Later that day -
Remus looked at the clock on the mantel in his study. Almost 5:00 in the evening. It was time for his last dose of Potion. He went down to the kitchen and found Sirius putting the cauldron over the fire. "It will heat up in a few minutes," he said, glancing at Remus, then immediately turning his attention back to the Potion. Remus crossed the room and slipped an arm around Sirius' waist, hidden today under pale gray robes.
"Sirius, have you ever given any thought about doing Potions research? You certainly have the skills."
"You know my main reason for doing well in Potions was simply to drive Snape to distraction. He's the one who has a passion for it. I'm good at following directions, but I don't think I have the talent for inventing new things. Really, all I do is follow the recipes for brewing the necessities like Wolfsbane and Hangover Cures." His lips curled in a smile. "I wonder if Muggles have any idea that the phrase "hair of the dog" actually has some application."
"I guess we're lucky we have Padfoot around to shed for us." Remus reached up with his free hand and grasped a handful of black hair. "I do hope you know a cure for baldness should Padfoot loose too much hair in his efforts to restore us to sobriety."
Sirius' smiled broadened, but kept his attention on his cauldron. Smoke began to rise off the Potion. In one deft movement, Sirius removed the cauldron from the flame and poured the steaming liquid into a goblet. Remus took the goblet and sat down at the kitchen table. He smiled, a tinge of sadness on his face. "Every time I drink this I can't help but think about Snape and the fact that he added rue to make it taste bad. "
"It's guilt by association, Remus. In his eyes, you always knew that I intended to send him into the tunnel to meet his death in a werewolf's jaws. No matter what Dumbledore tells him, I think part of him will never believe that I was the only one at fault. So, just because Albus asked him to brew this for you when you were teaching at Hogwarts didn't mean Snape had to be nice about it. Putting rue in the Wolfsbane Potion was just his way of paying you back by adding a little discomfort to your life. "
"I suppose." Remus glanced up, his gaze suddenly serious. "Would you sit down for a while? I need to talk to you."
"Drink that Potion first." Sirius instructed in a voice that brooked no argument.
Remus polished off the smoking brew. Then, his eyes never leaving Sirius', he nodded to the chair across from him. Sirius sat down, his arms resting on the table, sensing where the conversation would lead. Remus drew in a deep breath and began.
"I've been thinking all day about what I want to say to you. It'll be hard for me to get through, so I'd appreciate it if you won't interrupt me." Sirius nodded.
"Alright then. About last night, and the other nights like it. I understand why you goad me to hurt you. I know you're trying to spare me the pain I go through when I transform. I understand that you do it because you love me, and, believe me, I don't have words to express how deeply your sacrifice touches me."
"Sirius, you are my greatest treasure, and to live with you, to see you every day, to share my life with you, when I had come to believe I'd never feel such joy or comfort or love again, means more to me than I can begin to describe. After years of living in desolation, I'm once again in paradise. But, I never forget what I am. I am a werewolf. I am dangerous and deadly."
"And this uncontrolled, ravaging sex only reinforces that for me. I've struggled all my life to beat this beast into submission. And now, you've discovered a way to release it and I end up forcing you into submission instead. I abhor that. It goes against all the anguish, all the blood, all the efforts I've put in to conquering this. My lifetime of struggle can be swept away by your kiss, by the touch of your hand, by the mere sight of you spread across the bed."
Remus looked down at his hands, watched his fingers twist themselves together in a small snake pit of anguish. He continued, his voice muted, but tinged with shame. "You're right, you know. Those nights.I love how it feels. I love when you struggle against me, twisting and writhing, all your muscles straining, trying to break my grip on you. I love overpowering you, forcing you to lie still so I can do whatever I want to you. I want you to fight me, so that when I finally fuck you, when I ram my cock inside you, I want you to feel impaled and helpless and at my mercy. Nothing compares to the fevered, glorious rush I get when I master you."
He raised his eyes back to Sirius' face, the hurt like shards of glass in his gaze. "And I thirst to see you surrender to me, your hands lying open on the sheets, your body now mine to turn and mold and position in any way I choose. I want so much to possess you. I want to mark you with my teeth and my hands. I want to prove to you that you're mine, that I own you. I want you to be vulnerable, defenseless. I want you to grant control of your body to me, to offer your throat to my teeth, to expose every tender bit of flesh to whatever I wish to do."
Remus stopped, his breathing ragged. Sirius' lips parted, but Remus quickly held up a hand, forestalling his response. He continued, his voice wavering. "Yes, I love doing what I do to you. At the time. But I feel sick the next day because what I have done is nothing short of desecration. And I would never, ever do that, unless the wolf drives me to it. Don't you see, Sirius? When I lose all control like that, it means I've lost the battle. The battle I've fought all my life. The wolf wins. It's bad enough to become a werewolf one night a month. It's worse if I act like that when I'm still human. I become the monster and I do monstrous things. My humanity disappears and all I am is a creature that should be caged with the strongest steel."
Remus paused, his eyes screwed shut, until he regained his composure. Then, looking up, hazel eyes locked with pale blue. "Sirius Black, I love you so very much. You are the diamond bright star that blazes like a beacon in my deepest nights. You are the glowing palette of dawn that banishes my darkest nightmares. All that I know of heaven is embodied in you here on earth. And when I wake up on mornings like today, I look at you and feel like I've raped you. The physical pain I go through when I transform is so much easier for me to deal with than the emotional pain I feel when I see what I've done to you. Please.please don't goad me into hurting you anymore. Please let me suffer pain I can bear. Please."
Remus finally stopped speaking. He stared at Sirius, knowing that the ultimate control in this situation rested in his lover's decision. Sirius stared back, and what he saw were eyes from long ago, in their dorm at Hogwarts. Weary, old eyes in the face of a young boy who gamely fought an affliction he could never defeat. Hurt, pained eyes staring unblinkingly at his friends when he realized they had discovered his dark secret, while he waited for them to chase him away because he was a monster. Something had shifted in young Sirius' soul all those years ago. He had realized with perfect clarity, and wisdom beyond his years that, for his lifetime, he would do anything in his power to drive that look out of those golden, hazel eyes.
Sirius reached out and grasped Remus' hands. "Yes, you can be dangerous and deadly. So can I. You can lose control. So can I. You are taken over by the wolf once a month. I can lose control anywhere, any time, given the right circumstances, while supposedly keeping my humanity. Which of us is the real monster?" He smiled ruefully. "We've circled around this argument for years without resolving it. I guess it's one of those threads that binds couples together."
Sirius raised their clasped hands to his lips, placing a gentle kiss on his lover's wrist. "You spent so many years alone, with all of your support gone. And that was my fault."
"No, it wasn't. You didn't -"
"Yes, I did. My decisions, no matter how well meaning, were disastrous for so many people. I know you've forgiven me for that, but I still feel responsible. I need to try to make it up to people. Sometimes I get it right. And sometimes, I still act too precipitously and do what is right for me, but what is wrong for others. I thought that, in some small measure, this could help pay back some of what I owe you. I'm sorry, Remus. All I ever wanted was to help you, but since this comes at too high a price, then of course I will do as you ask."
Remus' grip tightened even as his body relaxed. "Thank you."
One month later.
Remus paced distractedly across his study. 4:05. Still a while to go before it was time to take the last dose of Potion for this month. He was tired, not having slept well the previous night in the spare bedroom. Glancing at the chaos on his desk, he had trouble remembering exactly what he had been working on today. Well, he'd sort it out tomorrow. At least, in few hours, Padfoot would join him and his isolation would be over. That would make him feel better.
It had felt very odd keeping himself away from Sirius over the last day. He had tried to draw some comfort from the knowledge that Sirius was downstairs or out in the garden and not very far away. However, Remus had expended a lot of energy trying to focus on work and not on how much he hated keeping himself shut away. Last night was the worst. Lying alone in the spare room without the warmth and weight of Sirius lying next to him had been almost unbearable. Of course, thinking of Sirius sprawled in bed had aroused him enough to send him down the hall towards the master bedroom. He had forced himself to stop and go back to his lonely bed, his hand sliding down to curl around his erection. He had pleasured himself mechanically, wondering why Sirius' hand felt so much better than his own. But, ultimately, he succeeded in keeping his distance.
As moonrise approached Remus pushed some of the furniture in the study back against the walls, creating a space great enough to give two large canines a place to play without banging into anything. Remus began to feel the first twitches of the change as Sirius entered the room, locking the door behind him. "Alright, Moony?"
Remus shuddered a bit and nodded. "Change, Sirius." Padfoot instantly appeared, his head tilted to one side as he watched Remus remove his clothing. "And stop staring at me, you pervert!" Padfoot merely regarded him with an open-mouthed, tongue-lolling, doggy grin. Then Remus' vision darkened as the wrenching, searing pain flashed through his joints and ripped along his muscles. His anguished cries changed mid-sound to guttural growls. Moments later he advanced towards the black dog, lip curled back to reveal the sharp fangs. The two pack mates glared fiercely at each other, but with tails wagging. Each recognized the posturing of the other. Then they leaped together, pushing and wrestling with much false growling and fake gnashing of teeth. They rolled and tussled until the wolf decided enough was enough. He settled on the rug in front of the fire, whining softly until the big, black dog curled up next to him. Shortly after that, they were both asleep.
After the moon set, wolf changed back into human. As Remus lay panting and shaking on the floor, adjusting to his human senses, he felt familiar hands draping his robe around him. Sirius helped him to his feet and kept a steadying arm around him as he wobbled uncertainly to their bedroom. Remus shrugged off the robe and slid gratefully between the sheets with a sigh.
"Would you like a massage?" Sirius saw that Remus was obviously hurting, but was gratified to see those tantalizing lips curve into a sweet smile.
"Mmmm. Yes, please." Sirius straddled Remus' legs, and his warm hands kneaded across Remus' back, easing the knots under the shoulder blades. His thumbs climbed up and down the ladder of Remus' spine, and he firmly pressed along the arcs of those slender hips. Remus gradually relaxed, his lover's strong, agile fingers drawing him into a comfortable limbo between sleep and wakefulness. Eventually, he turned over, still caught between Sirius' thighs. Leisurely reaching up with both hands, he pulled his lover down, until Sirius was lying on top of him, their faces inches apart. Remus whispered slowly, his eyes teasing, "And then there are these mornings after, when you care for me, and ease my pain, and treat me with such exquisite tenderness."
A ghost of a smile played across Sirius' lips, while a spark of recognition lit his eyes. "Not very original of you, but I'll let it pass." He kissed Remus, his tongue tracing the line of Remus' lower lip. Remus' mouth opened, the tip of his tongue flicking an invitation. Their kisses deepened, tongues sliding together. Remus coiled a fistful of ebony hair in one hand, while the other pressed down at the small of Sirius' back, pulling him closer.
Remus kissed along his lover's firm jaw and his hands slid to the clasp at the front of Sirius' robes. "Paddy, take this off," he mumbled between kisses. "Stupid of you to wear clothes to bed."
Sirius shifted his weight onto his arms, letting Remus make short work of the robes' fastenings. As the offending clothing was discarded, Sirius snickered. "You're awfully frisky this morning. Must be the massage."
"Or your natural animal magnetism." Remus pulled him down again. "Make love to me, Sirius."
"You're not too tired?"
"I'm tired, but I really want to feel you on top of me. Inside of me. I want to be yours, love."
Sirius gathered Remus close to him, settling between his legs. They gazed deep into each other's eyes for a long time, moving almost imperceptibly against each other. As their arousal grew, their bodies pressed closer and their mouths locked together, tongues and lips exploring familiar territory. The pace was slow and dreamy, like floating across a gentle sea. Neither man felt the need to rush for completion. Their long, leisurely kisses were a perfect counterpoint to the languorous, easy thrusts of their hips. Remus felt he could stay like this forever, delighting in his lover's deep, unhurried, strokes and the sweet fire of his mouth and the soothing touch of his hands. They came together, with low moans that stretched into contented sighs.
Sirius shifted his body off to one side and curled spoon-fashion around Remus. Smiling, Remus leaned gratefully into the body behind him and drifted off to sleep.
END
Remus looked at the clock on the mantel in his study. Almost 5:00 in the evening. It was time for his last dose of Potion. He went down to the kitchen and found Sirius putting the cauldron over the fire. "It will heat up in a few minutes," he said, glancing at Remus, then immediately turning his attention back to the Potion. Remus crossed the room and slipped an arm around Sirius' waist, hidden today under pale gray robes.
"Sirius, have you ever given any thought about doing Potions research? You certainly have the skills."
"You know my main reason for doing well in Potions was simply to drive Snape to distraction. He's the one who has a passion for it. I'm good at following directions, but I don't think I have the talent for inventing new things. Really, all I do is follow the recipes for brewing the necessities like Wolfsbane and Hangover Cures." His lips curled in a smile. "I wonder if Muggles have any idea that the phrase "hair of the dog" actually has some application."
"I guess we're lucky we have Padfoot around to shed for us." Remus reached up with his free hand and grasped a handful of black hair. "I do hope you know a cure for baldness should Padfoot loose too much hair in his efforts to restore us to sobriety."
Sirius' smiled broadened, but kept his attention on his cauldron. Smoke began to rise off the Potion. In one deft movement, Sirius removed the cauldron from the flame and poured the steaming liquid into a goblet. Remus took the goblet and sat down at the kitchen table. He smiled, a tinge of sadness on his face. "Every time I drink this I can't help but think about Snape and the fact that he added rue to make it taste bad. "
"It's guilt by association, Remus. In his eyes, you always knew that I intended to send him into the tunnel to meet his death in a werewolf's jaws. No matter what Dumbledore tells him, I think part of him will never believe that I was the only one at fault. So, just because Albus asked him to brew this for you when you were teaching at Hogwarts didn't mean Snape had to be nice about it. Putting rue in the Wolfsbane Potion was just his way of paying you back by adding a little discomfort to your life. "
"I suppose." Remus glanced up, his gaze suddenly serious. "Would you sit down for a while? I need to talk to you."
"Drink that Potion first." Sirius instructed in a voice that brooked no argument.
Remus polished off the smoking brew. Then, his eyes never leaving Sirius', he nodded to the chair across from him. Sirius sat down, his arms resting on the table, sensing where the conversation would lead. Remus drew in a deep breath and began.
"I've been thinking all day about what I want to say to you. It'll be hard for me to get through, so I'd appreciate it if you won't interrupt me." Sirius nodded.
"Alright then. About last night, and the other nights like it. I understand why you goad me to hurt you. I know you're trying to spare me the pain I go through when I transform. I understand that you do it because you love me, and, believe me, I don't have words to express how deeply your sacrifice touches me."
"Sirius, you are my greatest treasure, and to live with you, to see you every day, to share my life with you, when I had come to believe I'd never feel such joy or comfort or love again, means more to me than I can begin to describe. After years of living in desolation, I'm once again in paradise. But, I never forget what I am. I am a werewolf. I am dangerous and deadly."
"And this uncontrolled, ravaging sex only reinforces that for me. I've struggled all my life to beat this beast into submission. And now, you've discovered a way to release it and I end up forcing you into submission instead. I abhor that. It goes against all the anguish, all the blood, all the efforts I've put in to conquering this. My lifetime of struggle can be swept away by your kiss, by the touch of your hand, by the mere sight of you spread across the bed."
Remus looked down at his hands, watched his fingers twist themselves together in a small snake pit of anguish. He continued, his voice muted, but tinged with shame. "You're right, you know. Those nights.I love how it feels. I love when you struggle against me, twisting and writhing, all your muscles straining, trying to break my grip on you. I love overpowering you, forcing you to lie still so I can do whatever I want to you. I want you to fight me, so that when I finally fuck you, when I ram my cock inside you, I want you to feel impaled and helpless and at my mercy. Nothing compares to the fevered, glorious rush I get when I master you."
He raised his eyes back to Sirius' face, the hurt like shards of glass in his gaze. "And I thirst to see you surrender to me, your hands lying open on the sheets, your body now mine to turn and mold and position in any way I choose. I want so much to possess you. I want to mark you with my teeth and my hands. I want to prove to you that you're mine, that I own you. I want you to be vulnerable, defenseless. I want you to grant control of your body to me, to offer your throat to my teeth, to expose every tender bit of flesh to whatever I wish to do."
Remus stopped, his breathing ragged. Sirius' lips parted, but Remus quickly held up a hand, forestalling his response. He continued, his voice wavering. "Yes, I love doing what I do to you. At the time. But I feel sick the next day because what I have done is nothing short of desecration. And I would never, ever do that, unless the wolf drives me to it. Don't you see, Sirius? When I lose all control like that, it means I've lost the battle. The battle I've fought all my life. The wolf wins. It's bad enough to become a werewolf one night a month. It's worse if I act like that when I'm still human. I become the monster and I do monstrous things. My humanity disappears and all I am is a creature that should be caged with the strongest steel."
Remus paused, his eyes screwed shut, until he regained his composure. Then, looking up, hazel eyes locked with pale blue. "Sirius Black, I love you so very much. You are the diamond bright star that blazes like a beacon in my deepest nights. You are the glowing palette of dawn that banishes my darkest nightmares. All that I know of heaven is embodied in you here on earth. And when I wake up on mornings like today, I look at you and feel like I've raped you. The physical pain I go through when I transform is so much easier for me to deal with than the emotional pain I feel when I see what I've done to you. Please.please don't goad me into hurting you anymore. Please let me suffer pain I can bear. Please."
Remus finally stopped speaking. He stared at Sirius, knowing that the ultimate control in this situation rested in his lover's decision. Sirius stared back, and what he saw were eyes from long ago, in their dorm at Hogwarts. Weary, old eyes in the face of a young boy who gamely fought an affliction he could never defeat. Hurt, pained eyes staring unblinkingly at his friends when he realized they had discovered his dark secret, while he waited for them to chase him away because he was a monster. Something had shifted in young Sirius' soul all those years ago. He had realized with perfect clarity, and wisdom beyond his years that, for his lifetime, he would do anything in his power to drive that look out of those golden, hazel eyes.
Sirius reached out and grasped Remus' hands. "Yes, you can be dangerous and deadly. So can I. You can lose control. So can I. You are taken over by the wolf once a month. I can lose control anywhere, any time, given the right circumstances, while supposedly keeping my humanity. Which of us is the real monster?" He smiled ruefully. "We've circled around this argument for years without resolving it. I guess it's one of those threads that binds couples together."
Sirius raised their clasped hands to his lips, placing a gentle kiss on his lover's wrist. "You spent so many years alone, with all of your support gone. And that was my fault."
"No, it wasn't. You didn't -"
"Yes, I did. My decisions, no matter how well meaning, were disastrous for so many people. I know you've forgiven me for that, but I still feel responsible. I need to try to make it up to people. Sometimes I get it right. And sometimes, I still act too precipitously and do what is right for me, but what is wrong for others. I thought that, in some small measure, this could help pay back some of what I owe you. I'm sorry, Remus. All I ever wanted was to help you, but since this comes at too high a price, then of course I will do as you ask."
Remus' grip tightened even as his body relaxed. "Thank you."
One month later.
Remus paced distractedly across his study. 4:05. Still a while to go before it was time to take the last dose of Potion for this month. He was tired, not having slept well the previous night in the spare bedroom. Glancing at the chaos on his desk, he had trouble remembering exactly what he had been working on today. Well, he'd sort it out tomorrow. At least, in few hours, Padfoot would join him and his isolation would be over. That would make him feel better.
It had felt very odd keeping himself away from Sirius over the last day. He had tried to draw some comfort from the knowledge that Sirius was downstairs or out in the garden and not very far away. However, Remus had expended a lot of energy trying to focus on work and not on how much he hated keeping himself shut away. Last night was the worst. Lying alone in the spare room without the warmth and weight of Sirius lying next to him had been almost unbearable. Of course, thinking of Sirius sprawled in bed had aroused him enough to send him down the hall towards the master bedroom. He had forced himself to stop and go back to his lonely bed, his hand sliding down to curl around his erection. He had pleasured himself mechanically, wondering why Sirius' hand felt so much better than his own. But, ultimately, he succeeded in keeping his distance.
As moonrise approached Remus pushed some of the furniture in the study back against the walls, creating a space great enough to give two large canines a place to play without banging into anything. Remus began to feel the first twitches of the change as Sirius entered the room, locking the door behind him. "Alright, Moony?"
Remus shuddered a bit and nodded. "Change, Sirius." Padfoot instantly appeared, his head tilted to one side as he watched Remus remove his clothing. "And stop staring at me, you pervert!" Padfoot merely regarded him with an open-mouthed, tongue-lolling, doggy grin. Then Remus' vision darkened as the wrenching, searing pain flashed through his joints and ripped along his muscles. His anguished cries changed mid-sound to guttural growls. Moments later he advanced towards the black dog, lip curled back to reveal the sharp fangs. The two pack mates glared fiercely at each other, but with tails wagging. Each recognized the posturing of the other. Then they leaped together, pushing and wrestling with much false growling and fake gnashing of teeth. They rolled and tussled until the wolf decided enough was enough. He settled on the rug in front of the fire, whining softly until the big, black dog curled up next to him. Shortly after that, they were both asleep.
After the moon set, wolf changed back into human. As Remus lay panting and shaking on the floor, adjusting to his human senses, he felt familiar hands draping his robe around him. Sirius helped him to his feet and kept a steadying arm around him as he wobbled uncertainly to their bedroom. Remus shrugged off the robe and slid gratefully between the sheets with a sigh.
"Would you like a massage?" Sirius saw that Remus was obviously hurting, but was gratified to see those tantalizing lips curve into a sweet smile.
"Mmmm. Yes, please." Sirius straddled Remus' legs, and his warm hands kneaded across Remus' back, easing the knots under the shoulder blades. His thumbs climbed up and down the ladder of Remus' spine, and he firmly pressed along the arcs of those slender hips. Remus gradually relaxed, his lover's strong, agile fingers drawing him into a comfortable limbo between sleep and wakefulness. Eventually, he turned over, still caught between Sirius' thighs. Leisurely reaching up with both hands, he pulled his lover down, until Sirius was lying on top of him, their faces inches apart. Remus whispered slowly, his eyes teasing, "And then there are these mornings after, when you care for me, and ease my pain, and treat me with such exquisite tenderness."
A ghost of a smile played across Sirius' lips, while a spark of recognition lit his eyes. "Not very original of you, but I'll let it pass." He kissed Remus, his tongue tracing the line of Remus' lower lip. Remus' mouth opened, the tip of his tongue flicking an invitation. Their kisses deepened, tongues sliding together. Remus coiled a fistful of ebony hair in one hand, while the other pressed down at the small of Sirius' back, pulling him closer.
Remus kissed along his lover's firm jaw and his hands slid to the clasp at the front of Sirius' robes. "Paddy, take this off," he mumbled between kisses. "Stupid of you to wear clothes to bed."
Sirius shifted his weight onto his arms, letting Remus make short work of the robes' fastenings. As the offending clothing was discarded, Sirius snickered. "You're awfully frisky this morning. Must be the massage."
"Or your natural animal magnetism." Remus pulled him down again. "Make love to me, Sirius."
"You're not too tired?"
"I'm tired, but I really want to feel you on top of me. Inside of me. I want to be yours, love."
Sirius gathered Remus close to him, settling between his legs. They gazed deep into each other's eyes for a long time, moving almost imperceptibly against each other. As their arousal grew, their bodies pressed closer and their mouths locked together, tongues and lips exploring familiar territory. The pace was slow and dreamy, like floating across a gentle sea. Neither man felt the need to rush for completion. Their long, leisurely kisses were a perfect counterpoint to the languorous, easy thrusts of their hips. Remus felt he could stay like this forever, delighting in his lover's deep, unhurried, strokes and the sweet fire of his mouth and the soothing touch of his hands. They came together, with low moans that stretched into contented sighs.
Sirius shifted his body off to one side and curled spoon-fashion around Remus. Smiling, Remus leaned gratefully into the body behind him and drifted off to sleep.
END