After going outside, and cleaning off with the hose, they decided to order
a pizza (considering all the ingredients were on their clothes), and pick
it up on the way back from Shawn's house.
Abigail had changed into a long, blue patchwork skirt, a white, tie- shoulder, tank top, with 'dream-girl' written on it in diamond-studs, and black, platform, slip on boots.
"I'm never gonna look at whipped cream the same way again..." she laughed.
"Me either..." Shawn smiled, unlocking his door. "That was fun, though."
"Yeah it was..." Abigail smiled, wondering if Shawn was thinking about Angela.
For once, he wasn't. His mind was totally on Abigail. She looked beautiful, and he'd had more fun with her than he'd ever had with anyone. He smiled at her. "I'll be right back, make yourself comfortable..." he squished into his bedroom, in his wet work boots.
Abigail looked at a picture on his table. "This must be Angela..." she flipped it over. 'To my Shawnie baby, Yours always, Angela,' she read. "Lucky you..." she sighed, and set the picture back on the table.
Shawn walked out of his bedroom in a pale blue, short sleeved, button up shirt, with a wife beater underneath, baggy blue jeans, and black combat boots. He stopped in his tracks when he saw his poetry notebook, sitting on the table in front of Abigail. "You...didn't read that...did you?" he asked, nervously.
"Of course not." She reassured him. "I wouldn't do that without asking you."
"Thanks," he sat beside her, and continued wrapping the fresh bandage he was putting on. "Those are pretty private..."
"It's ok," Abigail smiled. "I write a lot too..." she nodded. "And, I don't show anyone either..."
"I might just bring this with me..." Shawn grabbed the book, and set it on top of his sweatpants and t-shirt that he always wore to bed, and the outfit he'd chosen for the next day. "Never know when I'll get inspired..."
"Yeah..." Abigail sighed. She'd never written a poem until she met Shawn. He'd made her reach deeper into herself, and find emotions no one could find before.
"Shall we go?" he stood up.
"Sure..." she stood up.
***
It was a very silent car ride. It was almost as if someone had emptied Abigail's brain, and taken all the sweet things she wanted to say to Shawn away from her. She wanted to tell Shawn that she couldn't live without him. She wanted to tell him that her heart was breaking, and she couldn't stand knowing that he didn't want her the way she wanted him. She ran her hand through her hair, and watched the cars go by.
"Abigail, are you ok?" Shawn asked. "You seem, kind of...distracted..."
"Huh?" Abigail looked at Shawn. "Oh, I'm just thinking. You know how hard that is for people like me..." she winked. "It is too quiet in here, though. What do you say to a little music?"
"Sure..." Shawn smiled at her. "You like Incubus?"
"Yeah, they're my favorite band." she nodded.
"Mine too," Shawn pushed the Incubus CD into his CD player.
Abigail tuned out the music, and kept thinking. What if she'd never have Shawn? What if Shawn and Angela were really meant to be?
"Do you want me to go in and get the pizza?" Shawn asked.
"I'll go, if you wanna stay here..." Abigail shrugged. "I don't care."
"I'll go in..." Shawn stood up. "I'll pay for it too..." he took his last bit of cash out of his pocket.
"I can pay for it..." Abigail told him.
"I know, I just want to..." Shawn smiled at her.
"Ok..." Abigail closed her eyes, and went into deep thought again.
***
Abigail sighed. Shawn was sitting on the love seat in her room, writing in his poetry book, with a piece of pizza in front of him. It was as though he was in his own world, not even noticing she was there. She stood up, and walked out onto her balcony.
Shawn looked up, just to look at Abigail for inspiration, and saw her out the window on the balcony. 'What's she doing out there?' he asked himself. He walked to the door, and listened. His heart practically broke in two when he heard her crying. "Abigail..." he walked up to her. "Abigail, are you ok?" he hugged her to him. "What's the matter?"
"You wouldn't understand..." she cried. "Or, you would, but you'll be mad at me..."
"I could never be mad at you, Abigail..." Shawn touched her cheek. "Please tell me?"
"Promise you're not gonna get mad at me?" Abigail asked.
"Have I done something wrong?" he asked.
"No..." she sighed. "Well...kinda, yeah. But, just promise you won't get mad at me...?"
"I won't, I promise," Shawn looked concerned. "What's wrong?"
"I...I kinda feel like you're playing with my heart..." she looked into his eyes. "I mean, I know you care about me. But then, you love Angela, and you're waiting for her. I'm not saying that's wrong. Because it's not, I mean, I think it's really sweet. But I just wish you would choose. I don't want to make you choose me, because I want you to be happy. But, I just wish there was something I could do to sway your choice." She paused. "I love you, Shawn. And losing you, I feel, would be like losing part of me."
Shawn was overwhelmed. Not even Angela had said anything like that to him. He pushed a stray strand of Abigail's hair behind her ear, and said, "Abigail, it's not that I don't love you. You are amazing, and I do love you. But, yes, I'm waiting for Angela. I don't want to choose, because you and Angela are both the most amazing women I've ever met. I've been so scared that Angela would find someone new. I think that's the reason I'm not acting on my feelings for you. Because I'm afraid that as soon as I do, Angela will come back, and then I'll choose her, and hurt you even more. I never want to do that, Abigail."
She started tearing up again. "I know, and that's so sweet. For that whole reason, and don't take this the wrong way, but, for that reason I wish I'd never met you."
"I'm glad we met," Shawn smiled. "I know that if Angela doesn't come back, I never have to worry about being alone."
Abigail looked a little upset. "Is that all I am?" she asked. "A way not to be alone, if Angela doesn't come back?"
"No, Abigail. I didn't mean it like that at all..." Shawn ran his fingers through her hair. "You are the most amazing person I've ever met."
"Except Angela..." she sighed.
Shawn sighed. "Abigail," he wrapped his arms around her. "You have to understand..." he touched her hair. "I mean, you don't know this, but Angela and I broke up about a year before she left, because she was afraid she'd leave me, or I'd leave her. The only one able to get us back together was her father. I don't want her to be right. I don't want to leave her. But, I don't want to hurt you either. You deserve to be happy, too. I don't think both of us can be pleased, this time..." he sighed.
"So, should it be over before it starts?" Abigail asked.
"Well, no..." Shawn pulled her close. "What if Angela doesn't come back?"
"I feel like you're using me, Shawn..." she looked at him, hurt.
"I'm not, Abbi..." he shook his head. "I couldn't do that to you..."
"Can you, like, clarify how you feel? 'Cause I'm getting mixed signals..." Abigail half-smiled.
"What do you mean, how I feel?" Shawn asked.
"Like, do you feel the same as I do, or not?" she asked.
"Yeah, I do..." he shrugged. "But..."
"I know, please don't say it..." Abigail looked away from him.
"I still wanna spend as much time together as we can, though. This feeling is so strong..." Shawn kissed her forehead.
"It'll hurt so much more, Shawn..." Tears streaked Abigail's cheeks. "I mean, I do love you, so much. But I really hate this feeling I have in the pit of my stomach that something is going to go wrong..."
"Abbi," Shawn pulled her to him. "Look at me..."
Abigail turned her head toward Shawn, but wouldn't look into his eyes. She faced her eyes right above his, so it looked as though she was looking into them. "What?" she sounded angry. "What is it?"
Shawn was a little surprised at her tone. "Abbi, what's wrong?" he asked. "Did I do something?"
"Figure it out, genius!" she pushed away from him. "I just poured my HEART out, and you don't even GET it!" she screamed, still crying. "Damn it, Shawn..." she fell to the ground in tears. "Why can't I have what Angela has over you?" she asked. "That's all I want..."
Shawn stood Abigail up. "Abigail, look at me..." he held her forearms. "You wanna know the real reason I'm not going further with this?" he asked, getting frustrated.
Abigail looked at him. "Yes..." she scowled.
"Because you deserve better than I can give!" he had an angry look on his face, but compassion in his eyes. "Abigail, you are amazing. You're...practically perfect! I can't give you anything."
"Shawn..." Abigail sniffled. "You can..."
Shawn interrupted. "No. I can't. I can't give you anything, Abigail, and you deserve the world. You deserve someone who can take you places, and show you the world..."
"I've seen the world, Shawn. I've been places, done things a lot of people will never do. I don't want to go places. I hated Spain, and Japan scared the shit outta me." Abigail explained. "I just want someone who can sympathize with me, and who'll love me for who I am, no matter how stupid I act. I don't want anything fancy. If I want that, I can ask my dad. All I need is someone to talk to!"
"And I'm not being that right now. I'm being callous and uncaring. Maybe you should just give it up." Shawn scowled, walking toward the door to go back in. "You'd be a lot better off."
"There's something I don't understand here..." Abigail looked confused. "You're not willing to pursue a relationship with me, but with Angela...you are? If you think you can't give me anything, you can give the same amount to her..."
"That should tell you something about my feelings for you, Abigail..." Shawn went inside.
It was a bittersweet moment for Abigail. Shawn had just told her that he loved her more than he loved Angela, in fewer words, but at the same time, he was leaving her. She had no idea what to do. For the first time in her life, she felt completely powerless. She always thought she had a pretty good handle on things, but everything Shawn did made her weak. "Shawn, please don't go..." she followed him inside.
"I'm not," he sat on the couch, and started writing again. "I just can't stand out there much longer..." he spoke in monotone. "Needed to write a couple things down."
"Oh..." she sat on the bed. She felt like crying again. She'd just screwed things up with Shawn, without even knowing it. Slowly and drearily, she walked back out onto the balcony, and just stared out at the ocean. 'What am I doing?' she felt like screaming. 'I can't believe this...' she sat there for twenty more seconds, with nothing on her mind, and then, screamed, and started to cry again. She was wondering if Shawn was even worried. She sat against the outside wall of the house, staring at the stars.
Shawn was worried, but he had to keep up his callous façade, just until Abigail lost interest. No matter how long it took. He couldn't let her settle for someone who didn't deserve her, no matter how much it hurt him. She deserved the world, and if he had it his way, she'd get it.
Abigail had changed into a long, blue patchwork skirt, a white, tie- shoulder, tank top, with 'dream-girl' written on it in diamond-studs, and black, platform, slip on boots.
"I'm never gonna look at whipped cream the same way again..." she laughed.
"Me either..." Shawn smiled, unlocking his door. "That was fun, though."
"Yeah it was..." Abigail smiled, wondering if Shawn was thinking about Angela.
For once, he wasn't. His mind was totally on Abigail. She looked beautiful, and he'd had more fun with her than he'd ever had with anyone. He smiled at her. "I'll be right back, make yourself comfortable..." he squished into his bedroom, in his wet work boots.
Abigail looked at a picture on his table. "This must be Angela..." she flipped it over. 'To my Shawnie baby, Yours always, Angela,' she read. "Lucky you..." she sighed, and set the picture back on the table.
Shawn walked out of his bedroom in a pale blue, short sleeved, button up shirt, with a wife beater underneath, baggy blue jeans, and black combat boots. He stopped in his tracks when he saw his poetry notebook, sitting on the table in front of Abigail. "You...didn't read that...did you?" he asked, nervously.
"Of course not." She reassured him. "I wouldn't do that without asking you."
"Thanks," he sat beside her, and continued wrapping the fresh bandage he was putting on. "Those are pretty private..."
"It's ok," Abigail smiled. "I write a lot too..." she nodded. "And, I don't show anyone either..."
"I might just bring this with me..." Shawn grabbed the book, and set it on top of his sweatpants and t-shirt that he always wore to bed, and the outfit he'd chosen for the next day. "Never know when I'll get inspired..."
"Yeah..." Abigail sighed. She'd never written a poem until she met Shawn. He'd made her reach deeper into herself, and find emotions no one could find before.
"Shall we go?" he stood up.
"Sure..." she stood up.
***
It was a very silent car ride. It was almost as if someone had emptied Abigail's brain, and taken all the sweet things she wanted to say to Shawn away from her. She wanted to tell Shawn that she couldn't live without him. She wanted to tell him that her heart was breaking, and she couldn't stand knowing that he didn't want her the way she wanted him. She ran her hand through her hair, and watched the cars go by.
"Abigail, are you ok?" Shawn asked. "You seem, kind of...distracted..."
"Huh?" Abigail looked at Shawn. "Oh, I'm just thinking. You know how hard that is for people like me..." she winked. "It is too quiet in here, though. What do you say to a little music?"
"Sure..." Shawn smiled at her. "You like Incubus?"
"Yeah, they're my favorite band." she nodded.
"Mine too," Shawn pushed the Incubus CD into his CD player.
Abigail tuned out the music, and kept thinking. What if she'd never have Shawn? What if Shawn and Angela were really meant to be?
"Do you want me to go in and get the pizza?" Shawn asked.
"I'll go, if you wanna stay here..." Abigail shrugged. "I don't care."
"I'll go in..." Shawn stood up. "I'll pay for it too..." he took his last bit of cash out of his pocket.
"I can pay for it..." Abigail told him.
"I know, I just want to..." Shawn smiled at her.
"Ok..." Abigail closed her eyes, and went into deep thought again.
***
Abigail sighed. Shawn was sitting on the love seat in her room, writing in his poetry book, with a piece of pizza in front of him. It was as though he was in his own world, not even noticing she was there. She stood up, and walked out onto her balcony.
Shawn looked up, just to look at Abigail for inspiration, and saw her out the window on the balcony. 'What's she doing out there?' he asked himself. He walked to the door, and listened. His heart practically broke in two when he heard her crying. "Abigail..." he walked up to her. "Abigail, are you ok?" he hugged her to him. "What's the matter?"
"You wouldn't understand..." she cried. "Or, you would, but you'll be mad at me..."
"I could never be mad at you, Abigail..." Shawn touched her cheek. "Please tell me?"
"Promise you're not gonna get mad at me?" Abigail asked.
"Have I done something wrong?" he asked.
"No..." she sighed. "Well...kinda, yeah. But, just promise you won't get mad at me...?"
"I won't, I promise," Shawn looked concerned. "What's wrong?"
"I...I kinda feel like you're playing with my heart..." she looked into his eyes. "I mean, I know you care about me. But then, you love Angela, and you're waiting for her. I'm not saying that's wrong. Because it's not, I mean, I think it's really sweet. But I just wish you would choose. I don't want to make you choose me, because I want you to be happy. But, I just wish there was something I could do to sway your choice." She paused. "I love you, Shawn. And losing you, I feel, would be like losing part of me."
Shawn was overwhelmed. Not even Angela had said anything like that to him. He pushed a stray strand of Abigail's hair behind her ear, and said, "Abigail, it's not that I don't love you. You are amazing, and I do love you. But, yes, I'm waiting for Angela. I don't want to choose, because you and Angela are both the most amazing women I've ever met. I've been so scared that Angela would find someone new. I think that's the reason I'm not acting on my feelings for you. Because I'm afraid that as soon as I do, Angela will come back, and then I'll choose her, and hurt you even more. I never want to do that, Abigail."
She started tearing up again. "I know, and that's so sweet. For that whole reason, and don't take this the wrong way, but, for that reason I wish I'd never met you."
"I'm glad we met," Shawn smiled. "I know that if Angela doesn't come back, I never have to worry about being alone."
Abigail looked a little upset. "Is that all I am?" she asked. "A way not to be alone, if Angela doesn't come back?"
"No, Abigail. I didn't mean it like that at all..." Shawn ran his fingers through her hair. "You are the most amazing person I've ever met."
"Except Angela..." she sighed.
Shawn sighed. "Abigail," he wrapped his arms around her. "You have to understand..." he touched her hair. "I mean, you don't know this, but Angela and I broke up about a year before she left, because she was afraid she'd leave me, or I'd leave her. The only one able to get us back together was her father. I don't want her to be right. I don't want to leave her. But, I don't want to hurt you either. You deserve to be happy, too. I don't think both of us can be pleased, this time..." he sighed.
"So, should it be over before it starts?" Abigail asked.
"Well, no..." Shawn pulled her close. "What if Angela doesn't come back?"
"I feel like you're using me, Shawn..." she looked at him, hurt.
"I'm not, Abbi..." he shook his head. "I couldn't do that to you..."
"Can you, like, clarify how you feel? 'Cause I'm getting mixed signals..." Abigail half-smiled.
"What do you mean, how I feel?" Shawn asked.
"Like, do you feel the same as I do, or not?" she asked.
"Yeah, I do..." he shrugged. "But..."
"I know, please don't say it..." Abigail looked away from him.
"I still wanna spend as much time together as we can, though. This feeling is so strong..." Shawn kissed her forehead.
"It'll hurt so much more, Shawn..." Tears streaked Abigail's cheeks. "I mean, I do love you, so much. But I really hate this feeling I have in the pit of my stomach that something is going to go wrong..."
"Abbi," Shawn pulled her to him. "Look at me..."
Abigail turned her head toward Shawn, but wouldn't look into his eyes. She faced her eyes right above his, so it looked as though she was looking into them. "What?" she sounded angry. "What is it?"
Shawn was a little surprised at her tone. "Abbi, what's wrong?" he asked. "Did I do something?"
"Figure it out, genius!" she pushed away from him. "I just poured my HEART out, and you don't even GET it!" she screamed, still crying. "Damn it, Shawn..." she fell to the ground in tears. "Why can't I have what Angela has over you?" she asked. "That's all I want..."
Shawn stood Abigail up. "Abigail, look at me..." he held her forearms. "You wanna know the real reason I'm not going further with this?" he asked, getting frustrated.
Abigail looked at him. "Yes..." she scowled.
"Because you deserve better than I can give!" he had an angry look on his face, but compassion in his eyes. "Abigail, you are amazing. You're...practically perfect! I can't give you anything."
"Shawn..." Abigail sniffled. "You can..."
Shawn interrupted. "No. I can't. I can't give you anything, Abigail, and you deserve the world. You deserve someone who can take you places, and show you the world..."
"I've seen the world, Shawn. I've been places, done things a lot of people will never do. I don't want to go places. I hated Spain, and Japan scared the shit outta me." Abigail explained. "I just want someone who can sympathize with me, and who'll love me for who I am, no matter how stupid I act. I don't want anything fancy. If I want that, I can ask my dad. All I need is someone to talk to!"
"And I'm not being that right now. I'm being callous and uncaring. Maybe you should just give it up." Shawn scowled, walking toward the door to go back in. "You'd be a lot better off."
"There's something I don't understand here..." Abigail looked confused. "You're not willing to pursue a relationship with me, but with Angela...you are? If you think you can't give me anything, you can give the same amount to her..."
"That should tell you something about my feelings for you, Abigail..." Shawn went inside.
It was a bittersweet moment for Abigail. Shawn had just told her that he loved her more than he loved Angela, in fewer words, but at the same time, he was leaving her. She had no idea what to do. For the first time in her life, she felt completely powerless. She always thought she had a pretty good handle on things, but everything Shawn did made her weak. "Shawn, please don't go..." she followed him inside.
"I'm not," he sat on the couch, and started writing again. "I just can't stand out there much longer..." he spoke in monotone. "Needed to write a couple things down."
"Oh..." she sat on the bed. She felt like crying again. She'd just screwed things up with Shawn, without even knowing it. Slowly and drearily, she walked back out onto the balcony, and just stared out at the ocean. 'What am I doing?' she felt like screaming. 'I can't believe this...' she sat there for twenty more seconds, with nothing on her mind, and then, screamed, and started to cry again. She was wondering if Shawn was even worried. She sat against the outside wall of the house, staring at the stars.
Shawn was worried, but he had to keep up his callous façade, just until Abigail lost interest. No matter how long it took. He couldn't let her settle for someone who didn't deserve her, no matter how much it hurt him. She deserved the world, and if he had it his way, she'd get it.