By Sailor Red
Cowboy Bebop belongs to Sunrise Inc / Bandai ent. 1998
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Chapter 6
Leaving?
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Spike held onto Faye for dear life. He held onto her for something secure, for something sure, for something tangible. He held onto her because he was confused and because Faye had already done so much to take away as much confusion that she could possibly bear. He held onto her because she knew what he was going through, and her empathetic words helped soothe his soul in more ways than she could ever possibly understand. The purple haired woman had done so much for him already, just by caring. She had put up as good naturedly as possible with his taunts and she had made him laugh. She put things into perspective for him and she did all that she could to help him. She gave him advice that no one else was able to offer. She had opened herself to him and had told him, even through her obstinate attitude and clouded goals, what to do to help him remember.
He cried on her shoulder for comfort. He cried on her shoulder for peace in his tormented mind. He cried on her shoulder to forget his worries, because Faye had become his savior from himself.
Faye stood in shock and disbelief. She could feel Spike's tears soak through her blouse and wet her skin. Spike was crying. Spike was actually asking her for help. Faye felt tears once again prick her emerald eyes. Spike had gotten to the point of wishing death.
He may not have realized it himself yet, but he was there. There was no other feeling quite like it. Faye recalled it with great clarity. When she felt like she had nothing, when she felt like no one cared, that everyone would rather she'd be gone, she wished that she was dead. Faye had wished this many a time during the period in which she knew nothing. It was nothing like going out and fighting, knowing that you may not come home alive. No, it was something completely different, something so deep that the fortunate have never felt it. It was the point where she would take her gun and point it at her own head and want to pull the trigger. It was the point that she would take a knife and cut herself just to feel. It was the point where she would swallow a bottle of sleeping pills and hope that she would never wake up. That was the point she had gotten to when Whitney had pulled his betrayal shit on her. She had thought he had cared and he had betrayed her. After Whitney there really was no one else who cared about her. There was no one else who took the time to get to know her . . .
And then she met Spike and the rest of the Bebop crew. God knows it took a while for them to accept her, but eventually they did. It wasn't one of those sappy families where they hugged and told everyone else that they loved each other, but it was a home, a family, a place where she felt she was cared for and was secure.
Even though the crew would never admit to caring about her, she knew they did. They wouldn't have let her stick around if they didn't.
Jet was like a father figure, always shaking a finger at her and yelling at her when she did something stupid. He was also the mother figure, (if Faye hadn't been so upset by her current situation she'd be laughing at this thought) Jet fixed problems and did the cooking, god awful as the food tasted . . .
Ed was like her little sister. She was care free and brought laughter when it was needed, and advice, however clouded by goofiness it was. She could annoy the hell out of her, but Faye had to admit that she cared about that crazy little brat.
Ein, of course, was the pet dog.
Spike. Well, Spike was hard to put her finger on . . . hell, if she didn't know that deep down, Spike still loved his dream of Julia . . .
Faye pushed Spike off of her without thinking. He had still been crying when he was ripped away from what he thought was a secure space to hang his head, and his eyes dried. He stood in front of Faye, his eyes wide with shock . . . and fear.
What had he done? He hadn't been thinking and he had jumped into Faye's arms, and he had been crying. He had probably scared the hell out of her.
Then again, all he did was ask her for her help. . . and she had pushed him away. Fuck! What the hell was he yelling at himself for?! Faye had pushed him away. He had needed her . . . Wait, fuck that, he didn't need her . . . what the hell did he care if she cared!
He glared at her and ran out of the room. He wanted to be somewhere, anywhere but here. He had thought that she gave a damn. He had thought that she wanted to help him . . . but . . . Damn her!
He slammed right into Ed.
"Nyahh! What is Spike-person doing?!" Ed leapt up off of the floor she had landed on and rubbed her head. "Owww!" Spike righted himself and stared at Ed in confusion. He had to take a second to realize that he had just run out on Faye without really thinking . . . well, what the hell had he been thinking?! He had gone and gotten angry at her for no good fucking reason . . . then again, he didn't see her running up the hall after him either . . .
He was pulled out of his thoughts by Ed grabbing his hand and yanking it, her eyes bright with mischief.
"Come here! Ed wants to show Spike-spike something good!" Spike, confused, followed the girl as she wove in and out of corridors. Had she hit her head too hard?!
Finally they entered a room that Spike didn't get anything from. There were no whispers in his head about this place, almost as if he knew he had never been in here before . . .
"This is Faye-Faye's room!" Spike let a chuckle slip . . . no wonder he didn't get anything from this room . . . "Here, look at this . . . it's really good!"
Ed had turned on the old beta deck and was playing Faye's tape. Spike's mouth widened in shock . . . there was something way too familiar about this . . .
And then, without warning, another memory overtook Spike as he watched the screen, as he watched the memories that Faye had watched at a time that she didn't remember. He remembered watching this tape with Jet and Ed. He remembered Faye hiding in the hallway, watching, tears in her eyes . . .
"Is this me?" Faye . . .
"I have my reason's for not telling you anything. You MUST have felt something when you were getting all of those pictures fed to your fucked up little brain . . . how did it fucking feel to have a memory so close you can taste it, but you can't reach it? I won't fucking tell you anything, 'cause I know how that feels. I fucking know . . . and I don't want you to have to go through it anymore than you have to. . ." Faye . . .
"God . . . I know . . . I know what you're going through . . . I want to take all the uncertainty away . . . but I . . . I . . ." Faye . . .
Spike ran out of the room, away from the tape, the memory of Faye seeing her memories on a television screen running rampant in his mind. He had felt sorry for her then, he had felt bad that Jet had made her leave the room, even though she had left him with quite a bill to pay . . . but now . . .
Oh god, he felt like Jet and himself had been monsters. It was for a completely different reason that he was mad at himself now, then when he was upset with himself then. Right now, he felt horrible that she had seen the tape at all. He should have shoved her out of the room when she had refused to pay for the COD charges . . . but no, he had allowed her to see an image of herself that she couldn't remember at the time. He had inadvertently put her through the pain and suffering that Faye had been doing everything and anything to protect him from. He felt like there wasn't a more horrible thing he could have ever done to Faye than that.
He had to find her.
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Faye punched a few buttons on her Red Tail. She had just stolen enough fuel from Jet's Hammerhead to get her away from here, far enough away to forget Spike. How dare she?! How could she be so wrapped up in herself when Spike was crying on her shoulder, begging for help? Spike had to be pissed off at her. He had to be hurt . . . she had pushed him away when he had need him most! No, she was going to get out of here. She wasn't going to let herself hurt that man anymore.
And she wasn't going to let her heart tell her anymore of it's goddamned lies.
Faye recalled her train of thought. The one that scared her enough to push Spike away . . . and she mentally finished it . . .
'If I didn't know that deep down, Spike still loves his dream of Julia . . . If I knew that he could possibly ever love me back . . . I could fall in love with him . . . '
Faye angrily pushed her ignition switch. GOD DAMMIT!! How could she! How in god's name could she have fallen in love with that insensitive, dip shit, crazy, son of a bitch! Faye mentally shook off all of the good reasons that had suddenly crept into her head. She was not going to let herself start thinking like some stupid teenage girl with a crush on her next door neighbor. No, she was going to get the hell out of here and ignore the fact that such a horrendous thought had ever crossed her mind. There was no way that Spike could ever love her. She just wasn't his type. She wasn't mysterious, blonde, manipulative, fucked in the head, Julia . .. She was the 'Tomboy' that he hated so much. She was the outspoken, loud, bitchy woman that he had told her many, many times that he hated in a woman. Well, fine. Fuck it. She was leaving.
Spike ran into the hanger, a gun in his hand pointed straight at her.
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To Be Continued . . .
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Mwah ha ha haaaa. Cliffy! ^_^ Next Chapter will be up on Monday, and it should be a doozy. At least, that's what I'm planning . . . ^_^
Ja!
This fic is copywrite March / April 2002 Sailor Red / Elaine Mahlecke