea orders so long to make. "Hey, you with the bottle!" he yelled. "I don't remember your name, but....".
Once again, interruption. "The name is Kirk. What's it to you?" the blond growled, placing his currently most valued possession back into the paper bag.
"Was that what I thought it was?" the Director asked, preparing to go into a rant about why alcohol is not good for the well being of anyone smart enough to know how to read.
Of course, there was no way that Kirk would risk the loss of his precious tequila by telling the truth. "Of course not! It just happens to be creaming soda in a bottle shaped like a tequila bottle!" he lied, and quite blatantly at that.
While suspicion gnawed at the back of the Director's brain, he was unable to demand that Kirk prove that the tequila was in fact creaming soda. That would be because, as the Director was about to suggest it, two trays of lamingtons, a large thermos of coffee and a few packets of paper cups were placed on the Cafeteria bench.
"Out of curiosity, why is it that lamingtons are almost always associated with afternoon tea?" Huey asked, managing to steer the Director's attention elsewhere.
"In our case, it's because they're cheap at the local suppliers and we don't have the money to buy snacks of more variety." the Director replied, picking up one of the trays. "You gonna help?".
"Sure, why not...." Huey sighed, picking up the other tray. "Have nothing better to do.". At that, the two left the room on the way back to the beachy scene mentioned a fair while ago.
"When has he ever?" Kirk said, elbowing Rachel in the stomach, gaining some slight laughter from the large-busted blonde.
"I HEARD THAT!" the unmistakeable sound of Huey's voice whined from in the distance.
"But seriously, Kirk...." Rachel sighed. "Since I caught you writing on the walls when I first came in here, it's like the pot calling the kettle black.".
"At least writing on the walls is more productive than sitting on your arse and doing nothing." Kirk pointed out.
"Point taken.".
A long silence followed, before both blondes had come to a mutual, unspoken decision - to see what exactly was going on with the Modern Age chapter. The walk to that beachy scene was a fairly long one, and perhaps it was just as well, for the pair would not have missed anything otherwise. The six fighters of the chapter said at one table, eating and having discussions of their own best not repeated in this tale. Masaru leant by another table on a pair of crutches, while Huey was leaning on the table itself, and Kato was lying on the ground near the table, panting heavily and in some amount of pain, Cube by his side watching in concern. The Director and Odie were nowhere to be seen.
"Hey, you okay, Kato?" Rachel asked, kneeling down by his side. An agonised groan was the reply she had gained. "That bad, huh?".
"It gets worse." Masaru interjected, Cube beeping in agreement. "But it's not a tale anyone in their right mind would want to hear."
"Except for, quite possibly, a certain unnamed cast member of our chapter." Huey couldn't resist adding.
Kirk had a choice between either ignoring Huey, or punching him in the stomach for that comment. As much as he may have desired otherwise, he chose the former, and instead kneeled down beside the other side of Kato, pulling out his bottle of tequila. "Here, have some of this. It's good for what ails you." he said, undoing the cap and pouring a mouthful of the stuff into Kato's mouth.
The reaction was immediate. Kato forgot his pain, and sat up, spitting madly. "Eck, Kirk!" he yelled, also forgetting that he was supposed to be one of the more level-headed members of the cast. "What IS this stuff!? It tastes AWFUL!".
Kirk grinned. "Just tequila. Nothing special." he stated.
Both Huey and Masaru groaned, while Rachel smacked her forehead and Cube beeped in a sort of groaning fashion. "Pardon me for saying this, but...." Huey sighed, pausing for a moment to think of his answer, before continuing. "Kirk, you're the only one who can choke the crap down!". He then looked down at Kato. "I'll get you some water or something, okay?" he said, getting a nod from Kato, before running off.
"Just because you can't hold your liquor!" Kirk yelled back in response, replacing the cap and placing the tequila bottle back in his bag. It was then that Odie had chosen to return.
"Ugh, what do YOU want?" Masaru grumbled, glancing in Odie's direction.
"Just wanted to see what your replacement was like." Odie snarled back, before averting his attention to Kato, whom was still spitting in an attempt to get the aftertaste of the tequila out of his mouth. "Hmmm, he's kind of scrawny. But he'll have to do....".
Cube beeped in response, in a manner which could roughly be translated to 'Harm my creator and you'll resemble a rotting piece of swiss cheese!'. In response, Rachel patted Cube's head as best as she could with the hat in her way. "That'll do, Cube." she said.
It was at this point that Odie moved his attention from Kato to Rachel, and he had decided that he most definetly liked what he saw. "Hey, you're pretty." he said lecherously, moving towards Rachel. "How's about we go on a date, hm?".
If anything, Rachel found Odie more repulsive than a bucket of rotting fish. "Over my dead body." she growled.
"Um, Rachel?" Kirk suddenly stated.
"Now what?" Rachel replied.
Kirk pulled out a small book marked 'Live-A-Live Script : Mechanical Heart', and flipped to a specific page. "Perhaps it's best you read this before you use that term again." he said, handing the book to the blonde.
Rachel read what was requested, and frowned. "Maybe I should rephrase that." she said.
It was at this point that Huey had returned, a paper cup filled with water in his right hand. "Here, it's not mouthwash or anything like that, but for now, it'll have to do." he said, handing the cup to Kato.
"Thanks." Kato said weakly, sipping at the water half-heartedly.
Odie decided at this point to can the lecherous act, and refocused his attention to Kato. "Heh." he snorted. "I'll be seeing you tomorrow. I hope, for your sake, you won't mind a broken bone or two.". With that, he walked off.
There was silence until Odie was well out of sight. When he was, Rachel spoke up. "I don't like him.".
"I'm sure that you're not the only one." Kirk said, motioning towards Masaru.
Masaru grunted. "How did you guess?" he stated, his voice heavily sarcastic.
Huey shook his head. "You know what?" he asked. "I am very lost here, and I'm not even sure I WANT to know what all that was about!".
"Good for you." Kirk muttered under his breath. It was then that the Director returned, in a rather non-descript manner.
"Hello, all." the Director said, not bothering to make his speech sound interesting. "Anyways, I've just gotten everything worked out.... and Kato, we're practising fighting techniques again in five minutes!".
What happened next could have been seen from a kilometre away. Kato dropped the cup of water onto the ground, and fainted. Cube beeped in - also quite predictably - concern.
"Oh bother." the Director sighed. Someone get a bucket of water."
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Whew. This pointless chapter is done, finally. Just consider it foreshadowing for the "big fight" which is to happen in Part 4, which will DEFINETLY be the final part of this stupid thing. But of course, my obligatory notes.
* Yes, I am well aware I bastardised the character of several characters in this thing. No need to tell me.
* I had to remove some things from this because I couldn't remember them well enough - I.E, an exchange between the wrestlers of Masaru's chapter involving a chicken lung in KFC food (based on a true story), and a lamington fight. Maybe I'll rewrite this chapter with those things in it.
* Apologies for dragging Annie into this mess, but there was no other sensible way I could get the tequila scene into this. And the whole "Kirk the drunkard" thing? An inside joke. Best not to ask.
* As for the tequila, it is actually a healing item in the Western and perhaps the Final Chapter. Heals a lot, but causes the status effect "Drunk". And no, I don't know what the stuff tastes like - I kind of had to reference from a movie we had to study for English *coughCOYOTEUGLYcoughcough*.
I promise that the next part will take nowhere near as long to come out as this part did - even though I'll be doing next to no writing for the rest of this month due to upcoming exams. But I make no promises on any more parts of this being "funny" - I mean, after all, I don't try. I just write whatever my diseased mind comes up with.
Well, I guess I'll see you all at Part 4 (or Part 3 of "Spherical Robot"). Provided the exams don't drive me mad, that is.