Where was I...?

Oh, unforgiving darkness, why do you mock me so? Would that I could fall back into your welcoming embrace this very moment so you might conceal me from everything as you have my whole life! But no... I have fought you in the one hope of being set free as a mere mortal should be and won! Do not seduce me with your tantalizing peace and protection from the world, for I am a man...in flesh and blood if not in mere spirit, tortured soul that it might be. I can no longer cling to you and hide behind your dark skirts like a child. I must leave this state of unconsciousness, no matter how I long to remain with you, dark mistress of mine...


My eyes opened, and I was forced to shut them again at the sudden burst of light that flooded over me. Though the black behind the shield of my eyelids had turned a bloody red, I could still feel the darkness of unconsciousness lurking and threatening nearby. Again I pried my eyes opened and it took a long moment for them to focus... But once they did, the memories came flooding back to me like a whirlpool of twisted and tangled emotions.


The wine shop was suddenly 'attacked' by students, workers, men, and women alike, just having returned from Lamarque's funeral. Crys of rage and 'Vive la Rpublique!' pulsed through my head in angry torrents of pain. I looked down upon the mob as they began to take anything and everything apart that they could find, in order to build their large symbolical structure...the barricade. And not just one barricade but two! They were prepared to live, fight, and die in order to gain their freedom! I could not make sense of it all...and yet here it was, just as Enjolras had said it would be.

In my drunken stupor I began to cry out loudly, though what I said I cannot remember, Everything around me was one big blur where colors became sounds, noise became images, and feelings took solid form...

Suddenly though, through all these crazed and morbid sensations, I perceived one thing in my hazed vision that was painstakingly clear...Enjolras! He stood like some form of Greek god, yet instead of his perch being precious grounds, his was a ruddy barricade. As he turned his face upward, his deep eyes locking upon me, I had to raise my hand to clutch at my chest, lest my heart burst at the sight.

His hair, the envy of the most precious gold, had come loose of it's normal ponytail at the nape of his neck and blew about his proud and dignified face in the misty wind. His expression, so solemn and serious, remained determined throughout everything. Both fists were clenched firmly at his side, one holding his carbine in a prepared stance. He was perfection itself! Everything I could ever dream or long to become was started and finished in this man.

All these thoughts flew through my mind in a mere fragment of a second. The next thing I heard was the perfect, bold voice coming from this grand work of art and I had to strain in order to listen to it as it called above all the others.

"Grantaire," he cried in his voice like thunder. "Go sleep yourself sober away from here! This is the place for intoxication not drunkenness. Do not dishonor the barricade!"

My eyes widened in shock and my grip over my heart tightened. 'Do not dishonor the barriacde' he had said. The barricade and revolution were as much a part of this man as his own spirit...so what he truly meant was, 'do not dishonor me!' Had I truly dishonored the one person in my entire life that I cared for and looked up to? The very thought made me stagger a bit, and I was forced to sink down into a chair.

"Let me sleep here!" I called down to him in a pleading voice.

The magnificent man shook his head firmly and I perceived his eyes narrowing in that way he did to display disgust. "Go sleep elsewhere." He commanded me with a sweep of his strong hand.

"Let me sleep here!" I repeated, my voice now no more than a persecuted childs. The equivalent of what might have been a sob rose from my breast and a finished weakly, "Until I die here!"

I saw Enjolras' chest fill with a slow, yet deep, intake of breath. He tilted his head inward just a bit, as he always did when speaking to me. "Grantaire, you are incapable of belief, of thought, of will, of life, and of death!"

His words, spoken so coldly and with such horrid loathe...hurt me! I had always accepted Enjolras ways as who he simply was and I never backed down on him, nor hated him for it. But now, what he said actually took its hold upon me...and hurt me! It would have caused me less pain if he had taken a bayonet and thrust it through my heart! Yet would he not allow me that one spark of kindness? No... No, he had to allow me this torture I deserved.

My lower lip began to tremble just a bit, and a thin layer of tears blurred my already hazy vision. From the very depths of my heart, my soul, and my chest I heaved a loud and ragged sob. Collapsing on the table I buried my face in my arms, the pain too excruciating to bear! I wept bitterly until finally the darkness once again claimed me as her own...

Now here I lay, sprawled across the very table I had cried upon. The smell of gun smoke and the strange and eerie silence had awakened me...yet I remained perfectly still for I know something was wrong. The only movement I allowed myself was soft, shallow breaths and quick glances of my eyes as I fought to register my dark surroundings fully. The only thing I could see was the billiard table that blocked my view from anything else and I cursed under my breath.

Suddenly though, a loud voice broke through that silence which had been such a tortureful curse. A voice that caused my blood to run as cold as ice. "Take aim!"

I all but gasped in shock as I sat bolt upright, the room spinning a bit at this sudden movement. Backs to me, were about ten of the National Guards, their muskets raised and aimed upon the proud figure of...Enjolras! He stood with his arms folded firmly across his chest, his held higher than I had ever seen, and his eyes locked fixedly upon the barrels of the muskets.

'No! Stop! You don't know what you're doing!' I longed to call out, but my very breath failed me as I watched in absolute horror. What was I to do? I could not just sit here and allow them to kill him! No matter what he had ever done to me, I still believed in all this man was and could not allow him to be taken from me.

Then, in that very moment that I looked upon Enjolras proud and ready face I knew exactly what I must do...

"Vive la Republique, I belong to it!" I cried out loudly as I rose from the table. I saw all faces turn to me, even Enjolras, with a look of pure surprise. I crossed the room with a knowing step and again the words fell from my lips like the sweetest honey. "Vive la Republique!"

Moving to stand beside Enjolras who watched me carefully I narrowed my eyes upon the other men. "Two at one shot." I whispered icily, in a surge of adrenaline and courage that I did not know I had. Then, turning to look at Enjolras almost pleadingly I murmured softly, "Will you permit it?"

In that very moment, our eyes locking upon each other's, I saw a very soft smile cross his lips. In his eyes I could read his pride and...my own acceptance! His hand, so callused and worn, took mine in a firm grasp and I perceived an ever so light nod of his respect. My eyes filled again with tears...

Suddenly the shots rang out and I felt two bullets pierce my already throbbing heart. I gasped quickly at the pain, falling to my knees before Enjolras as his own form backed against the wall. I raised my eyes upward with a ragged breath from my chest as Enjolras hand tightened about mine in his final moment of life. He looked down and our eyes met again for the briefest of moments....

Then, the darkness again consumed me....