Chapter 6: Witchy Reflections

Some days later, Buffy made her way to the Magic Box, yawning and stretching before she entered. She was exhausted. She hadn't gotten that much sleep lately. In between spending most of the night at Spike's crypt then rushing home in the early hours of morning, Buffy had little time for sleep. Oh well, she thought. Don't need much sleep. One of the virtues of being a slayer. She walked into the Magic Shop with an unusual dopey face and noticed only Tara there, her head buried in a book.

"Hey Tara," she said lightly. "Whatcha doin?"

"Oh hey Buffy." Tara looked up in her usual bashful manner. "I'm just researching what might have caused the diamond theft a couple weeks ago. It has the indication of demonic involvement, with the freezing and stuff, but it could just as soon be a freeze gun or something technological like that."

"A diamond theft on the Hellmouth is like petty theft in Alcatraz," Buffy sighed, still stretching and maintaining the same blissful smile caused by all the bad wrong lusty thoughts she was thinking . . . over who else? She could still taste the tobacco on her tongue from his mouth "We should take a break and wait for more dire things." She paused. "Where's Anya?"

"Oh she and Xander are in the back 'doing inventory'." Tara laughed softly while making little quote movements with her hands. "Although it sounds like they're getting a little too excited over the Orbs of Hebrakhash."

Buffy grimaced, upset that that particular visual picture got in the way of all her lusty thoughts. "Gotcha." She sat next to Tara. "So what's up with you?"

"Oh nothing." Tara never knew how to answer questions like that. "How's Willow?" she asked softly.

Buffy shrugged. "She's better. Dawn is finally talking to her a bit, but I think a little bribery from me helped. All in all, the sullen-faced sibling, the slayer and the gay, Jewish witch make the all-American family."

Tara smiled. "I'm glad. And I'm glad that you seem so much better lately."

Buffy smiled in turn. "Yeah," she agreed. "I am. With things at home calmed down and with the minimum of demonic activity, things are going pretty good."

Things had been going good. She felt less and less angry and broken over her death and resurrection everyday. Spike had been a large part of that. She had been filled to the brim with him, and all these feelings that poured out of her previously lifeless body. Now that she mostly accepted him, at least for the moment, as something that was normal in her life, it had been so unexpectedly sweet, so cute between them. She could let her inhibitions fall away with him, and there was only animalistic need and desire. But along with that, she let herself be affectionate too. He could so easily turn from a raging, seductive lover to a childish puppy, one that lapped up kisses and played with her hair and skin in the afterglow and she loved that side of him. She would never admit that, of course, but she showed him through her actions, in the way a soft smile would play across her lips as she twirled her fingers through his tousled hair or in the soft manner she would sometimes kiss his him while they made love. It was getting harder to leave in the morning and pretend that nothing happened the whole day until she felt her body tense then relax at sunset.

"And with Spike taking more care of Dawn, I have more time to work and relax. I'm looking for a job."

Tara visibly stiffened when she heard Spike's name. "Oh really? That's . . . um . . . great. I, uh, I got to go in the back to look up a book."

"Wait, Tara." Buffy grabbed Tara's arm as she stood up, hearing the change in her voice. "What's wrong?"

"What? Nothing Buffy, nothing's wrong." She didn't sound very convincing.

"Yes there is. You changed . . . suddenly, when I mentioned Spike. Do you have a problem with him Tara?"

"No—no Buffy it's not that---"

"Then what is it?" Buffy started to get annoyed. "I've been getting this really weird vibe from you lately and I want to know what's going on."

Tara sighed. She hated how awkward this was making her feel. She was already used to being sort of an oddfellow in the group, but she didn't need them suspecting her of anything.

"Okay . . . I'll tell you. The thing is Buffy . . . I've been getting a weird vibe from you."

Buffy frowned. "From me? What makes you think that?"

Tara stood up and started pacing. "You know how I told you about how I can see people's life energy --- their aura?"

"Yeah . . ." Buffy said hesitantly. "That's how you could tell about me and Faith, switching bodies."

"Right. Well since you got back I haven't been able to see yours---which is completely understandable," Tara rushed to say, seeing Buffy' widened eyes. "With what happened to you and stuff. An experience like that leaves a person needing time to recuperate. Anyway, lately, I have been able to see it again."

"Which is good . . ." Buffy reasoned.

"Y-yeah. I-its' chock full of the good. It's just that, well when you and S-Spike are together, your aura. . . it's i-incredibly intense."

Buffy stiffened with fear at the realization of what she meant. "What are you trying to say Tara?"

Tara breathed deeply. "Well when you touched Spike the other day, I could see this sudden rush of energy flow through the both of you. Energy flow like that passes between people who are really. . .connected." She smiled. "I used to be able to see that kind energy between me and Willow. She couldn't though, she hadn't fine-tuned her energy-perception skills as well." Her face fell when discussing Willow. "What I'm trying to say is . . . Buffy, are you and S-S-Spike . . . ?"

"No!" Buffy sputtered as she tried to calm her breathing. "There is n-no 'me and Spike'. There is 'me' singular and 'Spike' singular, but not 'me and Spike'. NO conjunction!"

Tara cocked her head puzzledly. "Are you sure Buffy, because I've rarely seen such an intense energy flow between two people."

"Of course I'm sure! I think I would know about my own love life wouldn't I?" Buffy looked down at Tara's patient eyes. Not the alarmed eyes she imagined Willow having or the bulging, horrified eyes she knew Xander would have. Tara's eyes were compassionate. Non-judgmental. And Buffy had wanted to tell somebody. It had been taking over her heart so fully that she wanted to share.

"We slept together." Buffy looked down at her pink heels. She looked up again at Tara. Uh-oh. Not good eyes anymore. Bad eyes. Horror-stricken, shocked eyes. Dammit. She knew she shouldn't have told.

"Buffy! How did this happen?"

"Ummm, I think the proper question would be 'How many times did this happen?'." More gasps.

"Buffy . . . I-I don't know what to say."

"Just promise me you won't tell the others," Buffy rushed towards Tara, eyes pleading.

"Of course I wouldn't," Tara shook her head emphatically. "But—why? Why don't you want them to know?"

Buffy sighed. "God . . . I don't know, I guess I keep thinking that they'll be ashamed of me. I mean . . . its Spike."

Tara went over to encourage the Slayer. "You're afraid that we would judge you? We're your friends, how could we? And it's not like we can all boast of conventional relationships too, y'know. I mean, look at me and Willow. Two lesbian witches, not something you see everyday. And Xander. I mean, he's engaged to an ex-demon. Who's still kind of loopy anyway. And from what I heard from Willow, Xander was never one for normal relationships. Mummy girl? Faith? Cordelia?"

"Yeah, Buffy reflected. "But the difference there is that they all had souls. Spike . . . he's a souless vampire. Me world-saving Slayer. You can kind of see the taboo?"

Just then, no one noticed Spike slipping in, by way of the back entrance. He was trying to find Buffy and give her back her, ehhhm, brasserie she had rushedly left that morning. Face it, Spike wanted to find any excuse to see Buffy, it was becoming too hard to sit around all day, in impatient expectation of the night. Hearing Tara and Buffy talk about apparently him . . . oh how fun was chick gossip, he amusedly ducked into the hall and stood to listen. While listening he reflected on the past few days.

It had been heaven. Never in his existence, both alive and undead, was he so happy. The death of the first slayer was probably the second happiest moment, but being a romantic at heart, how could Spike compare love and death? He had been obsessed with Buffy for years and pined for her all last year. It had given him nothing but pain, because he expected nothing but rejection. But now . . . to have her in his arms every night, seeing the same gleam of desire and lust in her eyes that he felt, he could nearly feel his lifeless heart beat with joy. It had been totally different with Drusilla. Bitch made him suffer as well, but whenever he touched her, he felt a chill run up his spine and his love was always mixed with pity and paternalism. With Buffy, it was completely different. He could never feel cold in her presence, not with the heat of her body consuming him. And he never had to worry about taking care of her. She was strong and fierce, and it was more than apparent in their lovemaking.

"I mean, it's . . . Spike. Spike, the one who has tried to kill my friends and me for years. How could the rest of the Scoobies accept him?" Spike turned his attention out of his thoughts and back to Buffy and Tara's conversation.

"Well, does it matter? Does what we matter what we think? I mean, if you actually care about Spike, it doesn't matter about us. Do you Buffy? Care about him I mean?"

Spike stiffened. He heard Buffy sigh. Talking to Tara like this made Buffy realize that she was back in the real world now, not the discreet sanctuary of Spike's crypt, where time stood still, and she had a chance to forget all the rest of the others. Talking to Tara made Buffy think about her relationship with Spike in real time, and suddenly all the old fears and defenses were brought back up. To say it aloud made the whole thing with Spike seem all the more ridiculous. And all the more dangerous.

"No." She said, hesitantly, but firmly.

Spike felt like someone had plunged a stake into his chest. "I mean . . . I don't know." Buffy gazed guiltily into her hands. "That would be so not kosher wouldn't it?"

Tara shrugged. "Who can tell you what's kosher when it's your heart your dealing with?"

"But it's Spike." Bloody bitch keeps saying that, Spike thought tensely. He rushed closer to the door to hear better. "It's too weird and---twisted. Angel was weird enough and looked how that turned out. But Spike . . . a souless vampire."

"Look, I didn't know Angel, but I heard about him. And I only heard the brief details. I do know some of the things he did to you, and Buffy . . ." Tara sighed. "You can't let that affect your relationships with others."

BLOODY RIGHT, Spike thought. I half like the Wicca, smart bint she is.

"That's not what this is about." Buffy looked her dangerously in the eyes, but Tara pushed further.

"Isn't it? You and I have no doubt that Spike is a good guy. He stayed those months you were gone and helped all of us out. He took such good care of Dawnie and was nice to all of us---even Xander." A soft smile played across Tara's face. "I mean, I really always had a soft spot for Spike. Him helping me with my family and all. So this isn't a debate about Spike's virtues."

Buffy was surprised at Tara's sudden articulateness and stubborn clarity. "Who are you and what have you done with Tara?"

Tara grinned. "The fact is that getting into another relationship with a vampire scares you."

"Well I know that. Vampiric relationships don't come around too often. Out of all the romance columns in Cosmo's you rarely see one saying 'Love Bites: The True Stories of a Girl and her Undead Boy Toy'."

"But that's not why you're afraid of pursuing a relationship with Spike."

""What pursuing? Who said anything about pursuing? There will be no pursuance." Shut your bloody gob and listen to Blondie! Spike wanted to scream as he clenched his fists.

"You're not afraid of the strangeness of a vampire love interest," Tara continued. "You're afraid that that vampire love interest would be exactly the same as your previous vampire love interest. You're afraid he'll turn into Angel."

"Why would I be afraid of that? Angel had a soul. Angel was good."

"No. It's not that. You're afraid that Spike will get tired of you and leave you, just like Angel."

Buffy paused. She shook her head. "You're way off base, Tara."

"Am I? Face it Buffy, Angel has been stopping you from having relationships with others, not only Spike. Riley for instance."

Buffy shook her head again, stronger this time. "That's was completely different."

"You shut him out Buffy. You shut him out because the only other person you truly loved shut you out. And you didn't want to get hurt like that again. And now, Spike. You're doing the same exact thing." Tara walked right up to Buffy. "I know he truly loves you. We all do. Did you know that after everything was done, he was the only one of us besides Giles to regret bringing you back?"

"What?" Buffy cocked in her head in confusion. Yeah right, he was probably all for it. That way he could go back to stalking me, just like before.

"He knew the chances that something like . . . like what happened to you could be. And he would have rather keep you dead then let you go through that much."

Almost simultaneously, Spike and Buffy's eyes filled with tears.

"Really?" Buffy whispered, forgetting to put up her defenses.

"Really. He loves you so much, Buffy. And that scares you also. You're afraid of the fact that Spike could love you in a way that Angel never could. That he can love you, even without a soul."

Buffy breathed deeply. Since when did Tara become all intuitive? Although she was pleasantly surprised by this new, confident Tara, at this moment she wanted back the old stammering one. Spike, on the other hand, decided right after this, he was going to pilfer the largest gift he could find and leave it on Tara's doorstep later.

"I don't know," Buffy sighed. "Even though . . . all that could be true," she tensed every time she had to admit to something she had been pushing deep down, "It's still so many level of wrongness that I can't count."

Spike could feel everything stop when she said that. All he could feel was rage boil within. GAHH, couldn't the soddin' bitch ever make up her mind? Every time we take a step forward, she takes two bloody steps back! He backed up against the door of the stock room and rammed his fist against it. Buffy and Tara thought it was just Anya and Xander, making with their strange mating habits.

"HEY SPIKE!" Xander exclaimed as he heard the bustle and rushed outside to see who caused it. "What are the sorry likes of you doing here?" Buffy stiffened when she heard that. Oh God no, she thought. Please tell me he wasn't listening to all that. Spike sheepishly entered the room with Xander grasping onto his duster collar. "Look at what the Xan-man just dragged in." Xander said proudly. Spike turned to look in Buffy's eyes and she could tell that he had been there to hear all of it. The flash of anger mixed with hurt made Buffy feel a pit settle at the bottom of her stomach. "And look he's brought something. Is it . . . hey! Someone's unmentionables!"

"I'll ask you to lay off my property, Harris," Spike growled, never taking his eyes off of Buffy's.

"Since when did you don frilly-laced pink underwires, Spike?'

"Hey those are Buffy's!" Anya exclaimed, rearranging her skirt and shirt, all slightly askew.

"What huh?" Buffy broke off the piercing glance she held with Spike. "Oh yeah," she said half-heartedly. "Those are mine."

"Can we all say 'pervert'?" Xander said although he turned his attention back to the bra. "Wait---ho, those are yours?" His eyes glazed over with excitement until Anya swiftly elbowed him in the ribs. "Although your underwear is so much more seductive sweetie," he reassured her. "But um, GROSS. What are you doing with Buffy's underwear? You're not starting the whole obsession thing again are you, because that was all kinds of freaky." He looked quizzically at the calm Buffy. "Well come on, Buffy, tell him!"

"What huh? Oh." Buffy tried to put on her best angry face although it was a bit strained. "Bad, bad Spike. How many times do I have to tell you to stop stealing my stuff? It's . . . bad." She tried to look Spike in the eyes, but couldn't stand to see the raw hurt still lingering there.

"THAT'S IT?" Xander asked incredulously. "He steals your lingerie for his dirty, sex-offenderish purposes and you don't even rough him up a bit? I think it's time for me to open a can of specially-formulated vampire whoop ass."

"Piss off, Harris," Spike said, throwing the bra on the table. "I'll show myself out. He grabbed his old blanket and headed for the door. Buffy could feel herself start to shake. Tara looked over at her, concerned.

"And don't come back, you understand?" Xander couldn't help adding, grabbing Spike's arm roughly.

"Unless we can help fulfil your occult needs!" Anya called from the register, not wanting to risk another customer.

"Yeah," Spike said, not bothering to hide the sadness that drained into his voice as he looked over at Buffy again. "I understand completely." He rushed off. Buffy stood, shocked and saddened and Xander and Anya couldn't understand when Tara went up to place her hands on Buffy's shoulder for comfort