"This just isn't fair. I can't believe this is happening to me!" repeated a panicked Xander for the tenth time in as many minutes.

"So it's fair for the rest of us to go through hell, but not you?" queried Tara with a raised eyebrow.

"No. Yes! Stupid spell wasn't my idea! Sorry, Buffy," he added as an afterthought.

"'S all right," she said quietly.

"Would you just shut up! It's not even happening yet and you're driving us all in-bloody-sane!" snapped Spike.

"Well, it's okay for you, isn't it?" said a bitter Xander. "You don't have to worry about your worst nightmares coming to life to haunt your sleep for the rest of your life!"

"Says who?" muttered Spike. He had a nasty foreboding feeling that he might just be due something of the very type. Tired of the tension in the room, Buffy's ignoring of him and the Whelp's whining, he strode off with a swish of his duster.

Xander dismissed him. "We need to prepare for the worst," he urged the others. "Who knows what horrors are on their way!"

"I thought it was killer clowns we were expecting," said Tara dryly.

"More likely to be something to do with me," said Anya, egotistically. "You know - the way Willow was Tara's nightmare."

The collected group cringed.

"It's okay, I know what you mean," said Willow, "And hey! Giving up the casual magick. Gonna save it for the big stuff from now on!"

"She made coffee by boiling a kettle today!" reported Tara with an affectionate squeeze of her arm.

"But you'll use magick for my test. Won't you? You have to, Will! You've gotta help me!" Xander's stress levels were rising by the moment.

"We'll zap any nasty clowns that show their faces here today," agreed Willow. "But Anya's right. All of the tests have been very personal, things with strong emotional connections to the….testee. So, you know, Anya could become a vengeance demon or something."

Anya brightened considerably.

"But they can't! I mean…no!!" Xander looked less happy.

"You wouldn't use magick against me, would you?" demanded Anya with a touch of anxiety.

"Hmrr," said Willow, non-committaly. "Or, you know, you could find Anya, say, sleeping with Spike." She cast a sly look at Buffy.

"Why?! Why would that happen?!" yelped Xander.

Willow observed the faintest of reactions from Buffy, who seemed to concentrate all the more vigorously on the most boring of ancient texts. Ha! She had suspected as much!

Turning her attentions back to Xander, who she had frightened into a dance of terror, she replied, "Probably to get a reaction like that."

"You do know that's an ancient prophecy that you're tearing the corners off?" enquired Tara.

"Some of these possibilities are quite interesting," said Anya thoughtfully. "After all, it's not as though I want to sleep with Spike or become a demon again, but it wouldn't be permanent and it would be necessary."

"Why necessary? I don't think we're doing enough to weasel out of this whole thing!" ranted Xander. "What ever happened to thinking outside the box?"

"Isn't that what caused this?" asked Buffy. "Getting me – out of the – box? Okay, being quiet now." She returned to the reading.

"This is very necessary," said Anya sternly. "You meddled with powers you shouldn't have and if I have to suffer then so should everyone else! And…cosmic karma and so on and so forth."

"You just want to sleep with Spike," grumped Xander, sitting down more peaceably.

"Nobody wants to sleep with Spike," said Buffy. "I think I need to get out of here for a while. Call me for the horror and the bloodshed."

*****

"Buffy? What's going on with you and Spike?" asked Giles, stopping her as she left the shop.

"Nothing," she lied. Or was it the truth?

"Buffy. I'm not an idiot. Yesterday you two were cheerfully attempting to hack each other into small pieces. Today you've barely insulted each other. Something's going on."

"We're just…nothing."

Giles held her wavering gaze.

"Or …something," she admitted. "In a very nothing sort of way!"

"Yes, I thought as much."

"It's okay. I promise. Nothing's going to happen between us." She sounded resolute.

"But you have feelings for him?"

"I don't know. It doesn't matter. He's a vampire, Giles! Remember how well that worked out last time?"

"And you think he'll try to suck the world into hell."

"No," he said, reluctantly.

"Or hurt your friends?"

"Chip?" she reminded him.

"If he got the chip out tomorrow would he hurt you?"

"Already can," she pointed out, suddenly beginning to suspect a trap.

"Do you think he'd hurt Dawn?"

"No. But I can see him killing Xander!" she said defensively.

"Yes. Well. There are times that I want…that's not the point."

"Why are you on his side? Surely there's some Watcher rule against encouraging me to date vampires?"

"I do find his reluctance to hit me a charming contrast to your ex-boyfriend's delight in torturing me," said Giles thoughtfully. "Plus, there's the fact that he seems to make you happy. I find that quite a persuasive trait."

She groaned. She was an idiot. And she had a very clear memory of the look on his face when she had dismissed his feelings as bad-prophecy-material.

"And life is short. Unless Willow insists on repeatedly raising us all."

"Or my vampire boyfriend turns us?"

"This one's up to you. All the rules in the world are against it. The Watcher's Council will probably fire me again for not preventing it. Xander is liable to kick up a fuss. But if it's what you want then you have my support."

"You know I'm going to blame you when he sucks the world into hell?"

"He won't. Are you going to..?"

"Going. Going now. Thank you!"

*****

"Hey."

Spike looked up. Huh. Great. Probably gotta go and save the Whelp.

He was slouched on a chair watching a TV that Buffy hadn't noticed before.

"When did we get a TV in the Magick Box?" she asked, momentarily distracted.

"When you….I mean, when I started spending more time here. They all drive me mad otherwise. So I can hide in here and watch Passions."

"Ah ha." She took the barest of breaths and walked closer to him, stopping at his feet.

"I'm sorry," she said, coming forward and almost straddling his legs.

Hang on a minute. This wasn't Buffy. This was a very pleasant daydream.

She slapped his arm. "Spike!"

Okay, maybe it was Buffy.

"I'm sorry," she repeated quietly.

"For? Oh, skewering me yesterday?" he asked casually, pulling up his shirt to reveal the puncture mark.

"Oh. Shit. Sorry!" She involuntarily reached out a hand to touch the wound, realised what she was doing and withdrew it.

"Doesn't hurt," he commented, fascinated by the movement of her hand.

"I might have been an idiot," she said.

"No, it was the right thing to do. I was going for your head and you blocked with your…."

"Spike," she chided. "I'm serious."

"And I'm ….a big evil vampire," he waggled his eyebrows, wondering how much further she would approach. Any closer and she'd be sitting on him.

"No, you're not," she said confidently, running a finger down his cheekbone.

He closed his eyes, almost purring with pleasure.

"Am too evil," he said insistently. "Really evil. Really really really…"

She slid into his lap. Lips brushed his, just barely.

"Really, really…." he continued to murmur desperately. "Workin' for the Slayer."

They kissed, properly this time, Spike sliding his hands under her clothes to pull her closer and she wrapping herself around his body.

"This Slayer," she gasped. "What exactly are you doing for her?"

"Pretty much anything she wants," he replied, nuzzling her neck.

"That should work out nicely then." She tugged him backwards onto the floor.

"We could take this somewhere more private," he suggested, looking around.

"Who are you working for again?" she demanded, making good progress on his belt.

"You. Only you," he choked, abandoning caution.

He took her face in his hands and kissed her, effectively ending any need for conversation. His hands found the hem of her skirt and relocated it in the direction of her waist.

"Oh. God. I want you," murmured Buffy as his hands explored further.

He looked up.

"Say that again," he ordered, with a grin.

"What? Oh!" She lightly slapped the side of his head in rebuke.

"Wanna get it on tape," he elaborated. "Play it in the demon bars…slayer wants me!"

"You want a fight?" she growled, pulling his shirt over his head and trailing her tongue up his chest. He moaned and surrendered.

"There are things that might be more fun," he conceded, reaching in to kiss her.

Neatly dodging him, she flipped him on his back and straddled him. With purpose this time. Bad purpose. Or good purpose depending on your point of view.

Cold hands reaching under her skirt and rearranging underwear in a more convenient way. Human teeth ripping her top apart and soft chill lips licking and kissing the flesh exposed. Lips of Spike, she thought, with a moment of coherence and amusement, not a bad thing at all.

"Hey, Training-girl, oh god, no!" Xander, still holding the door handle with one hand, covered his eyes with the other. "No!"

"Xander!" yelped Buffy, rolling to the ground and covering herself.

"Oh, just bloody great," muttered Spike, banging his head off the floor in disgust.

"Buffy, say it isn't so!" moaned Xander. "This can't be…Ha! I know what this is! This isn't real! Can't fool me, Buffy-Raising-Demon-Powers!"

Buffy groaned quietly.

"This isn't real!" chanted Xander. "This is just a test. If I close my eyes it isn't there."

Spike let out a feral growl.

"Okay, but it's still only a test!" Xander argued with himself. "I can do this. Just stay calm, Xand-Man, and it will all go back to normal." He groped blindly for the door.

"This is your bloody nightmare?!" yelled Spike, jumping to his feet. He glared at Buffy. "Are you even real? Or is it you under some poxy spell? You're going to wake up tomorrow going 'Ew, I was possessed. Nearly slept with a disgusting vampire!'"

It had to be said that Spike could do an impressive Buffy-imitation.

"I can't hear you!" insisted Xander, shutting his eyes tightly and moving his hands to his ears.

"Fuck this," growled Spike. "I'm sick of being the pawn in your little power game with the powers that be. Cos I'm the one who loses."

He stormed off.

Xander followed, blindly and deafly.

Buffy lay on the ground, wondering what the hell had just happened.

*****

"You've certainly managed to stir things up," said Giles, finding a cigarette-smoking vampire outside the shop that evening.

"Oh yeah. All my bloody fault of course. Who always gets the blame for the bloody trouble around here." Spike viciously stamped on his cigarette.

"Hardly your fault at all," said Giles with a conciliatory air.

"No, nothing to do with me, I'm just a puppet for the powers to torture Harris, apparently."

"Yes, well, Xander has had an epiphany on that point. Or just changed his mind. You and Buffy may in fact not be his moment of unparalleled doom. In fact that moment may perhaps have been when Anya found out and told him she wouldn't marry such a wanker…sorry, I'm paraphrasing here."

"Not at all," said Spike, bewildered. "Anya found out, you say?"

"Yes. The girl was understandably unhappy that her fiancé could be more upset about what some other girl does with a vampire than he could be about something to do with her. So she yelled a lot, threatened to have some former acquaintances remove parts of his anatomy with blunt and original instruments and then said she wouldn't marry him."

"And what happened then?" Spike seemed temporarily distracted from his own problems.

"He said something along the lines of 'Why this is indeed my nightmare to end all nightmares, what a fool I've been' and Anya forgave him."

"So the sod got a happy ending," realised Spike with bitterness.

"Seems that way."

"He wreaks things for everyone else and then the bastard gets to live happily ever after."

"He wreaked everything?" repeated Giles politely.

"Yes, he did!" exploded Spike. "And then I wreaked everything. Oh, fuck!"

"I presume standing around cursing Xander is part of some long-term and cunning plan to right the mess?"

"What do you know, anyway?"

"A sight more than you do apparently!"

"I've wreaked it. The whole thing is doomed. I should just give this whole sodding fantasy up and let her live in peace!"

"Yes. Because the prophecies always say that the path of true love runs very smoothly with rarely a problem of any type."

"What, you really think that it could work?"

"Frankly, probably not. You'll undoubtedly come across insurmountable obstacles. But not if you give up as soon as Xander screams like a woman!"

"I see your point."

"She cares for you."

"And I love her. More than unlife itself."

"So you are standing here talking to me…why?"

"Because I'm an idiot," he said, resignedly. There was going to be some crawling to be done.

"Well, at least you have that in common."

*****

"Hey," he said, nervously. For a start, this was the girl he loved and she might never forgive his blithering stupidity. For second, she was the Slayer and might well decide to shove a stake through his heart.

She barely glanced up. "Spike," she said calmly.

"I'm sorry, you know," he said.

"What on earth for?" she enquired with polite unconcern.

"For the – earlier."

"Oh, you mean for throwing my, my feelings back in my face and acting as though this was some spell of Willow's making us get married?" she asked icily.

"Yeah, for the….that."

"I see."

"Well, what's a bloke supposed to think? I mean, first I thought 'it's a dream' and then I thought 'It's the Buffybot' and then the clown price of panic says it's his nightmare and I…"

"Listened to him. Because you always listen to Xander. It's like a whole regular character trait of yours."

"I couldn't believe that you, real you, could love me," he said matter-of-factly.

"Never said I did," she said indignantly.

"No, but there was the seduction and the kissing and the nakedness, well nearly…..

"Ha! And instead there was the stomping on my heart and the running away. And of course the yelling and the screaming." She was at least looking at him now. With a very evil glint in her eye.

"I may have over-reacted," he conceded, looking at her hopefully.

"I might have overreacted to the overreaction," she said.

"That you might," he agreed.

"Or I might not," she said warningly.

"Any chance you'd let me…convince you?"

"Might be hard work," she said, raising an eyebrow. "You sure you're up to it?"

"I do have the stamina of ten men," he said, with a poor attempt at a modest smile.

"Perfect match," she said.

*****

"That should wrap everything up then," said Giles satisfied.

"I can't believe we did a spell of thanks for getting put through hell on earth," grumbled Xander.

"We did a spell of thanks to the powers for releasing Buffy. And for not killing any of us in return," corrected Tara.

"How do you know it's over?" insisted Spike.

"Oh for god's sake, it's over, move on!" said Giles, tiredly.

"Yes but…."

"Spike, what is the problem? You really have a bee in your bonnet about this. Just what do you think is going to happen?"

"I keep expecting the prancing ponce of poofiness to put in an appearance," admitted Spike reluctantly.

"Why?" asked Giles warily. It was nice to have notice of such happy events. And time to prepare weapons.

"You know, a great big, brooding consequence. I just can't help thinking I still might get a nightmare."

"Well who says he'd be your nightmare?" demanded Giles, indignantly. Although there was that rather pleasant dream involving the angle-grinder…..

"Yeah, there'd be some competition over that kind of nightmare," agreed Xander, fervently.

"Sometimes I forget you guys aren't all that bad," said Spike with something like affection.

"What are you all talking about?" asked Buffy, joining them.

"Nothing of any consequence," said Spike with a good imitation of a straight face.

"Well that's good. I was hoping for a nice consequence-free evening." She looked at him flirtatiously from under her eyelashes.

Xander with difficulty refrained from shielding his eyes.

Giles laid a firm hand on his shoulder and escorted him to something very interesting on the other side of the shop.

"Anything in particular in mind?" enquired Spike, still wondering if he was going to wake up soon.

"Well, I was thinking you've only showed me the stamina of three men. I was hoping to meet the other seven?"

"You know, pet, I do believe that could be arranged."