Disclaimer: The title of this fiction ('Peeling The Onion') comes from a book I just read, it's extremely good I suggest you read it. This fic is inspired by the book and yeah...The titles of the chapters are from Jennifer Love Hewitt's Barenaked...it's a good song, go download it or something! The reason for this fic being called Peeling the onion is because it's about a girl who's trying to find herself, kind of like this story and at the front of it there's the statement 'How many layers have to peeled away before you find the real you?' Yeah...well something like that pfft...so yes, I don't own dbz or any of it's characters, if I did, I'd be filthy rich...if you sued you wouldn't get much...*sigh*
AN: Hello, I'm back, don't know who'll read this, probably no one, I've seen the amount of reviews fics get lately and it's kinda pathetic, but then again so is a lot of the quality of fics...no offense, but yeah. I aint bragging, mine's probably crap too...well isn't that a nice way to start a fic? Insult other people...ARGH I DON'T MEAN IT! I should be updating some of my other fics, but this fic was just begging to be released. Alright...umm...yes, it's about Pan, who wants to find herself but can't AND won't. BTW this is the first time I've written in this style, it was the only way I could write this story, It just didn't sound right when I wrote it the way I normally write so yeah...okay enough blab...
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Kami...you can inflict the most excruciating pain on me, just don't put me through another day of being Panny-chan.
*
I sit glumly at the kitchen table picking at my pile of toast. I'm not hungry. Nothing strange for an ordinary girl, but for a Saiyajin, it's a huge statement. I look at the clock on the microwave, in a few minutes my Uncle Goten will come running down the stairs, late for work, but not too late to prevent him from stopping for a split second just to ruffle my hair. He knows it annoys me, but hey, it's only little Panny-chan.
I hear the loud thumping from upstairs and prepare myself for the mistreatment I'm about to receive. Next thing I know Uncle G is by my side and grinning down at me.
"Morning Panny!" He greets me cheerfully.
I paste a fake smile on my face, he doesn't seem to notice as he brings his large hand onto my head and messes my hair. Glancing at my plate, he frowns slightly.
"Not hungry?" The simple statement brings the attention of my mum and dad.
Because I can't think of anything better to do or say, I keep the pasted smile on my face.
"Well, I'm late, bye everyone!" He waves as he grabs some toast off my plate with the other hand.
Trust Uncle G to cause some havoc and run out the door to leave me with all the baggage. I sigh inwardly and lean forward to ensure that I'm hidden behind my long black hair. I brace myself for my parents' worried voices.
"Pan, are you alright?" My mum starts.
"I'm fine." I reply not looking up.
"Are you sure, you aren't eating, do you feel sick?" My dad asks worriedly.
"I'm fine." I repeat.
Through my hair, I can see their skeptical faces. Before they begin again, I escape and grab my bag, muttering a goodbye as I leave the room. I don't look back, I know the exact look on their faces. The look that they've been constantly bearing ever since I realised that I wasn't a kid anymore.
As the fresh spring air hits my face, blouse and plaid skirt, I can feel the tears forming behind my eyes. Everyday is the same, but some days get to me more than others, and I guessed this was one of those days. I forced them back with all my willpower, but my trapped soul is stronger and I feel silent tears slowly pour down my cheeks.
Why am I crying? I ask myself repeatedly. This is the stupidest thing to cry about! I don't care, don't care about anything. I shouldn't care! But I know better...and I know that everything I've kept bottled up inside, everything over the past years and just plain everything...I know it means the world to me.
*
I watch as my shoes hit the sidewalk with a subtle 'click'. Anything to keep me from looking at the free souls around me, the souls that I envy. Just like yesterday, today I spent my lonely lunch times and breaks thinking about how to explain my misery to my family. How to explain that I want to go away and discover who I am instead of being suffocated by everyone and everything.
Instead of being forced to be someone I'm not.
How can you explain something like that? Especially when you've been sitting and taking it for the past six years of your life. Especially when no one knows the real you. Especially when you risk being looked at like a stranger by your own family or being laughed at for being so 'mature' when you're still suppose to be a kid. Am I a joke?
"Panny!" I hear someone's voice calling from behind.
I stopped dead and clenched my jaw. That name again...how did it find me? Taking a deep breath, I turned around and forced a smile. It was Bra. The closest friend I have in this world, but the girl that I envy the most.
I see the way people treat her and I find myself thinking about what life would be like if I were her. They see her as an adult already, and she's a year younger than me! I guess that's what I envy the most, the way people have already accepted that she's an adult but can't seem to let go of 'Panny'. But, what makes it worse, Is that I know I'm more mature than she is.
"Hi!" I greeted with the cheeriest voice I could find.
"What's up? I couldn't find you all lunchtime!" She exclaimed.
It's hard to sit and compare yourself to your friend 24/7, you just need a break from all the jealousy...you know?"Studying." I replied.
"Oh," Her face faltered, "You've been doing that a lot lately..." She trailed off.
"Well...with exams and stuff and it being the last year of senior high and everything, I really need good marks to get into the college I want." I told her, it was partly true at least.
"Well...it just...it feels like you don't really want to spend time with me." She voiced sadly.
You just don't deserve to be around me...I'm weak and pitiful, can't even tell my family what I feel...I'm a failure."Believe me, I do want to spend time with you. I just...you know...school. I'm sorry."
"Hey, it's okay, you can make it up to me! Wanna come over? Besides you'll benefit as well as me, my brothers home!" She grinned at me and nudged my ribs.
I don't like him, but I couldn't help but grit my teeth and take it, but she didn't seem to notice. Does anyone notice?*
I sit on Bra's soft bed waiting impatiently, but looking patient on the outside. How long does it take to change out of your school uniform and change into something else? She can't be choosing an outfit! We're not even going out! I sigh loudly since no one's around, but a knock on the door makes me automatically paste my mask on.
"Anyone in here?" I hear Trunks' voice as he opens the door slightly.
"I am." I say.
"Oh, hey." He replies, casually making his way toward me.
"Hey." For once, someone didn't use that name.
And suddenly it all hits me at once and I'm forced to fight down feelings I'd never felt before. He sits down beside me with a thoughtful look on his beautiful face, as if he were picking his words carefully.
"You know, I was once like you," He begins, scaring me, "trapped in the prison I had built for myself. My soul...trapped. But then my mother pushed me into being CEO. No one thought I could do it. Not 'childish, immature Trunks'. But I proved them wrong, and finally I was seen the way I'd always wanted everyone to see me. Looking back on it now, I realise that I shouldn't have waited so long, that I shouldn't have waited for an opportunity to take off my mask and show everyone who I really was. I should have shown them. I should have created my own opportunity to find myself, instead of sitting and taking it. So Pan, drop the mask and find out who you are."
My eyes widen in shock. How did he know? I see him two or three times a week and he could see what I was going through. How is this possible when my parents haven't seen it for the past five years? I hang my head, hiding my face with my hair. My hair is my physical mask, the thing that I hide behind in situations like these.
"So what am I? Who am I? I don't even know..." I trail off quietly.
"I can't tell you who you are, If I did that, I'd be just like everybody else. You have to find out for yourself." He told me.
I finally burst.
"You make being me sound so easy! It's not! You of all people should know that! Just because you got out of the situation easy, doesn't mean that everyone else in the same prison can easily find a way out! You...you're so..."
We argue.
"So what, Pan? You know what your problem is? You don't want to find yourself! As much as you hate being what you are, you don't want to be yourself!"
I'm numb.
"Stop down-talking to me! I'm not a child! I'm...I'm almost eighteen for Kami's sake..."
A wave of sadness hits me, maybe he's right. I do hate what I am, but do I make any effort to become...me? That questioning and confronting thought makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry, so I do.
*
AN: SORRY SORRY SORRY for what I wrote above about quality and stuff, there are still good fics out there...at least everyone tries and gives it a go, I'm sorry if I offended anyone, I didn't mean to, I guess I'm just upset...for personal reasons...well bye!
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