Ohhhhhh. Finals. If this sucks you can't blame me. Email my Brit Lit TF.
Tell it to him.
Chapter 14
"You want *my* advice?" Mel asked disbelievingly, the next day over lunch. "Let me get this straight. Niles has come back - Niles wants you back. And you're asking *me* what you should do?"
"Well, why not?" Daphne asked, fighting off a wave of dizziness. She'd been having brief spells of mental vertigo on and off since Niles had knocked at her door. Understandably. "You and I are friends. Friends ask one another for advice sometimes. What's so strange about it?"
"Oh, stop playing the innocent, Daphne - you know perfectly well what I mean," Mel snapped. "I suppose you're asking me this because you think I have firsthand experience, don't you? I mean, he dumped me before he dumped you, so you're thinking I figured out long ago what I'd do. That it?"
Daphne looked down. Of course she knew her motives had to be fairly transparent, but she'd hoped to be able to shroud them a little longer than that.
"I wish you would stop doing this," Mel said, and now her voice was strained. "You're always dragging me back through all that, when I should have been able to forget about it long since. Has it ever occurred to you -"
"Well, I'm sorry!" Daphne cried, voice rising. "This isn't about you, you know! What do you want me to do, pretend Niles doesn't exist whenever I'm around you? I'm asking your advice because I'm more confused than I've ever been in my life, I don't know how to - it doesn't matter! Because it makes you uncomfortable, right? That's what's important here. I'm so sorry I bothered you." She shoved her chair out from behind her roughly - recognizing, on one level, that she was being more than a little bit unfair, but enjoying the brief Frasierian catharsis of ranting her troubles away.
"Wait," Mel said, partially raising a hand. "Don't leave yet." Daphne sat down and waited, but the silence which ensued was forbidding. She crossed her ankles under the chair and bit her lip. This had been a stupid idea. Anyone could have told her that.
"I don't know what I can tell you, anyway," Mel said finally, her voice low; she wouldn't look at Daphne. "It's your decision. I'm not sure what you feel I could possibly have to offer." She glanced up quickly, then back down.
Daphne managed a little half-smile. "Much as I hate to admit it, you sort of hit the nail on the head with what you said before."
"But it doesn't matter what I would do," Mel responded quickly. "It doesn't. What the right decision for me would be has nothing to do with the right decision for you."
Daphne sat back in her chair, clenched her fists. "Everyone is saying things like that to me. It's starting to drive me crazy. I'm just asking your opinion, for heaven's sake."
"Oh, all right. Just don't take this for more than it's worth. I'm not going to be responsible for that." She paused, and Daphne could see her face setting itself carefully - proof, as if she'd needed it, that this was not going to be an easy conversation for Mel. Time had passed, she'd found someone new, but what Niles had done to her had not completely healed over. For a brief moment, this became the clinching argument: how could Daphne take Niles back after what he'd done to Mel?
For her? The world went blurry again. Her resolve vanished.
"It's difficult to tell you what I would do, just because there are - were - so many stages," Mel said finally. "I sound like him, don't I? The stages of grieving and healing and all that. Sometimes I hate how much I took out of that relationship." She sighed. Daphne waited.
"That doesn't matter," she finished finally, snapping out of it. "All I'm trying to say is that there isn't one answer. Right after he - you know, right after you two went riding off down that driveway -" Daphne winced - "and he told me he was - he was leaving me, there wasn't a chance in hell I'd have taken him back. I know that sounds strange, but I just couldn't have done it. I was furious. After that wore off. all right," she said quickly, and cleared her throat unnecessarily. "I was just miserable. And of course - you can't just - shut off being in love with someone." She cleared her throat again. Daphne was silent, lost in the words. It struck her, as if it were a new idea, how much she would love to be able to shut this off. She'd like nothing better than to be over him, even if it did mean spending the rest of her life alone.
"And at that point, yes. If he had come to me, if he'd told me he'd realized he'd made a mistake and he wanted me back, I would have taken him back."
"So that would have been the right decision for you?" Daphne said, thoughtfully and distantly.
"No! Oh, God, no," Mel said, and Daphne looked back at her, startled. "This is what I mean. I don't know how things are for you. I don't know whether - oh, don't you see? If I had somehow reconciled with Niles. I suppose I'd have been happy, in a way. Or I'd have thought I was." She stopped. When she started again it was clear she'd thought this all through before; indeed, it almost seemed a carefully practiced speech. "Niles just wasn't right for me. And being in love with him had nothing to do with it, not really. I loved him but it was the sort of thing where I was always afraid I was going to lose him -" Daphne winced again - "I was never really comfortable with him, because I could always sense there was something going on that he wasn't sharing with me. And I was always overcompensating, trying to make him forget about it, whatever it was." She was kind enough not to specify that "it" was naturally Daphne herself. "I was always trying so hard to prove I was smart enough or cultured enough, it was like I had to be on all the time, trying to keep him. It almost felt like a competition. And I didn't mind it, then, but now that things have changed and I'm with Kyra I wonder how I could ever have done it in the first place. It's so different now." She shrugged, a deliberately casual gesture which was ludicrously at odds with the context. "I'm sorry. I'm off the point."
"No, this is helping," Daphne said.
Mel arched an eyebrow. "Is it?"
"I think so." She shook her head. "You're saying you didn't look hard enough at the relationship while you were in it, right? That it would have been a mistake to go back to him because you weren't right for one another."
"I suppose." Mel said dubiously, and then laughed. "I'd hate to admit it can all be summarized that easily. I thought I was saying something original."
Daphne nodded, the picture of abstraction.
Mel sat forward a little. "This is the last thing I'm going to say, because I am really sick of talking about Niles Crane and I don't intend to do it anymore. But before you make a decision, make sure you know whether or not you can deal with the strain of being in a relationship with that man. Because it's perfectly clear to anyone who knows you two that you're in love with him - no, wait -" she said, as Daphne started to interrupt. "That doesn't mean that that's enough. If you can't trust him, I don't think it's worth much of anything."
"So love's overrated," Daphne said, with a short, bitter little laugh.
Mel smiled thinly. "That wasn't my point, but I am not in the mood to debate it right now. I'd really like to change the subject, if you don't mind."
"Of course," Daphne said automatically.
"And if it's all the same to you -"
Daphne smiled a little. "I'll never bring Niles up again."
"Thank you."
The conversation tottered a little after that and then fell flat. Daphne excused herself early. Her thoughts were beginning to resolve. She wasn't sure she much liked the decision that was starting to form.
But it was the only one possible.
Chapter 14
"You want *my* advice?" Mel asked disbelievingly, the next day over lunch. "Let me get this straight. Niles has come back - Niles wants you back. And you're asking *me* what you should do?"
"Well, why not?" Daphne asked, fighting off a wave of dizziness. She'd been having brief spells of mental vertigo on and off since Niles had knocked at her door. Understandably. "You and I are friends. Friends ask one another for advice sometimes. What's so strange about it?"
"Oh, stop playing the innocent, Daphne - you know perfectly well what I mean," Mel snapped. "I suppose you're asking me this because you think I have firsthand experience, don't you? I mean, he dumped me before he dumped you, so you're thinking I figured out long ago what I'd do. That it?"
Daphne looked down. Of course she knew her motives had to be fairly transparent, but she'd hoped to be able to shroud them a little longer than that.
"I wish you would stop doing this," Mel said, and now her voice was strained. "You're always dragging me back through all that, when I should have been able to forget about it long since. Has it ever occurred to you -"
"Well, I'm sorry!" Daphne cried, voice rising. "This isn't about you, you know! What do you want me to do, pretend Niles doesn't exist whenever I'm around you? I'm asking your advice because I'm more confused than I've ever been in my life, I don't know how to - it doesn't matter! Because it makes you uncomfortable, right? That's what's important here. I'm so sorry I bothered you." She shoved her chair out from behind her roughly - recognizing, on one level, that she was being more than a little bit unfair, but enjoying the brief Frasierian catharsis of ranting her troubles away.
"Wait," Mel said, partially raising a hand. "Don't leave yet." Daphne sat down and waited, but the silence which ensued was forbidding. She crossed her ankles under the chair and bit her lip. This had been a stupid idea. Anyone could have told her that.
"I don't know what I can tell you, anyway," Mel said finally, her voice low; she wouldn't look at Daphne. "It's your decision. I'm not sure what you feel I could possibly have to offer." She glanced up quickly, then back down.
Daphne managed a little half-smile. "Much as I hate to admit it, you sort of hit the nail on the head with what you said before."
"But it doesn't matter what I would do," Mel responded quickly. "It doesn't. What the right decision for me would be has nothing to do with the right decision for you."
Daphne sat back in her chair, clenched her fists. "Everyone is saying things like that to me. It's starting to drive me crazy. I'm just asking your opinion, for heaven's sake."
"Oh, all right. Just don't take this for more than it's worth. I'm not going to be responsible for that." She paused, and Daphne could see her face setting itself carefully - proof, as if she'd needed it, that this was not going to be an easy conversation for Mel. Time had passed, she'd found someone new, but what Niles had done to her had not completely healed over. For a brief moment, this became the clinching argument: how could Daphne take Niles back after what he'd done to Mel?
For her? The world went blurry again. Her resolve vanished.
"It's difficult to tell you what I would do, just because there are - were - so many stages," Mel said finally. "I sound like him, don't I? The stages of grieving and healing and all that. Sometimes I hate how much I took out of that relationship." She sighed. Daphne waited.
"That doesn't matter," she finished finally, snapping out of it. "All I'm trying to say is that there isn't one answer. Right after he - you know, right after you two went riding off down that driveway -" Daphne winced - "and he told me he was - he was leaving me, there wasn't a chance in hell I'd have taken him back. I know that sounds strange, but I just couldn't have done it. I was furious. After that wore off. all right," she said quickly, and cleared her throat unnecessarily. "I was just miserable. And of course - you can't just - shut off being in love with someone." She cleared her throat again. Daphne was silent, lost in the words. It struck her, as if it were a new idea, how much she would love to be able to shut this off. She'd like nothing better than to be over him, even if it did mean spending the rest of her life alone.
"And at that point, yes. If he had come to me, if he'd told me he'd realized he'd made a mistake and he wanted me back, I would have taken him back."
"So that would have been the right decision for you?" Daphne said, thoughtfully and distantly.
"No! Oh, God, no," Mel said, and Daphne looked back at her, startled. "This is what I mean. I don't know how things are for you. I don't know whether - oh, don't you see? If I had somehow reconciled with Niles. I suppose I'd have been happy, in a way. Or I'd have thought I was." She stopped. When she started again it was clear she'd thought this all through before; indeed, it almost seemed a carefully practiced speech. "Niles just wasn't right for me. And being in love with him had nothing to do with it, not really. I loved him but it was the sort of thing where I was always afraid I was going to lose him -" Daphne winced again - "I was never really comfortable with him, because I could always sense there was something going on that he wasn't sharing with me. And I was always overcompensating, trying to make him forget about it, whatever it was." She was kind enough not to specify that "it" was naturally Daphne herself. "I was always trying so hard to prove I was smart enough or cultured enough, it was like I had to be on all the time, trying to keep him. It almost felt like a competition. And I didn't mind it, then, but now that things have changed and I'm with Kyra I wonder how I could ever have done it in the first place. It's so different now." She shrugged, a deliberately casual gesture which was ludicrously at odds with the context. "I'm sorry. I'm off the point."
"No, this is helping," Daphne said.
Mel arched an eyebrow. "Is it?"
"I think so." She shook her head. "You're saying you didn't look hard enough at the relationship while you were in it, right? That it would have been a mistake to go back to him because you weren't right for one another."
"I suppose." Mel said dubiously, and then laughed. "I'd hate to admit it can all be summarized that easily. I thought I was saying something original."
Daphne nodded, the picture of abstraction.
Mel sat forward a little. "This is the last thing I'm going to say, because I am really sick of talking about Niles Crane and I don't intend to do it anymore. But before you make a decision, make sure you know whether or not you can deal with the strain of being in a relationship with that man. Because it's perfectly clear to anyone who knows you two that you're in love with him - no, wait -" she said, as Daphne started to interrupt. "That doesn't mean that that's enough. If you can't trust him, I don't think it's worth much of anything."
"So love's overrated," Daphne said, with a short, bitter little laugh.
Mel smiled thinly. "That wasn't my point, but I am not in the mood to debate it right now. I'd really like to change the subject, if you don't mind."
"Of course," Daphne said automatically.
"And if it's all the same to you -"
Daphne smiled a little. "I'll never bring Niles up again."
"Thank you."
The conversation tottered a little after that and then fell flat. Daphne excused herself early. Her thoughts were beginning to resolve. She wasn't sure she much liked the decision that was starting to form.
But it was the only one possible.