.:All of My Tomorrows:.
chapter twenty-three : hereafter
She sucked in a deep breath and closed her eyes, trying fruitlessly to calm her nerves and settle her stomach. Kagome had been trying to figure out what she was going to say to Sesshoumaru for days now and still she was not quite sure how to say what she wanted to say.
She stood in the hall just outside of Sesshoumaru's library queasy with unease. She didn't want to tell him that she needed to return home, and more importantly, she didn't want leave him. Since their battle together with Akuma, she felt much closer to him. He had been so surprisingly kind to her. He had saved her life and cared for her even while he was terribly injured himself. The thought of never seeing him again made her feel nauseous, but she owed it to her family to return home.
It was rather foolish, really. Sesshoumaru was the youkai Lord over all of the Western Lands. He had been her enemy once… and now she feared what her heart felt for him.
'Am I really that finicky?' She asked herself as she stared down at her hands. 'To love Inuyasha so much and over a year after his death I think I might be falling in love with his brother?'
Tears stung at her eyes and she bit her lip as she fought against them. Part of her still loved Inuyasha and always would. Part of her felt loyal to him. Giving Inuyasha's most prized possession to his greatest rival was bad enough, but to fall in love with him as well? It just wasn't right. Inuyasha would never forgive her.
Setting her jaw and taking a deep, cleansing breath Kagome looked up at the door and prepared herself. Leaving Sesshoumaru would be for the best, for both of them.
She lifted her hand and rapped on the door. "Sesshoumaru?" she called quietly as she slid the door open to reveal him sitting on a zabuton, his amber eyes observing her expectantly.
"I was beginning to wonder how long it would take you to enter."
Kagome blushed and mentally berated herself for hesitating so long outside the door. He must have smelled her long before she knocked. "Sorry about that," she said sheepishly as she stepped further into the room and kneeled in front of him, smoothing out her kimono as she sat.
He said nothing for a long moment as he eyed her and she felt caught in his gaze. His scrutinies made her feel all the more nervous so she forced herself to look away. He caught her fidgeting with the side of her obi and tilted his head at her, "What is on your mind, Kagome?"
"I…" She trailed off when the butterflies in her stomach roared to life. "Ah, thank you for everything, Sesshoumaru. Thank you for taking care of me… and Shippou through all this."
"You have already thanked me."
"I just—"
"I can smell your nervousness," Sesshoumaru said very matter-of-factly.
Kagome's voice cracked, "You can?"
"Why are you behaving this way? It is annoying."
Kagome gaped at him, "What?!"
A slight smirk graced Sesshoumaru's lips and Kagome pressed her lips tightly together when she caught sight of it. "You can be annoying sometimes, too, you know."
"There is a difference," he stated dryly. "I do it intentionally."
Kagome huffed and crossed her arms over her chest, "You do it well."
A smile filtered across Sesshoumaru's lips and he offered her a slight, mocking bow. "Thank you."
Silence returned between them causing Sesshoumaru to sigh impatiently. "Tell me what it is you wish to tell me or go away. This nervous scent you are giving off is really very bothersome."
Kagome took a deep breath, "I need to go home."
Sesshoumaru sat quietly in introspective silence for several seconds as he let the weight of Kagome's words sink in. The thought of her leaving for good disturbed him and he quickly suppressed the queasiness in his stomach as he studied her. The look in her eyes seemed to be pleading with him and his heart sank just a little at the strange sadness he saw there.
"I haven't seen my family in over a year and they're probably worried sick about me," Kagome said in a rush. "They probably think I'm dead."
"You need to go home? To that well?"
"Yes, the well. My home is actually beyond the well."
"Ah."
"Miroku tried to send me home through the well after Inuyasha died, but it wouldn't take me." Kagome sighed, "I don't know if the well will take me now, but I have to try."
"You miss your home?" Sesshoumaru asked as he studied her eyes again, seeing her sadness spark once more.
"Well, yeah I miss them. What really bothers me is the thought of them being so worried about me. I hate to think that they may think I'm dead or something. My father's death was really hard on my mom, I hate to think of her going through that again, but I don't really want to leave..." Kagome trailed off as she caught herself saying too much and blushed once she saw the way Sesshoumaru was watching her.
"Kagome, you are welcome to stay here with me."
Her cheeks grew even more flushed as her heart swelled with warmth. She had secretly hoped he would say something like that, but she never believed it would actually happen.
"Th-thank you, Sesshoumaru," she said in a quiet voice as she dared not look at him lest she lose her resolve completely, "but I have to try to go home. I don't know if I can get through the well, but I owe it to my family to try."
Sesshoumaru nodded, "Very well. I will accompany you to the well. If you are unable to go through, you are welcome to return here with me and Rin."
Kagome smiled broadly, feeling relieved and more than a little touched by his offer as she bowed before him. "Thank you, Sesshoumaru."
• • •
No one said a word or even uttered a sound as they passed by Inuyasha's grave. Not even Rin, who had been uncharacteristically reserved during the entire journey from Sesshoumaru's domain. Kagome gazed at the site as they walked past, memories of her time there where she existed in misery filled her mind in scattered pieces and she winced. She never once apologized to Shippou for what she inadvertently put him through and her heart ached at the thought of the pain she knew she had caused him.
Now as the four of them stood around the Bone Eater's Well, Kagome hesitated. Since the moment she stepped foot outside of Sesshoumaru's home, her heart felt troubled and conflicted. Her mind told her the best thing to do was to leave. This was not her time nor home. Her family missed her and needed her and she knew from the beginning that her time in the Feudal Period was only temporary.
So, what was causing the conflict?
Sesshoumaru.
He was the reason she wanted to stay. He was what made going home so frightening. The last time she felt a sense of dread so profound fill her was when Inuyasha sealed the well. Her heart had been consumed with thoughts of Inuyasha and emotions as broad as anger, worry and disappointment filled her every waking moment.
The feelings she felt now were similar to that, yet different. With Sesshoumaru, everything was different. If she backed out now, what would she say? She knew Sesshoumaru had offered his home to her, but she felt foolish coming all this way only to back out at the last second. Besides, she didn't think she would be able to live with herself if she didn't at least try to go home. Her longing to see her family was as tangible as her fear of never seeing Sesshoumaru again.
"Kagome-oneesan! Can't we go with you?"
Kagome offered a comforting smile to Rin as she knelt down in front of her. "I don't think you can, Rin. The well has only worked for myself and Inuyasha."
"Promise Rin you will come back!"
Kagome pulled Rin into a tight hug, "I want to come back more than anything. I still need to help you practice your kanji and mathematics!"
The girl pouted at the mention of her least favorite lesson that Kagome insisted upon teaching her, "Rin doesn't like mathematics."
"Hmm... well, then I guess we'll have to stick to practicing your kanji."
Rin nodded and hugged Kagome once more. "Be a good girl, Rin," Kagome whispered before turning toward Shippou who hugged her quickly and fiercely.
"Don't go."
"Shippou, I—"
"Kagome, you know you want to stay so just stay!"
"Shippou, we talked about this."
"I... I know. I'm sorry."
Kagome pushed Shippou away from her so she could look him in the eyes. "I promise I will come back if I can," she said, her voice beginning to crack, "Please don't make this more difficult than it already is."
The older girl lost her battle against her own tears when she saw Shippou's lower lip tremble and she embraced him once more. "I'm sorry for causing you so much worry, Shippou. You took care of me after Inuyasha died and I have always appreciated that. I love you."
"I love you, too, Kagome," Shippou whispered as he pulled away from her, wiping the tears from his eyes and trying to regain his composure.
Kagome stood and quickly dusted off her kimono as she turned to face Sesshoumaru. The two locked eyes for several moments, neither willing to be the first to speak. Kagome felt her resolve quickly draining away as she looked at him and knew she had to act before the moment slipped by. Gathering her courage, Kagome stepped forward and embraced a slightly startled Sesshoumaru.
She smiled against him when she felt his arms encircle her and his face dip down to smell the top of her head. "Thank you, Sesshoumaru, for everything."
"Ah, thank you."
Kagome pulled herself away from him, her cheeks flushed and stained with tears. She sat down on the side of the well and swung her legs over, then turned her face toward the people she had come to love and smiled. "Goodb— no, see you later!"
Then she pushed herself into the well and braced herself to hit the bottom as she closed her eyes. With a solid thud, she landed and fell hard on her backside.
"You are still here."
Kagome's eyes flew open and her head turned up toward the sound of Sesshoumaru's voice and Shippou's joyful laughter.
"Or, does it take a while to work?"
Kagome smiled, feeling a strange mix of emotions move through her, the primary ones leaving her feeling relieved and glad. "No… I guess it really won't take me anymore."
Sesshoumaru snorted and his lips twitched up into a slight smile as he stood on the lip of the well, preparing to jump in to retrieve her. "Well, you should come out of there. You look foolish sitting at the bottom of a well in a kimono."