"Go the fuck away."
"Jay...."
I lifted the pillow. Adam? "I said, fuck off."
"Please let me in, Jay, I want to..." he trailed off. I didn't say anything. "I want to talk to you."
"I don't have anything to say. Go away."
There was a click as the door unlocked and I sat up, surprised. How did he get a key? When the door swung open, I saw Adam standing behind Amy. That bitch. I glared at her to let her know that she should not have done that, but she just smiled weakly at me and let Adam pass her, shutting the door behind him. I fell back on the bed and put the pillow back over my face. Maybe I could smother myself before Adam told me exactly how many ways I made him want to vomit.
"Jay..."
"Please go away? I'm asking nicely."
"No."
The bed shift as Adam sat down next to me. You know, with my face covered like this, I wouldn't be able to see the fatal blow. Good.
"Please look at me, Jay."
"No. Go away."
There was a moment of silence, then Adam took my pillow from me. I glared at him, then rolled on my side so I wouldn't have to look at him.
"Look, Jay, I..."
"For wanting to talk so bad you sure don't seem to have much to say."
I heard Adam sigh, frustrated. "I don't hate you."
"That's great, 'cause I hate you."
A pause, then, "Why?"
"Because for fifteen goddamned years I had to pretend I was straight around you so you wouldn't hate me, and now you tell me that you wouldn't have hated me?"
He paused again, then sounded slightly surprised, "Fifteen years?"
"Goddammit, Adam, don't you see that I've been lying to you for almost as long as you've known me just because you were the only person who hadn't rejected me yet? And I finally found someone else, but then I had to choose one or the other. And I couldn't, so I lost both."
"You haven't lost me."
"I -" I stopped. What? Rolling over, I found Adam watching me with a soft smile. He was sitting at the top of the bed, leaning back and propping himself up with one arm. "What does that mean?"
"We've been through a lot of shit together, Jay. You've always been there for me and I've always been there for you. This is really hard for you, I can't leave you alone now."
I sat up, knitting my brow. "No, really, Adam. You're the biggest homophobe I've ever met in my life. You do realize that I'm gay, and you're sitting on a bed with a man who had a crush on you for almost five years, right?"
Adam's eyebrows jumped up with surprise, but not fear or disgust. "Wow. Five years?"
I wrinkled my brow in confusion. Why wasn't he fleeing yet? "Um..."
"These last five years?"
"No, back in college."
He almost frowned. "Oh, not anymore?"
I blinked at him. "Well, I forced myself to get over it because I figured you'd kill me if you knew. Or worse."
He shrugged and looked away. "Why Jeff?"
I did a double take. "What do you mean, 'Why Jeff?' Why Jillian? Why Alexis? Why any of your ex-girlfriends?"
"Oh," he answered quietly, examining the zipper of his leather jacket. "So it wasn't, like, to get back at me or anything?"
I hesitated, confused. "Get back at you for what?"
"I don't know. Being homophobic."
"No, Adam. I couldn't be mean to you if I tried. I love you." I caught myself quickly. "Well, not like that."
"No?" He asked, frowning again and still not looking at me.
"Are you trying to give me a complex?"
He finally looked at me, still frowning. "No, it's just that..."
I sat up, trying to find some kind of answer in his eyes. He was looking at me funny. It was starting to weird me out. "What?"
With no answer, he just closed his eyes and leaned towards me. Oh, holy shit. He's going to kiss me. Well, I couldn't exactly say no, I'd only been imagining this for my whole adult life so far. So I kissed him. I kissed the most homophobic man I knew, and I made it count. This would be no wussy, timid, first kiss. I let him know what he was missing.
Then he drew away, and I glared at him. "Why the fuck did you do that?"
"I love you, Jay."
"Fuck off, Adam. What are you trying to pull?"
"I've wanted to do that for years."
I crossed my arms over my chest and turned away from him. "Then why didn't you just do it, instead of bashing fags?"
"I... I was afraid. I was afraid to admit it."
"You know, Adam, this is a real bad time for this."
"I thought you were straight. I thought you'd hate me if you knew."
"You're making fun of me."
"I swear I'm not. I just kissed you, remember?"
"Why are you doing this to me?"
"I got jealous."
"What?"
"When I saw you with Jeff, I didn't know how to explain what I was feeling. Then I figured it out. I was insanely jealous of Jeff."
"Well, I happen to like Jeff, thank you very much."
"I noticed."
I turned to him, slowly, at that. He was again examining the zipper on his jacket, frowning. Well, goddammit. "What am I supposed to do now, huh?"
"I... I don't know."
"Jeff is important to me."
"Is he really mad?"
"You saw him last night."
"I didn't do anything last night, Jay. I just showed up and Jeff flipped."
"I know," I sighed, looking away again. "It was my fault."
"So you don't hate me?"
"I can't hate you, Adam."
"Good. Because I love you."
"It's still not funny."
"It's not supposed to be." We both fell into silence for a moment. I didn't know what to say. How dare he spring this on me now? Of all the... what is that? Is he rubbing my shoulder? I turned my head slightly to find that, yes, he was. "How do you love me?"
"What?"
"You just said you love me. But not like that. How then?"
"Oh, for fuck's sake, Adam..."
"Please, Jay..."
"I don't know, anymore. You're not exactly the same person I knew ten minutes ago."
"I'm exactly the same. Just one tiny detail."
"Right, well, that 'tiny detail' had been a huge fucking thorn in my side for almost as long as I've known you."
"All right, I screwed up," Adam confessed, moving his hand from my shoulder and wrapping his arms around me. "Can't you forgive me?"
I leaned my head back on his chest, exhausted from confusion. It suddenly hit me that I was now wrapped up in Adam's arms. I'd imagined this everytime I'd been stressed out for a class or when things got too hard on the road. Hmm, it felt even better than I'd expected. I put my hands on his and sighed, only to have him kiss my collar bone gently. You know, Jeff might have been fun and flashy, but Adam was more comfortable. We'd been through so much together, we knew each other so well... I'd been thinking of Adam much longer than I had thought of Jeff. Hell, I'd been thinking of Adam when I was with Jeff. And now I could have him. It seemed so simple.
"Jeff is going to kill me when he finds out."
"Finds out what?" Adam asked, blankly.
"That we're together."
"We are?"
"Aren't we?"
"We are," Adam confirmed, squeezing his arms around me. I could almost hear the smile in his voice.
"Then Jeff's going to be pissed."
"He can fuck off."
"I'm not going to tell him to fuck off."
"Can I?"
"You seem too happy to."
"He was treating you like shit last night."
"I deserved that."
Adam sighed heavily, then, "We'll see what happens."
"No."
"What?"
I pushed myself up and turned to Adam. "I have to talk to Jeff."
"Didn't he say not -"
"I have to."
"Do you want me to go with?"
"No," I said, getting up and heading towards the dresser, where I'd left Jeff's shirt. With a sigh, I picked it up and turned to a surprised Adam who was getting to his feet. "I should do this alone."
He nodded and I opened the door, nearly dumping Amy into the room, as she was leaning on the door.
"Oh! Jay..."
"Did you hear everything?" I smirked. She blushed and sputtered a moment, but I cut her off. "Where's Jeff?"
"I don't think you should -"
"Where is he?"
She sighed. "Room 292."
I nodded at her shortly, then stepped past her down the hall. She ducked into our room, I'm sure, to pry information from Adam. Slowing my pace, I hesitated in front of Jeff's door. What was I going to tell him? What was he going to do? I knocked on the door.
"Jus' a second," he called, then opened the door. He watched me, blankly, wearing just his boxers with a toothbrush hanging from his mouth. After a moment, just as quickly as he'd opened the door, he swung it shut.
"Wait!" I called, stopping the door. There was no pressure, so I just swung it open and watched Jeff retreat to the bathroom.
"Get the fuck outta here, Jay."
I noticed Matt laying on one of the beds, flipping through a magazine. When Jeff told me to leave, Matt looked up, surprised, then jumped to his feet. "Hey, Jeff, Ah'm goin' t' see what Amy's doin'..."
"Don't leave, Matt," Jeff called over running water. "Jay's goin' t' leave."
Matt looked at me, then smiled weakly and left. I stepped over to the bathroom door and watched Jeff wash his face. When he looked up again, he caught my reflection in the mirror and grimaced.
"Y' can't take a fuckin' hint, can ya?"
"Look, Jeff, I'm so sorry -"
"Ah know. Now get out."
"I brought you your shirt."
"Ah don't want it."
"You... what?"
"Ah don't want it. It'll jus' remind me of what y' did t' me."
"Jeff, I didn't mean to..."
"Y' could have told me y' were hung up on Adam."
I felt a lump in my throat. Jesus, he saw right through me. "I didn't think -"
"An' then Ah coulda told y' a long time ago that Adam was gay."
I blinked. "What?"
"Y' didn't honestly think that Adam really hated queers, did'ja?"
"Well, I..."
"Y' did," Jeff said, turning from my reflection to me, looking surprised. "How cute."
"I don't understand."
"Nine times outta ten, queer-bashers are gay themselves. Didn'tcha ever see American Beauty?"
I sputtered, trying to think of an appropriate response.
"Look, Jay, Ah'm still pissed at ya, but Ah can't really hold y'own naivity against ya."
"Hey, wait a minute..."
Jeff smiled gently. "Now, go tell Adam that'cha love him an' get outta my room."
"But... you..."
"Don't worry, Ah'll find some way t' get my revenge later," Jeff turned away from me and started to brush his hair. I stood frozen in my spot. "An' keep the shirt."
I looked down to the shirt in my hand. "But..."
"Y' promised me you'd wear it t' the ring. Y' goin' t' go back on that, too?"
"Jeff -"
"That way Ah'll know y' didn't forget me completely."
"I don't think I could."
Jeff's reflection smiled genially at me. "Fine. But jus' stay away from me f' a while, all right?"
"I'm so sorry, Jeff."
"Y' already said that."
"Please don't do this to me..."
Jeff turned away from the mirror again and crossed the room to me. I froze, almost paralyzed with fear. What, was he going to hit me? He stopped in front of me with a condescending smile. I blinked, and he leaned over and kissed my forehead. "Get out."
I hung my head and turned back, finally leaving. Stepping back into the hall, I noticed that I stopped Matt and Amy's conversation short. Amy spoke up, "Um, Jay...?"
"Ask Jeff," I answered, not stopping. And I went back to Adam. Realizing that I forgot my key, I knocked on the door. Adam opened it after a moment, with a concerned look on his face.
"What happened?"
"I don't know."
"Did he forgive you?"
"I..." I looked down to the shirt in my hand. "I guess so."
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A/N: So what. I completely stole the homophobic-queer ending from American Beauty. At least I gave it props, right? Well. That's all he wrote. [Christian muse, that is.] Time to move on. Bye ya!